Mad Men, 2/2
Title: Mad Men
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Nakamaru Yuichi; Taguchi Junnosuke; Sakurai Sho; Nakai Masahiro; Kokubun Taichi and several other assorted cameos from various JE people
Summary: Nakamaru and Junno work under Nakai and Taichi at an advertising agency. What will happen when they have to pitch a new commercial with the help of upstart Sakurai Sho from Storm Advertising?
Notes/Warnings: Written for the jerainbowbridge exchange.
Nakai was all smiles as he escorted Sakamoto and Okada to the elevator. Taichi was at his heels holding the portfolio full of storyboards. Ohno’s artwork was really quite impressive - too bad it wasn’t that compelling an idea.
Sakurai had his laptop with him. There was no point being secretive if Nakai and Taichi were already on to him. “We made sure everyone in the agency here got a free bottle of F+,” Sakamoto was bragging. He’d even worn a tie as hideously pink as the energy drink bottles in his excitement for the commercial pitch.
“And they were appreciated,” Nakai said, faker than an AV actress’s breasts. “Happy House’s generosity makes you a pleasure to work for.”
Okada looked away, probably to keep from laughing. Nakamaru hit the button for 25, and off they went. He, Junno and Sho stayed at one end of the conference table while Nakai set up the storyboards, and Taichi got ready to make up some b.s. speech off the top of his head to try and wow Sakamoto.
All the research, all the actual work - he really wasn’t sure Nakai or Taichi would even acknowledge them. And it didn’t matter. He saw Nakai spot the green light on the projector as he was setting up, and he couldn’t say anything. Sakurai just tapped his laptop cover with an appreciative little bump.
Taichi got going, explaining how the family would be seated around their dining room table eating ramen. Naturally the camera would zoom out from the Happy House pink and white kamaboko swirl in their bowls to show the mother, father and children. The next bit of Ohno’s artwork showed the bright pink bottle. The family then got energy, and Nakai played the CD with Tsuyoshi’s jingle.
“Happy House,” came Tsuyoshi’s voice. “A pow-pow-powerful boost for your family! All-natural, all-nutritious, all-energy!”
The storyboards flipped as Taichi explained how the family would start a cleaning frenzy.
The last storyboard was the bottle alone on top of a mountain. “Happy House F+ Energy Pow,” Taichi said, “Rising above all other energy drinks.”
Junno blushed a little bit. It was the only bit of copy he’d written that had actually made it into the pitch.
But then there was silence. Okada was scribbling notes wildly, but Sakamoto was leaning back in his chair stroking his chin. Nakamaru knew they’d lost him, and Sakurai was already sitting up more in his chair, waiting for his window of opportunity.
“So Energy Pow gets the family to...clean the house?” Sakamoto said first.
Taichi smiled. “Yes. Everyone’s participating, see?” He had Nakai flip back through the storyboards. “Here’s Mom, and then Dad. Look, even Grandpa’s getting involved.”
“Your storyboards are nice,” Sakamoto said, “but there’s no soul. I don’t believe those drawings are people.”
“Um, well, they are. They will be,” Nakai reminded him. “We haven’t filmed it yet obviously so...”
“Can you act it out? I mean, the family? Can you do that bit?” Sakamoto wondered. And that’s when Nakamaru felt Nakai’s eyes on him like a well-trained laser.
“Of course, Taguchi, Nukamara, go.”
He and Junno exchanged panicked glances before hurrying out of their chairs to stand at the front of the room. Sakamoto looked like he was going to rip the storyboards apart, so this didn’t bode well in case he and Taguchi royally screwed this up.
“Should I be the father?” Nakamaru asked. “He gets up first.”
“But you look more like grandpa.”
He wanted to kick Junno, but that wouldn’t do them any favors. Since all eyes were off him for the time being, Sakurai opened up his laptop slowly, fingers inching across the conference table to grab the remote for the projector.
“Hey everyone!” Junno cried out noisily, sounding more like some drunk guy at karaoke than the commanding father. “This Energy Pow sure has me going! Let’s clean the house!”
Nakamaru cleared his throat. “Energy Pow has all the ingredients I need to feel young again.”
Sakamoto thumped his fist on the table. “Not Grandpa enough!”
Nakamaru slowed down his delivery. “Energy Pow has all the ingredients I need to feel young again.”
“You’re 85 and my drink’s got you going nuts!” Sakamoto screamed.
He bent over, holding his hip. “Energy Pow has all the ingredients I need...” He stood back up and smiled like he was in a school play. “To feel young again!”
Taguchi then dropped to his knees to play the little girl. “I just love Energy Pow!”
Sakamoto had had it, kicking back the leather seat until it toppled. Okada was still taking notes on whatever it was he was taking notes about. “What the hell is this? Is this really how you’re going to promote my nutraceutical beverage?”
“Well, sir, to be fair, there will be real actors in the commercial...” Taichi interrupted.
“A family cleaning their house? That’s the extent of their energy?” Sakamoto shouted.
“Well...” Nakai stuttered, “I mean, they could clean the car together? Taguchi, pretend you’re using a squeegee on the windshield...”
But before Junno could get into character, Sakamoto got to his feet. “Enough! I don’t need Grandpa busting a move or Junior squeegeeing the car! What does that have to do with what I asked? I want everyone in Japan to buy my drink! Can you tell me honestly, Nakai-san, that a commercial like this would send you running to the store? Kokubun-san?”
Taichi was turning purple, loosening his tie. “Well, we’re in advertising, so there’s not much that sends us running...”
“Sakamoto-san,” Sakurai interrupted.
“You wouldn’t buy this drink!” Sakamoto screeched. “So why would anyone else?!”
“Sakamoto-san,” Sakurai tried again, standing his ground even as the Happy House CEO turned to him with the masculine equivalent of a Medusa stare. Nakamaru was pretty sure he’d have wet himself if he’d gotten that look. Then again, if Sakurai was wetting himself, it wasn’t showing up on his pants yet.
“You. Storm boy. You tried the drink last time.”
“I did, sir,” Sakurai said, holding up the remote to turn the projector screen on. “And if I may, there was an alternate idea for your commercial.”
“I knew it,” Nakai grumbled, taking the storyboards down.
“An alternate idea,” Sakurai continued, “that attempts to ah, well, if I could, sir?”
Sakamoto sat down slowly, and Okada slid a bottle of some over-the-counter heart medication as discreetly as he could to his boss’ hand. “Okay kid, nobody better be cleaning the house in this one.”
“No, sir,” Sakurai said, moving to the front of the room. Taichi was shaking, and Taguchi had to pull him aside so that Sho could present. Nakamaru held his breath, hoping that this was going to be extraordinary enough to both please Sakamoto and keep Nakai and Taichi from pushing Sho out the window.
Sakurai continued, looking far more relaxed when he was speaking directly to Sakamoto. “Happy House F+ Energy Pow. The Japanese people respect the sea. If I may, the prototype for Sea Energy, See Energy.”
The next slide had a movie file embedded, and Sho nodded for Nakamaru to go ahead and click play on his laptop. Nakai watched him bitterly as he did so, but Nakamaru was just as excited to see it as Sakamoto. The production quality was amazing, especially for a simple pitch.
The camera view plunged down into the ocean, past various types of fish before locating a shark. The shark then dove to discover bottles of F+ Energy Pow resting at the bottom of the sea. The CGI shark then whipped his tail fin, dislodging one of the Energy Pows and sending it rocketing up and out of the water, and Sakamoto let out a gasp of awe.
The bottle came flying across Japan to the sound of the little jingle Tsuyoshi had written before bursting through the roof of a CGI Tokyo Dome and into an outstretched hand. The camera pulled back to reveal a player for the Giants who took a big sip of Energy Pow. There was a cut and the baseball player swung a bat, hitting a home run.
“Happy House F+ Energy Pow,” came Sakurai’s voice through the laptop speakers. “Sea Energy, See Energy.”
It was elaborate. It would be ridiculously expensive. And already Nakai and Taichi looked close to giggles. But Sakurai just bowed, waiting for Sakamoto to pass judgment. Nakamaru looked up from the laptop to see the CEO sitting there, quietly pondering. Okada was still scribbling notes.
