The Musketeers: Pilot script
So I finished reading the last volume of The Vicomte de Bragelonne. I thought I was ready for all the sad.
Gotta hand it to Dumas though (or well, to his staff of ghost writers. Or his writer sweatshop. Whoever truly wrote the thing), he knows how to kill off characters in the right ways to inflict maximum hurt. XD I'm not still crying. I only got something in my eye. And my other eye. And in my heart!
So to cheer myself up I had a look at the original script for the The Musketeers pilot episode that has been making the rounds (someone linked to it over on bbc_musketeers). And wow, did it cheer me up! (I'm so glad we got the episode we got instead XD)
We open our adventure somewhere in Gascony, encountering a group of five men in musketeer uniforms. Leading them is ATHOS (30s), a handsome man of striking aristocratic features. We know a hero when we see one, but we also might sense a hidden melancholy he is too proud to show to the world at large.
Sounds legit!
We all know the only one who has a more heroic face than Athos is Grumpy Cat.
We are also shocked to learn that Cornet actually had a speaking role in the original script albeit briefly (that is after we finish laughing about the fact that he's actually called "Cornet"). Not only that, he also had a "look around shiftily"- role in said script too! So I believe we shouldn't complain too loudly that they got rid of both of them for him. Anyway, Athos parts from the group for the "road is safe enough from here", but mainly for pretty flimsy plot reasons.
Something is wrong here. But what?
I can tell you what's wrong here, the d'Artagnans moved house between scripts: CUT TO:
2
EXT. D’ARTAGNAN FARM. MEUNG. GASCONY DAY.
Wonder why they did that. Probably because I don't think there is a Meung in Gascony? There is, however, a town called Condom (it is absolutely necessary that you know this).
Anyway d'Artagnan Sr. is entertaining guests in his farmhouse and complaining about what a weak loser the king is when FOUR MASKED
MUSKETEERS burst in. Their uniforms are identical to those we saw on the men on the road. We can still see the dust and dirt on them. The soldiers’ leader steps forward. We assume it is Cornet. (It is actually GAUDET - for the sake of the drama both actors should be of similar look and build).
Aaaah, the farm is being invaded by spoilers!
Lucky for them that everyone in the world wears standard size, tight-fitting leather uniforms.
Anyway, they demand to speak to Alexandre d'Artagnan and this happens: GAUDET
Didn’t you write to the King, calling his ministers criminals and his tax collectors parasites?
ALEXANDRE
I did. And I would say it again to his face.
GAUDET
No need. Here is the King’s answer.
He plunges his sword into Alexandre’s stomach.
Even the absolute secondary characters in this are glib as hell!
I must say, I actually like this bit better than the version we actually got to see on telly. Because in this scenerio it seems slightly more plausible that the witnesses would believe Gaudet introducing himself as a musketeer. Only slightly though. Because you still shouldn't go around claiming you're assassinating people in the name of the king stating your full name and profession.
So now that we've established that this plot makes sense in neither version of the script we can get back to our musketeers: OPEN on the streets of seventeenth century Paris. We follow ATHOS as he hurries through the bustling crowd. We see a caption on screen OVER: PARIS 1625.
There is no ice-punching in this version, and no BUCKET! DD: (Noooo, bucket is my favourite character!). Which means it is infinitely inferior to the version that was aired. (The date given in the actual episode is 1630 btw. Which is a good thing, otherwise a certain episode referring to stuff that happened five years ago would have been silly. Sillier. I mean.)
Bucket. ♥
We move directly to the duel between Porthos and Dujon. Only Porthos doesn't have a fork and there is no duel at all: The two men circle each other. It looks like we’re in for a really classic duel...
... And then Athos simply picks up a chair and crashes it over Dujon’s head. He collapses like a demolished chimney stack. There is a startled silence.
PORTHOS
What happened to the strict code of honour and chivalry?
ATHOS
Who has time?
Boo! I prefer the version that aired. Complete with fork.
Btw, speaking of Porthos: One of the men at the table is PORTHOS. In his early 30s, he is a brutal street fighter with raw good looks. He is of mixed race, calm and composed but intensely aware of any movement around him.
If by "raw good looks" you mean smoking hot, yet oddly cuddly your casting department did an excellent job.
This scene is also the one in which we encounter d'Artagnan for the first time: He is in his 20s, attractive, with an athletic build. He finishes his drink then turns quietly to follow the Musketeers. His name is D’ARTAGNAN.
Thought I'd include all of these.
We move on to Aramis and here's the part of the script that everyone knows from tumblr: Aramis is in his late 20s. All our key Musketeers are attractive but Aramis is the one who makes women - and men, probably - stop in their tracks. Frankly, he’s sexy and he knows it.
Yeah, apart from Santiago Cabrera having left his late 20's behind him a while ago: GOOD JOB, casting department!
The scene between Aramis and Adele is another one that I'm glad they changed. Really, really glad. Because when the Cardinal shows up in this script she aks Aramis to rip her bodice and hit her before he makes his escape to make it look like he was an intruder who assaulted her. Um. No, thank you!
Enter Richelieu: He is in his 40s, elegantly dressed, with only the heavy gold cross around his neck to indicate his position within the rap industry church hierarchy. A good-looking and outwardly affable man, he has an intimidating aura of power.
Actually, I don't believe you when you say that Peter Capaldi is forty!
Anyway, let's move on to happier things: INT. PARIS. MUSKETEER’S GARRISON/TREVILLE’S HOTEL. DAY.
12
As ATHOS, PORTHOS and ARAMIS enter the regiment’s headquarters they walk past their fellow Musketeers, bare-chested, shirts open, hair flying, fencing in mock duels or tangling in rowdy bare-knuckle boxing matches. It is an intensely masculine world, dripping with sweat and testosterone.
It is also the reason why smell-o-vision will never take on.
Shame we didn't get the visual in the actual episode though, I always liked that bit in the book. Possibly cut it because they didn't have enough bare-chested extras around.
MORE character sketches: Captain of the Musketeers, Treville is a battle-scarred veteran of countless campaigns, and also a self-taught thinker and philosopher. His room is covered in books, maps and scientific instruments. Now in his 50s, his strength and charisma remain undimmed.
