shwew...
i dont even know where to begin with these feelings I have.
I had tried so many times to be good to you. To show you that I loved you. Cleaned after you, made you dinner, washed your clothes... for financial stability? for money? You were paying me to do these things? Paying me to love you? You would have rather have given me something to shut me up rather than to actually show me how much you loved me. Why? Who knows. Because I was never pretty enough for you. I never wore the right outfit. You say now all your comments were out of jealousy but I still say they were said with pure honesty.
But I tried. I tried speaking up... on more than four occasions. You just weren't willing to listen. Sure I didn't have a backbone, but how could you when the person you love more than anything in this world, is hurt by what you say? All I ever wanted to do was make others happy, and when I make them upset, it really brings me down. I was so miserable for so long. Torn between loving you, respecting you, providing for you and being completely honest with you with how your actions were making me feel. I'm still hurt. I repressed so many feelings, I was numb to ever being truly happy... And I would justify everything you did, with the fact that deep down in your heart, you loved me so much.
But it's really disheartening when the one time my voice spoke loud was when my actions spoke louder. It was only then that you finally realized all of what you had done. All you could loose.
I don't even fathom the thought of living in California or Massachusetts because you never had anything nice to say about them. I don't wear certain clothing because you always told me how unattractive it was on a women's body and that my body type wouldn't work with that type of outfit. You use to be one of my main inspirations when I use to paint, and you, an artist by occupation and by hobby, only had a painting that influenced me once...in four years. None of your hobbies included me, when mine always did. I didn't go to Otis because I knew you were the one. The main reason I wanted to become a doctor was so I could provide for you, make you proud to be with me. The house I found for us, i purposefully picked so it would be a block from where you worked.... because you said you didn't want to live in winter park, where living would be most convenient for me. I got a scooter so we could bond together... but in the end only pushed us apart. I asked you to keep me company in the kitchen to cook with me on countless occasions, but you preferred playing your games... although you play on your computer ALL day at work and I called you out on it. I worked my entire schedule around yours so we could spend time together because i knew yours was inflexible......
The list goes on.
I worried SO much about someone elses well being, that I forgot about my own. I comprimised more to compinsate for the times you wouldn't. I justified your actions as a lie, just to keep you close. I repressed my emotions, to the point of numbness. And you ask me why I left you... Everyone asks me why I left you...
Because for once in my life I want to be selfish. I want to reformat my life to what I want. Because I said so. Because I deserve it. After 4 years of demolishing the friendship that I had with the one person who matters most in my life -- ME -- I really would like to have that back.
Yes I'm angry. I'm angry because it took us so long to realize how over this really was, and we just perpetuated the silence through denail. Perpetuated the grossness underneath it all. The dirt in the corner. I'm angry we wasted our time for long. So many landmarks, wasted one someone I loved more. I always loved more. I'm angry because I still love you so much, and even still, as we are apart, your emotions are still controlling my life. you're still hurting me. you're still putting me in that place where my feet wont grow.
I just want to be free. I want to be 21. I want to be young. I don't want to be tied down. I want to grow because I want to grow that way. I want to do what I WANT TO DO. Because I WANT TO DO IT.
I don't want to think about you when I kiss or dance with someone else. I don't want to think about you when I shop,pay bills, or when I'm falling asleep. I don't want to think about you when I'm getting dressed, driving my scooter to school/work, or getting my hair cut. I don't want to think about you when I'm being creative, when I'm shipping a package, or when I work on the store. I dont want to think about you when I shower, dont want to think about you when I brush my teeth. I don't want to think about you when I'm studying, or doing homework. I don't want to think about you when I'm making dinner or washing the dishes.... don't want to think about you ever. ever ever ever.
but I always will. always always always. No matter how hard I try to forget about you.... it will never happen.
and that's all i ever wanted, was for you to wash the fucking dishes. I'd come home to a sink of them day after day. All you ever had to do was be thoughtful. To know that I loved the simple things. With the only reason you did them was because you loved me and you knew i'd appreciate it. Plain, and simple. I'm not high maintenance, obviously.
But thats the problem. That's just not you and it was YOU i fell in love with, and I never wanted to change that. So I rolled on. I dealt with all the bullshit. I put myself aside to have a little part of my life I just couldn't live without. But when it came time to stand strong, to grow a backbone, I grew it for myself, not for you. I stood without you as my crutch. And it's this self awareness, and self love I have now, you will never wrench away ever again. No one can ever take this away. I like the way things are going.
But enough about you. Now it's all about me.
About fucking time.