Psycho Analysis
String of a Downward Spiral
1
Silence kept with in can be a violent, devilish wish or maybe just a unknown gesture. A root connected to the ground holding it in place. The mind is a big house filled with tiny rooms. Some of the doors are locked. Even the most complex human being can not open these door with out the key, the key is the person themselves. In each room remains a soul from the past or a thought. What is in mind is our own. What is given to others can be kept forever or forgotten but the mind never forgets, the memories only dwell.Never disminising. Things redeemed by mind can hide but there still always there.
The light that descended across the field touches her eye and returned a dark shadow into the great burrowing land. Her pupil grew to take more in and let less out. Nothingness strolled through her mind. Silence filled the place. Empty of color. No auras to allude or pollute the story she created with life in death. The people she included to stroll through her mind. They kept her company on the most lonely days. No longer her life now her death. The field grew wide with hate, love, tragedy and decence. A series of moments. Everything in mind was now outside in the open, exposed. Body completely dry, feeling nothing. In the middle she stood tall with her hands clasped together. Her face had no feeling or movement. Next to her the old women rocked in her old chair. Her face sagged but it was full of thoughts and feelings.In front of her a scene was shown with lines through the picture.
The day had been ok. Few things bothered me and I felt rested. I figured it was time it had been a while and no one was home. The shower called to me. I accepted and carried the razor. I closed the door and turned the hot water on. I slowly undressed in front of the full length mirror that hung to the door. My scars showed through a deep red stain. Warm salty tears filled my eyes and as the razor slid down so did the tears. My face grew warm and I smiled the blood streamed down my chest. I felt weak and lightheaded and fell down. I could no longer see myself in the foggy mirror. Steam clung to my body.
What lead to her departure? What lead to her want to see deep with in. To see under the skin. To free what was inside her. People say things with no meaning not realizing what they are giving. Hope, hate or life is taken and kept in one of those small room in mind. She could blame them or secrets that she kept with in. Some people find it easy to cast things aside and forget them and keep them hidden with in the walls of their mind others have a harder time and find things swimming with in the blood in their heart over and over again.
She had grown beautiful over the years of suffrage the cuts kept her sane and help her to let out the violence and anger she held with in. Her eyes were black out lined with gray purplish rings. Her fingers were small and boney, stiff from use. Her hair was white now and falling out in clumps as the old lady stroked her hair. Under her eyes lied the light of everything she had that was now gone. Physical things were a burden to her. Her toe nails were long and feet only had a blanket of translucent skin. Veins showed through thick and green. Mud seeped through the middle of her toes.
Her outlook was to strong to be filled with other peoples believes. Everyone looked at her with empty eyes. Only she herself could sense the greatness she held with in yet she could not find how to use it with the secrets she kept in her locked doors. There was no way to save her from herself.
Lilith
2
Lilith, the queen of demons who engage in erotic activities with male humans while they sleep. She was Lilith named by her mother at her fathers expense. Her mother was very religious and wanted her to have a powerful name to show she could be great, lying in a gender less room where female and male is no longer a issue. The man is now weak, and the female is dominate. This was her mothers dream. Mother talked of it often and would never allow Lilith to forget that she only was born with out anything of a man, no rib. Lilith was made from the same dust as Adam but would go mad cause she could not handle what a man can handle. God only made her so Adam would not be alone. She felt equal to him and would not behave In a submissive or subservient manner. Lilith insisted on being on top. She was forced to be the small hand. That night she turned away and supposedly turned to evil. Creating demons on earth. What a powerful women.
I am named Lilith. It use to scare me, I'd think I was possessed. My dad wouldn't even speak my name. And my mother praised it. It didn't take me long to see where mother was coming from. Father looked at us both through empty eyes. Mothers career was a housekeeping mother. Her apron was bloody though. I saw the way she looked at dad, he would someday too be locked in Lilith's cage. My cage was my mind. The things people put into my mind their believes were held against the wall away from my thoughts and beliefs. I would never let them spear or infect them. I'm not a demon and I've only made the demons that stroll through my mind. I can not infect or give demons to others. The monster within self are always created by self. I relate to Lilith, her story. The idea is great yet I can hold little hope in it. Maybe because of the way life has treated me or maybe because of what I've seen how can a women be higher than a man when the women puts herself lower than the man.