Nakai walked up, knocking into Sakurai hard. “Sakamoto-san, I cannot begin to apologize for Sakurai-san’s rudeness today and...”
“I’m sorry, was that Kamenashi Kazuya?” Sakamoto asked. Definitely not the first question Nakamaru expected.
Sakurai looked up, confusion riddling his features. “I...well, I think so? My CGI guy just picked a player from the Giants that he liked for the model so it could be any...”
“He’s so versatile,” Sakamoto said. “Pitching, batting, he can do it all.”
“Thank you?” Sakurai answered hesitantly.
“Wait, wait, Sakamoto-san,” Taichi interrupted. “You aren’t seriously considering this...amateurish production?” Amateurish was the storyboards, and him and Junno reenacting a commercial. Sakurai’s pitch was professional and impressive. Nakamaru had never seen anything so exciting this early on in the planning stages.
“There’s a shark,” Sakamoto reminded them. “And while I have a crippling fear of them, I can’t think of a better way to appeal a fish-derived energy drink. And look! Kamenashi hit a home run because of my drink!”
Taichi continued, panicking as the mood in the room shifted from what he and Nakai had done to Sho’s offering. “But...but, you wanted to reach everyone with this commercial. I don’t see how some baseball player could...”
“Everybody loves baseball,” Sakamoto said. “And everyone respects sharks as the dangerous predators they are. If a shark chose this drink of all the others at the bottom of the ocean, then wouldn’t they make that same decision?”
“Are there a lot of drinks at the bottom of the ocean?” Okada asked.
“It’s settled!” Sakamoto said, getting up to vigorously shake Sho’s hand. “This is exactly what I was looking for. Suspense! Excitement! Kamenashi Kazuya drinking my F+ Energy Pow!”
It was probably as different from what he’d actually asked for as you could get, Nakamaru thought, but maybe Sakurai understood Sakamoto better than the man understood himself. No wonder Storm was winning so many accounts and awards in so short a time.
Nakai looked a bit shell-shocked himself, shaking Sakamoto’s hand next. “Of course, we’ll...we’ll do everything we can to see this make it to air. But as for the baseball player, it might be cheaper to get someone from another team...”
“Cost isn’t an issue,” Sakamoto said. “I want that wiry little firecracker smiling for the camera, smiling for Japan. I want everyone running to the convenience store and buying them all up. Thank you so much. You scared me with that first ad, what a joke that was, huh?”
“Uh...right,” Nakai said. “If you’ll let us escort you out, we’ll get started right away...”
Okada and Sakamoto were led out by Nakai and Taichi, and as soon as they were gone, Sakurai let out a whoop of joy. “I did it! I did it, I did it!”
Taguchi came running over to the laptop, shoving Nakamaru aside. “Let’s watch it again! The ball smashed through the Tokyo Dome!”
He stumbled back a little. “You...this was really good, Sho-kun, really...”
“Thanks,” Sakurai said, “but it was really my friend who made it real...”
“...but I think you might want to leave,” Nakamaru said. “The building. Like, right now, because I think Taichi and Nakai are going to murder you, and have me and Junno clean it up to look like a bizarre suicide.”
“Wait, what?” Sho asked. “I mean, maybe I shouldn’t have gone behind their backs, but you said yourself that they’re out of touch, and you saw how excited Sakamoto-san was...”
Nakamaru nodded. “It’s great, really. But just...I don’t know, watch your back.”
Sakurai gently eased Junno away from his laptop where he was watching the commercial CGI for about the fifth time already. “This is a professional agency. I think as long as the client’s happy, we can all pat ourselves on the back for a good pitch. I mean, they’re the ones who are going to take the credit, right?”
Nakamaru was still unsure. Nakai and Taichi (and most upper level advertising execs he’d met) tended to behave more like elementary school students than grown adults.
“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Junno said, patting Sho’s shoulder in encouragement. “He’s only a contracted worker for this project What’s the worse they could really do to him?”
--
Nakamaru nearly dropped his cup of coffee when he was walking back to his cubicle that afternoon, hearing Sakurai’s horrified scream.
“What happened? What’s wrong?” he asked, hurrying over and seeing Junno’s face contort into a look of half-horror, half-amusement.
Sakurai turned his monitor to show Nakamaru that Nakai and Taichi’s counterattack had already started.
Nakamaru squinted at the blinking text of the email.
“LOVE CONQUERS SCIENTIFIC IMPOSSIBILITY! MAN MATES WITH SHARK!!! ALL NEW EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE IN YOUR INBOX EVERY DAY!”
“What...the hell?” Nakamaru asked, and Sakurai couldn’t even speak.
Junno wrapped a comforting arm around Sho. “It’s just shark porn. Aww, Sho-kun, there, there.”
--
And they were just getting started. Even though Nakai and Taichi stayed in their offices, most likely negotiating with Kamenashi’s agent to get him to endorse the product and appear in the commercial, Sho was definitely under attack for his betrayal.
Yamashita from IT had gone from incredibly amused to annoyed in his now daily attempts to block all the human/shark porn that was appearing in Sakurai’s Eastern Mountain inbox. And then there were the printed pictures - the obvious abuse of company resources.
On the second day, they’d somehow found a picture from Sho’s university yearbook, photocopying his head and lodging it between a shark’s jaws. The spurting blood had been scribbled with children’s markers. Nothing but pure class where Nakamaru’s bosses were concerned.
Then a shark was holding a gun in its fin somehow, complete with little “Pow! Pow!” captions in thinly-disguised Nakai handwriting as it shot the university photo full of holes.
And then there was a picture of a shark pooping on the same university picture of Sho. Taichi’s artistic talent was in a world all its own.
“They really have a thing for sharks,” Junno pointed out in a not at all helpful way.
Sho had kept each one of them. “Shouldn’t I tell Kimura-san? Or Higashiyama-san? This is bullying.”
“And risk having Nakai-san tell them that you’re a known pedophile? Or that you rape old ladies and steal their pensions? Because they will Photoshop a fake police report,” Nakamaru said.
Sho gulped. “They know Photoshop?”
“No,” Taguchi said. “But Nishikido in the art department’s got a mean streak.”
Sakurai stared at the shark defecating on his face one last time before shoving the stack of pictures into his recycle bin.
--
Nakamaru and Junno were worried when they were called to a closed-door meeting in Nakai’s office the following week. Sakurai was nowhere to be seen.
“Before you ask, Sakurai-san’s not here today,” Taichi said, “there was a problem at his apartment building. A fire.”
“My god!” Junno cried. “You set his house on fire?!”
“No, idiot,” Nakai said. “There really was a fire in the building. Someone’s rice cooker exploded on another floor. I guess the sprinklers went off and ruined some stuff.”
“Besides, we don’t mess with fire anymore,” Taichi said calmly, sending a shiver down Nakamaru’s spine.
He cleared his throat. “So the meeting today?” he asked, trying not to imagine Nakai and Taichi going as far as attempted murder.
Nakai sighed. “As you may or may not know, Kamenashi Kazuya is high in demand. He’s actually on his way back to Japan after filming a commercial in Australia. Sakurai’s picking him up at Narita tomorrow afternoon and bringing him to the studio.”
Well, it was good to know that Nakai and Taichi weren’t altering the commercial. At least they seemed to know which way the wind was blowing as far as pleasing Sakamoto went.
Taguchi smiled. “Cool! Will we be able to get his autograph?”
“One better,” Taichi said, picking up a cardboard box from Nakai’s thinking couch and shoving it into Junno’s arms. “You’ll get to be up close and personal with him.”
Junno pulled a black ski mask out of the box. “What?”
Nakai grinned. “You’re kidnapping him.”
--
“I don’t like this,” Junno was complaining, pulling the leather gloves on as Nakamaru signaled his lane change. His ancient, tiny Toyota sputtered its way down the highway.
“And you think I do?” he asked.
