(no subject)

Feb 21, 2005 22:15

Wanting to shower for three hours then puke and burry my head in it. Yeah todays been great the first day in like two weeks that ive taken my pills and now i just feel all down. Im thinking that things in my life arnt going as well as i hoped. I seriously go out with my friends and everythings great but when i get in the car or step in the house im seriously pissed. I dont know why and im not sure if i like it or not. I dunno i just wish that i could have a happy medium. I think its my parents. seriously they do so many things that really bug me. They tell me to be honest with them but when i do i get told that my dads ashamed of me for being gay. Good times eh? I just wish i had some say in things. You know like if i could you know go out with out being embarrased by either of them. Not be the only one who cleans my house. I fucking hate this i seriously want to move out on my own. get the fuck outta this house and be free. I want to move out with just kali and have things simple again. not having to worry if im not living up to my parents standereds. I always feel like im a failure and i still try to make them think im not. I try to live up to their expectations but they are sooo far away.Seriously i just feel like a tottal failure. Not just with my family but with my friends and school and life in general. I want to take a hose on the exhaust and breathe deep. I dont know what the hell I am supost to do anymore. I am a failure. I got told that today. Im a tottal let down. Well Fuck them fuck you all. seriously i dont need to feel this way i know i always will but now im going to say. FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON. wow much better. Im tempted to walk into my parents room as they are sleeping and yell FUCK YOU COCK SUCKERS. i know its not the most mature thing to do but i think it would help. I just want to feel like im good enough. I just want to cry. I want to cry out till im empty wait im already there
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