rushing out.

[astaticgirl]

the water always fills up the tub as i'm getting myself off, because i'm lying on the drain. this time, i come just as the level rises above my ears, and underwater i hear my own harsh breathing as i go, and have a moment where i'm drowning and seeing at the same time, something new. i would like to come as i die, come as i go. i wonder if anyone ever felt that? coming as you go, coming and then going, coming and going, coming.

this halloween i do nothing but i feel sad, because it's still my favorite holiday. i give candy to my students, to my trick or treaters, to my classmates and roommates. i spend a fortune on candy. i don't eat much of it, though. i itch for a soup and pastry from au bon pain but even the five minutes' drive is too long.

i slowly grow a skin and it is philosophy, as i plan for what now. the courses for next year are seven million times an improvement over now so i in the end hope i can stay, to try them out. i am hard still, somewhere. i am breathing. i am knowing, that it's not my fault, that something can not be my place but that doesn't make me lesser, that all this just maybe isn't a value judgment. i stabilize. and i write.

and i breathe. i rush out of myself like water down the drain.

oh, oh, take it all back, take your first, your last, your only.

take it all back, take it all back, everything you showed me.

this must be how it feels when the feeling goes.