This was dangerous. Just so Sakurai would look like a fool, they were supposed to kidnap a famous baseball player? Nakamaru had grown fond of Sho since they’d been working together. He’d been nice, had asked for Nakamaru’s input on things, and had even remembered his name!
But it was either abduct Kamenashi and let Sho take the fall, or he and Taguchi would both lose their jobs. And that wasn’t the end of the blackmailing.Taichi had had Nishikido whip up a prototype marriage certificate and a creepy photo album full of kissy faces and rainbow-frosted wedding cake to prove that Nakamaru and Taguchi had run off to Tahiti and gotten married to celebrate their quote unquote “undying, beautiful homosexual life partnership.”
Not that Nakamaru thought there was anything wrong with being gay, but Nakai had at least 20 publishers on speed dial, and he really didn’t need a fake “marriage” announcement with Junno to appear in newspapers across the country. That would be hard to explain to his Grandma come Christmas.
“I’ve never committed a crime before,” Taguchi was whining. “I mean, okay, I’ve jaywalked. And this one time, I cut the tag off a mattress...”
“Taguchi...”
“I mean, it says you can cut it if you’re the owner, but I was sleeping at my aunt’s house and it was her mattress, so I tried to tape it back together because I was paranoid that she’d tell the police it was me...”
“TAGUCHI!” Nakamaru shouted, getting off the exit ramp for Narita. “Seriously! Shut your mouth! Can we focus on this so I don’t have to be fake married to you?”
Junno sulked, pulling at a string on the ski mask in his lap. “I’m not chloroforming Sho-kun. He’s our friend.”
“Well, how else do you plan to get Kamenashi away from him?”
“Can’t we just take them both? And let them off somewhere else? I don’t like this yakuza-looking warehouse idea.”
Nakamaru gritted his teeth. “You want to lose your job and let those manipulated photos of you licking my face get out there? Really? You’re that unconcerned about being taken seriously again...ever?”
Junno rolled his eyes. “Please, the Photoshopping on that one wasn’t that good. It doesn’t even look like my tongue.” He pulled down the sun visor, flipped open the little mirror, and opened his mouth. “Thee? Thith ith what mah tongue look lahke.”
He pushed the accelerator down, begging the Toyota to put in more effort than Taguchi was. They found Sho’s car in the visitor lot (Nakai and Taichi had provided photographs of the man’s car - Nakamaru didn’t want to know) and waited. He wasn’t fond of the chloroform thing either. Too many variables that could go wrong. So instead, he and Junno hid on the side of the car, waiting to pop out and scare them.
Taguchi was responsible for getting Kamenashi in the trunk. Sure, he was a baseball player and probably worked out and munched on steroids with his breakfast, but they had surprise on their side. Then Nakamaru just had to make sure that Sho didn’t call for help or something.
The minutes passed, and they waited. And waited. And waited some more. He pulled up his ski mask and glanced at his watch. “Flight should have landed an hour ago.”
“Well, he was coming back from Australia,” Junno reminded him, voice a little muffled by his mask. “Probably had to get his luggage and go through customs.”
“Hmmph.”
Some more time passed, and then they heard footsteps coming. He pulled his mask down and patted Junno’s arm, telling him to get up in five seconds. Five. Four. Three. Two...
“Raaaaa!” he screamed, getting to his feet and pointing a water pistol at Sho. “This is a hold-up! Get in the...”
Sho cried out like a woman, dropping his “KAMENASHI KAZUYA-SAN” sign on the pavement and holding out his keys in front of him in his defense. Too bad there was no Kamenashi Kazuya-san with him.
Junno stood up and scratched his head. “Where’s Kame?”
Sho leaned against the car, hand shaking with the keys jingling. “...Taguchi?”
Nakamaru pulled up his own mask and sighed. “What gives? Where’s Kamenashi?”
Junno ripped off his mask and threw it down. “This was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.”
Well, Nakamaru would argue that the day Taguchi had tried to ferment his own alcohol in the employee lounge was considerably dumber, but now wasn’t really the best time to point that out.
“Why are you dressed like ninjas?” Sho asked, still hyperventilating slightly. “Kamenashi got in on an earlier flight and left in a limo.”
“A limo?” Junno moaned. “We did all this for nothing!”
Sho looked justifiably hurt. “What are you two doing here? What’s with the gun?”
“It’s just a water gun.” Nakamaru pointed it at Junno and squirted him in the face.
“Hey!” Junno exclaimed.
“We were supposed to kidnap Kamenashi and bring him to a warehouse, splash him with cold water and then convince him we were yakuza sent by Sakurai Sho to murder him,” Nakamaru said. It sounded even dumber now.
“We were going to let him go, though,” Junno said. “After telling him you banged his girlfriend. And probably his mom.”
Sho narrowed his eyes. “I thought you guys were my friends,” he said quietly, picking up his carefully-made sign from the ground.
“Nakai said we would lose our jobs if we didn’t,” Nakamaru explained. “And they were going to make it look like me and Junno were gay lovers. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But really, if I was gay, I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole, no offense.”
“None taken. Sho-kun, we’re sorry,” Junno said, bowing his head. “I didn’t want to, but I need this job. They let me wear jeans every day.”
Sho nodded wearily. “Fine, fine, I get it. But think about it - you were about to commit a serious crime. That’s more than bullying. That’s breaking the law. And you still want to work for people who threaten you like that?”
Nakamaru and Junno exchanged a look. Then glanced down at the ridiculous clothes they were wearing. Then looked at the nice guy in front of them who worked his ass off to please their client rather than win more awards to dust.
“When this job is over,” Sho continued, “Maybe you can come over to Storm. We’re still new, but we’re forward thinking. And I can guarantee that my boss won’t make you commit felonies. Jun can be grouchy, but he’s not insane.”
“Fair enough,” Nakamaru said, holding out his hand. “We’re sorry, really.”
“Truce?” Junno asked.
Sho nodded. “Truce.”
--
When they got to the set for the CM the next day, everything was in an uproar. Sure, they’d been able to get Kamenashi and a green screen to stand in for the Tokyo Dome, but Sakamoto’s “unlimited” budget was more like a budget for a local cable channel’s commercial.
There would be no CGI shark whacking a bottle of F+ Energy Pow out of the CGI ocean. Instead, they’d managed to rent an animatronic shark and a tank on the cheap from a bankrupt movie studio. Even now, Sho had rolled up his pant legs and discarded his jacket, leaning over the side of the tank trying to figure out how the fake shark would be able to smack the bright pink bottle.
Nakamaru and Junno were responsible for “handling” the commercial’s star, who despite getting paid for his time, was being very disagreeable.
“That shark’s not going to splash me, is it?” Kamenashi was complaining. “Because I can’t get my hair wet. I don’t know where that water came from.”
“Um, well, the tank was filled with a hose,” Junno explained. “So I think they just got it from a truck or something? I mean, you’re not going to be anywhere near the shark so...”
“Well, I can’t get my hair wet,” Kamenashi reiterated.
“Yeah, we got that,” Nakamaru said, losing his patience. “Don’t worry, Kamenashi-san.” He didn’t see why it was so exciting to have the guy in the commercial. Kamenashi was banking ten million yen a year, and he still had a 5.49 ERA. He wasn’t THAT great.
Junno held up two bats. “So we just need you to swing these. Whichever one works for you.”
Kamenashi turned up his nose. “Where’d you get those, some local junior high school gym? I’m not using those.”
And that was when Nakai approached, all smiles. “Ah, Kamenashi-san, we’re ready to start whenever you are. Was there a problem here?”
“He hates the bats,” Nakamaru explained.
“I see,” Nakai said. “Well, we want our star to be happy, right?”
“I can’t get my hair wet. I have a commercial to film for hair gel this afternoon,” Kamenashi reminded Nakai.
“Of course. Taguchi, Namakaru. Go to the sports store, find Kamenashi-san a new bat.”
“What?” Junno exclaimed.
And then Taichi was right at Nakamaru’s elbow. Downright creepy. “What’s that, hmm, you’re leaving? Well, take Sakurai with you.”
“Why do we need three people to go buy a bat?” Nakamaru asked, getting fed up with everything. He didn’t know why he didn’t just quit and follow Sakurai to Storm Advertising then and there.
