Mentally and physically exhausted
I think I experienced what it's like to have a panic attack of sorts with severe coughing, puking and crying. All in one morning. I feel like Bennington really brings out my worst qualities and surfaces who I'm not. I came here to discover and live my passions. The only thing I have discovered and lived is stress and depression along with a random case of acne and weight gain. I feel like I'm always rushed, and I keep pushing and pushing myself, but I always feel so tired to do anything I'm supposed to do. Even when I do complete everything, it doesn't feel at all satisfying and I am not acknowledged for the jobs I do. I don't know if this school can provide me with the type of direction I need in order to get where I want to be. Yeah, I'm in love with my friends I've made here and I am totally and utterly in love with my Japanese teacher, but maybe there is a better place. I don't know where the hell it is, but, I'm going to look again and maybe stumble upon something I missed last year. Simply because this isn't really working out well. Part of it is also the lack of a car. I feel completely isolated here and add the "Bennington Bubble" on top of that (we dont have cable TV or anything) and you get some fucked up child who knows nothing outside of a group of friends. Is that a way to live? Is that a way to succeed? I don't know. I'm just really confused about all of this.
I do really like Bennington. I do. I just feel like there's something...somewhere telling me this isn't the place for me. All that has happened here are constant waves of abominable situations drowning me and pulling me under thier current, never letting me back up for air. Today is a good example.
So, since Bennington students don't have requirements, we do have a Plan Process. Students make up their OWN plan by writing a collection of essays during their 4 years here. There is one due each year. So I had my first term reflection essay due today. Which isn't going to be handed in because I missed my advisor meeting last Tuesday before I left for Thanksgiving and he was supposed to tell me what I should edit in the essay to make it an ideal reflection essay. I emailed my advisor when I arrived home and sent him an ecard. I asked him to call me over the break or send me a copy of my essay with comments and what not so I could work on it over the break. I did not receive a reply. So yesterday when I came back, I emailed him again. Still no response this morning. However; this morning I found out he never got the ecard because I spelled his EMAIL address WRONG. This is when I freaked. I feel like he thinks I'm a total irresponsible, disorganized, illplanned boneheaded girl now. Which I didn't think I was, until I came to Bennington. Luckily, I got an extention from the lady who would be collecting these essays after I explained my situation. So I have until Wednesday. But it doesn't change that I feel irresponible and stupid. He's totally going to fry me tomorrow.
I had my Steve Reich presentation this morning, which went really well, given how I woke up this morning with a coughing attack that ultimately made me gag up stuff on top of stress. But that was the highlight of my day so far. I'm not going to the writing class because I feel like utter shit. I've also had writers block ever since I've come here. I feel like everything Mrs. Roper taught me has gone to pot. Literally. I'm having such a hard time producing any kind of writing. I've lost all inspiration to write and do my work. I thought being here would motivate me to be the best. But I'm not. Not even close. I haven't proved anything while I've been here. I haven't done anything extraordinary. I can't do this anymore. I just hope I can survive the 3 weeks I have left before winter break then FWT. I really hope I can.
I do really like Bennington. I do. I just feel like there's something...somewhere telling me this isn't the place for me. All that has happened here are constant waves of abominable situations drowning me and pulling me under thier current, never letting me back up for air. Today is a good example.
So, since Bennington students don't have requirements, we do have a Plan Process. Students make up their OWN plan by writing a collection of essays during their 4 years here. There is one due each year. So I had my first term reflection essay due today. Which isn't going to be handed in because I missed my advisor meeting last Tuesday before I left for Thanksgiving and he was supposed to tell me what I should edit in the essay to make it an ideal reflection essay. I emailed my advisor when I arrived home and sent him an ecard. I asked him to call me over the break or send me a copy of my essay with comments and what not so I could work on it over the break. I did not receive a reply. So yesterday when I came back, I emailed him again. Still no response this morning. However; this morning I found out he never got the ecard because I spelled his EMAIL address WRONG. This is when I freaked. I feel like he thinks I'm a total irresponsible, disorganized, illplanned boneheaded girl now. Which I didn't think I was, until I came to Bennington. Luckily, I got an extention from the lady who would be collecting these essays after I explained my situation. So I have until Wednesday. But it doesn't change that I feel irresponible and stupid. He's totally going to fry me tomorrow.
I had my Steve Reich presentation this morning, which went really well, given how I woke up this morning with a coughing attack that ultimately made me gag up stuff on top of stress. But that was the highlight of my day so far. I'm not going to the writing class because I feel like utter shit. I've also had writers block ever since I've come here. I feel like everything Mrs. Roper taught me has gone to pot. Literally. I'm having such a hard time producing any kind of writing. I've lost all inspiration to write and do my work. I thought being here would motivate me to be the best. But I'm not. Not even close. I haven't proved anything while I've been here. I haven't done anything extraordinary. I can't do this anymore. I just hope I can survive the 3 weeks I have left before winter break then FWT. I really hope I can.