drip drip drip
I'm on a mailing list. I've been on this mailing list for a long time--I joined in either 1997 or 1998. It's a list that has to do with my field of expertise, and I know most of the people who participate. It is sometimes infuriating and sometimes very useful. In an odd way, I am fond of it and even at times when it seems to have outlived its usefulness, I stay because I have a sentimental attachment to it. I want to stay. I am not sure if I can.
(I can't be specific about what I'm about to say, because there are confidentiality restrictions and I want to honor those. But I need to talk about this somewhere other than the list in question, so I'm going to do that. Also, I think it's important).
The listowner stepped down recently, and the new list manager has a slightly different role than the old one. Some of the list members used the term "list mom" to refer to the new role. I objected. Apparently, I was too subtle because no one read my objection as an objection, so I objected again.
I said that the term is sexist. I said this because it is. It's meant to be softer and more approachable than "manager" or a "moderator", which means feminizing it makes it less strong, implying women are less strong. It is sexist because it devalues the work of mothering by equating it to a trivial task, like managing a mailing list. I am a mother and I have run a mailing list, and I can say from experience that the two tasks really have little in common. My daughter has never been caught in a bounce loop and my list has never gotten an ear infection, you know? Not the same thing at all.
Before I sent this message to the list, I told a friend:
>if i say on [list] that it's sexist, i'll get the "you're too sensitive, i can't be politically correct" BS.
>because that's what always happens when women bring up concerns like that in forums dominated by men
And guess what happened?
I was right, with a few notable exceptions, which I very much appreciate. (Really, thank you so much).
I got "my [mom|wife|sister|best friend] is a mother, and she doesn't feel insulted by it!" My response to that is that I was not speaking on behalf of every woman in the world, I was speaking on behalf of myself. I explained why I believe what I do, and the existence of women who feel differently doesn't change that.
I got "but we've always used that term!" Well, okay, but I think it's time to stop and I explained why. Does it really chap your ass so to change a single word? If so, then you're being an inconsiderate assmunch, sorry.
I got "but moms are great! I love my mom. She does great things. Look at all the great things moms have accomplished and all the laudable characteristics moms have. It's a complement! I would be proud to be called a list mom and bask in the reflected glory of moms." I'm glad you love your mom and I'm glad you think highly of some women who are mothers, because I totally agree and know lots of mothers who rock the Casbah, and I'm sure they are quite deserving of your admiration. But this just underlines part of my objection: when some mothers do so many amazing things, why are you likening the ADMINISTRATION OF A MAILING LIST to saving small children from being menaced by wild animals and fording rivers in flood to get flour to make bread for dinner etc etc etc. The job is pushing buttons. Unsubbing someone until they turn off their vacation message isn't Sophie's Choice; it's pretty simple. I could call myself the "list Gandhi" and it wouldn't mean that my dragging my ass downstairs to the laptop in the morning was just like the Dandi Salt March and I was just trying to express my enormous respect for the man. Actually, it would be insulting and stupid. Much like the term "list mom." (See what I did there? I'm pointing it out in case you missed it).
I got my favorite, the last refuge of those with no social skills, the "Oh YEAH, Well, I'm insulted by the word "it". Stop using it right now! HA! I showed you, didn't I?" You showed me you're a doucherocket. I objected to a specific term for a specific reason which I explained. You are free to agree or disagree. However, making stupid, content-free comparisons in order to defend your right to be offensive is not a rational discussion, and you're really kind of a dick for doing it at all.
And I got the hardest one of all, the "It doesn't have that connotation for me," and its cousin "I never intended any disrespect." I'm not arguing that; I'm sure you really haven't thought about it that way and I'm sure you didn't intend disrespect. If I thought you had or you did, I wouldn't have brought it up. I brought it up because I respected you enough to think you respected me enough to try to understand my POV and change your language accordingly when you knew it offended me. If I thought you were just a troglodyte who wanted to be offensive (case in point: Glenn Beck), I wouldn't have said anything because what's the point, I got things to do and all.
But, but, but.
I work in a field which is mostly men. I can think of maybe, um, ten women who have jobs similar to mine. I've been doing this for a long time. But there never ever has been one day at work where I can forget that I am not one of the guys, where I can just be another engineer. Where I don't bite my tongue at least once at something sexist (sometimes very subtly so) that's said to me. It would be such an amazing, profound, deep relief to go to work and forget I'm not like you and just do my job, you have no idea. Unless you're one of those ten, and then you probably do. Although I'm not presuming to speak for you.