Kamenashi jotted down a list of “acceptable” bats, and Nakamaru was sure that they’d all be expensive. Of course, neither of his bosses offered any money or the corporate card, so it looked like he was going to have to foot the bill. Why couldn’t Mr. 5.49 ERA bring his own damn bat?
They went to fetch Sho from the tank and headed back to Nakamaru’s Toyota, hearing Kamenashi gripe about wanting a body double as they departed.
--
“You just watch,” Nakamaru said as they were practically parked in traffic on the way back to the set. “They’ll have the whole commercial shoot done when we get back, and we’ll have to go return the stupid bat.”
Junno was in the back seat, bat laying across his lap. “Did you see the look on Taichi’s face? He was so happy to send Sho-kun with us.”
“Well, what are they going to do to me?” Sho wondered, frowning as he looked out the window. “Have Kamenashi practice hitting the home run by hitting me? The job’s almost over. I’ll be gone soon enough.”
“It’s suspicious though,” Junno mused. “They sure were happy to get us off set. They’re planning something.”
“Let’s just get back and worry then,” Nakamaru scolded. He had his resignation letter in his back pocket. All Taichi or Nakai had to do was get him to his breaking point. He was getting closer and closer every minute.
When they arrived, Kamenashi took the bat they offered him, complaining about the weight of it even though it had been on his stupid list. But he went ahead with the filming, and Nakamaru exhaled. All they had left to film was the shark bit, and Kamenashi would be long gone and shilling hair gel for some other commercial.
“Is the shark looking funny to you?” Sho asked, peering across the set to the tank. “It’s not moving.”
“Maybe it’s sleeping,” Junno said.
“It’s a robot,” Nakamaru reminded him.
Junno scowled. “Maybe it’s in robot sleep then.” He headed over to the tank. “I’ll go fix it.”
Nakai and Taichi came hurrying over. “Taguchi, wait. Let Sakurai do it...he’s the shark idea man,” Nakai cried.
“Nah, I got it,” Junno said, climbing up the ladder to the tank.
“Taguchi, get down!” Taichi shouted.
“Hey! You know, I’m not an idiot. I can do stuff if you just give me a chance!” Junno complained, and that was when Nakamaru realized that there really was something wrong.
“Taguchi! Stop!” Nakamaru cried, and Sho took off running.
Junno turned and looked at the tank and there was a sudden splash. The animatronic shark went nuts, mouth opening and closing with a metallic crunching sound. Taguchi lost his balance on the ladder and went tumbling into the tank.
“Oh shit, this isn’t good,” Nakai said plainly, and Nakamaru went chasing after Sho.
“Well, this was your idea,” Taichi retorted.
Junno’s head bobbed out of the water. “Heeeeeelp! It’s got my...leg...or somethi-” and then he was back under, in the clutches of the animatronic shark. The tank was see-through, and Nakamaru could see the shark was swimming in a frenzied circle, pulling Junno along under the water and knocking his head against the side of the tank. Ouch.
There was another splash, and Sakurai was in the water. “It’s cold!” he cried. “Taguchi, hold on!”
All the staff watched, stunned by the killer animatronic shark, so it was just Junno being dragged, Sho flailing in the water trying to kick at it, and Nakamaru shouting what he hoped were helpful commands from outside the pool. “Taguchi, play dead!”
“That’s for bears!” Sakurai cried, waving his hands frantically, splashing water everywhere.
“What the hell did you do to it?!” Nakamaru cried, demanding answers from his boss.
“It had a motion sensor kill setting,” Nakai explained as though it was obvious. “It was just a prank.”
“Kill setting?!” Junno screamed before getting pulled under again.
Kamenashi walked up, seemingly unconcerned about someone getting drowned in front of him. He handed Nakamaru the bat. “Here, maybe this will help. The bat ruins my swing anyhow.”
He gave Kamenashi a glare before hefting the very expensive, brand new bat and climbing the ladder to the tank. He could see the shark still ramming Junno against the wall, and Sho splashing in a completely useless way. He held the bat up. “Oi, Taguchi! Uh, try and get it over here!”
“It’s killing me!” Junno gurgled.
“Well, have him kill you over here! I’m not getting in the water!” he complained.
Sho splashed his way over to Nakamaru, trying to draw the shark over and only succeeded in soaking Nakamaru to the bone. He spat water out of his mouth and waited for his chance. Finally, Junno came flying over and Nakamaru swung.
There was a mini explosion of sparks and a girly Sho scream and Kamenashi complaining about his hair getting wet and Nakai and Taichi looking on in solemn contemplation. The animatronic shark had gone to animatronic animal heaven.
The resignation letter fluttered out of Nakamaru’s pocket, landing in a puddle of water at the base of the tank. Taichi picked it up, but all the ink had smeared. Sho helped Junno to the ladder, and they surveyed the scene.
“Well,” Nakai said. “I think that’s a wrap for today.”
--
He and Sho gathered around Junno’s computer a week later, watching the news broadcast.
The reporter was nearly crying. “An awful tragedy here in Okinawa as eight year old Hatonaka Seiji was killed in a shark attack. All the beaches around Naha have been closed for further investigation, but a town is in tears tonight. Hatonaka was swimming on a beach with friends, though no lifeguard was present and...”
Junno closed out the video window just in time for Nakai and Taichi to approach, all smiles. “Sure is a tragedy about little Seiji-kun,” Nakai said, faker than a boy band singing on Music Station.
“Of course, our prayers go out to his family,” Taichi remarked.
Nakai patted Junno on the shoulder. “We just got back from a meeting with Sakamoto-san and Higashiyama-san, and sadly, in light of the tragedy...”
“You’re pulling the commercial,” Sakurai said glumly.
“Tough break, tough break,” Taichi said. “But we do need something to go on air during the Monday night drama block tonight. I know it’s short notice but...”
An hour later, the three of them were sitting around a dining table, and the old man beard and old man bald cap were itching him like crazy. Sho, already in his suit at the office that morning, was the perfect find to play the father while Junno looked almost too perfect in a dress, wig, and pearls. They’d pulled a kid off the street to play the child, who was digging his nose beside Sho.
Taichi gave them a thumbs up. “Go for it, Grandpa!” he said as the cameras got rolling.
Nakamaru hoped the microphone didn’t pick up his sigh of disappointment. He got to his feet and flexed his arm, feeling the old man mustache start to fall off his upper lip.
“Energy Pow has all the ingredients I need to feel young again.”
--
From: Higashiyama Noriyuki (higashiyama-n@easternmountain.co.jp)
To: Kokubun Taichi (kokubun-t@easternmountain.co.jp); Nakai Masahiro (nakai-m@easternmountain.co.jp
Subject: No Subject
See me immediately.
-H
Higashiyama Noriyuki, CEO
Eastern Mountain Advertising Services
Creativity. Integrity. Dedication. Results.
--
Nakamaru liked the chair. And the desk. And the fact that he had four walls. And a door. And a view of the Tokyo smog.
Junno was relaxing on the thinking couch while Sho sat in the chair in front of Nakamaru’s desk busily taking notes. The merger with Storm Advertising had been a complete success, and the three co-leads on the Hitachi account were a well-oiled machine. Advertising for electronics again made it worth coming to work.
Of course, Nakamaru hadn’t been the least bit sad to see Taichi and Nakai leave the company.
He would have paid good money to be a fly on the wall in the meeting they had with Higashiyama. About the four bottles of Happy House F+ Energy Pow that had been sold in total. About the shark porn. About the attempted kidnapping of a Japanese sports superstar. And of course, about the animatronic shark’s near-murder of an Eastern Mountain employee.
The two had amicably parted ways with the company to avoid being reported to the cops. Things were going pretty damn good.
Junno perked up from the thinking couch. “I’ve got it!”
Nakamaru and Sho exchanged a look. “Alright, Taguchi. What is it?” Nakamaru asked.
“The new Hitachi bread maker - rising to the occasion!”
He and Sho smiled. And then Junno smiled.
And then Nakamaru shook his head. “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”
Advertising. It really was the best job in the world.