I'll be forever miffed that Treville the office isn't anyway near as slutty messy as this implies. Because that would be great. I'm also miffed that we didn't get to see any of that self-taught thinker side of his (think what this could mean for his relationship to Porthos)... or well, more in general (series 2 needs more Treville AND A FREAKING MESSY OFFICE, please, is all I'm saying). Also show!Treville isn't quite 50 yet, poor thing. Perhaps he'll get sluttier with age.
(Aoife, I have something for that texts-blog)
The good thing is though, Porthos gained a couple of IQ-points during the re-write: TREVILLE
I’ve had complaints. Allegations you’ve been duelling with the Cardinal’s Red Guards. For money.
Is it true?
ATHOS
That would be illegal.
His expression is deadpan. The others look equally bland.
TREVILLE
Two of his men were wounded.
PORTHOS
Wounded? We barely scratched them.
The others sigh. He grimaces. Treville gives them a dry look.
Anyway the scene in the office is much unchanged from what we've seen except for TREVILLE
Make enquiries. Be discreet.
He tosses a pile of papers from his chair and sits down.
TREVILLE
These duels you didn’t fight. How much money didn’t you make?
ATHOS
Not 20 livres.
Treville holds out his hand. Athos digs into his pocket, finds a gold coin and puts it in Treville’s hand. He clicks his fingers and Athos resignedly adds two more.
I want that messy office. The visual amuses me beyond words ... (Also in this script Treville calls the guys "boys". I'm glad they changed that. I would have died of cute.)
And apparently everybody was a lot cattier in the original script: D’ARTAGNAN talks to the LANDLADY, an old woman of sour disposition.
LANDLADY
Five Sous for the bed, three if you share. Any lice or crabs?
D’ARTAGNAN
Are you asking or offering?
Milady's scenes are pretty much as we see them on the show: d'Artagnan sasses her companion, they do it, he promises to kill her ex, she frames him for murder etc. But here's her character description as well: his female companion is simply ravishing, with a regal beauty that quickens the pulse and numbs the senses. This is MILADY.
Oh, and according to a later line she was going to be blonde, like in the book! (just noticing, not criticising. I wouldn't want to swap Maimie McCoy for anybody else because I prefer brunettes).
And now for the deepest, most insightful character sketch ever ... are you prepared? Here we go: D’ARTAGNAN rounds the corner and sees a woman at a market stall. Her name is CONSTANCE BONACIEUX. She is very pretty, dark-haired and in her mid-20s.
Woah, I'm blown away by such insight!
Constance/Tamla Kari is gorgeous though, so there's that... she's also super-violent: A second later the outraged Constance frees herself and stabs d’Artagnan in the hand with a small pen knife.
Ouch! And then d'Artagnan was crippled in the hand and the show came to a premature end because his sword-fighting days were over. No wonder this was changed into her kneeing him in the groin instead. XD
And here's a little more awkward humour that got cut:CONSTANCE
(Despite herself)
Are you all right?
D’ARTAGNAN
Do you know what fainting feels like?
CONSTANCE
A sort of woozy feeling, mild sickness and then loss of
consciousness.
D’ARTAGNAN
Ah. That would explain it.
His eyelids flutter and he slides to the ground with a thump, out cold. Constance stares at him.
CONSTANCE
Walk away, Constance. Just walk away...
(we also learn that Constance has "three older brothers" who must have died between this script and the re-writes.)
We then turn to Athos' rooms for no narrative reason whatsoever and are treated to the vision of Milady being executed that we actually got to see in episode 3 (Good decision to switch that around. The mansion in ep3 was a much more natural place for it than Athos randomly staring at a white gown)!
Meanwhile at the palace: KING LOUIS XIII holding a crossbow and surrounded by applauding COURTIERS. LOUIS is in his mid-20s, good-looking but weak-willed, lazy but not a fool.
And this is where the episode enters "everybody is hella creepy"-land! What fun! LOUIS
There. Could any of your Musketeers do better?
Treville tries to answer politely but leaves too long a pause. The king gives him a wry look.
LOUIS
You should try flattery sometime, Treville. It plays very well around here.
He indicates his fawning COURTIERS with scorn.
LOUIS
I could shoot any one of them now and they’d say the wound was no worse than a wasp sting.
He loads an arrow in his bow and turns it on the crowd, who scatter in alarm. He smiles gleefully, enjoying their reaction
Hey there, King Joffrey! LOUIS
You have disappointed me, Treville.
And King Louis doesn’t like disappointment.
It makes him very unhappy.
Run, Treville! RUN! He is going to Hulk out!
The fake musketeers do some robbing and murdering, as they are wont to do, and we get to meet Bonacieux, the other inhabitant of "way more creepy than on the show"-town: He is 20 years older than her, not handsome but dignified and rather stiff. He is also jealously in love with his much younger wife.
He is not happy that Constance brought a hot, young d'Artagnan into their home: CONSTANCE
I am your faithful wife. You have no cause to attack my honour.
Bonacieux stares at her angrily then abruptly his mood changes and he sighs in apology.
BONACIEUX
You’re right my love. Forgive me. I am a foolish and jealous man.
He kisses her briefly on the forehead.
BONACIEUX
It’s just I can’t stand the thought of another man touching you. You understand?
He smiles. We see Constance’s very mixed reactions to his mildly threatening possessiveness.
Bonacieux introduces himself to d'Artagnan as a Merchant in high quality ladies undergarments. Perhaps you’ve heard of me?
Considering he's established on the show to be doing business with Treville and later the cardinal, I am side-eyeing both of them so hard right now.
Let's ... let's get back to crazy!Louis, instead, yeah? CARDINAL
Your Majesty’s judgement is
infallible. It is those who serve you who make mistakes.
LOUIS
True. But being King Louis is very lonely sometimes.
CARDINAL
I am always by your side.
Ah, that's better!
to be fair, Louis does respond with this: LOUIS
Oh, yes. Every since I was a little boy, there you were, guiding me, telling me what to do, steering the great ship of State while I lounged on the deck.
He looks resentful but the Cardinal only smiles politely.
