*OLD FIC REMIX: The Parkinson Papers*
Okay, I was hoping to have Sinner C2 up tonight, but it isn’t back from beta yet, so have an old fic you’ve never seen while you wait.
This is exceedingly belated (by about 5 months, lol), but I lost my copy and only just remembered that there was one on the website. ^^;
This was my project for HP Remix back in May/June, and I was actually rather proud of it. ^_^
The Parkinson Papers
by S_Star
Disclaimer: This is a Harry Potter fanfic, ie. Rowling’s. The plot belongs to the talented Ruby-Kate, as do the character of Penny Parkinson and one or two sentences in the fic. I pretty much just own the computer. ^^;
Pairing: Pansy/Hermione, loosely - more so in the original.
Rating: PG
AN: This is not original fanfiction, but a remix of Love Letter by the amazingly wonderful rubykate: she deserves any and all credit.
And, rubykate, even though you've already read it: I hope this lives up to your expectations and that I haven’t massacred your fic or your characters too much! You’re an amazing writer and I’m honoured I got to scribble this for you.
The Parkinson Papers
Dear Penny,
Thanks for the advice, but I really don’t think I’ll start wearing red anytime soon: not only is it the Gryffindor colour, but I’m currently steering clear of any garment that remotely resembles Ginny Weasley.
Honestly, I don’t see why Draco’s become so fixated with her recently, or why he thinks I’d even care that Zabini apparently caught her making out with Loony Luna Lovegood last week.
I really don’t know what his problem is, but he’s barely tolerable at the best of times and if he keeps it up I’ll barely be able to restrain myself from casting Cruciatus.
Yours frustratedly,
Pansy
~
Dear Pansy,
Honey, I don’t see what’s so surprising about Draco’s lust for lesbians: every straight guy adores the idea of two girls together, and vice-versa. Why do you think I spend so much time with Marcus Flint?
If I were you I’d just be grateful he wasn’t arranging to go to any more dances with me.
Love, Penny
PS) If you’re not wearing red, at least tell me you’re not sticking with those awful dark robes: you ought to know, everyone’s terribly bored of black.
~
Dear Penny,
Thanks yet again, but I’m afraid to say that Draco has returned his attentions to me, although I suppose it is partially my fault: in his infinite wisdom, he suggested I write Potter a love note, and in view of your last letter, I suggested I send it to Granger instead. You remember I told you about Granger; the one whose hair is the only thing bigger than her ego.
He was, predictably enough, gleeful, but now I’m stuck with the task of composing a love letter for a bossy know-it-all who has so little sense that she used to date a WEASLEY - not the girl, I hasten to add.
Here’s what I’ve got so far:
Dearest Hermione,
Your hair is as brown as freshly laid shit,
Your eyes are exactly the same,
Oh, won’t you be mine?
You’re really divine,
And, since Weasley dumped you, fair game.
Draco informs me that it’s not ‘convincing’ enough. What do you think?
Yours annoyedly,
Pansy
PS) In a castle where the only person who wears bright colours is the insane headmaster, I think it’s probably safer for me to stick with what I always wear.
~
Dear Pansy,
Yes, I remember Granger. She was all over the Prophet a few years ago in some scandal about her sordid affair with Harry Potter, wasn’t she? I was just cringing at the photos; I do hope Mr Sleekeazy saw them and sent her over some free samples.
Speaking of, did you get last week’s ‘Teen Witch Weekly’? They had some free vouchers for samples of Sleekeazy’s number four potion for eradicating split ends. I’ve enclosed mine for you - I obviously have no need for the stuff - in case you ever decide to care about your appearance.
Love, Penny
PS) By the way, forget the plain clothes; everyone wears Muggle jeans nowadays. You should really start reading that magazine.
PPS) Really, suggesting that after what I told you? It seems I inherited the brains as well as the beauty.
~
Dear Penny,
Your advice was so muddled that it’s a miracle I actually understood any of it: all those hair potions must be seeping into your brain.
And, for your information, the situation with Granger is actually quite amusing: Draco seems to be completely infatuated with both Granger and myself, and I had a confrontation with her earlier in which she - the pinnacle of perfectly goodness - actually swore.
Seriously, Penny, this stupid dare’s actually yielding some positive results: you shouldn’t be so presumptuous; you’re not always right.
Yours smugly,
Pansy
PS) Muggle clothes? Are you sure you weren’t really a Hufflepuff at school?
~
Dear Pansy,
I don’t think you’re in any position to insult my fashion sense, honey; I was in wizarding Paris over the weekend. Does ‘fashion capital of the world’ mean nothing to you?
And as for how ‘amusing’ this little prank of yours is...well, I don’t think you’re laughing that hard inside, are you? I mean, I can understand your desire to prove me wrong; you’ve been trying ever since you were old enough to fly; but I do know what I’m talking about here and I think there’s a lot more to this than you’re letting on.
