Random: A Sporking, part V
And now for something you didn't expect! A brand new part of this sporking that you all had probably forgotten about by now!
Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Long time no see! Let's dive right into this mess: The last time we saw our heroes Adrian left Davy with a promise of fun and games at dinner, while Will Marshal got dragged off to spend a bit of time in close confinement after having suffered through a severe caning only two days earlier.
Chapter 8
Of course, close confinement in the mind of Adrian, being the great, clever pirate that he is, means locking up our hero in a "storage locker". Because that always worked so well on The A-Team.
All that's left to find out now is whether Will is Face or Murdock. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Murdock here.
Oh, and apparently this storage locker has a little "vent" that the pirates left open, because why the hell not? Who closes off holes in a little used storage locker (whatever that is) on a wooden ship? Idiots! That's who!
Will eventually decides to put his boredom to good use and tidy up the place! Because when a bunch of rapey pirates lock you up and your back is still hurting from being beaten raw and bloody with a cane, what else are you going to do, but get on your hands and knees and do some spring cleaning?
While Will is working on neatly folding up scraps of sails and rigging he considers nabbing some of the stuff to use in a possible escape attempt: What was it David had said-that with a line, they might get their door unbarred? If he were here long enough, he might be able to braid one out of this stuff, or at least unravel a supply they could work on in the cell. He didn’t think he’d be searched when they took him back, and rope was always useful.
Of course they are not going to search the prisoner they locked into a storage closet with lots of nifty stuff lying around. These pirates learned nothing from MacGyver because TV hadn't been invented yet!
The book takes us back to HMS Calypso where Drinkwater has something interesting to tell (or, write rather. Seriously the Admiralty is going to have a ball with your log, dude) about the ransom letter he received last chapter. A reference to an earlier mission in the letter reminded Drinkwater that the captain had been investigating various substances that may write invisibly and yet be revealed when the paper is subjected to proper treatment, usually heat. Hoping that my surmise would prove correct, I conducted an experiment upon his letters with our cook’s flatiron.
I have so many questions. Mainly, why does your "cook" have a flatiron? Is that how pancakes are made?
Also, admittedly, the thought of Smith/Ned aka the least scientific-minded person of his time (apart from ship tuning) inventing invisible ink makes me smile.
I hope Adrian is happy now that he let Captain Smith write that ransom note all by himself. Really demonstrates how he got so good at this whole kidnapping business.
Anyway, Drinkwater finds the secret message his captain had intended for him to find, in which Smith describes at length what Adrian and his ship look like (no, not like chimpanzees. The letter is sadly devoid of cussing) and how he thinks Drinkwater will be able to find and rescue them. Captain Smith continues to be the best character.
Back on the Recluse Arch-er returns from dinner to an empty cell. To his surprise Adrian still hasn't tried to force him and he wonders about that: Does the son of a bitch think he could ever do anything that would make me want him? Does he think I’m going to forget what Will’s back looks like?
You're right, Will's backside is much more attractive. No one's going to want Adrian as long as that fine piece of ass is still around!
I'll spare you the rest of Archer's thoughts as it's just endless going back and forth on the very same points we already looked at last time: Will might not like him as much as he does, Arch-er is a self-deprecating woobie, everything is unfair, Arch-er discovered split ends on his pubic hair! We don't need two more whole pages of that.
Chapter 9
Meanwhile Will is still trapped in the storage locker. But while he has not yet managed to finish building an armoured car out of sail scraps and the couple of rats he's sewn together, he has found an adze!
Because the pirates locked him into a room with a weapon.
Well, part of a weapon. Because the adze is broken, but the part that Will has is the sharp part, so it still counts! Best pirates ever! Suspicious as he was of Adrian and his games, Marshall refused to believe that the tool had been deliberately left for him to find. The man was devious, not stupid;
…
I won't even comment! I really want to, but I won't.
A kind pirate eventually takes pity on Will and provides him with something to drink, asking him not to mention it to Adrian, because Adrian apparently expects his prisoners to survive days upon days locked in a hot, stuffy storage locker without food or water.
