zomg a real blog post
It's days like these that make me question my attempts to live my life with my primary goal being to try and be there and be supportive of the people I care about and be willing to always be a listening ear for them. I mean, that in and of itself I don't have a problem with, it's just... it would be nice if those people would be willing to let ~me~ tell ~them~ about my rough spots now and then. Don't get me wrong, I love doing what I do, it would just be nice if those people would do it for me sometimes too. I dunno, I'm just tired of having to use this to rant at, where the only people that see it are people I don't know and who don't know me. You know, all five of you that read this now and then.
Although that said, I love having you five in my life to the extent that you are - I do sorta wish it was possible for me to know you all better.
Not much else new, really... 20 days until Hawaii! Woo! And with Hawaii comes getting to see Andrea and Cat and Thomas and Doreen again, chaching! I love them sooo much... I love everybody that I work National and International-level Pokémon tournaments with. They really are like a second family to me and I wish I could see them more than the twice a year that I do. Although I may get to go visit Andrea/Cat/Thomas again before US Nats next year, so that would be awesome if that does wind up working out.
Still nothing new on the girl front. That's ok though, really - it's not that I've finally become fully used to being alone, it's more that I've come to peace with that, quite frankly, I'm probably not in a state where I'm ready to be in a relationship yet (still). From the finances to the emotional maturity (or lack there of - I may be 25 in body, but to be brutally honestly I would still peg my emotional age at mid to late teens; should probably work on that), it's probably best that I'm single for the time being.
Unnamed friend #1 stopped talking to me again. Won't answer tweets, won't answer texts, won't answer Facebook messages. Rather depressing :( Hopefully it's just that her life has taken an upswing in busy, but I've learned to expect the worst in this sort of situation. Not fear it, just expect it. Once things like this are at a stage that's completely out of my hands, expecting the worst is the best way to not be disappointed in the results.
Ooooh, after the Hawaii trip, I'll have enough Aeroplan points for a free flight anywhere in continental North America. Randomly disappearing for a few weeks, here I come! I don't know where I'll go or what I'll do when I get there, but I honestly look forward to it. Fortunately now I'm not at a point anymore where I'll want people to think I'm dead, I'm instead at a point where I just won't care what they think for those two weeks (or however long I go for). It will be 100% Geoffrey time, so I can recharge my emotional batteries and just get away from everything and everyone. Some soul-searching time will do me good, I think.
Methinks I might go to the zoo tomorrow. Huzzah for the annual pass! I'm getting better at learning how to mess with the focal length while misusing my telephoto zoom lens as a macro lens. If anybody cares to see them, the flower pictures from the July 6th zoo trip came out pretty awesomely. Whereas the previous trips ones were all blurry by the time the back of the bloom hit, now they have a fairly even spread focus-wise all the way across. Although I still ought to just save up and get a freaking macro lens, haha!
It's kinda weird how a movie can totally turn your life around, especially movies that you wouldn't expect to do it to you. I already feel good about myself when I'm in the US for Pokémon stuff - they people there appreciate me, I appreciate them, and I'm useful. Good times for all. But on the way home from Indianapolis - a trip that is normally a major downer for me (ew, back to real life), I watched She's Out Of My League. The best movie ever? Not so much. But for whatever reason, that movie is what made me, for the first time, completely accept that nobody will ever think I'm any good until I think I'm any good. Strange or not, it completely changed my outlook on things. I finally was jolted into accepted that I am pretty freaking awesome! I'm a nice guy, I'm caring, I'm a great listener, I have my funny stints, and I'm certainly not the most hideous looking guy out there (sure, not the most handsome, but I'm plenty acceptable!). Anyway, the point is, once I decided that I don't suck, I've been sooooo much happier! And with that newfound go-me!ness, that in turn has COMPLETELY nuked any porn urges I've had. Which makes sense, really - the only thing I ever got our of porn was feeling guilty, which was only "good" because that feeling trumped the feeling sad and lonely. Certainly not a good trade, but one I was (unfortunately) willing to make. But no more! Now that I feel awesome about me, there's no sadness to need to mask! Wednesday finished my 30th day of cold-turkey stopping watching porn. One month! Which just makes me feel even more awesome about myself!
