Part I: Why I'm drug free - finally spelled out for myself
I was laying on my futon, relaxing after a good workout with Mitch. Petting my two new kitties. I flipped through the channels, looking for a movie and landed on A&E. It was a show called Intervention. I have heard of it before and always wanted to watch it, but I never really did. So I started watching and the Intervention was on two women, one who was a cutter and another a Vicodin addict. I watched the entire episode and being emotional me, I cried a little at the end. It was sad, but sort of redeeming. It inspired me to write something I have always wanted to write, but couldn't never find the words to shape it.
Some people have religion, lack of it, republicanism, anarchism, and so and so forth. Basically everyone has a set of codes or philosophies they live by. I have a few, but the dominant one is straight edge. Say what you will about it, it is mine and that is my choice. It has helped me through some serious struggles and this post is about what it means to me, in my terms, in my own unique definition of it.
I believe their is a lot of hurt in the world. Hurt doesn't start with oneself though. I think it begins with the infliction of hurt unto others. We inflict hurt onto others because we ourselves are hurting and don't known how to deal with it. In order to deal with the hurt, sometimes people self-medicate and abuse things. It could be drugs, alcohol, food, sex and many other things. It think this is one main reason why people abuse their bodies. I know, because I did that to myself.
I have had to cope with a lot of hurt in my life. I'm not trying to induce pity or anything of that nature, or say that my hurt was any bigger than anyone elses, because I have dealt with much of the hurt in my life and moved on. I am a much happier person now than I was 6, 5 or even 4 years ago.
Due to my hurt, I have spent much of my life angry. I still have my bouts of anger, but they are nowhere near the scope or magnitude as in the past. I still have times when I have to hit something, scream, cry, and finally just talk it out with someone or myself.
One of the biggest inflictions of hurt has been my parents and their separation at a very difficult time in my life. My parents divorced when I was in sixth grade, which is an awkward time. It is when you are trying to transition from being a kid to becoming a teenager. I was a shy girl who still didn't know where she fit. I was nerdy, dressed funny, wore big glasses and would rather read a book than talk about the cute boy down the lunch table. That just wasn't who I was. I was a kid and that's all I wanted to be. But there were somethings I had to learn. I had to learn to grow up in a matter of months.
My parents had a very nasty divorce. I want to spare those details out of respect for my family. What has happened, happened and that is between them and I. What I will say is that a lot of people came out very hurt as a result. My mother still has a hard time dealing with it and for sometime she could not take care of my sister and I the way she perhaps should have. I think she did the best she could under the circumstances. My mom had to go back to work, holding down jobs that had her stay out late or leaving very early in the morning. We stayed alone and never truly dealt with the issues at hand.
It would all build up.
High school was even harder for me. I continued to be the awkward kid trying to find her spot. I was still angry. I listened to angry music. I hated everyone and hated myself. People picked on me or didn't talk to me. I wouldn't say I was completely friendless, because I was blessed to have some wonderful people around me, but I was still hurting. I began a cycle of hurting myself through alcohol abuse. It wasn't something that happened all the time, actually it didn't really happen all that often, until right before I had my breakthrough. But whenever there was alcohol available, I would take it and get drunk.
I think of that feeling of being drunk. So weird. I wasn't myself. I was able to forget my hurt and be someone else. I wasn't shy anymore. I wasn't awkward. I think the first time I was really drunk was when I was 14 or 15. Way too young when I think of it now. I was a child.
I remember I went to my first concert when I was 14. I started going to shows in Victoria soon after that. It was sort of a mixed blessing. It was the scene that tried to chew me up and spit me out, but it also saved me.
When I started going to these shows, I met people that I thought were my friends. I didn't have many at school, so the Victoria scene was a surrogate family of sorts, but some people I should not have been associating with. This was when I would go to parties and get trashed. I smoked pot from people I didn't even know. I think about it now and how stupid that was. There could have been anything laced with that stuff and I took it without question. But I didn't care. I couldn't feel anymore. I wasn't living my life anymore. My life hurt too much and anything different, I thought, was good.