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Nakamaru Yuichi; Taguchi Junnosuke; Sakurai Sho; Nakai Masahiro; Kokubun Taichi and several other assorted cameos from various JE people
Summary: Nakamaru and Junno work under Nakai and Taichi at an advertising agency. What will happen when they have to pitch a new commercial with the help of upstart Sakurai Sho from Storm Advertising?
Notes/Warnings: Written for the jerainbowbridge exchange.
Nakai was all smiles as he escorted Sakamoto and Okada to the elevator. Taichi was at his heels holding the portfolio full of storyboards. Ohno’s artwork was really quite impressive - too bad it wasn’t that compelling an idea.
Sakurai had his laptop with him. There was no point being secretive if Nakai and Taichi were already on to him. “We made sure everyone in the agency here got a free bottle of F+,” Sakamoto was bragging. He’d even worn a tie as hideously pink as the energy drink bottles in his excitement for the commercial pitch.
“And they were appreciated,” Nakai said, faker than an AV actress’s breasts. “Happy House’s generosity makes you a pleasure to work for.”
Okada looked away, probably to keep from laughing. Nakamaru hit the button for 25, and off they went. He, Junno and Sho stayed at one end of the conference table while Nakai set up the storyboards, and Taichi got ready to make up some b.s. speech off the top of his head to try and wow Sakamoto.
All the research, all the actual work - he really wasn’t sure Nakai or Taichi would even acknowledge them. And it didn’t matter. He saw Nakai spot the green light on the projector as he was setting up, and he couldn’t say anything. Sakurai just tapped his laptop cover with an appreciative little bump.
Taichi got going, explaining how the family would be seated around their dining room table eating ramen. Naturally the camera would zoom out from the Happy House pink and white kamaboko swirl in their bowls to show the mother, father and children. The next bit of Ohno’s artwork showed the bright pink bottle. The family then got energy, and Nakai played the CD with Tsuyoshi’s jingle.
“Happy House,” came Tsuyoshi’s voice. “A pow-pow-powerful boost for your family! All-natural, all-nutritious, all-energy!”
The storyboards flipped as Taichi explained how the family would start a cleaning frenzy.
The last storyboard was the bottle alone on top of a mountain. “Happy House F+ Energy Pow,” Taichi said, “Rising above all other energy drinks.”
Junno blushed a little bit. It was the only bit of copy he’d written that had actually made it into the pitch.
But then there was silence. Okada was scribbling notes wildly, but Sakamoto was leaning back in his chair stroking his chin. Nakamaru knew they’d lost him, and Sakurai was already sitting up more in his chair, waiting for his window of opportunity.
“So Energy Pow gets the family to...clean the house?” Sakamoto said first.
Taichi smiled. “Yes. Everyone’s participating, see?” He had Nakai flip back through the storyboards. “Here’s Mom, and then Dad. Look, even Grandpa’s getting involved.”
“Your storyboards are nice,” Sakamoto said, “but there’s no soul. I don’t believe those drawings are people.”
“Um, well, they are. They will be,” Nakai reminded him. “We haven’t filmed it yet obviously so...”
“Can you act it out? I mean, the family? Can you do that bit?” Sakamoto wondered. And that’s when Nakamaru felt Nakai’s eyes on him like a well-trained laser.
“Of course, Taguchi, Nukamara, go.”
He and Junno exchanged panicked glances before hurrying out of their chairs to stand at the front of the room. Sakamoto looked like he was going to rip the storyboards apart, so this didn’t bode well in case he and Taguchi royally screwed this up.
“Should I be the father?” Nakamaru asked. “He gets up first.”
“But you look more like grandpa.”
He wanted to kick Junno, but that wouldn’t do them any favors. Since all eyes were off him for the time being, Sakurai opened up his laptop slowly, fingers inching across the conference table to grab the remote for the projector.
“Hey everyone!” Junno cried out noisily, sounding more like some drunk guy at karaoke than the commanding father. “This Energy Pow sure has me going! Let’s clean the house!”
Nakamaru cleared his throat. “Energy Pow has all the ingredients I need to feel young again.”
Sakamoto thumped his fist on the table. “Not Grandpa enough!”
Nakamaru slowed down his delivery. “Energy Pow has all the ingredients I need to feel young again.”
“You’re 85 and my drink’s got you going nuts!” Sakamoto screamed.
He bent over, holding his hip. “Energy Pow has all the ingredients I need...” He stood back up and smiled like he was in a school play. “To feel young again!”
Taguchi then dropped to his knees to play the little girl. “I just love Energy Pow!”
Sakamoto had had it, kicking back the leather seat until it toppled. Okada was still taking notes on whatever it was he was taking notes about. “What the hell is this? Is this really how you’re going to promote my nutraceutical beverage?”
“Well, sir, to be fair, there will be real actors in the commercial...” Taichi interrupted.
“A family cleaning their house? That’s the extent of their energy?” Sakamoto shouted.
“Well...” Nakai stuttered, “I mean, they could clean the car together? Taguchi, pretend you’re using a squeegee on the windshield...”
But before Junno could get into character, Sakamoto got to his feet. “Enough! I don’t need Grandpa busting a move or Junior squeegeeing the car! What does that have to do with what I asked? I want everyone in Japan to buy my drink! Can you tell me honestly, Nakai-san, that a commercial like this would send you running to the store? Kokubun-san?”
Taichi was turning purple, loosening his tie. “Well, we’re in advertising, so there’s not much that sends us running...”
“Sakamoto-san,” Sakurai interrupted.
“You wouldn’t buy this drink!” Sakamoto screeched. “So why would anyone else?!”
“Sakamoto-san,” Sakurai tried again, standing his ground even as the Happy House CEO turned to him with the masculine equivalent of a Medusa stare. Nakamaru was pretty sure he’d have wet himself if he’d gotten that look. Then again, if Sakurai was wetting himself, it wasn’t showing up on his pants yet.
“You. Storm boy. You tried the drink last time.”
“I did, sir,” Sakurai said, holding up the remote to turn the projector screen on. “And if I may, there was an alternate idea for your commercial.”
“I knew it,” Nakai grumbled, taking the storyboards down.
“An alternate idea,” Sakurai continued, “that attempts to ah, well, if I could, sir?”
Sakamoto sat down slowly, and Okada slid a bottle of some over-the-counter heart medication as discreetly as he could to his boss’ hand. “Okay kid, nobody better be cleaning the house in this one.”
“No, sir,” Sakurai said, moving to the front of the room. Taichi was shaking, and Taguchi had to pull him aside so that Sho could present. Nakamaru held his breath, hoping that this was going to be extraordinary enough to both please Sakamoto and keep Nakai and Taichi from pushing Sho out the window.
Sakurai continued, looking far more relaxed when he was speaking directly to Sakamoto. “Happy House F+ Energy Pow. The Japanese people respect the sea. If I may, the prototype for Sea Energy, See Energy.”
The next slide had a movie file embedded, and Sho nodded for Nakamaru to go ahead and click play on his laptop. Nakai watched him bitterly as he did so, but Nakamaru was just as excited to see it as Sakamoto. The production quality was amazing, especially for a simple pitch.
The camera view plunged down into the ocean, past various types of fish before locating a shark. The shark then dove to discover bottles of F+ Energy Pow resting at the bottom of the sea. The CGI shark then whipped his tail fin, dislodging one of the Energy Pows and sending it rocketing up and out of the water, and Sakamoto let out a gasp of awe.
The bottle came flying across Japan to the sound of the little jingle Tsuyoshi had written before bursting through the roof of a CGI Tokyo Dome and into an outstretched hand. The camera pulled back to reveal a player for the Giants who took a big sip of Energy Pow. There was a cut and the baseball player swung a bat, hitting a home run.
“Happy House F+ Energy Pow,” came Sakurai’s voice through the laptop speakers. “Sea Energy, See Energy.”
It was elaborate. It would be ridiculously expensive. And already Nakai and Taichi looked close to giggles. But Sakurai just bowed, waiting for Sakamoto to pass judgment. Nakamaru looked up from the laptop to see the CEO sitting there, quietly pondering. Okada was still scribbling notes.