But then they ruin everything by this particular exchange: CARDINAL
I am deeply honoured. (Pause) Will Your Majesty be attending on the Queen tonight?
LOUIS
(Furious)
Good God, are you coming into the bedroom with me now? Some things are private, even to you.
CARDINAL
The succession is not a private matter. France needs an heir.
LOUIS
All right! I’ll sleep with her.
Come and watch if you like!
DDD:
He continues to say that Anne is "just like mother. And who wants to be reminded of their mother in bed?" Yikes! Especially a mother wo tries to have you overthrown or killed, am I right?
Richelieu and Adele share a scene in which she notices Aramis forgot his pistol. To distract the cardinal she psycho-analyses Richelieu who complains about the musketeers beeing smelly barstards. She concludes that ADELE
Is that why you hate them? Because they are beyond your control?
CARDINAL
Nothing is beyond my control.
(just posting because I fully accept his control issues as my head-canon. ;) )
Constance bandages d'Artagnan who hurt himself in his fall: He leans forward and kisses her, softly this time. She is too surprised to resist or perhaps she simply doesn’t want to; finally she pushes him away gently. He smiles.
D’ARTAGNAN
Our relationship is improving. You didn’t stab me this time.
He goes to the door. She doesn’t move.
D’ARTAGNAN
At least if I die I’ll take the memory of your lips to the grave.
You read too many flowery Dumas novels, sir! You barely know each other! (I prefer how the show actually developed their relationship before it had them kiss in earnest. Yeah, I get that this is a pilot script and they're trying to showcase as much as they can of their plans, but yikes! Then again, d'Artagnan also had sex with Milady first chance he got. After she threatened him with a pistol. Guess he's just really horny all the time.)
D'Artagnan heads over to the garrison to challenge Athos, where Athos is worried about Cornet having disappeared: I should have seen him safely to Bayonne.
Oh no, but you assured them the road was safe! So you could leave without any meaningful reason. So that the plot can later turn out as it does. Because this show gave up on logic before it was even a twinkle in Mr Hodges' eye!
D’ARTAGNAN
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t shoot you where you stand.
ATHOS
Because I have no idea who you are?
Remember how everyone is full of sass in this script? Even more so than on the actual show?
Additionally, during the duel Gascony is insulted frequently: D’ARTAGNAN
Do you deny you killed Alexandre d’Artagnan, of Meung in Gascony?
PORTHOS
Gascony? Why’s everything happening in Gascony all of a sudden?
ARAMIS
I’ve been to Gascony. Nothing ever happens.
And PORTHOS
He’s pretty good.
ARAMIS
Considering he’s from Gascony.
Don't let the captain hear you!
Anyway, the script points out how physically "intense" they are and how much they sweat during the fight scene. Because it also focuses on how pretty and handsomce and beautiful everyone is, it's not like we don't know this show's for all kinds of pervs !
Constance showing up and Athos getting arrested is pretty much like on the show. But then comes the trial, and Richelieu starts off by warning the kids about the dangers of gang-life and drugs and duels: There is nothing trivial about duelling. It is gang violence by another name, street warfare that leaves too many of our best young men dead or wounded every year.
Yeah, which is why everyone caught duelling faced a death-sentence...
Anyway, here's where the scene from the very beginning proves it's flimsy connection to the plot: CARDINAL
(To Athos)
Where were you on this day one week ago?
ATHOS
(Pause)
In Gascony.
There are cries of shock and a buzz of conversation.
CARDINAL
What were you doing there?
Athos looks at Treville, who shakes his head minutely.
ATHOS
I’m not at liberty to say.
CARDINAL
You refuse to answer?
ATHOS
I cannot.
It's almost like this version of the script has more to offer to condemn Athos than the reports of those poor, stupid witnesses who don't question why a man who goes to the trouble of masking his face would introduce himself by his name. :p It is a lot more dramatic! Also, poor Treville, he keeps losing musketeers, because Louis gives shitty orders: LOUIS
Your man must say nothing of his true purpose in Gascony.
TREVILLE
But how can he defend himself?
LOUIS
King Louis’s good name is at stake!
If Athos must die to preserve it, then so be it.
I am so glad the episode that aired did not have Louis referring to himself in the third person. Combined with some of his personality traits displayed already in this script it would have been too unsettling! XD
For their investigations to prove Athos' innocence Porthos and Athos go to pick up d'Artagnan, who once again is shirtless in the presence of Constance for, uh, reasons. I'm sure they're excellent reasons. Meanwhile Richelieu explains his evil plot to Milady and asks her to find out who his mistress is cheating on him with. Much like on the show. Well, almost, there's this additional line: CARDINAL
I have been the King’s trusted advisor since he was barely more than a child. Now he wants to try politics for himself, free of my influence.
He pauses and looks up at her.
CARDINAL
It seems I have to remind him that all government is about compromise.
He will be King and I will rule.
He then twirled his mustache and broke out into a frightening cackle.
Aramis, Porthos and d'Artagnan finding the bodies is slightly different. Mainly there is a dramatic flashback of a tree getting shot:
D’ARTAGNAN
Wait!
He dismounts and walks to a nearby tree. A low branch hangs limply where it has been shattered. Aramis looks at it.
CUT IN:
A pistol fires in SLOW MOTION. We see the charge explode and the ball spinning from the barrel. It whistles through the air and crashes into the tree branch, sending sap exploding...
Yeah, that was clearly necessary and should have stayed in. That poor tree! Did it leave a family? Will litte Susie Poplar and Elder Billy be alright?
The actual finding of the bodies is much darker than on the show: Three bodies have been uncovered. All of them are in their underclothes, with their hands tied behind their backs. There is dried blood on their faces. PORTHOS gazes down at them, seething with anger and disgust.
PORTHOS
All of them tied up and shot in the head. It was an execution.
Yeeeah, I'm not sad they changed it. But I guess that's partly what Hodges meant about them having had to re-write stuff for a more family friendly time-slot?