Well, you can't blame him for neglecting Will a bit. If you had a woobie to play with you'd forget about the slightly less pretty extras as well.
But seeing how this one pirate appears to possess a soul Will advises the guy to talk to Captain Smith and consider his offer. The pirate of course shuts the door on him immediately and retreats. The poor man can't even stand the thought of having to listen to one of Captain Smith's speeches again about what a beautiful flower the Royal Navy is.
Left to his own devices once more, Will begins to poke holes into the plot all by himself: First the water-but also the disarray of this storage area. A captain who was paying proper attention to the condition of his ship would not have tolerated this mess.
Please don't project the OCD-like obsession with clean decks of naval captains onto honest, hardworking pirates. It would, at least nominally, be an officer or bosun’s responsibility... and that was another odd thing: Adrian seemed to have no second-in-command, no one who would oversee the details that a captain shouldn’t be bothered with.
Adrian is all alone.
Seriously though, Will, that is because the only thing Adrian cares about is getting into his captives' pants. Who has time for ordering new personnel? Who has time?
The next part I am going to present to you in its entirety. We're moving the scene back to HMS Calypso: ~
Supplemental Log, HMS Calypso, in for repair, Portsmouth. Lt. Anthony Drinkwater, in temporary command. 22-7-1799
No further news.
~
Oh God why.
We cut to Arch-er eating dinner with Adrian (apart from uncomfortable conversation consisting mostly of suggestive one-liners nothing happens), and then the scene switches back to Calypso. Again, I am quoting the whole bit: ~
Supplemental Log, HMS Calypso, in for repair, Portsmouth. Lt. Anthony Drinkwater, in temporary command. 23-7-1799
No further news.
~
THE DINNER SCENE DIDN'T EVEN LAST A WHOLE PAGE! (A4 format) Why? Why are you doing this?
Meanwhile Will is feeling a bit detached in his locker, unstuck in time: Night and day, and now night again.
This is how I feel too, Will. This chapter has been nothing but filler so far.
He worries about rats (because of that one scene in The Duchess and the Devil. But since this is most definitely NOT Hornblower, and only quotes parts of the TV scripts word for word, the book can't actually say it) and considers taking down the door with half an adze. If he could do it. Far more likely he’d just attract the attention of whoever was guarding the door; he had no doubt someone was out there.
You have far more faith in these pirates than I do!
Will also thinks about Archie and find that the poor, sweet dumpling looked a bit too worried about him when the pirates dragged him away: If anything really hideous had been done to the other folk who’d been abducted, Captain Smith would surely have said something, or at least would have seemed more concerned. He had sounded more angry than worried.
True, but then high indignation is the captain's default emotion.
Chapter 10
Just like Will did earlier, Captain Smith encounters a friendly pirate who tells the captain that he's not to happy with how Adrian and the crew earn their money, since this pirate is actually an honest guy who ended up on the wrong side of the law by accident.
As you do.
One second you're plucking fawns and petting daisies and the next thing you know you're a pirate! Happens to me all the time ...
Apparently he signed on with Adrian because on his previous ship the purser accused him of a theft he did not commit (for some reason that is never explained. But then, it's a purser. Pursers are ALWAYS corrupt and the scum of the earth in age of sail fiction. No explanation necessary) and then our guy ??? fled? It doesn't say exactly, but he somehow came to leave that ship for fear of hanging (what did the purser claim this guy stole to warrant a hanging of all things? The captain's naval administrator trading cards? I hear Lord Spencer has some rad powers but is also super rare and hard to get) and believed Adrian could protect him from further impressment since as provider/merchant/dealer of gunpowder his crew is exempt from the wartime press.
Cool story. You're still a kidnapper.
Oh, yeah, about that: because selling gunpowder in wartime wasn't lucrative enough for him Adrian started his kidnapping business.
Personally I think Adrian is kind of an ass.