Nakai walked up, knocking into Sakurai hard. “Sakamoto-san, I cannot begin to apologize for Sakurai-san’s rudeness today and...”
“I’m sorry, was that Kamenashi Kazuya?” Sakamoto asked. Definitely not the first question Nakamaru expected.
Sakurai looked up, confusion riddling his features. “I...well, I think so? My CGI guy just picked a player from the Giants that he liked for the model so it could be any...”
“He’s so versatile,” Sakamoto said. “Pitching, batting, he can do it all.”
“Thank you?” Sakurai answered hesitantly.
“Wait, wait, Sakamoto-san,” Taichi interrupted. “You aren’t seriously considering this...amateurish production?” Amateurish was the storyboards, and him and Junno reenacting a commercial. Sakurai’s pitch was professional and impressive. Nakamaru had never seen anything so exciting this early on in the planning stages.
“There’s a shark,” Sakamoto reminded them. “And while I have a crippling fear of them, I can’t think of a better way to appeal a fish-derived energy drink. And look! Kamenashi hit a home run because of my drink!”
Taichi continued, panicking as the mood in the room shifted from what he and Nakai had done to Sho’s offering. “But...but, you wanted to reach everyone with this commercial. I don’t see how some baseball player could...”
“Everybody loves baseball,” Sakamoto said. “And everyone respects sharks as the dangerous predators they are. If a shark chose this drink of all the others at the bottom of the ocean, then wouldn’t they make that same decision?”
“Are there a lot of drinks at the bottom of the ocean?” Okada asked.
“It’s settled!” Sakamoto said, getting up to vigorously shake Sho’s hand. “This is exactly what I was looking for. Suspense! Excitement! Kamenashi Kazuya drinking my F+ Energy Pow!”
It was probably as different from what he’d actually asked for as you could get, Nakamaru thought, but maybe Sakurai understood Sakamoto better than the man understood himself. No wonder Storm was winning so many accounts and awards in so short a time.
Nakai looked a bit shell-shocked himself, shaking Sakamoto’s hand next. “Of course, we’ll...we’ll do everything we can to see this make it to air. But as for the baseball player, it might be cheaper to get someone from another team...”
“Cost isn’t an issue,” Sakamoto said. “I want that wiry little firecracker smiling for the camera, smiling for Japan. I want everyone running to the convenience store and buying them all up. Thank you so much. You scared me with that first ad, what a joke that was, huh?”
“Uh...right,” Nakai said. “If you’ll let us escort you out, we’ll get started right away...”
Okada and Sakamoto were led out by Nakai and Taichi, and as soon as they were gone, Sakurai let out a whoop of joy. “I did it! I did it, I did it!”
Taguchi came running over to the laptop, shoving Nakamaru aside. “Let’s watch it again! The ball smashed through the Tokyo Dome!”
He stumbled back a little. “You...this was really good, Sho-kun, really...”
“Thanks,” Sakurai said, “but it was really my friend who made it real...”
“...but I think you might want to leave,” Nakamaru said. “The building. Like, right now, because I think Taichi and Nakai are going to murder you, and have me and Junno clean it up to look like a bizarre suicide.”
“Wait, what?” Sho asked. “I mean, maybe I shouldn’t have gone behind their backs, but you said yourself that they’re out of touch, and you saw how excited Sakamoto-san was...”
Nakamaru nodded. “It’s great, really. But just...I don’t know, watch your back.”
Sakurai gently eased Junno away from his laptop where he was watching the commercial CGI for about the fifth time already. “This is a professional agency. I think as long as the client’s happy, we can all pat ourselves on the back for a good pitch. I mean, they’re the ones who are going to take the credit, right?”
Nakamaru was still unsure. Nakai and Taichi (and most upper level advertising execs he’d met) tended to behave more like elementary school students than grown adults.
“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Junno said, patting Sho’s shoulder in encouragement. “He’s only a contracted worker for this project What’s the worse they could really do to him?”
--
Nakamaru nearly dropped his cup of coffee when he was walking back to his cubicle that afternoon, hearing Sakurai’s horrified scream.
“What happened? What’s wrong?” he asked, hurrying over and seeing Junno’s face contort into a look of half-horror, half-amusement.
Sakurai turned his monitor to show Nakamaru that Nakai and Taichi’s counterattack had already started.
Nakamaru squinted at the blinking text of the email.
“LOVE CONQUERS SCIENTIFIC IMPOSSIBILITY! MAN MATES WITH SHARK!!! ALL NEW EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE IN YOUR INBOX EVERY DAY!”
“What...the hell?” Nakamaru asked, and Sakurai couldn’t even speak.
Junno wrapped a comforting arm around Sho. “It’s just shark porn. Aww, Sho-kun, there, there.”
--
And they were just getting started. Even though Nakai and Taichi stayed in their offices, most likely negotiating with Kamenashi’s agent to get him to endorse the product and appear in the commercial, Sho was definitely under attack for his betrayal.
Yamashita from IT had gone from incredibly amused to annoyed in his now daily attempts to block all the human/shark porn that was appearing in Sakurai’s Eastern Mountain inbox. And then there were the printed pictures - the obvious abuse of company resources.
On the second day, they’d somehow found a picture from Sho’s university yearbook, photocopying his head and lodging it between a shark’s jaws. The spurting blood had been scribbled with children’s markers. Nothing but pure class where Nakamaru’s bosses were concerned.
Then a shark was holding a gun in its fin somehow, complete with little “Pow! Pow!” captions in thinly-disguised Nakai handwriting as it shot the university photo full of holes.
And then there was a picture of a shark pooping on the same university picture of Sho. Taichi’s artistic talent was in a world all its own.
“They really have a thing for sharks,” Junno pointed out in a not at all helpful way.
Sho had kept each one of them. “Shouldn’t I tell Kimura-san? Or Higashiyama-san? This is bullying.”
“And risk having Nakai-san tell them that you’re a known pedophile? Or that you rape old ladies and steal their pensions? Because they will Photoshop a fake police report,” Nakamaru said.
Sho gulped. “They know Photoshop?”
“No,” Taguchi said. “But Nishikido in the art department’s got a mean streak.”
Sakurai stared at the shark defecating on his face one last time before shoving the stack of pictures into his recycle bin.
--
Nakamaru and Junno were worried when they were called to a closed-door meeting in Nakai’s office the following week. Sakurai was nowhere to be seen.
“Before you ask, Sakurai-san’s not here today,” Taichi said, “there was a problem at his apartment building. A fire.”
“My god!” Junno cried. “You set his house on fire?!”
“No, idiot,” Nakai said. “There really was a fire in the building. Someone’s rice cooker exploded on another floor. I guess the sprinklers went off and ruined some stuff.”
“Besides, we don’t mess with fire anymore,” Taichi said calmly, sending a shiver down Nakamaru’s spine.
He cleared his throat. “So the meeting today?” he asked, trying not to imagine Nakai and Taichi going as far as attempted murder.
Nakai sighed. “As you may or may not know, Kamenashi Kazuya is high in demand. He’s actually on his way back to Japan after filming a commercial in Australia. Sakurai’s picking him up at Narita tomorrow afternoon and bringing him to the studio.”
Well, it was good to know that Nakai and Taichi weren’t altering the commercial. At least they seemed to know which way the wind was blowing as far as pleasing Sakamoto went.
Taguchi smiled. “Cool! Will we be able to get his autograph?”
“One better,” Taichi said, picking up a cardboard box from Nakai’s thinking couch and shoving it into Junno’s arms. “You’ll get to be up close and personal with him.”
Junno pulled a black ski mask out of the box. “What?”
Nakai grinned. “You’re kidnapping him.”
--
“I don’t like this,” Junno was complaining, pulling the leather gloves on as Nakamaru signaled his lane change. His ancient, tiny Toyota sputtered its way down the highway.
“And you think I do?” he asked.
This was dangerous. Just so Sakurai would look like a fool, they were supposed to kidnap a famous baseball player? Nakamaru had grown fond of Sho since they’d been working together. He’d been nice, had asked for Nakamaru’s input on things, and had even remembered his name!
