Fuck drugs...
So let me tell you the story of the day I quit. ..
It all started off just like any other day, Jan and I got up nice and early and drove out to Venice beach for a nice relaxing day of producing. We were to meet Elizabeth at her apartment and do some more work on the contact list and the script. At some point during the day the subject of weed came up and I didn't object. So Elizabeth tells us that she is all out and that we would have to chip in so naturally, we passed! Thinking I was just going to have to do without I went back to work on the prop list. So I am sitting there minding my own business when out of no where Elizabeth happens upon enough weed to make a tiny bowl for me and Jan and a tiny one for herself. So she hands us the pipe and I proceed to take a big hit (cause I thought I was a big girl) and Jan simply takes my leftover smoke. So I figure that one hit was enough and I go back to work. Will I am sitting there minding my own business my heart decided that it is going to speed up a little. Noticing that my heart is pounding at and insane rate I tell Elizabeth that there is weed left in our pipe and that she can have it...but she has her own pipe. Interesting...you didn't have any weed two minutes ago, and now you have enough to make two bowls...
This is where my nightmare begins...My heart decides to speed up even more, and my brain starts to think that my heart is doing too much. The word heart attack comes into mind a few times. And if that wasn't bad enough the room starts to spin, get smaller, and drastically darker...and so I decide that Elizabeth has drugged us and is going to kill us. So I convinced myself to get the hell out of her apartment...now, while I am talking myself into getting out I have to keep repeating the directions over and over in my head because my mind is going a million miles per hour and when I first decided to leave I forgot at least 5 times before I actually got out. So I start to direct myself "get up and go" I stand, then sit back down "get your stuff and get up and go" I start to pack up everything and decide on what to say "tell her you have to get some air" I stand and tell her my plan. As I am walking out I motion to Jan to follow...he doesn't get it. As I am walking down her stairs and into the world I find it is very difficult to walk...I feel as if I am going to pass out any second and I can't breathe. My thoughts are running all over the place and I am twitching so much that I fear the cops will notice and arrest me. So again my brain is going crazy "I have to leave" "just go to your car and sit there" "get far away" "Jan needs to get out" "walk to the car" "walk to the car" "walk to the car" I was in hell. As I am walking to my car I struggle to take my phone out of my purse and I look at my phone like it is something I have never seen before...I have no idea how to dial! I finally figure it out after forcing myself to concentrate and I call Jan, frantic, and tell him to get out of the house. As I am standing at the stop light waiting to cross the street I am looking at all the people around me and thinking that they are all in on "it" and that they are all trying to kill me. I start to inch away from the guys that are standing next to me because I am afraid they will kidnapp me and take me back to the apartment. I start to flinch as one of them gets closer and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I really think I might die at this point. Then Jan comes running out without his things and I beg him to go back and get his things and leave. I am really worried that he will go into the apartment but won't come back and so I start to beat myself up over the fact that I have just sent my best friend to his death. But there is nothing I can do. I finally make it to my car and I struggle for what felt like an eternity to get my car unlocked, and when I finally did I opened every door, sat down and then decided I didn't want to sit there and got up and went to another door. I finally settled on sitting in the drivers seat just in case I had to "get away," which I knew I was not capable of doing anyway. While I am sitting there I can't stop shaking and moving. My twitching is getting bigger, my eyes are darting from one thing to another, and my mind won't focus on anything. "I need to call someone so they know where I was incase I die" "Who would I trust to tell this to?" "Who is going to calm me down" "They have to know where I was" "The cops will want to know" "I want them to catch her if she kills us" And so I called Celeste...I know I was being crazy on the phone but my logic was that if I did die at least someone knew where I was at!!! After a while of talking to her I think I started to calm down because I was able to have regular conversation. And I told her I was being a Live Journal entry!!! hehe.