Hearing these little things, every day, it's like Chinese water torture. It wears you down.
drip drip drip don't be so politically correct drip drip drip you're only offended if you choose to be drip drip drip I'm offended because you're offended drip drip drip don't be so sensitive drip drip drip but that's the term we've always used drip drip drip but everyone's offended by something I can't be expected to keep track drip drip drip
It wears you down. Most days I can keep that so you don't see it. Or I can work really hard and tune it out. Some days I can't. Today is one of those days.
drip drip drip
drip drip drip
I hope it stops soon
drip drip drip
(I can't be specific about what I'm about to say, because there are confidentiality restrictions and I want to honor those. But I need to talk about this somewhere other than the list in question, so I'm going to do that. Also, I think it's important).
The listowner stepped down recently, and the new list manager has a slightly different role than the old one. Some of the list members used the term "list mom" to refer to the new role. I objected. Apparently, I was too subtle because no one read my objection as an objection, so I objected again.
I said that the term is sexist. I said this because it is. It's meant to be softer and more approachable than "manager" or a "moderator", which means feminizing it makes it less strong, implying women are less strong. It is sexist because it devalues the work of mothering by equating it to a trivial task, like managing a mailing list. I am a mother and I have run a mailing list, and I can say from experience that the two tasks really have little in common. My daughter has never been caught in a bounce loop and my list has never gotten an ear infection, you know? Not the same thing at all.
Before I sent this message to the list, I told a friend:
>if i say on [list] that it's sexist, i'll get the "you're too sensitive, i can't be politically correct" BS.
>because that's what always happens when women bring up concerns like that in forums dominated by men
And guess what happened?
I was right, with a few notable exceptions, which I very much appreciate. (Really, thank you so much).
I got "my [mom|wife|sister|best friend] is a mother, and she doesn't feel insulted by it!" My response to that is that I was not speaking on behalf of every woman in the world, I was speaking on behalf of myself. I explained why I believe what I do, and the existence of women who feel differently doesn't change that.
I got "but we've always used that term!" Well, okay, but I think it's time to stop and I explained why. Does it really chap your ass so to change a single word? If so, then you're being an inconsiderate assmunch, sorry.
I got "but moms are great! I love my mom. She does great things. Look at all the great things moms have accomplished and all the laudable characteristics moms have. It's a complement! I would be proud to be called a list mom and bask in the reflected glory of moms." I'm glad you love your mom and I'm glad you think highly of some women who are mothers, because I totally agree and know lots of mothers who rock the Casbah, and I'm sure they are quite deserving of your admiration. But this just underlines part of my objection: when some mothers do so many amazing things, why are you likening the ADMINISTRATION OF A MAILING LIST to saving small children from being menaced by wild animals and fording rivers in flood to get flour to make bread for dinner etc etc etc. The job is pushing buttons. Unsubbing someone until they turn off their vacation message isn't Sophie's Choice; it's pretty simple. I could call myself the "list Gandhi" and it wouldn't mean that my dragging my ass downstairs to the laptop in the morning was just like the Dandi Salt March and I was just trying to express my enormous respect for the man. Actually, it would be insulting and stupid. Much like the term "list mom." (See what I did there? I'm pointing it out in case you missed it).
I got my favorite, the last refuge of those with no social skills, the "Oh YEAH, Well, I'm insulted by the word "it". Stop using it right now! HA! I showed you, didn't I?" You showed me you're a doucherocket. I objected to a specific term for a specific reason which I explained. You are free to agree or disagree. However, making stupid, content-free comparisons in order to defend your right to be offensive is not a rational discussion, and you're really kind of a dick for doing it at all.
And I got the hardest one of all, the "It doesn't have that connotation for me," and its cousin "I never intended any disrespect." I'm not arguing that; I'm sure you really haven't thought about it that way and I'm sure you didn't intend disrespect. If I thought you had or you did, I wouldn't have brought it up. I brought it up because I respected you enough to think you respected me enough to try to understand my POV and change your language accordingly when you knew it offended me. If I thought you were just a troglodyte who wanted to be offensive (case in point: Glenn Beck), I wouldn't have said anything because what's the point, I got things to do and all.
But, but, but.
I work in a field which is mostly men. I can think of maybe, um, ten women who have jobs similar to mine. I've been doing this for a long time. But there never ever has been one day at work where I can forget that I am not one of the guys, where I can just be another engineer. Where I don't bite my tongue at least once at something sexist (sometimes very subtly so) that's said to me. It would be such an amazing, profound, deep relief to go to work and forget I'm not like you and just do my job, you have no idea. Unless you're one of those ten, and then you probably do. Although I'm not presuming to speak for you.
Hearing these little things, every day, it's like Chinese water torture. It wears you down.
drip drip drip don't be so politically correct drip drip drip you're only offended if you choose to be drip drip drip I'm offended because you're offended drip drip drip don't be so sensitive drip drip drip but that's the term we've always used drip drip drip but everyone's offended by something I can't be expected to keep track drip drip drip
It wears you down. Most days I can keep that so you don't see it. Or I can work really hard and tune it out. Some days I can't. Today is one of those days.
drip drip drip
drip drip drip
I hope it stops soon
drip drip drip