I had a breakthrough one night. I was at a party and I got ridiculously drunk. I got throw up until you vomit bile drunk. Perhaps another bottle of beer would have landed me in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. I could barely stand. I don't even remember how I got home that night. It wasn't the first time I had blacked out, but it was the after that really fucked me up.
Some people have religion, lack of it, republicanism, anarchism, and so and so forth. Basically everyone has a set of codes or philosophies they live by. I have a few, but the dominant one is straight edge. Say what you will about it, it is mine and that is my choice. It has helped me through some serious struggles and this post is about what it means to me, in my terms, in my own unique definition of it.
I believe their is a lot of hurt in the world. Hurt doesn't start with oneself though. I think it begins with the infliction of hurt unto others. We inflict hurt onto others because we ourselves are hurting and don't known how to deal with it. In order to deal with the hurt, sometimes people self-medicate and abuse things. It could be drugs, alcohol, food, sex and many other things. It think this is one main reason why people abuse their bodies. I know, because I did that to myself.
I have had to cope with a lot of hurt in my life. I'm not trying to induce pity or anything of that nature, or say that my hurt was any bigger than anyone elses, because I have dealt with much of the hurt in my life and moved on. I am a much happier person now than I was 6, 5 or even 4 years ago.
Due to my hurt, I have spent much of my life angry. I still have my bouts of anger, but they are nowhere near the scope or magnitude as in the past. I still have times when I have to hit something, scream, cry, and finally just talk it out with someone or myself.
One of the biggest inflictions of hurt has been my parents and their separation at a very difficult time in my life. My parents divorced when I was in sixth grade, which is an awkward time. It is when you are trying to transition from being a kid to becoming a teenager. I was a shy girl who still didn't know where she fit. I was nerdy, dressed funny, wore big glasses and would rather read a book than talk about the cute boy down the lunch table. That just wasn't who I was. I was a kid and that's all I wanted to be. But there were somethings I had to learn. I had to learn to grow up in a matter of months.
My parents had a very nasty divorce. I want to spare those details out of respect for my family. What has happened, happened and that is between them and I. What I will say is that a lot of people came out very hurt as a result. My mother still has a hard time dealing with it and for sometime she could not take care of my sister and I the way she perhaps should have. I think she did the best she could under the circumstances. My mom had to go back to work, holding down jobs that had her stay out late or leaving very early in the morning. We stayed alone and never truly dealt with the issues at hand.
It would all build up.
High school was even harder for me. I continued to be the awkward kid trying to find her spot. I was still angry. I listened to angry music. I hated everyone and hated myself. People picked on me or didn't talk to me. I wouldn't say I was completely friendless, because I was blessed to have some wonderful people around me, but I was still hurting. I began a cycle of hurting myself through alcohol abuse. It wasn't something that happened all the time, actually it didn't really happen all that often, until right before I had my breakthrough. But whenever there was alcohol available, I would take it and get drunk.
I think of that feeling of being drunk. So weird. I wasn't myself. I was able to forget my hurt and be someone else. I wasn't shy anymore. I wasn't awkward. I think the first time I was really drunk was when I was 14 or 15. Way too young when I think of it now. I was a child.
I remember I went to my first concert when I was 14. I started going to shows in Victoria soon after that. It was sort of a mixed blessing. It was the scene that tried to chew me up and spit me out, but it also saved me.
When I started going to these shows, I met people that I thought were my friends. I didn't have many at school, so the Victoria scene was a surrogate family of sorts, but some people I should not have been associating with. This was when I would go to parties and get trashed. I smoked pot from people I didn't even know. I think about it now and how stupid that was. There could have been anything laced with that stuff and I took it without question. But I didn't care. I couldn't feel anymore. I wasn't living my life anymore. My life hurt too much and anything different, I thought, was good.
I had a breakthrough one night. I was at a party and I got ridiculously drunk. I got throw up until you vomit bile drunk. Perhaps another bottle of beer would have landed me in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. I could barely stand. I don't even remember how I got home that night. It wasn't the first time I had blacked out, but it was the after that really fucked me up.