Celeste suggested I go for a walk because that would sober me up a bit, so we did that. At this point I was still very jumpy and paranoid but it wasn't nearly as bad. So Jan and I walked on Venice beach for a couple of hours (my timetable might be off cause time does that when you are out of it) and I was feeling a tiny bit better. While we were walking on the bike path a man on a bike came up behind us and I was so paranoid that everyone was out to get me that I flinched and almost jumped out of the way of what I thought was a bike coming towards me at full speed! So we kept walking, got some water that I desparately needed and I was still feeling high, but better.
So now I thought I may be ok to drive and I drove about two blocks and we both wanted to puke so I pulled over. I am starting to feel really nauseous and I am getting a headache, which is something I never feel with weed. And I am really questioning what was in that pipe. I feel sick, terrible I couldn't believe that I lost control that way. I was trying so very hard to sober up but I could not, no matter what I did. I stayed high...like, not just buzzed...but out of my mind HIGH for at least 4 hours, maybe longer. And after that I was still feeling it, I just regained control.
It was seriously one of the most frightening things that has ever happened to me and I did not like that feeling of helplessness. I am just happy Jan was there and didn't smoke as much cause I don't know that I could have handled that on my own. I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die when I was walking to my car. And I thought that everyone in Venice beach was in on this plan to kill us! It was terrible. I have never felt so violated. Jan and I were talking about it today and at the same time we both said "I feel as though I have been raped" It is a strong analogy but it is the one we saw fit. Its like we lost our ability to trust and our self control that day. It was and still is very depressing, and it makes me question some things. Even if it wasn't laced with anything, why wouldn't she warn us of how strong it was? And since when does weed make you feel the way I did? She advised us to hold it in for 20 seconds...why the fuck. ..!?! I am sure she is just a hippy with the intent of making us happy with good weed, but she made me feel like I was losing my mind, and it wasn't fun. I talked to her today about what was in that pipe and she said it was the same stuff that I had smoked a week prior to hanging out with her...It makes me wonder.
I don't think we will be going back over there to finish that movie with her. .. better to be safe than sorry. I really don't want to be a drama queen, but something just doesn't feel right. ..
It all started off just like any other day, Jan and I got up nice and early and drove out to Venice beach for a nice relaxing day of producing. We were to meet Elizabeth at her apartment and do some more work on the contact list and the script. At some point during the day the subject of weed came up and I didn't object. So Elizabeth tells us that she is all out and that we would have to chip in so naturally, we passed! Thinking I was just going to have to do without I went back to work on the prop list. So I am sitting there minding my own business when out of no where Elizabeth happens upon enough weed to make a tiny bowl for me and Jan and a tiny one for herself. So she hands us the pipe and I proceed to take a big hit (cause I thought I was a big girl) and Jan simply takes my leftover smoke. So I figure that one hit was enough and I go back to work. Will I am sitting there minding my own business my heart decided that it is going to speed up a little. Noticing that my heart is pounding at and insane rate I tell Elizabeth that there is weed left in our pipe and that she can have it...but she has her own pipe. Interesting...you didn't have any weed two minutes ago, and now you have enough to make two bowls...
