an actual email to my mom from my sister kim:
my parents are away for a week for a business vacation sort of thing, and we've taken full advantage of it. here's a copy of a legit email my sister sent to my mom today. i was laughing my ass off so hard that i was crying when i read it. everything you are about to read is true. (btw, molly is our dog.)
Hi, Mom! It's Kim and Mollly. It is 2 oclock in
the afternoon, and I'm DRUNK! Yeahhh!! Woooot! I'm
just kidding. My typing wouldn't be legible if that
were true. Molly's been a crackhead as always. We had
the sickest party last night! We were careful and no
one died.
Rachel spilled her wine on your tablecloth. I am
dreadfully sorry. Lisa is confident that the stain
will be nonexistant. The drummer of a kind of well
known band was here. Rachel broke his glasses on the
kitchen floor. (That, too, was an accident.) The
drummer also ripped his pants on the deck chair. His
whole ass was hanging out, revealing the tacky greyish
boxer briefs he had decided to grace us with.
Lynne invited dumb 16 year olds over. They decided
it was a good idea to sit in their car, next to the
brook, with the car light on, smoking a bowl of
marijuana, and playing "Get out of the car as much as
you can but also slam the door as hard as possible
while you're at it," game. I got my ass outside,
strutted my shit down to the car, took a wiff, a nice
deep smell arose from the car. Crickey! That is some
dank nug! I yelled at the accomlises and told them
that they were disrespecting my family and my
neighbors. I bitched for a minute more because let's
face it, I'm a cunt! The children then left, I had
told them to leave. They truly felt frightened,
threatened. They apologized repeatedly. I did a great
job. I chugged a beer after that one. I felt like a
champion!
Like 5 of us decideed to make chip dip from
scratch. It included BBQ sauce, honey mustard,
shredded mozzerella cheese, and Jack Daniels Whiskey.
It was mmm mmmm good! Sergey got shitfaced and Lynne's
friend Mike was hitting on him. Dana had his turn
tables, but don't worry we kept it quiet. ( No, really
I made sure it would be quiet.) I found glowsticks in
my room and everyone was trying it. Everyone thought
it was awesome and a good work out. Rachel has bruises
in the shape on a glowstick all over her body.
Apparently she REALLY got into it.
These two sketchy guys asked Lisa for permission to
bump a line of cocaine on the counter. Lisa's witty
remark was, "Are you fucking kidding me?" We then got
the bouncer to remove the what I would like to call,
children, out of the establishment. Kirsten is a great
bouncer, who isn't afraid of a butch dyke!? Speaking
of Kirsten... Mom, what I'm about to tell you is
tragic. Brace yourself. ( God I hope you're sitting
down.) Kirsten's bracelet got caught on a latch of
some sort and now the microwave is on it's death bed.
Don't worry he is comfortable but he is not expected
to live through the night. He's in our prayers. We'll
keep you posted.
Lindsay has told me she loves me about 25 times
since you've been gone. She also decided to follow in
the Anti-Christ's footsteps by saying "I hate you
Kimmie, you're fake!". This of course makes me Christ
The Almighty. I talked to Lindsay about it and she
apologized but proceeded to say that I'm fake a second
time a day later. She hasn't said it today... ::
knocks on wood ::
Lisa's throat is doing great aside from a
hiccoughing fit. She's definitely all fucked up. Today
she stormed out of the house because she thought she
forgot to take Lindsay out of the car. It was quite
humorous because we had just, just just dropped
Lindsay off at Nana's house 3 minutes prior.
My broken hand is doing fabulously. I owe $100 in
copays to BE SEEN by doctors. This fee does not
include anything other than BEING SEEN. I can't wait
for the bills! Speaking of bills, WHY DID YOU NOT
LEAVE US ANY MONEY?!!?!? Or cigarettes for that
matter!! This brings tears to Lisa's eyes because she
has to pay for everything. But anyways, about the bill
thing. My retainer broke last night when I was eating
an American Sub from Kipo's. Shall I sue them? I
called Dr. Kravitz's office this morning around 8:30.
He is on vacation. Luckily with my hangover I had
enough insistance to find some way to fix my anti-hick
puzzle piece. Lisa drove me to Peabody to some
basement laboratory where a 60 year old man fixed my
retainer with 35 minutes of his time, while I watched
7th Heaven with his wife. They were very nice people.
She took me in the other room to show me her lizard.
It has lived past it's life expectancy. How
supernatural!
It was an ominous day. Lisa and Sergey backed down
the also ominous driveway because Lynne needed a ride
home. Lisa was obviously fucked up and failed to
proceed down the driveway in a straight line. She ran
over the rocks at the bottom of the hill, dragged the
rocks across the street and backed up into Janice's
car. Good times.
Molly has been so good, Mom. She got loose once,
but that's not very uncommon. When I asked Molly not
to bark she listened. I allowed her to growl but
nothing more. She was a very good pup. Everyone loves
her and she's a bigger attention whore than the
Anti-Christ. (Lynne)
Lisa and I are going food shopping. I am going to
make dinner assuming anyone will eat it. It was good
talking with you Mom even though this is a one way
conversation. I hope I amused you because that was my
intention. Don't worry, we're doing well and we're
being safer than you probably think. Lots of Love! I
hope you two are having an amazing time.
