Tough Day
Oh, the irony. To have so many connective devices at our fingertips and yet to feel more disconnected than ever. I find myself scrolling Facebook, and more and more often these days, realizing I'm seeking something that isn't there. And yet I do it anyway. It's habitual, at this point.
But I can't lay the blame entirely at social media. We are culprits in our own frustrations. I feel I lack connection but I think I hold myself back from it. Keep myself contained. Or if too much spills out, inadvertently, when I'm frustrated or anxious or ill-at-ease, I then obsess over whether or not I was too annoying, bitchy, huffy, irritable. I have this idea I want to present of myself, as self-contained, calm, easy-going, but I don't know how often I even succeed. Or if that's also just a way of holding back, not letting anyone see the messy, emotional side, because then I might just be "too much" and written off.
I'm adjusting to a new job, and I was looking forward to spending time with co-workers this Saturday after I got invited to someone's house. But then abruptly she canceled it today, and I have this uncomfortable notion that she decided she didn't like me and that was her way of uninviting me. And maybe that's ridiculous, because of course I have to make it all about me -- how self-absorbed is that? But the idea is still lodged in my head. Work frustrations piled on top of me today and I'm worried that I irritated her. I also worry that I'm failing at my job, because I haven't been able to DO my job for the last week (I'm the driver but the vehicle has been in the shop since Monday). I really want to excel and do my best, but it feels like I'm not really accomplishing anything. I've felt kind of useless the past several days, finding little tasks to keep myself busy. But did I really contribute anything? Am I being my best self there? Am I ABLE to be my best self?
My intentions are good, but I've got my flaws. I don't think I handle frustration well. Too much of my Dad comes out, whose temper caused tension. I think I do that too. I want to pretend I've got it under wraps, but maybe I don't. I don't want this to lose me potential friendships. Or cause trouble at work (although I think it already has, as this is why I so often conflict with bosses/managers). I meditate and try and work on myself, but I don't always feel successful. And on days like today, I fall into a crisis of faith with myself and wonder what the hell it's all for?
That sounds more dire than it is. I just feel low, and frustrated, and kinda sorry for myself. Today was tough. I could use some reassurance that I'm not as much of a failure as I think I am. But asking for it feels silly or lame, or "too much."
So I'll just write about it here, in a journal no one reads. At least I'll get it out. Sometimes ya gotta purge.
But I can't lay the blame entirely at social media. We are culprits in our own frustrations. I feel I lack connection but I think I hold myself back from it. Keep myself contained. Or if too much spills out, inadvertently, when I'm frustrated or anxious or ill-at-ease, I then obsess over whether or not I was too annoying, bitchy, huffy, irritable. I have this idea I want to present of myself, as self-contained, calm, easy-going, but I don't know how often I even succeed. Or if that's also just a way of holding back, not letting anyone see the messy, emotional side, because then I might just be "too much" and written off.
I'm adjusting to a new job, and I was looking forward to spending time with co-workers this Saturday after I got invited to someone's house. But then abruptly she canceled it today, and I have this uncomfortable notion that she decided she didn't like me and that was her way of uninviting me. And maybe that's ridiculous, because of course I have to make it all about me -- how self-absorbed is that? But the idea is still lodged in my head. Work frustrations piled on top of me today and I'm worried that I irritated her. I also worry that I'm failing at my job, because I haven't been able to DO my job for the last week (I'm the driver but the vehicle has been in the shop since Monday). I really want to excel and do my best, but it feels like I'm not really accomplishing anything. I've felt kind of useless the past several days, finding little tasks to keep myself busy. But did I really contribute anything? Am I being my best self there? Am I ABLE to be my best self?
My intentions are good, but I've got my flaws. I don't think I handle frustration well. Too much of my Dad comes out, whose temper caused tension. I think I do that too. I want to pretend I've got it under wraps, but maybe I don't. I don't want this to lose me potential friendships. Or cause trouble at work (although I think it already has, as this is why I so often conflict with bosses/managers). I meditate and try and work on myself, but I don't always feel successful. And on days like today, I fall into a crisis of faith with myself and wonder what the hell it's all for?
That sounds more dire than it is. I just feel low, and frustrated, and kinda sorry for myself. Today was tough. I could use some reassurance that I'm not as much of a failure as I think I am. But asking for it feels silly or lame, or "too much."
So I'll just write about it here, in a journal no one reads. At least I'll get it out. Sometimes ya gotta purge.