(no subject)
s been so long since i've posted in here.
my emotions and thoughts have been so all over the place lately that i guess i'm scared to post how i really feel in a public place.
but maybe who cares.
i've started babysitting some for this family. i have to say that it is such a joy, and almost a relief and vacation from my life. they live in this huge, gorgeous, beautiful house in belle meade. they are 11, 7, and 4. picking will up from football with the othe rtwo kids in tow..i feel like a soccer mom. ha. but my favorite part is reading to them at night with them curled up beside me. and then just sitting in the quietness of the huge house all by myself on the couch. it's peaceful.
but in real life, i honestly feel so just...rough around the edges. hard. sometimes soft...
bitter maybe? yes. distrusting? yes.
there are times i feel alive. and times i feel dead.
i feel sometimes that all i am passionate about is sealed over and locked into this box hidden somewhere in my body. and it gets heavier and heavier day by day.
dragging me along.
"when you run, you drag it all behind" (s. mccracken)
but am i running? maybe i just can't find the key.
maybe there is so much filth and dirt in this body that i can't find the hidden box..sealed over with my fear.
what??? does this even make any sense????
i don't know.
i'm just typing along.
i have to also be honest and say that i struggle lately with my faith.
i'm not real sure how to elaborate on that , but maybe i will later.
i mean, i know what i believe...i am just having a hard time trusting.
my birthday is coming up. over labor day weekend. well, close to it...i would loovveeee to go to the beach again...
my emotions and thoughts have been so all over the place lately that i guess i'm scared to post how i really feel in a public place.
but maybe who cares.
i've started babysitting some for this family. i have to say that it is such a joy, and almost a relief and vacation from my life. they live in this huge, gorgeous, beautiful house in belle meade. they are 11, 7, and 4. picking will up from football with the othe rtwo kids in tow..i feel like a soccer mom. ha. but my favorite part is reading to them at night with them curled up beside me. and then just sitting in the quietness of the huge house all by myself on the couch. it's peaceful.
but in real life, i honestly feel so just...rough around the edges. hard. sometimes soft...
bitter maybe? yes. distrusting? yes.
there are times i feel alive. and times i feel dead.
i feel sometimes that all i am passionate about is sealed over and locked into this box hidden somewhere in my body. and it gets heavier and heavier day by day.
dragging me along.
"when you run, you drag it all behind" (s. mccracken)
but am i running? maybe i just can't find the key.
maybe there is so much filth and dirt in this body that i can't find the hidden box..sealed over with my fear.
what??? does this even make any sense????
i don't know.
i'm just typing along.
i have to also be honest and say that i struggle lately with my faith.
i'm not real sure how to elaborate on that , but maybe i will later.
i mean, i know what i believe...i am just having a hard time trusting.
my birthday is coming up. over labor day weekend. well, close to it...i would loovveeee to go to the beach again...