Limited Love
You charted me like a new world - an invariable mix of concentric circles and smooth planes so tantalizingly tangential; I couldn’t bear to not be next to you all the time.
But looking back, I think that was part of the problem.
I thought we matched each other perfectly: soft tilted fingers resulting in rising ellipses - we had perfect symmetry.
There was a word you always used that I was too stupid to understand.
“They’re isomorphic, unnie” you’d always say when I asked why you were drawing those two cardioids next to one another that one evening (were those our hearts?).
“Equal form and equal shape.”
And I know what you meant when you said it but it didn’t stop a smile from creeping up onto my skin - contoured lines mapping the surface of what you’d call my most charming feature.
“I don’t understand why people think you’re so icy.”
---
You told me you felt blessed the morning after your body was first mapped to mine.
“Well I am a goddess, Juhyun. Or have you forgotten?”
You laughed that melodious laugh and I could almost see the harmonic vibrations flitter from your mouth and into the morn-strewn sunlight. Your hair was a mess and your collarbone was littered with swollen circles colored in various shades of red - it was the best I could do; I’m not the mathematician. You propped yourself up on one elbow and draped a fragile arm over my waist,
“Love is the summation of all that I manage to feel towards you. I consider that to be the greatest of all blessings.”
My eyes weld up with tears but in the back of my mind I knew the problem was becoming more and more complex (I should have studied more).
One time, I shouted at you so loud that the neighbors kicked in our door and broke through our windows in concern.
“You can’t just plug people into a formula, Juhyun! We’re not that that simple!”
And you told me I was right.
You told me we can’t have a healthy balanced relationship when one variable is dependent on the other - it works for some things, but not for others. And as the tears kept falling I kept shaking my head (I feared the solution).
“I need a break, Jessica.”
---
It’s been a few months since then and I feel like I’m at the same point I was stuck at when you left - no change at all - but I’m still holding on to what I remember (that answer can’t be right).
Sometimes I get angry because I think you imposed limits on what you allowed yourself to feel. And when the right and left didn’t match up, you called it quits.
But I’m still holding on and hoping that you realize it too (someday) -
That those limits don’t really exist.
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A/N: I meant to write a few drabbles, but this turned out a bit longer than I expected and I thought it deserved its own post. Not trying to romanticize codependency, but as someone who felt that way for quite some time, it's definitely a rationalization that happens and it's important to note that those feelings - as unhealthy and warped as they are - are very much valid. Ok, i'll get off my soapbox now =P hope everyone's week is going well!