Lilith liked to walk around her mind and made discovery of things forgotten. It passed the time and often helped her truth and reality. One day she found a door that was locked, looking through the keys to the doors she found this one had no key. So creating another room she started thinking about what could lie behind that door. She went way back until she knew what she had found. She had known it was a secret. Once she figured that out she found the key placed perfectly under her right foot. She picked it up with her left hand, feeling over it with her fingers she found it was shaped differently then other key she had and it was red, the locked door to was red. She did not take time to open not thinking about how now this secret would be exposed that now being much older and less ignorant it wouldn't be as easy to lock the door and forget about it as I child would. Children don't think deeply into things and children live day by day whatever happened yesterday is a part of yesterday. The days seemed long,yet they grow shorter as the tree grows taller.
I had found a locked door. I figured it was a secret and when that became my idea, they gave me the key. I had never seen anything like it, instead of the end being smooth it was jagged and rough against the fingers. It was colored red by marker, it looked like a child had done it. The door also had been painted red that to also looked like a child had done it. I didn't open the door though, it had been locked for a reason I said to myself.
School was not Lilith's desire. She found it numb and restless filled with ignorant small beings. She didn't fit in any group. People looked at her like she was small and a outsider. But Lilith knew she didn't need them to breathe. She found plenty time to think and do as she pleased. She was in 7th grade now. A big girl in a bigger school. People no longer teased they found better things to do. She found a boyfriend, all he wanted to do was fuck but she didn't see that than. She was vulnerable and weak, and just wanted to feel needed and cared for. Lilith walked home from school everyday, her boyfriend trailed beside her, she didn't confide in him cause deep under her skull she could sense it was not right. Deep down she knew it was perfect and when he said they would be forever she said never. She even told him that she didn't mean it when she told him she loved him, she told him she just said it cause he wanted her too and that she didn't feel love for him. He just cared and needed her that's all she wanted.
They walked away from the school holding hands. He waved goodbye to his friend as she looked down at the ground pretending it didn't bother her that they looked at her with such disgrace. He had told them that he just fucked her but they didn't think she was even good enough to fuck. Even though most kid would still be in school at that time, one small deep blue gray eyed boy was walking across the street. His hair was so blond it was almost white, he didn't look happy and his face was pale and thin. He was at a distance but she could see his heart pounding on his inner ribs.
As the little boy came closer to me, I began to feel his tension and hear his whispered thoughts in my head. He just stared ahead in silence. I saw my own eyes under his blue eyes. I saw the darkness over take them. he smiled at me with a sideways grin something I use to do as I child. Than he stopped in front of us he pulled me down by my shirt pulling me closer to his face. He looked deep into me and told me it was time. I understood and stood back up. He ran away now with the glare of red and a big smile on his face. When I turned around to see if I could see where he'd go he had disappear and not even dust remained of him. I went the rest of the way home still beside fuck. He had not understood what had happened between me and the small boy and he apparently didn't care until I said goodbye and sent him on his way. He wanted to come upstairs with me. I told him I wasn't in the mood to fuck so he would have to go home and jerk off and find someone else to fuck. He didn't like that and just gave me a dirty look and left. I couldn't care for him all we had was the physical connection and I found that meant little in this world of connections. I ran upstairs to me and my mothers apartment, she wasn't home she never was home. I was starving but I didn't look for anything to eat cause I knew there would be none. So I just went into my room fell onto my bed and went into my mind.
The walls of her mind were gray today yet little lines of pink outlined the entrances. Inside she found the keys and took out the red one she had left behind the other day. Outside the little boy stood and asked her if she was ready. She didn't hesitate and only took one second to breathe in and out then she swung open the door.
Tears instantly came to her eyes. The small boy patted her back. Slowly he turned into Lilith as a child he walked away from the grown girl and looked through the blinds of the window inside the room was Lilith's parents old bed. Her parents were in the bed having sex like any still close parents do. This was not what bothered her. As a curious child would do she watched. At first it seemed lovely and romantic but with in a second Lilith caught her mother watching her while holding on to her father. Lilith was so scared that she was caught that she could not move. Her mother now dark red eyes kept her still watching them fuck like apes.
Mothers face was against fathers neck. She opened her mouth wide and her teeth grew long and sharp. I screamed and started banging on the window. The sound was muffled by there moans. It had been to late, mothers teeth slipped into father's neck. Her nails ran down his back. I watched my father back begin to bleed in thick red scratched. In my mind I felt ill but between my thighs I wanted something. I didn't know what it was I wanted being so young but I felt it wrong to be turned on by something so indecent. The thoughts taunted me for a few days and that's when I decided I would lock it away. I painted the key and door red to show it as passionate and lovely but I painted it dark red to show it was a dark passionate and a dirty love.