When you feel like telling me what’s REALLY going on, you know I’ll be around to advise you and give you a much-needed jinxing.
Love, Penny
PS) Remember I was a Prefect once (and, if I recall correctly, you are, too), and whenever you think about Miss Granger’s arrogance, think of all that Prefects’ privilege you’ve got: she’s only human, she’s got to appreciate the bathroom and midnight snacks that come with all that hideous responsibility.
~
Dear Penny,
This is probably a very bad idea, but before I start my standard tirade about you minding your own business, I have a question.
If you were I, would you willingly spend your time with the annoying, spiteful, arrogant, and completely immature Draco Malfoy? I know everyone thinks he’s some kind of Pureblood Adonis and perfect relationship material, but he can’t even smirk properly, he’s completely obsessed with lesbians, and he’s blowing this whole thing with Granger way out of proportion.
Merlin, he’s so completely infuriating about that; calling her my ‘lover girl’ and making lewd comments every time she walks into a room...I know that, to a certain extent, I brought this on myself, but is there any way I can just get this over with?
Yours infuriatedly,
Pansy
~
Dear Pansy,
A few points:
One: if I were you - Merlin forbid - the first thing I would do would be to borrow some of Daddy’s money from Gringotts and replace my entire wardrobe.
Two: just a question - does Draco still wear copious amounts of Sleekeazy styling gel in his hair? If so, my advice to you would be to stay as far away from him as possible.
Three: on the subject of hair, I just had a wonderful consultation with one of Mr Sleekeazy’s specially employed advisors. It cost a hell of a lot but was more than worth it, so I’ve put you on the waiting list. Maybe they’ll be able to help you with that dandruff problem.
And so to business. Honey, I would normally tell you that being so ‘infuriated’ with Draco is just a sign of a healthy relationship, but in this case, it’s most definitely not.
I’m afraid, dear sister, that the only way to make everything better is to hunt down Hermione Granger and just snog her already!
You’re driving me insane, and I can’t take anymore angst from you. Honestly, how to you expect me to be able to work and socialise and live my own life if you expect me to constantly be on call to solve your problems?
I don’t care that you have lesbian tendencies, I don’t even care that you’ll never get your hands on any of Malfoy’s money...I just care that you make yourself happy enough for me too be happy, too.
Love, Penny
PS) As annoying as you are, you’re still my sister, and I feel it’s my duty to inform you that leather is the new denim. Keep that in mind the next time you’re in Hogsmeade, okay?
~
When Penny finally received another letter from Pansy, she set down her royal purple quill and sighed in relief: her work here was done.
~fin~
This is exceedingly belated (by about 5 months, lol), but I lost my copy and only just remembered that there was one on the website. ^^;
This was my project for HP Remix back in May/June, and I was actually rather proud of it. ^_^
The Parkinson Papers
by S_Star
Disclaimer: This is a Harry Potter fanfic, ie. Rowling’s. The plot belongs to the talented Ruby-Kate, as do the character of Penny Parkinson and one or two sentences in the fic. I pretty much just own the computer. ^^;
Pairing: Pansy/Hermione, loosely - more so in the original.
Rating: PG
AN: This is not original fanfiction, but a remix of Love Letter by the amazingly wonderful rubykate: she deserves any and all credit.
And, rubykate, even though you've already read it: I hope this lives up to your expectations and that I haven’t massacred your fic or your characters too much! You’re an amazing writer and I’m honoured I got to scribble this for you.
The Parkinson Papers
Dear Penny,
Thanks for the advice, but I really don’t think I’ll start wearing red anytime soon: not only is it the Gryffindor colour, but I’m currently steering clear of any garment that remotely resembles Ginny Weasley.
Honestly, I don’t see why Draco’s become so fixated with her recently, or why he thinks I’d even care that Zabini apparently caught her making out with Loony Luna Lovegood last week.
I really don’t know what his problem is, but he’s barely tolerable at the best of times and if he keeps it up I’ll barely be able to restrain myself from casting Cruciatus.
Yours frustratedly,
Pansy
~
Dear Pansy,
Honey, I don’t see what’s so surprising about Draco’s lust for lesbians: every straight guy adores the idea of two girls together, and vice-versa. Why do you think I spend so much time with Marcus Flint?
If I were you I’d just be grateful he wasn’t arranging to go to any more dances with me.
Love, Penny
PS) If you’re not wearing red, at least tell me you’re not sticking with those awful dark robes: you ought to know, everyone’s terribly bored of black.
~
Dear Penny,
Thanks yet again, but I’m afraid to say that Draco has returned his attentions to me, although I suppose it is partially my fault: in his infinite wisdom, he suggested I write Potter a love note, and in view of your last letter, I suggested I send it to Granger instead. You remember I told you about Granger; the one whose hair is the only thing bigger than her ego.
He was, predictably enough, gleeful, but now I’m stuck with the task of composing a love letter for a bossy know-it-all who has so little sense that she used to date a WEASLEY - not the girl, I hasten to add.
