the rest is unwritten
I'm not close to my family. I rarely talk about them because the thought of our situation brings me back so much pain and animosity. I was always the black sheep. I never had a hero growing up and never looked up to my parents... in fact, their mistakes fueled my motivation to be better. They set a par for me to blow out of the water. Always have, always will.
It dawned on me today, that Taylor was that hero for me. He was that rock that never budged. He was that security I never had. He accepted me. Loved me for everything I was and everything I wasn't. But when it came time for me to grow on my own, the emotional connection we had bonded was harder to let go than I had ever imagined. He and I hit so many landmarks in our lives together. Four years is a long time. The more he pushed me away, the more I realized what I had to do. I had wanted this for so long.
Yeah, I fucked up. Yeah, I have issues. But it could have been A LOT worse. I have a lot to figure out and I do not foresee this taking any shorter than a year... and by then I'll be on the other side of the country. Apart of me is giving up and the other part of me gave up a long time ago. I feel like the plane running on its fuel tank with the "check jet engine" light on.
Apart of me doesn't want to look back. It hurts too much to look back. But rather, to look forward and concentrate on my wants in life. I want to pursue my medical degree. I want to start designing my own line of clothing, and possibly take some design classes on the side. I want to take a cooking class. I want a fucking tan! I want to be healthy again. I want to take yoga and chakra cleansing classes. I want to go to Hostel in the Trees. I want a Tea Cup Yorki named Miso. I want to visit europe for 3 months. I want to live on my own... by myself... in a city where no one knows my name. I want to be a normal 21 year old. I want to make mistakes. I want to attain goals. I want to be a strong independent woman with no one to answer to but herself.
I know I eventually want you in my future--because love prevails, and this love will NEVER die. But I don't expect you to wait for me to come around. You're going to fall in love again, and it's going to kill me... but that's life. This was my choice and I'm standing by it. I'm lonely, but that's alright. 'Cause when you have no one, you have yourself.... which is the most important bond you could ever have.
A GREAT woman once said: "The risk to remain tight in the bud was MORE painful, than the risk it took to BLOSSOM."
and blossom I will.
Hello world, here I come.
It dawned on me today, that Taylor was that hero for me. He was that rock that never budged. He was that security I never had. He accepted me. Loved me for everything I was and everything I wasn't. But when it came time for me to grow on my own, the emotional connection we had bonded was harder to let go than I had ever imagined. He and I hit so many landmarks in our lives together. Four years is a long time. The more he pushed me away, the more I realized what I had to do. I had wanted this for so long.
Yeah, I fucked up. Yeah, I have issues. But it could have been A LOT worse. I have a lot to figure out and I do not foresee this taking any shorter than a year... and by then I'll be on the other side of the country. Apart of me is giving up and the other part of me gave up a long time ago. I feel like the plane running on its fuel tank with the "check jet engine" light on.
Apart of me doesn't want to look back. It hurts too much to look back. But rather, to look forward and concentrate on my wants in life. I want to pursue my medical degree. I want to start designing my own line of clothing, and possibly take some design classes on the side. I want to take a cooking class. I want a fucking tan! I want to be healthy again. I want to take yoga and chakra cleansing classes. I want to go to Hostel in the Trees. I want a Tea Cup Yorki named Miso. I want to visit europe for 3 months. I want to live on my own... by myself... in a city where no one knows my name. I want to be a normal 21 year old. I want to make mistakes. I want to attain goals. I want to be a strong independent woman with no one to answer to but herself.
I know I eventually want you in my future--because love prevails, and this love will NEVER die. But I don't expect you to wait for me to come around. You're going to fall in love again, and it's going to kill me... but that's life. This was my choice and I'm standing by it. I'm lonely, but that's alright. 'Cause when you have no one, you have yourself.... which is the most important bond you could ever have.
A GREAT woman once said: "The risk to remain tight in the bud was MORE painful, than the risk it took to BLOSSOM."
and blossom I will.
Hello world, here I come.