Kimberly xo<3
Hi, Mom! It's Kim and Mollly. It is 2 oclock in
the afternoon, and I'm DRUNK! Yeahhh!! Woooot! I'm
just kidding. My typing wouldn't be legible if that
were true. Molly's been a crackhead as always. We had
the sickest party last night! We were careful and no
one died.
Rachel spilled her wine on your tablecloth. I am
dreadfully sorry. Lisa is confident that the stain
will be nonexistant. The drummer of a kind of well
known band was here. Rachel broke his glasses on the
kitchen floor. (That, too, was an accident.) The
drummer also ripped his pants on the deck chair. His
whole ass was hanging out, revealing the tacky greyish
boxer briefs he had decided to grace us with.
Lynne invited dumb 16 year olds over. They decided
it was a good idea to sit in their car, next to the
brook, with the car light on, smoking a bowl of
marijuana, and playing "Get out of the car as much as
you can but also slam the door as hard as possible
while you're at it," game. I got my ass outside,
strutted my shit down to the car, took a wiff, a nice
deep smell arose from the car. Crickey! That is some
dank nug! I yelled at the accomlises and told them
that they were disrespecting my family and my
neighbors. I bitched for a minute more because let's
face it, I'm a cunt! The children then left, I had
told them to leave. They truly felt frightened,
threatened. They apologized repeatedly. I did a great
job. I chugged a beer after that one. I felt like a
champion!
Like 5 of us decideed to make chip dip from
scratch. It included BBQ sauce, honey mustard,
shredded mozzerella cheese, and Jack Daniels Whiskey.
It was mmm mmmm good! Sergey got shitfaced and Lynne's
friend Mike was hitting on him. Dana had his turn
tables, but don't worry we kept it quiet. ( No, really
I made sure it would be quiet.) I found glowsticks in
my room and everyone was trying it. Everyone thought
it was awesome and a good work out. Rachel has bruises
in the shape on a glowstick all over her body.
Apparently she REALLY got into it.
These two sketchy guys asked Lisa for permission to
bump a line of cocaine on the counter. Lisa's witty
remark was, "Are you fucking kidding me?" We then got
the bouncer to remove the what I would like to call,
children, out of the establishment. Kirsten is a great
bouncer, who isn't afraid of a butch dyke!? Speaking
of Kirsten... Mom, what I'm about to tell you is
tragic. Brace yourself. ( God I hope you're sitting
down.) Kirsten's bracelet got caught on a latch of
some sort and now the microwave is on it's death bed.
Don't worry he is comfortable but he is not expected
to live through the night. He's in our prayers. We'll
keep you posted.
Lindsay has told me she loves me about 25 times
since you've been gone. She also decided to follow in
the Anti-Christ's footsteps by saying "I hate you
Kimmie, you're fake!". This of course makes me Christ
The Almighty. I talked to Lindsay about it and she
apologized but proceeded to say that I'm fake a second
time a day later. She hasn't said it today... ::
knocks on wood ::
Lisa's throat is doing great aside from a
hiccoughing fit. She's definitely all fucked up. Today
she stormed out of the house because she thought she
forgot to take Lindsay out of the car. It was quite
humorous because we had just, just just dropped
Lindsay off at Nana's house 3 minutes prior.
My broken hand is doing fabulously. I owe $100 in
copays to BE SEEN by doctors. This fee does not
include anything other than BEING SEEN. I can't wait
for the bills! Speaking of bills, WHY DID YOU NOT
LEAVE US ANY MONEY?!!?!? Or cigarettes for that
matter!! This brings tears to Lisa's eyes because she
has to pay for everything. But anyways, about the bill
thing. My retainer broke last night when I was eating
an American Sub from Kipo's. Shall I sue them? I
called Dr. Kravitz's office this morning around 8:30.
He is on vacation. Luckily with my hangover I had
enough insistance to find some way to fix my anti-hick
puzzle piece. Lisa drove me to Peabody to some
basement laboratory where a 60 year old man fixed my
retainer with 35 minutes of his time, while I watched
7th Heaven with his wife. They were very nice people.
She took me in the other room to show me her lizard.
It has lived past it's life expectancy. How
supernatural!
It was an ominous day. Lisa and Sergey backed down
the also ominous driveway because Lynne needed a ride
home. Lisa was obviously fucked up and failed to
proceed down the driveway in a straight line. She ran
over the rocks at the bottom of the hill, dragged the
rocks across the street and backed up into Janice's
car. Good times.
Molly has been so good, Mom. She got loose once,
but that's not very uncommon. When I asked Molly not
to bark she listened. I allowed her to growl but
nothing more. She was a very good pup. Everyone loves
her and she's a bigger attention whore than the
Anti-Christ. (Lynne)
Lisa and I are going food shopping. I am going to
make dinner assuming anyone will eat it. It was good
talking with you Mom even though this is a one way
conversation. I hope I amused you because that was my
intention. Don't worry, we're doing well and we're
being safer than you probably think. Lots of Love! I
hope you two are having an amazing time.
Kimberly xo<3