But it was either abduct Kamenashi and let Sho take the fall, or he and Taguchi would both lose their jobs. And that wasn’t the end of the blackmailing.Taichi had had Nishikido whip up a prototype marriage certificate and a creepy photo album full of kissy faces and rainbow-frosted wedding cake to prove that Nakamaru and Taguchi had run off to Tahiti and gotten married to celebrate their quote unquote “undying, beautiful homosexual life partnership.”
Not that Nakamaru thought there was anything wrong with being gay, but Nakai had at least 20 publishers on speed dial, and he really didn’t need a fake “marriage” announcement with Junno to appear in newspapers across the country. That would be hard to explain to his Grandma come Christmas.
“I’ve never committed a crime before,” Taguchi was whining. “I mean, okay, I’ve jaywalked. And this one time, I cut the tag off a mattress...”
“Taguchi...”
“I mean, it says you can cut it if you’re the owner, but I was sleeping at my aunt’s house and it was her mattress, so I tried to tape it back together because I was paranoid that she’d tell the police it was me...”
“TAGUCHI!” Nakamaru shouted, getting off the exit ramp for Narita. “Seriously! Shut your mouth! Can we focus on this so I don’t have to be fake married to you?”
Junno sulked, pulling at a string on the ski mask in his lap. “I’m not chloroforming Sho-kun. He’s our friend.”
“Well, how else do you plan to get Kamenashi away from him?”
“Can’t we just take them both? And let them off somewhere else? I don’t like this yakuza-looking warehouse idea.”
Nakamaru gritted his teeth. “You want to lose your job and let those manipulated photos of you licking my face get out there? Really? You’re that unconcerned about being taken seriously again...ever?”
Junno rolled his eyes. “Please, the Photoshopping on that one wasn’t that good. It doesn’t even look like my tongue.” He pulled down the sun visor, flipped open the little mirror, and opened his mouth. “Thee? Thith ith what mah tongue look lahke.”
He pushed the accelerator down, begging the Toyota to put in more effort than Taguchi was. They found Sho’s car in the visitor lot (Nakai and Taichi had provided photographs of the man’s car - Nakamaru didn’t want to know) and waited. He wasn’t fond of the chloroform thing either. Too many variables that could go wrong. So instead, he and Junno hid on the side of the car, waiting to pop out and scare them.
Taguchi was responsible for getting Kamenashi in the trunk. Sure, he was a baseball player and probably worked out and munched on steroids with his breakfast, but they had surprise on their side. Then Nakamaru just had to make sure that Sho didn’t call for help or something.
The minutes passed, and they waited. And waited. And waited some more. He pulled up his ski mask and glanced at his watch. “Flight should have landed an hour ago.”
“Well, he was coming back from Australia,” Junno reminded him, voice a little muffled by his mask. “Probably had to get his luggage and go through customs.”
“Hmmph.”
Some more time passed, and then they heard footsteps coming. He pulled his mask down and patted Junno’s arm, telling him to get up in five seconds. Five. Four. Three. Two...
“Raaaaa!” he screamed, getting to his feet and pointing a water pistol at Sho. “This is a hold-up! Get in the...”
Sho cried out like a woman, dropping his “KAMENASHI KAZUYA-SAN” sign on the pavement and holding out his keys in front of him in his defense. Too bad there was no Kamenashi Kazuya-san with him.
Junno stood up and scratched his head. “Where’s Kame?”
Sho leaned against the car, hand shaking with the keys jingling. “...Taguchi?”
Nakamaru pulled up his own mask and sighed. “What gives? Where’s Kamenashi?”
Junno ripped off his mask and threw it down. “This was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.”
Well, Nakamaru would argue that the day Taguchi had tried to ferment his own alcohol in the employee lounge was considerably dumber, but now wasn’t really the best time to point that out.
“Why are you dressed like ninjas?” Sho asked, still hyperventilating slightly. “Kamenashi got in on an earlier flight and left in a limo.”
“A limo?” Junno moaned. “We did all this for nothing!”
Sho looked justifiably hurt. “What are you two doing here? What’s with the gun?”
“It’s just a water gun.” Nakamaru pointed it at Junno and squirted him in the face.
“Hey!” Junno exclaimed.
“We were supposed to kidnap Kamenashi and bring him to a warehouse, splash him with cold water and then convince him we were yakuza sent by Sakurai Sho to murder him,” Nakamaru said. It sounded even dumber now.
“We were going to let him go, though,” Junno said. “After telling him you banged his girlfriend. And probably his mom.”
Sho narrowed his eyes. “I thought you guys were my friends,” he said quietly, picking up his carefully-made sign from the ground.
“Nakai said we would lose our jobs if we didn’t,” Nakamaru explained. “And they were going to make it look like me and Junno were gay lovers. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But really, if I was gay, I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole, no offense.”
“None taken. Sho-kun, we’re sorry,” Junno said, bowing his head. “I didn’t want to, but I need this job. They let me wear jeans every day.”
Sho nodded wearily. “Fine, fine, I get it. But think about it - you were about to commit a serious crime. That’s more than bullying. That’s breaking the law. And you still want to work for people who threaten you like that?”
Nakamaru and Junno exchanged a look. Then glanced down at the ridiculous clothes they were wearing. Then looked at the nice guy in front of them who worked his ass off to please their client rather than win more awards to dust.
“When this job is over,” Sho continued, “Maybe you can come over to Storm. We’re still new, but we’re forward thinking. And I can guarantee that my boss won’t make you commit felonies. Jun can be grouchy, but he’s not insane.”
“Fair enough,” Nakamaru said, holding out his hand. “We’re sorry, really.”
“Truce?” Junno asked.
Sho nodded. “Truce.”
--
When they got to the set for the CM the next day, everything was in an uproar. Sure, they’d been able to get Kamenashi and a green screen to stand in for the Tokyo Dome, but Sakamoto’s “unlimited” budget was more like a budget for a local cable channel’s commercial.
There would be no CGI shark whacking a bottle of F+ Energy Pow out of the CGI ocean. Instead, they’d managed to rent an animatronic shark and a tank on the cheap from a bankrupt movie studio. Even now, Sho had rolled up his pant legs and discarded his jacket, leaning over the side of the tank trying to figure out how the fake shark would be able to smack the bright pink bottle.
Nakamaru and Junno were responsible for “handling” the commercial’s star, who despite getting paid for his time, was being very disagreeable.
“That shark’s not going to splash me, is it?” Kamenashi was complaining. “Because I can’t get my hair wet. I don’t know where that water came from.”
“Um, well, the tank was filled with a hose,” Junno explained. “So I think they just got it from a truck or something? I mean, you’re not going to be anywhere near the shark so...”
“Well, I can’t get my hair wet,” Kamenashi reiterated.
“Yeah, we got that,” Nakamaru said, losing his patience. “Don’t worry, Kamenashi-san.” He didn’t see why it was so exciting to have the guy in the commercial. Kamenashi was banking ten million yen a year, and he still had a 5.49 ERA. He wasn’t THAT great.
Junno held up two bats. “So we just need you to swing these. Whichever one works for you.”
Kamenashi turned up his nose. “Where’d you get those, some local junior high school gym? I’m not using those.”
And that was when Nakai approached, all smiles. “Ah, Kamenashi-san, we’re ready to start whenever you are. Was there a problem here?”
“He hates the bats,” Nakamaru explained.
“I see,” Nakai said. “Well, we want our star to be happy, right?”
“I can’t get my hair wet. I have a commercial to film for hair gel this afternoon,” Kamenashi reminded Nakai.
“Of course. Taguchi, Namakaru. Go to the sports store, find Kamenashi-san a new bat.”
“What?” Junno exclaimed.
And then Taichi was right at Nakamaru’s elbow. Downright creepy. “What’s that, hmm, you’re leaving? Well, take Sakurai with you.”
“Why do we need three people to go buy a bat?” Nakamaru asked, getting fed up with everything. He didn’t know why he didn’t just quit and follow Sakurai to Storm Advertising then and there.