Anyway in this version they notice that Cornet's body is missing and find out he met with Dujon (the guy Porthos almost had the fork duel with. His name kinda sounds like a type of mustard). So they pay him a visit, just like on the show. Only they don't pretend to shoot him, but pretend to hang him instead. What I said about Hodges and the re-writes? This appears to be another example of this as it reads a lot more disturbing than the alternative we saw. Aramis and d'Artagnan even have a brief conversation about whether that was strictly necessary and not a little unethical: D’Artagnan moves to one side with Aramis, looking at him dubiously.
D’ARTAGNAN
Were you really going to hang him?
ARAMIS
You think we’re savages?
D’ARTAGNAN
I don’t know yet.
ARAMIS
He thought we were. That’s what matters.
D’ARTAGNAN
That’s not what I asked.
Aramis looks at him, considering the question carefully.
ARAMIS
Who knows?
Now that's reassuring!
This scene by the way followed another flashback to Milady's execution: Immediately the Executioner kicks away the platform supporting her body. We see her legs kick wildly as her body is suspended in space and she begins to choke to death.
Athos’s face creases with disgust. His first instinct is to dash forward and save her. But abruptly he turns his horse and gallops away, never once looking back.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. BASTILLE. DUNGEON. DAY.
ATHOS lies on his straw pallet, lost in the torture of his memories. Perhaps he is also thinking that the same fate now lies in store for him...
Unsurprisingly the more family friendly version in ep3 cuts out a lot earlier (but if that's the level of "darker" we are to expect in series 2 I'm fine with it. So far it's nothing that isn't in the spirit of the source material). It is also interesting to note that Athos sentence of facing a rather anachronistic firing squad used to be a more historically accurate hanging.
I'm skipping a couple of scenes here that are pretty much as seen on TV (well, apart from an additional scene between Aramis and Adele in which she tells him that the Cardinal will find out about them because "he can see into my heart". He's not actually a supernatural evil, lady, you know? Well... not, that we know of ...), but here's another interesting change: Dujon leads the three to Cornet's body and tells them that Cornet sold out his men and his mission because he was in so much debt and later had to be killed because he couldn't live with having been responsible for the death of his friends and wanted to go 'fess up to Treville. Poor traitorous woobie.
Anyhow, in another massive deviation from the other script Dujon also tells them that Gaudet intends to rob the Queen next while she's out visitng someone (which is super intelligent with the person he is impersonating already in prison btw.), convinced that the King in his anger will disband the musketeers (yeah, whatever. Why is every second adaption of this book so obsessed with Richelieu making the King disband the musketeers?).
D'Artagnan then has a brilliant plan how to catch Gaudet in the act and force him to confess ... and again, everyone is way cattier in this version than on the show, including Treville: TREVILLE
What plan?
D’ARTAGNAN
One that ends either in triumph or with our heads on the block.
The others all look at each other.
ARAMIS
I like his style.
TREVILLE
I like my head. He’s not even a Musketeer. All right. What is this wonderful plan?
D’ARTAGNAN
We let the attack on the Queen go ahead.
TREVILLE
(Dry)
Hopefully it gets better as it goes along.
Anyway they go to propose their plan to the Queen (but not the audience) and then we see them pull it off: d'Artagnan's brilliant plan simply is to switch the Queen for Adele (whom he does not know, good job at continuity, guys!) and her companions with himself, Constance and Porthos and Aramis. Genius, d'Artagnan!
Constance in this version does not have to dress up as a prostitute but she get's her blouse ripped and is forced to stab a guy: At the same moment PORTHOS finishes off his own opponent and pauses to glance admiringly at CONSTANCE, who looks quite something with her shirt torn to the waist, bosom heaving and the sword clutched in her hand.
PORTHOS
If there’s one thing I love it’s a half-dressed woman with a sword.
Porthos, you perv!
Like on the show Constance is shaken by having had to take someone's life but it's made more explicit in this version. Also Gaudet does not get killed by d'Artagnan but goes to stand trial (Athos is there too. There is no last-minute pardon and all in all it is less dramatic than the version that was aired). To shut him up before he can reveal anything embarassing (Louis suspects Richelieu's involvement in this version of events!) the Cardinal declares him guilty rather quickly and sentences him to be broken on the wheel. Aaaaaand we're back into creepy-land territory! :D
No, no! The script does not devote a page to Gaudet's brutal execution, but instead of poisoning his own mook Richelieu hands him a flask of poison to commit suicide rather than suffer agonising torture on the wheel. FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!
It's even more unsettling than that, because as it turns out Gaudet is a fanatic who truly believes in the Cardinal and accepts that he has to die for Richie to be able to continue his great work. Also, this bit: CARDINAL
Why did you kill Alexandre
D’Artagnan? That wasn’t part of your orders.
GAUDET
I heard you curse him when you read his letters. I thought you’d be pleased if I disposed of him for you.
*glad they changed it*
Moving on to something happier! The original script had a scene that explains what d'Artagnan was actually doing hanging round with the musketeers before becoming a musketeer! ... Well, no, not really, but Treville and the boys ask d'Artagnan to stick around and maybe they'll eventually ask him to join them. Like an intern kinda, or something. It replaces the last scene with Athos drunk in a tavern though, so I'm not that sad to see it go.
The scene also ends with a really awkward attempt at the All for One line: He grins and holds out his hand to them all. One by one they add their hands until they are all intertwined.
D’ARTAGNAN
All for one...
They all stare back at him blankly. He shrugs.
D’ARTAGNAN
I’m still trying to decide how the rest of it goes.
*so glad they changed it*
The rest of the episode then proceeds rather much like the aired version, except for the fact that when Aramis is handed back his pistol it is explicitly said to be "A gift for you. From the Cardinal", which is a friggin' big change IMO, since in this version it should be pretty clear to him what happened to the poor woman.
Overall I think I still vastly prefer the version that was actually aired. Although some of the changes are really interesting. E.g. the king is basically a completely different character on the show! Less calculating, more sympathetic but also a lot more useless.
I also like that Adele had a couple more scenes in this version. Although since on the show they never mention her death again I'm glad they changed the scene with Aramis receiving the cardinal's gift into something more ambiguous. It's sad that he never truly finds out about what happened to Adele but I guess they figured that they would not have time for that storyline in the first series? If that's the case I think it's better the way the re-wrote it than having Aramis know she's dead but then letting the matter drop.