Father had died from a heart attack.
You'd think secrets from your childhood wouldn't effect your life but some secrets can last forever and grow bigger with discovery.
"My mind is filled with pain and hurt, each room holds a cell, the locked doors are covered from the inside out, how are they locked you ask, by self, I keep the cover thick, don't let the thoughts seep into my consciousness, no reason to think about the secrets that lie, until today when it was shown I could hide no more, I'd like to fuck deep and slow and pierced the skin cold, soon you will see why I bleed."
The Thin String
3
They wonder how I turned out the way I am violent inside yet I cover my face in a innocent mask. I don't blame anyone but myself for my secrets but with other things I can't help but find the things they said to me that I could not hide away, the things they did to me that still make me cry today when I think about it and after they said they cared and I was suppose to believe it. The secrets would never truly be free, they seemed to collect no matter what I do and it was all because people didn't understand and see me right and because I couldn't talk. They pretended they were going to kill me. I was young and useless so they found a use for me torture. I was always the one picked on. They always found one way or another to make me cry. When I got high they would pretend they were going to kill me, they held big sharp knifes in their hands and pushed me back in a corner, repeating over and over that they were going to kill me that I was going to die. I cried and screamed in the corner until they would tell me to chill out that they were just kidding. I could never accept it after they did it again and again.
Lilith use to have friends. People that she was suppose to be able to confine in but she never quite learned how. She could say what she had done but when it came to how she felt or thought it remained in her mind and grew abundant, filling the basement of the house. Now those friends of her have lost their way or maybe they found it away from her. When her secret were unfolded and she told them some truth. They said she had never been honest with them, that she was now lying. But it was the truth. She didn't lie before out of attention or as a malicious act. It had been a silent gesture even so it was violent, devilish wish.
One time I was told by a boy younger than me that I thought of nothing. He had been bitching about his life all I said was we all have a lot to think about. And he flipped out and asked me what I had to worry about. My eyes filled with tears and looked down, I could not speak. People never thought I had a problem people never worried about me because I was great at acting like absolutely nothing was wrong, when I was sad or mad I acted hyper . I would be funny and when people laughed at me it felt good. I liked attention from anywhere I could get it but when I was ok when nothing was bothering me was really when I looked sad, I wasn't funny or great. I would be silent and pretend as if not to exist. I never talked about what bothered me, I always hid it with good things. People are very ignorant they can't see through that. A lot of people have told me to smile as if to say if I did I would be happier. I have come to find this is not remotely true. All people want to see is a smile, it doesn't change what lies beneath, yes many people painted a smile on my face and said it was good. It didn't matter how I felt inside as long as the outside was nice and proper. All my life I tried to please other people. I even hide secrets from myself so I wouldn't turn out like someone they would want me to be but all that did was make things worse. When I cut I cut myself to see what lied beneath I knew there was something in me that wanted out. It was the truth that I cut to show but still no one wanted to see it and I was the only one satisfied when it was out in my skin.
This time when fuck came over she was ready. She laid naked in her bed laughing when he walked into the room. She had never sounded quite so deranged and he was a little nervous but he had been excited about this visit when she called she had sounded horny as hell. Now she laid in front of him looking evil as hell. Her short hair spread out around her head perfectly she was on her side but she held her head up so she could see him. She had scars all over her legs and chest, he had never seen her completely naked in all the times they had sex. He tried to ask her about the scars but she just giggled. She pull his face close to her and kiss him hard and wet. She pulled him closer and tore his clothes. If he hadn't been so willing she would have basically been raping him. She stuck his dick deep inside of her, he screamed as she cut him across the back with a razor she continued to hold him close, she had become stronger than him. Blood ran down her hands she brought it to her mouth and licked it off as she started to get off then she kissed him he could taste the blood in her mouth and she stuck her tongue down into his throat he started chocking and gagging but she wouldn't let go. The she bit him on the neck as hard as she could until her mouth was filled with blood. He tried so hard to get away from her during this time but it never happen until she was done. She felt numb and could not move. She just laid completely still staring straight as he screamed at her calling her sick and deranged and saying that he would never come back. After he walked out of her room she started laughing, she couldn't stop. That was the first time she ever gotten off.