But back to our nameless innocent victim pirate with a conscience: “Cap’n, I’ve wanted out since the first time somebody got killed. [But I never did, because I guess I'm really kinda lazy and stuff.] A coachman, ‘e was, tryin’ to protect ‘is lady. Takin’ money from them’s got more’n they need, that’s one thing. Like Robin Hood, and the crew gets shares, same as with a prize ship. But this...” He shook his head. “Even Cap’n Adrian’s partner left a couple months back. Least, Cap’n said ‘e left. Disappeared one night when we were in port. ‘E might’ve left on ‘is own.”
But, his expression said, he might have gone over the side in the dead of night, with a weight at his feet.
Why, yes, thank you. We would've never figured that on our own. He might have gone to buy cigarettes and forgot where he lived.
The pirate reveals he is the same dude who brought water to Will - see, he really is a good guy after all! - and would very much like taking up Smith's offer of amnesty and a job on the Calypso. Alright, this guy really MUST be desperate if he considers rejoining the navy! (Don't tell Captain Smith I said that, I like my spleen where it is.)
We move back to Will and his little shed of wonders. The narration again fails to understand how ship's bells work and our guy is finally released from the storage locker: Well, it didn’t matter what time it was, if they were ready to let him out. “Just a moment,” he called.
“Hurry it up.[You've been in there for ages! Why does putting on eyeliner take so long?]”
Because our pirates are nice, polite pirates, instead of just getting in there and dragging him out by his toe nails, the friendly pirates wait for the hero outside, like good hotel staff should, giving Will enough time to stuff his pockets with useful tools for his escape plan. He checked to be sure the shard of broken adze was still rolled in an edge of his shirt, tucked tightly beneath waistcoat and breeches, and took a last drink from the nearly-empty water bucket before tipping it over behind a stack of sailcloth. Then, a bit wobbly, he made his way to the hatch.
Great! Now it's gonna get mouldy in there too!
Chapter 11
Captain's log, LJ Asthenia. Stardate 238-blorgh.
Lt. Drinkwater keeps informing us that there is "No further news" and I'm beginning to wonder whether he's doing it just to upset me.
To be fair, Drinkwater this time explains, why there is "no further news" … by telling us the news: No further news. Acting upon Captain Smith’s instruction to identify the ship that took on supplies the night of the abduction, we have been checking records. Unfortunately, many of the ships that sailed with the tide the morning of 17-7-99 had taken on provisions the night before. Even eliminating naval vessels, at least for the time being (a ship in active service sails under orders, and the presence of three captive officers on board could hardly be overlooked!)
Why would anyone reading a ship's log not know that?
Back in the cell Will shows Davy his tool. I mean the adze!
Will suggests they use it to chip away at the metal bar blocking their escape route through the port which sounds reasonable enough. He also suggests that they do this "at night" rather than by day where everyone would be busy at work on deck and where the sound of metal striking metal might have a greater chance of going unnoticed, because … hey, look! Behind you! A three-headed monkey!
Will wonders what Davy has been doing the last couple of days: “Adrian’s been having me up for dinner the nights you’ve been gone.” And for dessert afterwards.
And we're back to corny porn dialogue. Did you miss it as much as I did?
Will and Davy discuss their situation and what they intend to do once they've gotten rid of that impudent, fiendish little metal bar: “What I’m hoping to do first is go out very late and[, dunno, go see a movie, hang out with the guys, and maybe have a drink or two and then] scout around the deck [ - not on deck tough, just the area around it. Like the ocean and stuff. I like the ocean - ] if he had the whole crew on deck to watch him put us in our place, they don’t number more than 50-less than half the crew of a fighting ship. With half of them asleep, and at least four outside the cells guarding us and the Captain, there should not be many on deck in the late watches.
I'm not gonna touch that. I'm not gonna touch that. I'mnotgonnatouchthat. Damnit, alright … you know, book, that throwing around random numbers to dazzle the readers does not actually make these numbers any less bullshit just because they sound like something that maybe could be perhaps accurate? What's even worse: there's no need for Will to give that amount of detail. Why add something that's purely for flavour when it's something either ridiculously vague or simply not true? E. g. It's not even like "fighting ship" is a particularly restrictive term, especially considering the period this story is supposedly set in.
