This is about being deceived
Why am I a psych major? I hate people, HATE them. Well not all the time, only when they're nasty, conceited and cold. Unfortunately for me, being gay and all, I get to experience these three traits quite often in the guys I interact with. Now I know I tend to personify some of these too, I'm far from innocent in that respect, yet I can't help but feel that some of my peers do so more often than I do. The fact that I spent most of my adolescent life right up to the present trying to lose weight and maintain one that is healthy doesn't matter an iota to some of the inconsiderate pricks I come across. I am well aware I don't have the "ideal" body and that my body fat percentage is probably in dangerous levels compared to most of the gay mens' on this campus and elsewhere. It's really starting to get on my nerves. Now I see why so many men who question their sexuality end up killing themselves. Life would be so much easier if I was born with an inate attraction to women, but the powers that be saw it fit to torture me further by compounding my bad looks and hair loss tendencies with a predisposition toward being sexually attracted to men. I've gotten the short end of the stick since day one, and life's only since been briefly punctuated with instances where I've been truly happy with who I am. I was born pale, fated to hair loss, prone to weight gain, with no special abilities whatsoever, except the capacity to care for those around me unconditionally. Hearing about people who say, "Ew, since when do you hang out with Rob?" and crap like that angers me. It gets me thinking just how badly I am viewed by some people and it scares me. I've tried so fucking hard to become a better person and do so everyday, and it gets me nowhere. Nobody notices, nobody cares and it makes me wonder why I bothered to try in the first place. It'll never be enough, I'm too behind in my life lessons to ever become an individual of any real worth. It also seems I'm not worthy of "random acts of kindness" but I'll continue to act out my random acts of kindness despite this, even to those who don't see me fit to be the receiver of such acts. I've never seen myself as a vengeful person, but I am one that gets angered and jealous quite easily. I wish I knew why this was. To top it all off, I don't know what I want to do with my life. Psychology seems a waste since humans are such a blatant and remorseless disappointment, including me. Thanks to my counseling class, though, I finally feel like it's ok to not know what I want to do, to give some thought to it, and do what ROB wants to do as opposed to what everyone ELSE wants Rob to do. It's astonishing how I can be brought up to be taught that the world is a wondrous, beautiful place and have that all but decimated by the time I'm 22. I just want to graduate so I can get away from this place and start, for the first time, living life the way I want to live it. Thanks mom and dad for deceiving me and pressuring me into doing what YOU wanted me to do, fucked me up plenty :o).