When my mother got home that day she looked at me though strained eyes. She said that I looked happy, I told her I had a good day. After mother killed father. I stayed away from mother and that was when our bond broke, we always talked about girls and how they are stronger than boys but after that day those conversation stopped. When ever she talked about dad I would flip out and run away. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want my secret to be exposed. Mother never said if she ever saw me that day or not. After that it all stopped and the silence began.
There was many time when Lilith awoke in unknown surroundings often in the woods. She would feel sore and guilty as if she had done something wrong or evil. When mother question her absence she just said she had slept at a friends, the conversation never went any further no matter how grotesque Lilith's appearance was. She never remembered what happened not even after a evil started to grow inside her.
Her stomach was sour, she often got sick and was tired. It happened for about a month until she felt something wet between her legs. Figuring it was her period she didn't worry to much even though her stomach killed and it didn't feel quite like regularly did. It was the middle of the night and she was so tired she feel asleep on the toilet with liquid dripping from her cunt. She awoke feeling weak and empty. In the toilet was a bloody fetus. She had a slight smile on her face and when she looked into the mirror she saw nothing. Her shadow dined the abundance of the tragedy.
After the dead baby incident I went to the doctors to make sure what happened did happen and for them to check and see I was ok. I was use to going to the doctors alone. I often made appointments myself and mother was never home to bring me to them so I'd walk since it was close by. Once I got there the depressing scenes over took me. I walked pass the church and saw people in a frenzy. A young women was writhing ans vomiting up spiders and worms outside the door, she was screaming and crying as the priest yelled "I adjure thee evil spirit in the name of the lord" I held my face down. I didn't want to see the priest face upon mine. I had never seen such a obscene but it amused me.
Finally I got there and the smell of death over took me. In the waiting room was a tiny old women with a contorted face, her body was out of control and shook violently, her mouth was held open and she let out a loud cry like a cat. When I got in I blurted out the end of the story and swore not to complete it, he didn't need to know the whole dirty truth I just wanted to make sure I was ok. He assured me of it and sent me on my way. Saying what happened was normal among young people. I still kept the secret from my fellow peers and reveries. On the way out a extremely skinny girl with a pale face and black circles around her eyes walked out of a room. She stared straight ahead with black eyes. She wore a thin hospital gown, her skin was seemed translucent. Her veins showed green and purple her lips were blue. We caught each others eyes and hers stung mine. I felt her pain pierce into my skin as we passed our eyes never closed and our hands touched. I felt her weakness with in my stomach and she felt my weakness with in her mind. We had crossed each others entities and she had brought out another one of my childhood secrets. I knew she would be there when I got home.
Walk Across a Tight Rope
4
Once I had a dream that a crazy, psycho man was after me. He threw dynamite as he did donuts in the grass for some old reason I was trying to bring bread to a friend. I ran away from him into some type of circus. I was on a tight rope, like a cartoon or a movie he was right behind and cut the tight rope like any "normal" person I awoke before I landed. I had been going down a tight rope my whole life that girl had cute it with in a moment. In my mind she stood numb in front of a black hole.
The persona was swollen onto her face. The mask she wore for society. The innocence she could not shade that was her secret. She had a whole inside her body she had tried to fill with dirty sex but that would never do, she needed more. Being at such a weak state in life what had she to find. She had little hope. and a black aura crowned her head. There was only one person she found she could confine in. His name was Sammael. She met him on the street. It was dark night and the sky blended into the dark buildings that surrounded them. Gray clouds filled the sky and it had began to rain. From the distance he just looked like a dark figure floating through the night but as Lilith cam closes she saw a beautiful man, with dark eyes and light hair. His face was delicate with full lips and the rain that hit his face made his makeup run. She stopped and stared into his dark eyes and never looked away again.
I had never met a boy quite like him. He was unique and held violence between his thigh, we related to each other. I found him comforting and he found me weird in a good way. I saw him in the hospital too but other people had been busy taking my eyes. We skipped down the road laughing in the rain. Soon we came upon two people fighting. The girl was pregnant and screaming at some guy that she was going to kill herself cause he had cheated on her. As we walked by we stared at each other pretending we could hear nothing but I heard him scream no I knew what had happened and I couldn't help but look she was now bleeding on the ground. We kept on walking wondering what else fucked up we would see. Another block down the road we're now both soaked and we see a man run out of a apartment building and down the road. That's when we decided to go back to my apartment on the way we hear a girl scream and a gunshot. I just thought it was the full moon. Sammael looked pleased.
