Difficult decisions and deep doodoo
Or maybe that should be deep thoughts. Either way, there's been a lot of fun, a lot of pain, and a lot of soul-searching since Saturday.
I need to describe background, but the way my mind works, if I don't get the thoughts that inspired me to write down, then they may self-vaporize. My dear and wonderful friend E~ is having a difficult time with a wonderful person who has chosen to end a long friendship with her. He says he is standing by his principles to "avoid being an accomplice". While E~ has not discussed the details with me, they are clearly found elsewhere in public information.
First of all, I fully support E~ in her decision on this issue. I think her (ex-)friend is pushing the concept on standing on principle too damn far. And yet, I feel like doing something very similar. This brings me to my dilemma.
After spending a great deal of time with E~ this weekend, we argued horribly for the last 20 minutes we spent together. It was very unpleasant, and I don't want to repeat it, and I don't want to lose her friendship either. Yet I'm very tempted to stand on one of my principles, that misunderstanding or misuse of statistics needs to be rectified when possible. Much of what was said made perfect sense, pending source-checking. But when I found an instance where the numbers just didn't add up and tried to point it out, we ended up shouting at each other. I think she was crying when we parted. For the rest of the night, I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. Actually, I still do a bit.
I know that I still want her as my friend. I also know that my one small math issue is unlikely to upset the nature of her argument (which I disagree with on the whole based on axioms that are different from hers). I know that she has asked me not to bring the subject up again, as she said good night to me. I know that I have to spend a minimum of two solid hours with her this Saturday again, though perhaps this time it won't be just the two of us. But I have a horrible tendency to worry around the edges of things, or to unconsciously steer conversation back to the topics that are on my mind. Our time together seems to be threatening to be unpleasant, with stilted conversation avoiding a broad range of topics, or even more unpleasant, with fighting and the likely destruction of our relationship.
The parallels with her other relationship are striking. Am I reading too much into it? Is it just co-incidence? Or is it possible that, as wonderful as she is, as intelligent and as well-adjusted, that he and I have both nearly simultaneously stumbled blindly into the same tender wound in her personality? Of course, I'm free, and theoretically able, to control this and just keep my big fat mouth shut, thus preventing the same consequences. But then I violate my principles of fighting ignorance and of "no sacred cows", both of which she truly shares. It's just that we both are ignorant on different sides of the same issue. I admit mine, and attempted to take issue with that part I did understand, with disastrous results. More importantly, is a friendship something more than a sacred cow, something worth sacrificing a principle for? When is it worth this?
I know that we were both stressed by other events, that some of our NRE (New Relationship Energy/Experience, a wonderful acronym that E~ explained to me) has worn off, and that I should have turned the air conditioning on in 85+ degree weather. I should have shut up more, and reminded her that she'd already asked to drop the topic when it came up again (though prior experience with others shows that's rarely productive either). Maybe this will turn out to be a posing molehill. I sure as hell hope so.
I need to describe background, but the way my mind works, if I don't get the thoughts that inspired me to write down, then they may self-vaporize. My dear and wonderful friend E~ is having a difficult time with a wonderful person who has chosen to end a long friendship with her. He says he is standing by his principles to "avoid being an accomplice". While E~ has not discussed the details with me, they are clearly found elsewhere in public information.
First of all, I fully support E~ in her decision on this issue. I think her (ex-)friend is pushing the concept on standing on principle too damn far. And yet, I feel like doing something very similar. This brings me to my dilemma.
After spending a great deal of time with E~ this weekend, we argued horribly for the last 20 minutes we spent together. It was very unpleasant, and I don't want to repeat it, and I don't want to lose her friendship either. Yet I'm very tempted to stand on one of my principles, that misunderstanding or misuse of statistics needs to be rectified when possible. Much of what was said made perfect sense, pending source-checking. But when I found an instance where the numbers just didn't add up and tried to point it out, we ended up shouting at each other. I think she was crying when we parted. For the rest of the night, I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. Actually, I still do a bit.
I know that I still want her as my friend. I also know that my one small math issue is unlikely to upset the nature of her argument (which I disagree with on the whole based on axioms that are different from hers). I know that she has asked me not to bring the subject up again, as she said good night to me. I know that I have to spend a minimum of two solid hours with her this Saturday again, though perhaps this time it won't be just the two of us. But I have a horrible tendency to worry around the edges of things, or to unconsciously steer conversation back to the topics that are on my mind. Our time together seems to be threatening to be unpleasant, with stilted conversation avoiding a broad range of topics, or even more unpleasant, with fighting and the likely destruction of our relationship.
The parallels with her other relationship are striking. Am I reading too much into it? Is it just co-incidence? Or is it possible that, as wonderful as she is, as intelligent and as well-adjusted, that he and I have both nearly simultaneously stumbled blindly into the same tender wound in her personality? Of course, I'm free, and theoretically able, to control this and just keep my big fat mouth shut, thus preventing the same consequences. But then I violate my principles of fighting ignorance and of "no sacred cows", both of which she truly shares. It's just that we both are ignorant on different sides of the same issue. I admit mine, and attempted to take issue with that part I did understand, with disastrous results. More importantly, is a friendship something more than a sacred cow, something worth sacrificing a principle for? When is it worth this?
I know that we were both stressed by other events, that some of our NRE (New Relationship Energy/Experience, a wonderful acronym that E~ explained to me) has worn off, and that I should have turned the air conditioning on in 85+ degree weather. I should have shut up more, and reminded her that she'd already asked to drop the topic when it came up again (though prior experience with others shows that's rarely productive either). Maybe this will turn out to be a posing molehill. I sure as hell hope so.