What if my heart was just the right weight- would you share a real world with me?
My heart is heavy. The weight pulls on my throat. Like if I speak my voice will jerk and then I might cry by accident.
I want to go home, but I don't know where that is. I want to create it, but I'm not sure how. I thought I felt it hiding in someone. And my heart grew fond of this home I could see. Not perfect, but homes are not for perfection. They are for belonging, safety, growth, dreams, love, compassion, culture, values. They are the cradle for a family full of potential to be all the things special to the ones in it.
Perhaps when people feel home in something they have and love, they forget about the other people they thought they wanted in it. What about expanding your home? Is home not a living breathing fluid, changing thing? Can I be part of your home? Can I be your family?
I wasn't searching for this. But when I happened upon it, I couldn't help but to want more and to want to try. I see your value, and how I can be valuable to you. I feel an attraction that is unprecedented for me. We sync when its allowed. What makes it allowed or not allowed? Why is proximity so important? The parts that make me see home are far more than just attraction. But when we are close and often, it is gravity. I think about the close. I can think about sitting next to you and feel your skin just by my thoughts. I don't have to be right there. If I think too much about it, its like being homesick, and so I tell myself i can save it for later. Its a hunger, a smell, a smoothness, the things I find addictive in your physical self. And then when I get to be with you, and when I get to observe and share moments, that's when I realize home is in there.
Maybe my heavy heart is too heavy for others to want. Perhaps the things I have to offer are dispensable. I didn't think they were, but perhaps they are. Would you like my spare time? I don't have a lot, but you can have it. How about my intense commitment, and motivation stretched to fit around all the parts of my life? My mind? Take my love- by now it may as well be free; I've got no takers. My heart- take it. Please, rip it right out. I hear deer heart tastes good slow cooked. I eat a lot of veggies, maybe it would be similar. Take my curiosity, my care, take it all. you can have it. I don't want it right now. It has found me no home. It is of no use to people I thought might need, or at least appreciate it.
My intellect, motivation, acceptance of change, compassion, perseverance, honesty, optimism, support, loyalty, resilience, all of it and more. Can I give it to you? Can I invest it in yours? You see, I don't have a home or a family, and I cant seem to come up with one that wants me in it.
This has been a reoccurring issue I've noticed. In each step of my life. I arrived in a family accidentally and it left, then forgot, then left again. I tried to create one and it failed. And I thought I may have found one that I can grow with, but It turns out I'm not wanted there either.
I'm very able to belong to myself. But what is the purpose in being only for myself? I have valuable skills to help other people in work, but at some point, there needs to be a place to fit on a personal level. In the real world. In my real world.
I want to go home, but I don't know where that is. I want to create it, but I'm not sure how. I thought I felt it hiding in someone. And my heart grew fond of this home I could see. Not perfect, but homes are not for perfection. They are for belonging, safety, growth, dreams, love, compassion, culture, values. They are the cradle for a family full of potential to be all the things special to the ones in it.
Perhaps when people feel home in something they have and love, they forget about the other people they thought they wanted in it. What about expanding your home? Is home not a living breathing fluid, changing thing? Can I be part of your home? Can I be your family?
I wasn't searching for this. But when I happened upon it, I couldn't help but to want more and to want to try. I see your value, and how I can be valuable to you. I feel an attraction that is unprecedented for me. We sync when its allowed. What makes it allowed or not allowed? Why is proximity so important? The parts that make me see home are far more than just attraction. But when we are close and often, it is gravity. I think about the close. I can think about sitting next to you and feel your skin just by my thoughts. I don't have to be right there. If I think too much about it, its like being homesick, and so I tell myself i can save it for later. Its a hunger, a smell, a smoothness, the things I find addictive in your physical self. And then when I get to be with you, and when I get to observe and share moments, that's when I realize home is in there.
Maybe my heavy heart is too heavy for others to want. Perhaps the things I have to offer are dispensable. I didn't think they were, but perhaps they are. Would you like my spare time? I don't have a lot, but you can have it. How about my intense commitment, and motivation stretched to fit around all the parts of my life? My mind? Take my love- by now it may as well be free; I've got no takers. My heart- take it. Please, rip it right out. I hear deer heart tastes good slow cooked. I eat a lot of veggies, maybe it would be similar. Take my curiosity, my care, take it all. you can have it. I don't want it right now. It has found me no home. It is of no use to people I thought might need, or at least appreciate it.
My intellect, motivation, acceptance of change, compassion, perseverance, honesty, optimism, support, loyalty, resilience, all of it and more. Can I give it to you? Can I invest it in yours? You see, I don't have a home or a family, and I cant seem to come up with one that wants me in it.
This has been a reoccurring issue I've noticed. In each step of my life. I arrived in a family accidentally and it left, then forgot, then left again. I tried to create one and it failed. And I thought I may have found one that I can grow with, but It turns out I'm not wanted there either.
I'm very able to belong to myself. But what is the purpose in being only for myself? I have valuable skills to help other people in work, but at some point, there needs to be a place to fit on a personal level. In the real world. In my real world.