Gotta hand it to Dumas though (or well, to his staff of ghost writers. Or his writer sweatshop. Whoever truly wrote the thing), he knows how to kill off characters in the right ways to inflict maximum hurt. XD I'm not still crying. I only got something in my eye. And my other eye. And in my heart!
So to cheer myself up I had a look at the original script for the The Musketeers pilot episode that has been making the rounds (someone linked to it over on bbc_musketeers). And wow, did it cheer me up! (I'm so glad we got the episode we got instead XD)
We open our adventure somewhere in Gascony, encountering a group of five men in musketeer uniforms. Leading them is ATHOS (30s), a handsome man of striking aristocratic features. We know a hero when we see one, but we also might sense a hidden melancholy he is too proud to show to the world at large.
Sounds legit!
We all know the only one who has a more heroic face than Athos is Grumpy Cat.
We are also shocked to learn that Cornet actually had a speaking role in the original script albeit briefly (that is after we finish laughing about the fact that he's actually called "Cornet"). Not only that, he also had a "look around shiftily"- role in said script too! So I believe we shouldn't complain too loudly that they got rid of both of them for him. Anyway, Athos parts from the group for the "road is safe enough from here", but mainly for pretty flimsy plot reasons.
Something is wrong here. But what?
I can tell you what's wrong here, the d'Artagnans moved house between scripts: CUT TO:
2
EXT. D’ARTAGNAN FARM. MEUNG. GASCONY DAY.
Wonder why they did that. Probably because I don't think there is a Meung in Gascony? There is, however, a town called Condom (it is absolutely necessary that you know this).
Anyway d'Artagnan Sr. is entertaining guests in his farmhouse and complaining about what a weak loser the king is when FOUR MASKED
MUSKETEERS burst in. Their uniforms are identical to those we saw on the men on the road. We can still see the dust and dirt on them. The soldiers’ leader steps forward. We assume it is Cornet. (It is actually GAUDET - for the sake of the drama both actors should be of similar look and build).
Aaaah, the farm is being invaded by spoilers!
Lucky for them that everyone in the world wears standard size, tight-fitting leather uniforms.
Anyway, they demand to speak to Alexandre d'Artagnan and this happens: GAUDET
Didn’t you write to the King, calling his ministers criminals and his tax collectors parasites?
ALEXANDRE
I did. And I would say it again to his face.
GAUDET
No need. Here is the King’s answer.
He plunges his sword into Alexandre’s stomach.
Even the absolute secondary characters in this are glib as hell!
I must say, I actually like this bit better than the version we actually got to see on telly. Because in this scenerio it seems slightly more plausible that the witnesses would believe Gaudet introducing himself as a musketeer. Only slightly though. Because you still shouldn't go around claiming you're assassinating people in the name of the king stating your full name and profession.
So now that we've established that this plot makes sense in neither version of the script we can get back to our musketeers: OPEN on the streets of seventeenth century Paris. We follow ATHOS as he hurries through the bustling crowd. We see a caption on screen OVER: PARIS 1625.
There is no ice-punching in this version, and no BUCKET! DD: (Noooo, bucket is my favourite character!). Which means it is infinitely inferior to the version that was aired. (The date given in the actual episode is 1630 btw. Which is a good thing, otherwise a certain episode referring to stuff that happened five years ago would have been silly. Sillier. I mean.)
Bucket. ♥
We move directly to the duel between Porthos and Dujon. Only Porthos doesn't have a fork and there is no duel at all: The two men circle each other. It looks like we’re in for a really classic duel...
... And then Athos simply picks up a chair and crashes it over Dujon’s head. He collapses like a demolished chimney stack. There is a startled silence.
PORTHOS
What happened to the strict code of honour and chivalry?
ATHOS
Who has time?
Boo! I prefer the version that aired. Complete with fork.
Btw, speaking of Porthos: One of the men at the table is PORTHOS. In his early 30s, he is a brutal street fighter with raw good looks. He is of mixed race, calm and composed but intensely aware of any movement around him.
If by "raw good looks" you mean smoking hot, yet oddly cuddly your casting department did an excellent job.
This scene is also the one in which we encounter d'Artagnan for the first time: He is in his 20s, attractive, with an athletic build. He finishes his drink then turns quietly to follow the Musketeers. His name is D’ARTAGNAN.
Thought I'd include all of these.
We move on to Aramis and here's the part of the script that everyone knows from tumblr: Aramis is in his late 20s. All our key Musketeers are attractive but Aramis is the one who makes women - and men, probably - stop in their tracks. Frankly, he’s sexy and he knows it.
Yeah, apart from Santiago Cabrera having left his late 20's behind him a while ago: GOOD JOB, casting department!
The scene between Aramis and Adele is another one that I'm glad they changed. Really, really glad. Because when the Cardinal shows up in this script she aks Aramis to rip her bodice and hit her before he makes his escape to make it look like he was an intruder who assaulted her. Um. No, thank you!
Enter Richelieu: He is in his 40s, elegantly dressed, with only the heavy gold cross around his neck to indicate his position within the rap industry church hierarchy. A good-looking and outwardly affable man, he has an intimidating aura of power.
Actually, I don't believe you when you say that Peter Capaldi is forty!
Anyway, let's move on to happier things: INT. PARIS. MUSKETEER’S GARRISON/TREVILLE’S HOTEL. DAY.
12
As ATHOS, PORTHOS and ARAMIS enter the regiment’s headquarters they walk past their fellow Musketeers, bare-chested, shirts open, hair flying, fencing in mock duels or tangling in rowdy bare-knuckle boxing matches. It is an intensely masculine world, dripping with sweat and testosterone.
It is also the reason why smell-o-vision will never take on.
Shame we didn't get the visual in the actual episode though, I always liked that bit in the book. Possibly cut it because they didn't have enough bare-chested extras around.
MORE character sketches: Captain of the Musketeers, Treville is a battle-scarred veteran of countless campaigns, and also a self-taught thinker and philosopher. His room is covered in books, maps and scientific instruments. Now in his 50s, his strength and charisma remain undimmed.