Davy relates to Will part of what he found out from Adrian about the previous kidnappings: he’s done this nine times before, usually taking one person, sometimes with a servant. I think this is the first time he’s caught three at once. You guessed right, too; it’s mainly been wives and older children, the youngest a boy of 14.” Another mental path he was not going to follow just now.
Because that's what this woobie romance novel has been missing: rape of children.
This scene naturally segues into the two of them discussing their families. As usual with Hornblower-fanon, Arch-er is the youngest son of a nobleman: “No. Mark is all right. He’s 12 years older than I. We’ve never been especially close, but he’ll be a good Earl. Very steady, down-to-earth, cares about the land. Ronald was born second-well, third, really, my eldest sister was second-but he acts like the lord of creation. [He owns a chain of restaurants now, where they serve beef in a bun.] And he has that nasty streak, too. I don’t think he’s ever forgiven my mother for producing Mark first. […]
Seven living. Mark, Mary, Ronald, Anne, Amelia, me, and Eugenie. The four eldest are married, now, and it gets a bit chaotic at holidays, with the nieces and nephews.”
Wait? Wasn't Davy the fourth son only a couple of chapters ago? I didn't know dead babies held a stronger claim on your family's lands and titles than you do. Your dad really mast hate you, Davy.
Or maybe Mary is actually a boy's name. Or one of them is transgender. Or no one actually bothered to proofread this thing.
Will doesn't have any family left since his father died recently. Which is also very Hornblower. So Davy invites him to come and take advantage of his family instead since he isn't using it right now: You know, Will, if we ever have shore leave in London, you should come home and meet my family.”
Of course they live in London! Because all British nobles live in London. Didn't you know?
I don't know what I expected from a historical romance, but this is all so fanficky! - well, even for a p2p fanfic!
Davy even suggests Marshall should marry one of his sisters: Marshall’s eyebrows flew up, and Archer laughed again. “Honestly, Will, after some of the characters I dragged in from my undesirable haunts, I’m sure he would be delighted.”
Especially the anime characters with the yaoi hands?
It appears Will doesn't quite know how to feel about that: Will had the strangest expression on his face, as though the idea of anyone being pleased to meet him was beyond the realm of possibility.
Or maybe he just farted.
Davy believes that Will is eventually going to become an admiral: “The Captain joined at 12 and it was 23 years before he had his own ship.” Marshall shook his head. “If it took him that long... I’ll be happy if I make Captain by 40.”
“It won’t take that long,” Archer said. “Not if the war lasts, and peace doesn’t look to be breaking out anytime soon.”
Yeah, who hasn't heard about peace suddenly "breaking out" at the weirdest of times?
Davy does not believe his own prospects look anywhere near that rosy, especially as having been kidnapped has made him miss another chance to take his examination for lieutenant. Kidnappings and rape threats are just so damn inconvenient!
Will goes to sleep, having been awake for nearly 70 hours, and with the only character who gives his existence meaning unavailable for chat Davy's mind drifts off into a sea of purply prose: But those memories seemed too far away now, part of a world that was no longer his. The one image that he could call up clearly was of the time he had first climbed to the main topgallant yard to find out whether he could really see all the way across the Channel. The sun was so bright, the sea a blanket of diamonds, the wind singing, and the heady sensation of freedom stronger than any drink.
He had tried to explain that in a letter to his worried sister, when Amelia had expressed dismay at the size of the living quarters aboard Calypso. What difference did it make if you slept in a berth two feet by six? Cramped quarters didn’t matter if you were only in them when you slept. Up on deck you had the whole world, farther than the eye could see. And 100 feet above that, up in the rigging, the only one with a better view was God Himself.
Please leave god out of this. I can't imagine he wants any part of this!
Davy eventually falls asleep himself and is awoken by Will who informs him that Adrian requires his presence at dinner. Oh boy! We better save that one for next time.
Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Long time no see! Let's dive right into this mess: The last time we saw our heroes Adrian left Davy with a promise of fun and games at dinner, while Will Marshal got dragged off to spend a bit of time in close confinement after having suffered through a severe caning only two days earlier.
Chapter 8
Of course, close confinement in the mind of Adrian, being the great, clever pirate that he is, means locking up our hero in a "storage locker". Because that always worked so well on The A-Team.
All that's left to find out now is whether Will is Face or Murdock. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Murdock here.
Oh, and apparently this storage locker has a little "vent" that the pirates left open, because why the hell not? Who closes off holes in a little used storage locker (whatever that is) on a wooden ship? Idiots! That's who!
Will eventually decides to put his boredom to good use and tidy up the place! Because when a bunch of rapey pirates lock you up and your back is still hurting from being beaten raw and bloody with a cane, what else are you going to do, but get on your hands and knees and do some spring cleaning?
While Will is working on neatly folding up scraps of sails and rigging he considers nabbing some of the stuff to use in a possible escape attempt: What was it David had said-that with a line, they might get their door unbarred? If he were here long enough, he might be able to braid one out of this stuff, or at least unravel a supply they could work on in the cell. He didn’t think he’d be searched when they took him back, and rope was always useful.
Of course they are not going to search the prisoner they locked into a storage closet with lots of nifty stuff lying around. These pirates learned nothing from MacGyver because TV hadn't been invented yet!
The book takes us back to HMS Calypso where Drinkwater has something interesting to tell (or, write rather. Seriously the Admiralty is going to have a ball with your log, dude) about the ransom letter he received last chapter. A reference to an earlier mission in the letter reminded Drinkwater that the captain had been investigating various substances that may write invisibly and yet be revealed when the paper is subjected to proper treatment, usually heat. Hoping that my surmise would prove correct, I conducted an experiment upon his letters with our cook’s flatiron.
I have so many questions. Mainly, why does your "cook" have a flatiron? Is that how pancakes are made?
Also, admittedly, the thought of Smith/Ned aka the least scientific-minded person of his time (apart from ship tuning) inventing invisible ink makes me smile.
I hope Adrian is happy now that he let Captain Smith write that ransom note all by himself. Really demonstrates how he got so good at this whole kidnapping business.
Anyway, Drinkwater finds the secret message his captain had intended for him to find, in which Smith describes at length what Adrian and his ship look like (no, not like chimpanzees. The letter is sadly devoid of cussing) and how he thinks Drinkwater will be able to find and rescue them. Captain Smith continues to be the best character.
Back on the Recluse Arch-er returns from dinner to an empty cell. To his surprise Adrian still hasn't tried to force him and he wonders about that: Does the son of a bitch think he could ever do anything that would make me want him? Does he think I’m going to forget what Will’s back looks like?
You're right, Will's backside is much more attractive. No one's going to want Adrian as long as that fine piece of ass is still around!
I'll spare you the rest of Archer's thoughts as it's just endless going back and forth on the very same points we already looked at last time: Will might not like him as much as he does, Arch-er is a self-deprecating woobie, everything is unfair, Arch-er discovered split ends on his pubic hair! We don't need two more whole pages of that.
Chapter 9
Meanwhile Will is still trapped in the storage locker. But while he has not yet managed to finish building an armoured car out of sail scraps and the couple of rats he's sewn together, he has found an adze!
Because the pirates locked him into a room with a weapon.
Well, part of a weapon. Because the adze is broken, but the part that Will has is the sharp part, so it still counts! Best pirates ever! Suspicious as he was of Adrian and his games, Marshall refused to believe that the tool had been deliberately left for him to find. The man was devious, not stupid;
…
I won't even comment! I really want to, but I won't.
A kind pirate eventually takes pity on Will and provides him with something to drink, asking him not to mention it to Adrian, because Adrian apparently expects his prisoners to survive days upon days locked in a hot, stuffy storage locker without food or water.