Kamenashi jotted down a list of “acceptable” bats, and Nakamaru was sure that they’d all be expensive. Of course, neither of his bosses offered any money or the corporate card, so it looked like he was going to have to foot the bill. Why couldn’t Mr. 5.49 ERA bring his own damn bat?
They went to fetch Sho from the tank and headed back to Nakamaru’s Toyota, hearing Kamenashi gripe about wanting a body double as they departed.
--
“You just watch,” Nakamaru said as they were practically parked in traffic on the way back to the set. “They’ll have the whole commercial shoot done when we get back, and we’ll have to go return the stupid bat.”
Junno was in the back seat, bat laying across his lap. “Did you see the look on Taichi’s face? He was so happy to send Sho-kun with us.”
“Well, what are they going to do to me?” Sho wondered, frowning as he looked out the window. “Have Kamenashi practice hitting the home run by hitting me? The job’s almost over. I’ll be gone soon enough.”
“It’s suspicious though,” Junno mused. “They sure were happy to get us off set. They’re planning something.”
“Let’s just get back and worry then,” Nakamaru scolded. He had his resignation letter in his back pocket. All Taichi or Nakai had to do was get him to his breaking point. He was getting closer and closer every minute.
When they arrived, Kamenashi took the bat they offered him, complaining about the weight of it even though it had been on his stupid list. But he went ahead with the filming, and Nakamaru exhaled. All they had left to film was the shark bit, and Kamenashi would be long gone and shilling hair gel for some other commercial.
“Is the shark looking funny to you?” Sho asked, peering across the set to the tank. “It’s not moving.”
“Maybe it’s sleeping,” Junno said.
“It’s a robot,” Nakamaru reminded him.
Junno scowled. “Maybe it’s in robot sleep then.” He headed over to the tank. “I’ll go fix it.”
Nakai and Taichi came hurrying over. “Taguchi, wait. Let Sakurai do it...he’s the shark idea man,” Nakai cried.
“Nah, I got it,” Junno said, climbing up the ladder to the tank.
“Taguchi, get down!” Taichi shouted.
“Hey! You know, I’m not an idiot. I can do stuff if you just give me a chance!” Junno complained, and that was when Nakamaru realized that there really was something wrong.
“Taguchi! Stop!” Nakamaru cried, and Sho took off running.
Junno turned and looked at the tank and there was a sudden splash. The animatronic shark went nuts, mouth opening and closing with a metallic crunching sound. Taguchi lost his balance on the ladder and went tumbling into the tank.
“Oh shit, this isn’t good,” Nakai said plainly, and Nakamaru went chasing after Sho.
“Well, this was your idea,” Taichi retorted.
Junno’s head bobbed out of the water. “Heeeeeelp! It’s got my...leg...or somethi-” and then he was back under, in the clutches of the animatronic shark. The tank was see-through, and Nakamaru could see the shark was swimming in a frenzied circle, pulling Junno along under the water and knocking his head against the side of the tank. Ouch.
There was another splash, and Sakurai was in the water. “It’s cold!” he cried. “Taguchi, hold on!”
All the staff watched, stunned by the killer animatronic shark, so it was just Junno being dragged, Sho flailing in the water trying to kick at it, and Nakamaru shouting what he hoped were helpful commands from outside the pool. “Taguchi, play dead!”
“That’s for bears!” Sakurai cried, waving his hands frantically, splashing water everywhere.
“What the hell did you do to it?!” Nakamaru cried, demanding answers from his boss.
“It had a motion sensor kill setting,” Nakai explained as though it was obvious. “It was just a prank.”
“Kill setting?!” Junno screamed before getting pulled under again.
Kamenashi walked up, seemingly unconcerned about someone getting drowned in front of him. He handed Nakamaru the bat. “Here, maybe this will help. The bat ruins my swing anyhow.”
He gave Kamenashi a glare before hefting the very expensive, brand new bat and climbing the ladder to the tank. He could see the shark still ramming Junno against the wall, and Sho splashing in a completely useless way. He held the bat up. “Oi, Taguchi! Uh, try and get it over here!”
“It’s killing me!” Junno gurgled.
“Well, have him kill you over here! I’m not getting in the water!” he complained.
Sho splashed his way over to Nakamaru, trying to draw the shark over and only succeeded in soaking Nakamaru to the bone. He spat water out of his mouth and waited for his chance. Finally, Junno came flying over and Nakamaru swung.
There was a mini explosion of sparks and a girly Sho scream and Kamenashi complaining about his hair getting wet and Nakai and Taichi looking on in solemn contemplation. The animatronic shark had gone to animatronic animal heaven.
The resignation letter fluttered out of Nakamaru’s pocket, landing in a puddle of water at the base of the tank. Taichi picked it up, but all the ink had smeared. Sho helped Junno to the ladder, and they surveyed the scene.
“Well,” Nakai said. “I think that’s a wrap for today.”
--
He and Sho gathered around Junno’s computer a week later, watching the news broadcast.
The reporter was nearly crying. “An awful tragedy here in Okinawa as eight year old Hatonaka Seiji was killed in a shark attack. All the beaches around Naha have been closed for further investigation, but a town is in tears tonight. Hatonaka was swimming on a beach with friends, though no lifeguard was present and...”
Junno closed out the video window just in time for Nakai and Taichi to approach, all smiles. “Sure is a tragedy about little Seiji-kun,” Nakai said, faker than a boy band singing on Music Station.
“Of course, our prayers go out to his family,” Taichi remarked.
Nakai patted Junno on the shoulder. “We just got back from a meeting with Sakamoto-san and Higashiyama-san, and sadly, in light of the tragedy...”
“You’re pulling the commercial,” Sakurai said glumly.
“Tough break, tough break,” Taichi said. “But we do need something to go on air during the Monday night drama block tonight. I know it’s short notice but...”
An hour later, the three of them were sitting around a dining table, and the old man beard and old man bald cap were itching him like crazy. Sho, already in his suit at the office that morning, was the perfect find to play the father while Junno looked almost too perfect in a dress, wig, and pearls. They’d pulled a kid off the street to play the child, who was digging his nose beside Sho.
Taichi gave them a thumbs up. “Go for it, Grandpa!” he said as the cameras got rolling.
Nakamaru hoped the microphone didn’t pick up his sigh of disappointment. He got to his feet and flexed his arm, feeling the old man mustache start to fall off his upper lip.
“Energy Pow has all the ingredients I need to feel young again.”
--
From: Higashiyama Noriyuki (higashiyama-n@easternmountain.co.jp)
To: Kokubun Taichi (kokubun-t@easternmountain.co.jp); Nakai Masahiro (nakai-m@easternmountain.co.jp
Subject: No Subject
See me immediately.
-H
Higashiyama Noriyuki, CEO
Eastern Mountain Advertising Services
Creativity. Integrity. Dedication. Results.
--
Nakamaru liked the chair. And the desk. And the fact that he had four walls. And a door. And a view of the Tokyo smog.
Junno was relaxing on the thinking couch while Sho sat in the chair in front of Nakamaru’s desk busily taking notes. The merger with Storm Advertising had been a complete success, and the three co-leads on the Hitachi account were a well-oiled machine. Advertising for electronics again made it worth coming to work.
Of course, Nakamaru hadn’t been the least bit sad to see Taichi and Nakai leave the company.
He would have paid good money to be a fly on the wall in the meeting they had with Higashiyama. About the four bottles of Happy House F+ Energy Pow that had been sold in total. About the shark porn. About the attempted kidnapping of a Japanese sports superstar. And of course, about the animatronic shark’s near-murder of an Eastern Mountain employee.
The two had amicably parted ways with the company to avoid being reported to the cops. Things were going pretty damn good.
Junno perked up from the thinking couch. “I’ve got it!”
Nakamaru and Sho exchanged a look. “Alright, Taguchi. What is it?” Nakamaru asked.
“The new Hitachi bread maker - rising to the occasion!”
He and Sho smiled. And then Junno smiled.
And then Nakamaru shook his head. “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”
Advertising. It really was the best job in the world.