the good fight.

[astaticgirl]

I made it through a whole semester alive. I feel like so much has changed in me in one semester and I'm not sure rather to attribute it to personal growth or therapy or pride. There's pride to be found when you do something really challenging. I don't know that I've done much ever that was really challenging, besides conquering (for the most part) the part of me that threatened to destroy me, once. I do things that are logically difficult and stressful, but not challenging. I draw some sort of differentiation. I went in totally unprepared again, I went in knowing nothing about sociology, perpetually the youngest...graduating high school, entering college, entering the Ph.D. Perpetually the fireball, because I have to be to get by, and here I am coming out and I did okay after all, I managed to try some new things and conquer some fears and come out in one piece, I managed to climb and to go back to therapy and accept that maybe I have to stop trying so hard to be something unattainable that I feel I *should* be, maybe I can accept that I'm still looking for whatever is me and it will ebb and flow, ebb and flow, and I can just wander along. I taught and I taught well. I learned and I produced and I made new friends and took advantage of their presence.

I'm loosening that white-knuckled grip that's so afraid to fail, and finding this voice, and tuning it. I'm trying. And I'm so proud of myself, honestly. It's all a fight but I'm making it such a good fight.