Well, you can't blame him for neglecting Will a bit. If you had a woobie to play with you'd forget about the slightly less pretty extras as well.
But seeing how this one pirate appears to possess a soul Will advises the guy to talk to Captain Smith and consider his offer. The pirate of course shuts the door on him immediately and retreats. The poor man can't even stand the thought of having to listen to one of Captain Smith's speeches again about what a beautiful flower the Royal Navy is.
Left to his own devices once more, Will begins to poke holes into the plot all by himself: First the water-but also the disarray of this storage area. A captain who was paying proper attention to the condition of his ship would not have tolerated this mess.
Please don't project the OCD-like obsession with clean decks of naval captains onto honest, hardworking pirates. It would, at least nominally, be an officer or bosun’s responsibility... and that was another odd thing: Adrian seemed to have no second-in-command, no one who would oversee the details that a captain shouldn’t be bothered with.
Adrian is all alone.
Seriously though, Will, that is because the only thing Adrian cares about is getting into his captives' pants. Who has time for ordering new personnel? Who has time?
The next part I am going to present to you in its entirety. We're moving the scene back to HMS Calypso: ~
Supplemental Log, HMS Calypso, in for repair, Portsmouth. Lt. Anthony Drinkwater, in temporary command. 22-7-1799
No further news.
~
Oh God why.
We cut to Arch-er eating dinner with Adrian (apart from uncomfortable conversation consisting mostly of suggestive one-liners nothing happens), and then the scene switches back to Calypso. Again, I am quoting the whole bit: ~
Supplemental Log, HMS Calypso, in for repair, Portsmouth. Lt. Anthony Drinkwater, in temporary command. 23-7-1799
No further news.
~
THE DINNER SCENE DIDN'T EVEN LAST A WHOLE PAGE! (A4 format) Why? Why are you doing this?
Meanwhile Will is feeling a bit detached in his locker, unstuck in time: Night and day, and now night again.
This is how I feel too, Will. This chapter has been nothing but filler so far.
He worries about rats (because of that one scene in The Duchess and the Devil. But since this is most definitely NOT Hornblower, and only quotes parts of the TV scripts word for word, the book can't actually say it) and considers taking down the door with half an adze. If he could do it. Far more likely he’d just attract the attention of whoever was guarding the door; he had no doubt someone was out there.
You have far more faith in these pirates than I do!
Will also thinks about Archie and find that the poor, sweet dumpling looked a bit too worried about him when the pirates dragged him away: If anything really hideous had been done to the other folk who’d been abducted, Captain Smith would surely have said something, or at least would have seemed more concerned. He had sounded more angry than worried.
True, but then high indignation is the captain's default emotion.
Chapter 10
Just like Will did earlier, Captain Smith encounters a friendly pirate who tells the captain that he's not to happy with how Adrian and the crew earn their money, since this pirate is actually an honest guy who ended up on the wrong side of the law by accident.
As you do.
One second you're plucking fawns and petting daisies and the next thing you know you're a pirate! Happens to me all the time ...
Apparently he signed on with Adrian because on his previous ship the purser accused him of a theft he did not commit (for some reason that is never explained. But then, it's a purser. Pursers are ALWAYS corrupt and the scum of the earth in age of sail fiction. No explanation necessary) and then our guy ??? fled? It doesn't say exactly, but he somehow came to leave that ship for fear of hanging (what did the purser claim this guy stole to warrant a hanging of all things? The captain's naval administrator trading cards? I hear Lord Spencer has some rad powers but is also super rare and hard to get) and believed Adrian could protect him from further impressment since as provider/merchant/dealer of gunpowder his crew is exempt from the wartime press.
Cool story. You're still a kidnapper.
Oh, yeah, about that: because selling gunpowder in wartime wasn't lucrative enough for him Adrian started his kidnapping business.
Personally I think Adrian is kind of an ass.
