The day of Today
Today is a day when I hit that lazy corner I let myself fall into. Today is also a day when I read my old posts and I suddenly felt a lot better. Hey man, it's your brain. This is one of those moments you've been looking for to experience - when something happens and it changes your mood, you know the negative times, well this is one of the positive times. I felt like I was reflecting on myself when I had moments of clarity in a submarine full of shit. I'm sorta still in the gaseous brown sea, but at least I see land. I bet I even travel there from time to time, but I still find that lazy corner. Lazy because it's the inevitable default of an unproductive twat, corner because I liek boiz. Chyeah, I lost the thought.
I shouldn't let myself be bored, but you know, it's kind of an endless struggle. It's a hill that looks challenging from the bottom when I have energy, or it looks like just another pain in the ass to have to hurdle. It really depends on the day. I'm fascinated that we can have such profoundly different actions and decisions depending on our effort and energy.
So. Is this just going to be another year? Or will it be something else? I turn 21 next month, and suddenly it doesn't feel any different than any other birthday. Sometimes I really don't care about the benefit of buying alcohol. Is that the only thing that makes THIS birthday special? What did I enjoy about my 14th birthday? I don't even remember what happened then.
Then again, maybe I'll have a lot of fun. For the first time (consciously anyway) I'll be able to let everything go. I'll have my folks and/or my brother to lean back on just this one time, so I can really see where that wall is between wasted and too wasted.
Ew. That doesn't sound like a good idea.
.....hmm.
And now, instead of that eerie bad mood or that vulnerable good mood, I'm left in a state to ponder. Totally neutral. Just the way I like it.
I shouldn't let myself be bored, but you know, it's kind of an endless struggle. It's a hill that looks challenging from the bottom when I have energy, or it looks like just another pain in the ass to have to hurdle. It really depends on the day. I'm fascinated that we can have such profoundly different actions and decisions depending on our effort and energy.
So. Is this just going to be another year? Or will it be something else? I turn 21 next month, and suddenly it doesn't feel any different than any other birthday. Sometimes I really don't care about the benefit of buying alcohol. Is that the only thing that makes THIS birthday special? What did I enjoy about my 14th birthday? I don't even remember what happened then.
Then again, maybe I'll have a lot of fun. For the first time (consciously anyway) I'll be able to let everything go. I'll have my folks and/or my brother to lean back on just this one time, so I can really see where that wall is between wasted and too wasted.
Ew. That doesn't sound like a good idea.
.....hmm.
And now, instead of that eerie bad mood or that vulnerable good mood, I'm left in a state to ponder. Totally neutral. Just the way I like it.