Here’s what I’ve got so far:
Dearest Hermione,
Your hair is as brown as freshly laid shit,
Your eyes are exactly the same,
Oh, won’t you be mine?
You’re really divine,
And, since Weasley dumped you, fair game.
Draco informs me that it’s not ‘convincing’ enough. What do you think?
Yours annoyedly,
Pansy
PS) In a castle where the only person who wears bright colours is the insane headmaster, I think it’s probably safer for me to stick with what I always wear.
~
Dear Pansy,
Yes, I remember Granger. She was all over the Prophet a few years ago in some scandal about her sordid affair with Harry Potter, wasn’t she? I was just cringing at the photos; I do hope Mr Sleekeazy saw them and sent her over some free samples.
Speaking of, did you get last week’s ‘Teen Witch Weekly’? They had some free vouchers for samples of Sleekeazy’s number four potion for eradicating split ends. I’ve enclosed mine for you - I obviously have no need for the stuff - in case you ever decide to care about your appearance.
Love, Penny
PS) By the way, forget the plain clothes; everyone wears Muggle jeans nowadays. You should really start reading that magazine.
PPS) Really, suggesting that after what I told you? It seems I inherited the brains as well as the beauty.
~
Dear Penny,
Your advice was so muddled that it’s a miracle I actually understood any of it: all those hair potions must be seeping into your brain.
And, for your information, the situation with Granger is actually quite amusing: Draco seems to be completely infatuated with both Granger and myself, and I had a confrontation with her earlier in which she - the pinnacle of perfectly goodness - actually swore.
Seriously, Penny, this stupid dare’s actually yielding some positive results: you shouldn’t be so presumptuous; you’re not always right.
Yours smugly,
Pansy
PS) Muggle clothes? Are you sure you weren’t really a Hufflepuff at school?
~
Dear Pansy,
I don’t think you’re in any position to insult my fashion sense, honey; I was in wizarding Paris over the weekend. Does ‘fashion capital of the world’ mean nothing to you?
And as for how ‘amusing’ this little prank of yours is...well, I don’t think you’re laughing that hard inside, are you? I mean, I can understand your desire to prove me wrong; you’ve been trying ever since you were old enough to fly; but I do know what I’m talking about here and I think there’s a lot more to this than you’re letting on.
When you feel like telling me what’s REALLY going on, you know I’ll be around to advise you and give you a much-needed jinxing.
Love, Penny
PS) Remember I was a Prefect once (and, if I recall correctly, you are, too), and whenever you think about Miss Granger’s arrogance, think of all that Prefects’ privilege you’ve got: she’s only human, she’s got to appreciate the bathroom and midnight snacks that come with all that hideous responsibility.
~
Dear Penny,
This is probably a very bad idea, but before I start my standard tirade about you minding your own business, I have a question.
If you were I, would you willingly spend your time with the annoying, spiteful, arrogant, and completely immature Draco Malfoy? I know everyone thinks he’s some kind of Pureblood Adonis and perfect relationship material, but he can’t even smirk properly, he’s completely obsessed with lesbians, and he’s blowing this whole thing with Granger way out of proportion.
Merlin, he’s so completely infuriating about that; calling her my ‘lover girl’ and making lewd comments every time she walks into a room...I know that, to a certain extent, I brought this on myself, but is there any way I can just get this over with?
Yours infuriatedly,
Pansy
~
Dear Pansy,
A few points:
One: if I were you - Merlin forbid - the first thing I would do would be to borrow some of Daddy’s money from Gringotts and replace my entire wardrobe.
Two: just a question - does Draco still wear copious amounts of Sleekeazy styling gel in his hair? If so, my advice to you would be to stay as far away from him as possible.
Three: on the subject of hair, I just had a wonderful consultation with one of Mr Sleekeazy’s specially employed advisors. It cost a hell of a lot but was more than worth it, so I’ve put you on the waiting list. Maybe they’ll be able to help you with that dandruff problem.
And so to business. Honey, I would normally tell you that being so ‘infuriated’ with Draco is just a sign of a healthy relationship, but in this case, it’s most definitely not.
I’m afraid, dear sister, that the only way to make everything better is to hunt down Hermione Granger and just snog her already!
You’re driving me insane, and I can’t take anymore angst from you. Honestly, how to you expect me to be able to work and socialise and live my own life if you expect me to constantly be on call to solve your problems?
I don’t care that you have lesbian tendencies, I don’t even care that you’ll never get your hands on any of Malfoy’s money...I just care that you make yourself happy enough for me too be happy, too.
Love, Penny
PS) As annoying as you are, you’re still my sister, and I feel it’s my duty to inform you that leather is the new denim. Keep that in mind the next time you’re in Hogsmeade, okay?
~
When Penny finally received another letter from Pansy, she set down her royal purple quill and sighed in relief: her work here was done.
~fin~