I'll be forever miffed that Treville the office isn't anyway near as slutty messy as this implies. Because that would be great. I'm also miffed that we didn't get to see any of that self-taught thinker side of his (think what this could mean for his relationship to Porthos)... or well, more in general (series 2 needs more Treville AND A FREAKING MESSY OFFICE, please, is all I'm saying). Also show!Treville isn't quite 50 yet, poor thing. Perhaps he'll get sluttier with age.
(Aoife, I have something for that texts-blog)
The good thing is though, Porthos gained a couple of IQ-points during the re-write: TREVILLE
I’ve had complaints. Allegations you’ve been duelling with the Cardinal’s Red Guards. For money.
Is it true?
ATHOS
That would be illegal.
His expression is deadpan. The others look equally bland.
TREVILLE
Two of his men were wounded.
PORTHOS
Wounded? We barely scratched them.
The others sigh. He grimaces. Treville gives them a dry look.
Anyway the scene in the office is much unchanged from what we've seen except for TREVILLE
Make enquiries. Be discreet.
He tosses a pile of papers from his chair and sits down.
TREVILLE
These duels you didn’t fight. How much money didn’t you make?
ATHOS
Not 20 livres.
Treville holds out his hand. Athos digs into his pocket, finds a gold coin and puts it in Treville’s hand. He clicks his fingers and Athos resignedly adds two more.
I want that messy office. The visual amuses me beyond words ... (Also in this script Treville calls the guys "boys". I'm glad they changed that. I would have died of cute.)
And apparently everybody was a lot cattier in the original script: D’ARTAGNAN talks to the LANDLADY, an old woman of sour disposition.
LANDLADY
Five Sous for the bed, three if you share. Any lice or crabs?
D’ARTAGNAN
Are you asking or offering?
Milady's scenes are pretty much as we see them on the show: d'Artagnan sasses her companion, they do it, he promises to kill her ex, she frames him for murder etc. But here's her character description as well: his female companion is simply ravishing, with a regal beauty that quickens the pulse and numbs the senses. This is MILADY.
Oh, and according to a later line she was going to be blonde, like in the book! (just noticing, not criticising. I wouldn't want to swap Maimie McCoy for anybody else because I prefer brunettes).
And now for the deepest, most insightful character sketch ever ... are you prepared? Here we go: D’ARTAGNAN rounds the corner and sees a woman at a market stall. Her name is CONSTANCE BONACIEUX. She is very pretty, dark-haired and in her mid-20s.
Woah, I'm blown away by such insight!
Constance/Tamla Kari is gorgeous though, so there's that... she's also super-violent: A second later the outraged Constance frees herself and stabs d’Artagnan in the hand with a small pen knife.
Ouch! And then d'Artagnan was crippled in the hand and the show came to a premature end because his sword-fighting days were over. No wonder this was changed into her kneeing him in the groin instead. XD
And here's a little more awkward humour that got cut:CONSTANCE
(Despite herself)
Are you all right?
D’ARTAGNAN
Do you know what fainting feels like?
CONSTANCE
A sort of woozy feeling, mild sickness and then loss of
consciousness.
D’ARTAGNAN
Ah. That would explain it.
His eyelids flutter and he slides to the ground with a thump, out cold. Constance stares at him.
CONSTANCE
Walk away, Constance. Just walk away...
(we also learn that Constance has "three older brothers" who must have died between this script and the re-writes.)
We then turn to Athos' rooms for no narrative reason whatsoever and are treated to the vision of Milady being executed that we actually got to see in episode 3 (Good decision to switch that around. The mansion in ep3 was a much more natural place for it than Athos randomly staring at a white gown)!
Meanwhile at the palace: KING LOUIS XIII holding a crossbow and surrounded by applauding COURTIERS. LOUIS is in his mid-20s, good-looking but weak-willed, lazy but not a fool.
And this is where the episode enters "everybody is hella creepy"-land! What fun! LOUIS
There. Could any of your Musketeers do better?
Treville tries to answer politely but leaves too long a pause. The king gives him a wry look.
LOUIS
You should try flattery sometime, Treville. It plays very well around here.
He indicates his fawning COURTIERS with scorn.
LOUIS
I could shoot any one of them now and they’d say the wound was no worse than a wasp sting.
He loads an arrow in his bow and turns it on the crowd, who scatter in alarm. He smiles gleefully, enjoying their reaction
Hey there, King Joffrey! LOUIS
You have disappointed me, Treville.
And King Louis doesn’t like disappointment.
It makes him very unhappy.
Run, Treville! RUN! He is going to Hulk out!
The fake musketeers do some robbing and murdering, as they are wont to do, and we get to meet Bonacieux, the other inhabitant of "way more creepy than on the show"-town: He is 20 years older than her, not handsome but dignified and rather stiff. He is also jealously in love with his much younger wife.
He is not happy that Constance brought a hot, young d'Artagnan into their home: CONSTANCE
I am your faithful wife. You have no cause to attack my honour.
Bonacieux stares at her angrily then abruptly his mood changes and he sighs in apology.
BONACIEUX
You’re right my love. Forgive me. I am a foolish and jealous man.
He kisses her briefly on the forehead.
BONACIEUX
It’s just I can’t stand the thought of another man touching you. You understand?
He smiles. We see Constance’s very mixed reactions to his mildly threatening possessiveness.
Bonacieux introduces himself to d'Artagnan as a Merchant in high quality ladies undergarments. Perhaps you’ve heard of me?
Considering he's established on the show to be doing business with Treville and later the cardinal, I am side-eyeing both of them so hard right now.
Let's ... let's get back to crazy!Louis, instead, yeah? CARDINAL
Your Majesty’s judgement is
infallible. It is those who serve you who make mistakes.
LOUIS
True. But being King Louis is very lonely sometimes.
CARDINAL
I am always by your side.
Ah, that's better!
to be fair, Louis does respond with this: LOUIS
Oh, yes. Every since I was a little boy, there you were, guiding me, telling me what to do, steering the great ship of State while I lounged on the deck.
He looks resentful but the Cardinal only smiles politely.