That night I wasn't surprised to find another room inside my head with a boy standing outside it and the blood on the door. His face was black and I knew it. 2 black dogs sealed the entrance. I still woke up every day feeling empty and I still tried to fill the hole inside me with cum with his cum. Nothing was going to change my world. I was meant to suffer and watch other people suffer. Now that the tight rope was gone I just didn't have any thing else to worry about. And now I had this boy trying to tell me who I was I just ignored him.
Lilith and Sammael took many walks, they were all grand but distorted. They saw things that were preternatural and intriguing. He liked to watch her bleed. They liked to think god was watching them with hate. But Lilith was still so different from him and felt worthless inside. She couldn't hold a smile on her face and he said she always thought negatively. She found when she was with him she was trying to be positive and strong. She was being wrong to herself and she wasn't meant to be connected to anyone but the mind she was bond too and the desires that taunted her and the shadow that over took her.
The Fairy Power
5
what was happening now scared her. She had notice how people started to pay attention to her more. She had become the center of attention with in days. They seemed to know what she was thinking and everyone seemed to find a interest in her. She caught people staring at her. It really started to bother her. She began to freak out when she was around everyone at school. Once she stapled her arm when she pulled it out blood began to trickle out. They all looked at her like she was sick then walked away. The next time she was bothered by them she screamed out she was a dyke. They kept distance from her now. Realizing gossip and people were not her thing. She didn't even want to talk to Sammael anymore, he had become boring and no longer had anything to say to her. She had a picture of him as a boy that she kept in her mind. When she got mad at him for things being they were now she destroyed the picture later on she found him crying by the black hole kneeling down next to the skinny girl.
I still wasn't whole and I didn't believe I ever was meant to be the secrets I kept in the past had burned a hole that could never be filled with happiness or greatness cause the hole wasn't made of happiness or greatness. I can't help but be weak and vulnerable. This is the way people see me this is the way they want to see me but this isn't what I see and I know there is more to me. Acting innocent and sweet in front of people is what is killing me, what has made me weak and vulnerable what has made this black hole. I couldn't let out my secrets cause they wouldn't understand. So I will be Lilith and run away creating demons and killing infants. The fetus. Sammael will go on to created destruction in lust, wrath, and revenge. Where everyone went wrong was when everyone said to be the same. Who am I?
People are psycho cause they are born that way. Over population has grown so far that now psychos are born. I didn't make the choose to be this way. I'm not evil or good, a saint or a demon. I am a animal, a human born with desires. People can blame me or my mother or my father or friends or they can blame themselves and the environment I was grown in or better yet they can blame god for allowing me to be born or you can blame the desires I was born with. Am I a sin, a curses, a bad habit no I'm just a red rose with black tips and thorns.
The bright light extends across the field showing everything she ever did and thought. She had agreed for it all to end and become a story of truth. The old lady finally speaks and says the secret has been told. What Lilith did in her life isn't evil if you don't consider it evil. She knew what she should of done but she did what she wanted to do so she could play out a life of wonder. People need to realize what they see of people is just a persona, a mask put on for society what lies beneath the skin is the truth, the secrets we hide from ourselves and other people for fear of rejection and sarcasm. If we can't be what we want how are we ever going to be happy and live in a descent environment, where there's so much unhappiness and dirtiness. So her life becomes a story she writes in death. The bright light comes back getting smaller and smaller until a speck of light is showed and a single red rose with black tips and thorn is all that's left of her mind.
Empty Mind
6
She has no more words to say with no mind there is no words. How can you say what you think when you think nothing. Lilith's mother hasn't notice she's gone, she still talks to her the same but never notices her silent responds. The world is still the same filled with hateful, unknowing people that still haven't realized the effect they have on the society. Lilith goes into a old gray woman and sits in a rocking chair for her last day. The only words she has to say before her last breath is "The secret has been told"
Lilith wanted to see beneath the skin cause she didn't like what was shown just like Lilith didn't like being lower then Adam Lilith didn't like being low as a human being. Lilith wanted to be looked at as a individual not as a union. Every person is born alone just like a single rose. Every person is born with good and evil just like a rose with thorn. Every person has a inside where they hold things they don't want other people to see just like the bugs that dine with in the flower. Relating your life to a flower is easy relating yourself to the queen of demons is a little bit harder. Look deep with in the story, there's only more to find.
By: Salina Young