But back to our nameless innocent victim pirate with a conscience: “Cap’n, I’ve wanted out since the first time somebody got killed. [But I never did, because I guess I'm really kinda lazy and stuff.] A coachman, ‘e was, tryin’ to protect ‘is lady. Takin’ money from them’s got more’n they need, that’s one thing. Like Robin Hood, and the crew gets shares, same as with a prize ship. But this...” He shook his head. “Even Cap’n Adrian’s partner left a couple months back. Least, Cap’n said ‘e left. Disappeared one night when we were in port. ‘E might’ve left on ‘is own.”
But, his expression said, he might have gone over the side in the dead of night, with a weight at his feet.
Why, yes, thank you. We would've never figured that on our own. He might have gone to buy cigarettes and forgot where he lived.
The pirate reveals he is the same dude who brought water to Will - see, he really is a good guy after all! - and would very much like taking up Smith's offer of amnesty and a job on the Calypso. Alright, this guy really MUST be desperate if he considers rejoining the navy! (Don't tell Captain Smith I said that, I like my spleen where it is.)
We move back to Will and his little shed of wonders. The narration again fails to understand how ship's bells work and our guy is finally released from the storage locker: Well, it didn’t matter what time it was, if they were ready to let him out. “Just a moment,” he called.
“Hurry it up.[You've been in there for ages! Why does putting on eyeliner take so long?]”
Because our pirates are nice, polite pirates, instead of just getting in there and dragging him out by his toe nails, the friendly pirates wait for the hero outside, like good hotel staff should, giving Will enough time to stuff his pockets with useful tools for his escape plan. He checked to be sure the shard of broken adze was still rolled in an edge of his shirt, tucked tightly beneath waistcoat and breeches, and took a last drink from the nearly-empty water bucket before tipping it over behind a stack of sailcloth. Then, a bit wobbly, he made his way to the hatch.
Great! Now it's gonna get mouldy in there too!
Chapter 11
Captain's log, LJ Asthenia. Stardate 238-blorgh.
Lt. Drinkwater keeps informing us that there is "No further news" and I'm beginning to wonder whether he's doing it just to upset me.
To be fair, Drinkwater this time explains, why there is "no further news" … by telling us the news: No further news. Acting upon Captain Smith’s instruction to identify the ship that took on supplies the night of the abduction, we have been checking records. Unfortunately, many of the ships that sailed with the tide the morning of 17-7-99 had taken on provisions the night before. Even eliminating naval vessels, at least for the time being (a ship in active service sails under orders, and the presence of three captive officers on board could hardly be overlooked!)
Why would anyone reading a ship's log not know that?
Back in the cell Will shows Davy his tool. I mean the adze!
Will suggests they use it to chip away at the metal bar blocking their escape route through the port which sounds reasonable enough. He also suggests that they do this "at night" rather than by day where everyone would be busy at work on deck and where the sound of metal striking metal might have a greater chance of going unnoticed, because … hey, look! Behind you! A three-headed monkey!
Will wonders what Davy has been doing the last couple of days: “Adrian’s been having me up for dinner the nights you’ve been gone.” And for dessert afterwards.
And we're back to corny porn dialogue. Did you miss it as much as I did?
Will and Davy discuss their situation and what they intend to do once they've gotten rid of that impudent, fiendish little metal bar: “What I’m hoping to do first is go out very late and[, dunno, go see a movie, hang out with the guys, and maybe have a drink or two and then] scout around the deck [ - not on deck tough, just the area around it. Like the ocean and stuff. I like the ocean - ] if he had the whole crew on deck to watch him put us in our place, they don’t number more than 50-less than half the crew of a fighting ship. With half of them asleep, and at least four outside the cells guarding us and the Captain, there should not be many on deck in the late watches.
I'm not gonna touch that. I'm not gonna touch that. I'mnotgonnatouchthat. Damnit, alright … you know, book, that throwing around random numbers to dazzle the readers does not actually make these numbers any less bullshit just because they sound like something that maybe could be perhaps accurate? What's even worse: there's no need for Will to give that amount of detail. Why add something that's purely for flavour when it's something either ridiculously vague or simply not true? E. g. It's not even like "fighting ship" is a particularly restrictive term, especially considering the period this story is supposedly set in.