But then they ruin everything by this particular exchange: CARDINAL
I am deeply honoured. (Pause) Will Your Majesty be attending on the Queen tonight?
LOUIS
(Furious)
Good God, are you coming into the bedroom with me now? Some things are private, even to you.
CARDINAL
The succession is not a private matter. France needs an heir.
LOUIS
All right! I’ll sleep with her.
Come and watch if you like!
DDD:
He continues to say that Anne is "just like mother. And who wants to be reminded of their mother in bed?" Yikes! Especially a mother wo tries to have you overthrown or killed, am I right?
Richelieu and Adele share a scene in which she notices Aramis forgot his pistol. To distract the cardinal she psycho-analyses Richelieu who complains about the musketeers beeing smelly barstards. She concludes that ADELE
Is that why you hate them? Because they are beyond your control?
CARDINAL
Nothing is beyond my control.
(just posting because I fully accept his control issues as my head-canon. ;) )
Constance bandages d'Artagnan who hurt himself in his fall: He leans forward and kisses her, softly this time. She is too surprised to resist or perhaps she simply doesn’t want to; finally she pushes him away gently. He smiles.
D’ARTAGNAN
Our relationship is improving. You didn’t stab me this time.
He goes to the door. She doesn’t move.
D’ARTAGNAN
At least if I die I’ll take the memory of your lips to the grave.
You read too many flowery Dumas novels, sir! You barely know each other! (I prefer how the show actually developed their relationship before it had them kiss in earnest. Yeah, I get that this is a pilot script and they're trying to showcase as much as they can of their plans, but yikes! Then again, d'Artagnan also had sex with Milady first chance he got. After she threatened him with a pistol. Guess he's just really horny all the time.)
D'Artagnan heads over to the garrison to challenge Athos, where Athos is worried about Cornet having disappeared: I should have seen him safely to Bayonne.
Oh no, but you assured them the road was safe! So you could leave without any meaningful reason. So that the plot can later turn out as it does. Because this show gave up on logic before it was even a twinkle in Mr Hodges' eye!
D’ARTAGNAN
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t shoot you where you stand.
ATHOS
Because I have no idea who you are?
Remember how everyone is full of sass in this script? Even more so than on the actual show?
Additionally, during the duel Gascony is insulted frequently: D’ARTAGNAN
Do you deny you killed Alexandre d’Artagnan, of Meung in Gascony?
PORTHOS
Gascony? Why’s everything happening in Gascony all of a sudden?
ARAMIS
I’ve been to Gascony. Nothing ever happens.
And PORTHOS
He’s pretty good.
ARAMIS
Considering he’s from Gascony.
Don't let the captain hear you!
Anyway, the script points out how physically "intense" they are and how much they sweat during the fight scene. Because it also focuses on how pretty and handsomce and beautiful everyone is, it's not like we don't know this show's for all kinds of pervs !
Constance showing up and Athos getting arrested is pretty much like on the show. But then comes the trial, and Richelieu starts off by warning the kids about the dangers of gang-life and drugs and duels: There is nothing trivial about duelling. It is gang violence by another name, street warfare that leaves too many of our best young men dead or wounded every year.
Yeah, which is why everyone caught duelling faced a death-sentence...
Anyway, here's where the scene from the very beginning proves it's flimsy connection to the plot: CARDINAL
(To Athos)
Where were you on this day one week ago?
ATHOS
(Pause)
In Gascony.
There are cries of shock and a buzz of conversation.
CARDINAL
What were you doing there?
Athos looks at Treville, who shakes his head minutely.
ATHOS
I’m not at liberty to say.
CARDINAL
You refuse to answer?
ATHOS
I cannot.
It's almost like this version of the script has more to offer to condemn Athos than the reports of those poor, stupid witnesses who don't question why a man who goes to the trouble of masking his face would introduce himself by his name. :p It is a lot more dramatic! Also, poor Treville, he keeps losing musketeers, because Louis gives shitty orders: LOUIS
Your man must say nothing of his true purpose in Gascony.
TREVILLE
But how can he defend himself?
LOUIS
King Louis’s good name is at stake!
If Athos must die to preserve it, then so be it.
I am so glad the episode that aired did not have Louis referring to himself in the third person. Combined with some of his personality traits displayed already in this script it would have been too unsettling! XD
For their investigations to prove Athos' innocence Porthos and Athos go to pick up d'Artagnan, who once again is shirtless in the presence of Constance for, uh, reasons. I'm sure they're excellent reasons. Meanwhile Richelieu explains his evil plot to Milady and asks her to find out who his mistress is cheating on him with. Much like on the show. Well, almost, there's this additional line: CARDINAL
I have been the King’s trusted advisor since he was barely more than a child. Now he wants to try politics for himself, free of my influence.
He pauses and looks up at her.
CARDINAL
It seems I have to remind him that all government is about compromise.
He will be King and I will rule.
He then twirled his mustache and broke out into a frightening cackle.
Aramis, Porthos and d'Artagnan finding the bodies is slightly different. Mainly there is a dramatic flashback of a tree getting shot:
D’ARTAGNAN
Wait!
He dismounts and walks to a nearby tree. A low branch hangs limply where it has been shattered. Aramis looks at it.
CUT IN:
A pistol fires in SLOW MOTION. We see the charge explode and the ball spinning from the barrel. It whistles through the air and crashes into the tree branch, sending sap exploding...
Yeah, that was clearly necessary and should have stayed in. That poor tree! Did it leave a family? Will litte Susie Poplar and Elder Billy be alright?
The actual finding of the bodies is much darker than on the show: Three bodies have been uncovered. All of them are in their underclothes, with their hands tied behind their backs. There is dried blood on their faces. PORTHOS gazes down at them, seething with anger and disgust.
PORTHOS
All of them tied up and shot in the head. It was an execution.
Yeeeah, I'm not sad they changed it. But I guess that's partly what Hodges meant about them having had to re-write stuff for a more family friendly time-slot?