This is where my nightmare begins...My heart decides to speed up even more, and my brain starts to think that my heart is doing too much. The word heart attack comes into mind a few times. And if that wasn't bad enough the room starts to spin, get smaller, and drastically darker...and so I decide that Elizabeth has drugged us and is going to kill us. So I convinced myself to get the hell out of her apartment...now, while I am talking myself into getting out I have to keep repeating the directions over and over in my head because my mind is going a million miles per hour and when I first decided to leave I forgot at least 5 times before I actually got out. So I start to direct myself "get up and go" I stand, then sit back down "get your stuff and get up and go" I start to pack up everything and decide on what to say "tell her you have to get some air" I stand and tell her my plan. As I am walking out I motion to Jan to follow...he doesn't get it. As I am walking down her stairs and into the world I find it is very difficult to walk...I feel as if I am going to pass out any second and I can't breathe. My thoughts are running all over the place and I am twitching so much that I fear the cops will notice and arrest me. So again my brain is going crazy "I have to leave" "just go to your car and sit there" "get far away" "Jan needs to get out" "walk to the car" "walk to the car" "walk to the car" I was in hell. As I am walking to my car I struggle to take my phone out of my purse and I look at my phone like it is something I have never seen before...I have no idea how to dial! I finally figure it out after forcing myself to concentrate and I call Jan, frantic, and tell him to get out of the house. As I am standing at the stop light waiting to cross the street I am looking at all the people around me and thinking that they are all in on "it" and that they are all trying to kill me. I start to inch away from the guys that are standing next to me because I am afraid they will kidnapp me and take me back to the apartment. I start to flinch as one of them gets closer and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I really think I might die at this point. Then Jan comes running out without his things and I beg him to go back and get his things and leave. I am really worried that he will go into the apartment but won't come back and so I start to beat myself up over the fact that I have just sent my best friend to his death. But there is nothing I can do. I finally make it to my car and I struggle for what felt like an eternity to get my car unlocked, and when I finally did I opened every door, sat down and then decided I didn't want to sit there and got up and went to another door. I finally settled on sitting in the drivers seat just in case I had to "get away," which I knew I was not capable of doing anyway. While I am sitting there I can't stop shaking and moving. My twitching is getting bigger, my eyes are darting from one thing to another, and my mind won't focus on anything. "I need to call someone so they know where I was incase I die" "Who would I trust to tell this to?" "Who is going to calm me down" "They have to know where I was" "The cops will want to know" "I want them to catch her if she kills us" And so I called Celeste...I know I was being crazy on the phone but my logic was that if I did die at least someone knew where I was at!!! After a while of talking to her I think I started to calm down because I was able to have regular conversation. And I told her I was being a Live Journal entry!!! hehe.
Celeste suggested I go for a walk because that would sober me up a bit, so we did that. At this point I was still very jumpy and paranoid but it wasn't nearly as bad. So Jan and I walked on Venice beach for a couple of hours (my timetable might be off cause time does that when you are out of it) and I was feeling a tiny bit better. While we were walking on the bike path a man on a bike came up behind us and I was so paranoid that everyone was out to get me that I flinched and almost jumped out of the way of what I thought was a bike coming towards me at full speed! So we kept walking, got some water that I desparately needed and I was still feeling high, but better.
So now I thought I may be ok to drive and I drove about two blocks and we both wanted to puke so I pulled over. I am starting to feel really nauseous and I am getting a headache, which is something I never feel with weed. And I am really questioning what was in that pipe. I feel sick, terrible I couldn't believe that I lost control that way. I was trying so very hard to sober up but I could not, no matter what I did. I stayed high...like, not just buzzed...but out of my mind HIGH for at least 4 hours, maybe longer. And after that I was still feeling it, I just regained control.
It was seriously one of the most frightening things that has ever happened to me and I did not like that feeling of helplessness. I am just happy Jan was there and didn't smoke as much cause I don't know that I could have handled that on my own. I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die when I was walking to my car. And I thought that everyone in Venice beach was in on this plan to kill us! It was terrible. I have never felt so violated. Jan and I were talking about it today and at the same time we both said "I feel as though I have been raped" It is a strong analogy but it is the one we saw fit. Its like we lost our ability to trust and our self control that day. It was and still is very depressing, and it makes me question some things. Even if it wasn't laced with anything, why wouldn't she warn us of how strong it was? And since when does weed make you feel the way I did? She advised us to hold it in for 20 seconds...why the fuck. ..!?! I am sure she is just a hippy with the intent of making us happy with good weed, but she made me feel like I was losing my mind, and it wasn't fun. I talked to her today about what was in that pipe and she said it was the same stuff that I had smoked a week prior to hanging out with her...It makes me wonder.
I don't think we will be going back over there to finish that movie with her. .. better to be safe than sorry. I really don't want to be a drama queen, but something just doesn't feel right. ..