Davy relates to Will part of what he found out from Adrian about the previous kidnappings: he’s done this nine times before, usually taking one person, sometimes with a servant. I think this is the first time he’s caught three at once. You guessed right, too; it’s mainly been wives and older children, the youngest a boy of 14.” Another mental path he was not going to follow just now.
Because that's what this woobie romance novel has been missing: rape of children.
This scene naturally segues into the two of them discussing their families. As usual with Hornblower-fanon, Arch-er is the youngest son of a nobleman: “No. Mark is all right. He’s 12 years older than I. We’ve never been especially close, but he’ll be a good Earl. Very steady, down-to-earth, cares about the land. Ronald was born second-well, third, really, my eldest sister was second-but he acts like the lord of creation. [He owns a chain of restaurants now, where they serve beef in a bun.] And he has that nasty streak, too. I don’t think he’s ever forgiven my mother for producing Mark first. […]
Seven living. Mark, Mary, Ronald, Anne, Amelia, me, and Eugenie. The four eldest are married, now, and it gets a bit chaotic at holidays, with the nieces and nephews.”
Wait? Wasn't Davy the fourth son only a couple of chapters ago? I didn't know dead babies held a stronger claim on your family's lands and titles than you do. Your dad really mast hate you, Davy.
Or maybe Mary is actually a boy's name. Or one of them is transgender. Or no one actually bothered to proofread this thing.
Will doesn't have any family left since his father died recently. Which is also very Hornblower. So Davy invites him to come and take advantage of his family instead since he isn't using it right now: You know, Will, if we ever have shore leave in London, you should come home and meet my family.”
Of course they live in London! Because all British nobles live in London. Didn't you know?
I don't know what I expected from a historical romance, but this is all so fanficky! - well, even for a p2p fanfic!
Davy even suggests Marshall should marry one of his sisters: Marshall’s eyebrows flew up, and Archer laughed again. “Honestly, Will, after some of the characters I dragged in from my undesirable haunts, I’m sure he would be delighted.”
Especially the anime characters with the yaoi hands?
It appears Will doesn't quite know how to feel about that: Will had the strangest expression on his face, as though the idea of anyone being pleased to meet him was beyond the realm of possibility.
Or maybe he just farted.
Davy believes that Will is eventually going to become an admiral: “The Captain joined at 12 and it was 23 years before he had his own ship.” Marshall shook his head. “If it took him that long... I’ll be happy if I make Captain by 40.”
“It won’t take that long,” Archer said. “Not if the war lasts, and peace doesn’t look to be breaking out anytime soon.”
Yeah, who hasn't heard about peace suddenly "breaking out" at the weirdest of times?
Davy does not believe his own prospects look anywhere near that rosy, especially as having been kidnapped has made him miss another chance to take his examination for lieutenant. Kidnappings and rape threats are just so damn inconvenient!
Will goes to sleep, having been awake for nearly 70 hours, and with the only character who gives his existence meaning unavailable for chat Davy's mind drifts off into a sea of purply prose: But those memories seemed too far away now, part of a world that was no longer his. The one image that he could call up clearly was of the time he had first climbed to the main topgallant yard to find out whether he could really see all the way across the Channel. The sun was so bright, the sea a blanket of diamonds, the wind singing, and the heady sensation of freedom stronger than any drink.
He had tried to explain that in a letter to his worried sister, when Amelia had expressed dismay at the size of the living quarters aboard Calypso. What difference did it make if you slept in a berth two feet by six? Cramped quarters didn’t matter if you were only in them when you slept. Up on deck you had the whole world, farther than the eye could see. And 100 feet above that, up in the rigging, the only one with a better view was God Himself.
Please leave god out of this. I can't imagine he wants any part of this!
Davy eventually falls asleep himself and is awoken by Will who informs him that Adrian requires his presence at dinner. Oh boy! We better save that one for next time.