Anyway in this version they notice that Cornet's body is missing and find out he met with Dujon (the guy Porthos almost had the fork duel with. His name kinda sounds like a type of mustard). So they pay him a visit, just like on the show. Only they don't pretend to shoot him, but pretend to hang him instead. What I said about Hodges and the re-writes? This appears to be another example of this as it reads a lot more disturbing than the alternative we saw. Aramis and d'Artagnan even have a brief conversation about whether that was strictly necessary and not a little unethical: D’Artagnan moves to one side with Aramis, looking at him dubiously.
D’ARTAGNAN
Were you really going to hang him?
ARAMIS
You think we’re savages?
D’ARTAGNAN
I don’t know yet.
ARAMIS
He thought we were. That’s what matters.
D’ARTAGNAN
That’s not what I asked.
Aramis looks at him, considering the question carefully.
ARAMIS
Who knows?
Now that's reassuring!
This scene by the way followed another flashback to Milady's execution: Immediately the Executioner kicks away the platform supporting her body. We see her legs kick wildly as her body is suspended in space and she begins to choke to death.
Athos’s face creases with disgust. His first instinct is to dash forward and save her. But abruptly he turns his horse and gallops away, never once looking back.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. BASTILLE. DUNGEON. DAY.
ATHOS lies on his straw pallet, lost in the torture of his memories. Perhaps he is also thinking that the same fate now lies in store for him...
Unsurprisingly the more family friendly version in ep3 cuts out a lot earlier (but if that's the level of "darker" we are to expect in series 2 I'm fine with it. So far it's nothing that isn't in the spirit of the source material). It is also interesting to note that Athos sentence of facing a rather anachronistic firing squad used to be a more historically accurate hanging.
I'm skipping a couple of scenes here that are pretty much as seen on TV (well, apart from an additional scene between Aramis and Adele in which she tells him that the Cardinal will find out about them because "he can see into my heart". He's not actually a supernatural evil, lady, you know? Well... not, that we know of ...), but here's another interesting change: Dujon leads the three to Cornet's body and tells them that Cornet sold out his men and his mission because he was in so much debt and later had to be killed because he couldn't live with having been responsible for the death of his friends and wanted to go 'fess up to Treville. Poor traitorous woobie.
Anyhow, in another massive deviation from the other script Dujon also tells them that Gaudet intends to rob the Queen next while she's out visitng someone (which is super intelligent with the person he is impersonating already in prison btw.), convinced that the King in his anger will disband the musketeers (yeah, whatever. Why is every second adaption of this book so obsessed with Richelieu making the King disband the musketeers?).
D'Artagnan then has a brilliant plan how to catch Gaudet in the act and force him to confess ... and again, everyone is way cattier in this version than on the show, including Treville: TREVILLE
What plan?
D’ARTAGNAN
One that ends either in triumph or with our heads on the block.
The others all look at each other.
ARAMIS
I like his style.
TREVILLE
I like my head. He’s not even a Musketeer. All right. What is this wonderful plan?
D’ARTAGNAN
We let the attack on the Queen go ahead.
TREVILLE
(Dry)
Hopefully it gets better as it goes along.
Anyway they go to propose their plan to the Queen (but not the audience) and then we see them pull it off: d'Artagnan's brilliant plan simply is to switch the Queen for Adele (whom he does not know, good job at continuity, guys!) and her companions with himself, Constance and Porthos and Aramis. Genius, d'Artagnan!
Constance in this version does not have to dress up as a prostitute but she get's her blouse ripped and is forced to stab a guy: At the same moment PORTHOS finishes off his own opponent and pauses to glance admiringly at CONSTANCE, who looks quite something with her shirt torn to the waist, bosom heaving and the sword clutched in her hand.
PORTHOS
If there’s one thing I love it’s a half-dressed woman with a sword.
Porthos, you perv!
Like on the show Constance is shaken by having had to take someone's life but it's made more explicit in this version. Also Gaudet does not get killed by d'Artagnan but goes to stand trial (Athos is there too. There is no last-minute pardon and all in all it is less dramatic than the version that was aired). To shut him up before he can reveal anything embarassing (Louis suspects Richelieu's involvement in this version of events!) the Cardinal declares him guilty rather quickly and sentences him to be broken on the wheel. Aaaaaand we're back into creepy-land territory! :D
No, no! The script does not devote a page to Gaudet's brutal execution, but instead of poisoning his own mook Richelieu hands him a flask of poison to commit suicide rather than suffer agonising torture on the wheel. FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!
It's even more unsettling than that, because as it turns out Gaudet is a fanatic who truly believes in the Cardinal and accepts that he has to die for Richie to be able to continue his great work. Also, this bit: CARDINAL
Why did you kill Alexandre
D’Artagnan? That wasn’t part of your orders.
GAUDET
I heard you curse him when you read his letters. I thought you’d be pleased if I disposed of him for you.
*glad they changed it*
Moving on to something happier! The original script had a scene that explains what d'Artagnan was actually doing hanging round with the musketeers before becoming a musketeer! ... Well, no, not really, but Treville and the boys ask d'Artagnan to stick around and maybe they'll eventually ask him to join them. Like an intern kinda, or something. It replaces the last scene with Athos drunk in a tavern though, so I'm not that sad to see it go.
The scene also ends with a really awkward attempt at the All for One line: He grins and holds out his hand to them all. One by one they add their hands until they are all intertwined.
D’ARTAGNAN
All for one...
They all stare back at him blankly. He shrugs.
D’ARTAGNAN
I’m still trying to decide how the rest of it goes.
*so glad they changed it*
The rest of the episode then proceeds rather much like the aired version, except for the fact that when Aramis is handed back his pistol it is explicitly said to be "A gift for you. From the Cardinal", which is a friggin' big change IMO, since in this version it should be pretty clear to him what happened to the poor woman.
Overall I think I still vastly prefer the version that was actually aired. Although some of the changes are really interesting. E.g. the king is basically a completely different character on the show! Less calculating, more sympathetic but also a lot more useless.
I also like that Adele had a couple more scenes in this version. Although since on the show they never mention her death again I'm glad they changed the scene with Aramis receiving the cardinal's gift into something more ambiguous. It's sad that he never truly finds out about what happened to Adele but I guess they figured that they would not have time for that storyline in the first series? If that's the case I think it's better the way the re-wrote it than having Aramis know she's dead but then letting the matter drop.