So there you go, internet. There's your much-too-long-yet-strangely-uplifting (it better be! *fist shake*) update on how things have been going with me. For the first time in probably forever, I've had a complete, non-stop month of loving who I am. There's certainly thinks that can be tweaked still, totally. But for a change, it's not me loathing myself. :)
Although that said, I love having you five in my life to the extent that you are - I do sorta wish it was possible for me to know you all better.
Not much else new, really... 20 days until Hawaii! Woo! And with Hawaii comes getting to see Andrea and Cat and Thomas and Doreen again, chaching! I love them sooo much... I love everybody that I work National and International-level Pokémon tournaments with. They really are like a second family to me and I wish I could see them more than the twice a year that I do. Although I may get to go visit Andrea/Cat/Thomas again before US Nats next year, so that would be awesome if that does wind up working out.
Still nothing new on the girl front. That's ok though, really - it's not that I've finally become fully used to being alone, it's more that I've come to peace with that, quite frankly, I'm probably not in a state where I'm ready to be in a relationship yet (still). From the finances to the emotional maturity (or lack there of - I may be 25 in body, but to be brutally honestly I would still peg my emotional age at mid to late teens; should probably work on that), it's probably best that I'm single for the time being.
Unnamed friend #1 stopped talking to me again. Won't answer tweets, won't answer texts, won't answer Facebook messages. Rather depressing :( Hopefully it's just that her life has taken an upswing in busy, but I've learned to expect the worst in this sort of situation. Not fear it, just expect it. Once things like this are at a stage that's completely out of my hands, expecting the worst is the best way to not be disappointed in the results.
Ooooh, after the Hawaii trip, I'll have enough Aeroplan points for a free flight anywhere in continental North America. Randomly disappearing for a few weeks, here I come! I don't know where I'll go or what I'll do when I get there, but I honestly look forward to it. Fortunately now I'm not at a point anymore where I'll want people to think I'm dead, I'm instead at a point where I just won't care what they think for those two weeks (or however long I go for). It will be 100% Geoffrey time, so I can recharge my emotional batteries and just get away from everything and everyone. Some soul-searching time will do me good, I think.
Methinks I might go to the zoo tomorrow. Huzzah for the annual pass! I'm getting better at learning how to mess with the focal length while misusing my telephoto zoom lens as a macro lens. If anybody cares to see them, the flower pictures from the July 6th zoo trip came out pretty awesomely. Whereas the previous trips ones were all blurry by the time the back of the bloom hit, now they have a fairly even spread focus-wise all the way across. Although I still ought to just save up and get a freaking macro lens, haha!
It's kinda weird how a movie can totally turn your life around, especially movies that you wouldn't expect to do it to you. I already feel good about myself when I'm in the US for Pokémon stuff - they people there appreciate me, I appreciate them, and I'm useful. Good times for all. But on the way home from Indianapolis - a trip that is normally a major downer for me (ew, back to real life), I watched She's Out Of My League. The best movie ever? Not so much. But for whatever reason, that movie is what made me, for the first time, completely accept that nobody will ever think I'm any good until I think I'm any good. Strange or not, it completely changed my outlook on things. I finally was jolted into accepted that I am pretty freaking awesome! I'm a nice guy, I'm caring, I'm a great listener, I have my funny stints, and I'm certainly not the most hideous looking guy out there (sure, not the most handsome, but I'm plenty acceptable!). Anyway, the point is, once I decided that I don't suck, I've been sooooo much happier! And with that newfound go-me!ness, that in turn has COMPLETELY nuked any porn urges I've had. Which makes sense, really - the only thing I ever got our of porn was feeling guilty, which was only "good" because that feeling trumped the feeling sad and lonely. Certainly not a good trade, but one I was (unfortunately) willing to make. But no more! Now that I feel awesome about me, there's no sadness to need to mask! Wednesday finished my 30th day of cold-turkey stopping watching porn. One month! Which just makes me feel even more awesome about myself!
So there you go, internet. There's your much-too-long-yet-strangely-uplifting (it better be! *fist shake*) update on how things have been going with me. For the first time in probably forever, I've had a complete, non-stop month of loving who I am. There's certainly thinks that can be tweaked still, totally. But for a change, it's not me loathing myself. :)