long entry i've done in a long while, so i won't update again for awhile...
dedicated to no one in particular. i'm just in my tbs mood. so don't
start assuming... :]
& all i need to knows is that i'm something you'll be missing.
maybe i should hate you for this,
never really did ever quite get that far.
maybe i should hate you for this,
never really did ever quite get that.
i'd never lie to you unless i had to,
i'll do what i got to.
unless i had to, i'll do what i got to.
the truth is you could slit my throat
& with my one last gasping breath,
i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt
'cause i'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
this'll be the last chance you get to drop my name.
if i'm just bad news, then you're a liar.
my life, as of now, is the most confusing piece of shit ever. college is totally kicking my ass. i'm 2 for 2 now with the acceptances, butthat's about to change reallllyy soon because:
1) i'm an idiot & totally slacked off 1st semester, so mid-yearreports are also kicking my ass
2) i set my standards too high, they're practically unattainable now
3) i know i'm just setting myself up for an extreme let-down
4) i am probably just jinxing myself even more now, just by talking about it.
5) i'm just a complete idiot. the end.
nothing's really going my way right now. which sucks, but hey i'll live. school sucks as always, life at home is the usual and actually improving a little [my mom and i are super close, i've always wanted
her to be there for me as a best friend, and it's really working. haha. she and i now have the kind of relationship i used to admire when watching other girls and their moms acting the way she and i act
now. aww.] as for the guys, *sigh*. i always want the ones i can't have. and i never want the ones i can. i like the chase, and i like the challenge. but this one right now is really pissing me off. haha.
i'm going to do a recap of the last couple of months and the last couple of boys in my life:
[i actually started typing this like a week or so ago, and just finished the rest of it right now..& i'm not putting any names because i know some of the jackasses i'm writing about read this. i don't know who the hell would actually read all this nonsense anyway, this portion was really just done for my own satisfaction.]
--reading over this now, i seem really conceited. or really into myself. fuck i'm so vain sometimes..whateva--
dude what the fuck is up with guys?!
i'm really getting used to living without them. it's just that, when i'm not looking for one, one finds me. and i'm really not good at letting people down easily. but shit, everything always comes back to bite me in the ass.
let's see my recent boy situations:
boy #1: i liked this boy a lot. i liked him so much i scared myself, convincing myself he would never like somebody like me. i pushed him away instead of slowly letting my guard down and letting him in. he ended up thinking that my shyness around him (which was really me being intimidated by him) was because i wasn't into him. bummer. then he started being a real jackass. so whatever. i think deep down i really still do like him though. that's what his friend was telling me when i was talking to him the other day. i seem to compare everyone to him. i don't know why. but he was really just, way up there-- in my mind. *sigh* you win some, you lose some. i just seem to lose most of the time.
boy #2: he was really nice. i guess. he was into me, but i wasn't into him as much. he was like, my reserve. which sucks because nobody wants to be somebody else's second option...that’s a nice way to put it. he was really my last resort in a way. and i told myself i wouldn't do that to somebody because i know how it feels, but i guess that's why i got bitten in the ass with boy #1.
boy #3: he's cool. i know all he wants to do is hook up, and i know that i don't want a boyfriend. but there has to be some sort of middle ground because shit, i won't just hook up with you whenever you feel like. and i am a very jealous person which means if you're hooking up with me, i'm the only one you're hooking up with. that sounds like some sort of commitment though, which i don't like. but shit, there's no room for HOES in here. anyway back to the boy, he's a sweetheart. he's funny too. he gets a lot of girls though, and i know that gets to his head. kind of like with guy #1, which probably means he has a little bit (or a lot) of asshole inside of him.
boy #4: i think i'm starting to like him. i never paid much attention to him before, but i seem to like how he pays attention to me. so maybe i just like the attention, and not really him. but then i think i could get that attention from other people so maybe i really do like him? but it's different..and hmm...i'm really just confusing myself more now. he's an awesome guy, from what i know. you know they say, "you always want what you can't have"? that's true. i think i took advantage of the attention he was giving me and then when he started backing off, i started gaining more interest in him. sooo i really don't know whether i really do have feelings for him or not. he's playing too many games, being too tricksy. & he's really messing with my head. actually, yeah, i think i'm lying to myself. i'm in denial. i really do like this guy. it sucks though, i doubt he even likes me anymore. but it was nice while it lasted...another one lost. probably. i have no clue what i'm going to do about this one. i kind of planned it though. even if he doesn't like me anymore, i plan on telling him how i feel about him anyway. if he doesn't give me the response i want, well then, i don't know. i guess i get rejected.. damn. i need to grow some balls though because i really need to do this. just to get it over with. he's sooo cute though! gah. i'm gonna be really really sad when he turns me down.
boy #5: he's just there. he confuses me a lot. other times he doesn't. i don't think he knows what he wants, and neither do i. but we're both completely fine with that. our relationship is great, as i see it. it's just a little...weird. whateva.
boy #6: don't know him very well. he's a chill guy, i just don't know what's going to happen though i don't think i really like him, or i don't even think i'm really giving him a fair chance because i'm too hung up on boy #4. that bastard. well he and i hung out and he kind of talks about himself a lot. & our conversations consisted mainly of me listening to him talk. and talk. and talk some more. i really don't know what to do with him, i suppose i'll tell him i'm not looking for anything right now. or maybe i'll just run away from it and pretend my little problem doesn't exist. what the hell am i talking about now?! i need to stop thinking so much...
keep praying for me. i need it. thank you.
start assuming... :]
& all i need to knows is that i'm something you'll be missing.
maybe i should hate you for this,
never really did ever quite get that far.
maybe i should hate you for this,
never really did ever quite get that.
i'd never lie to you unless i had to,
i'll do what i got to.
unless i had to, i'll do what i got to.
the truth is you could slit my throat
& with my one last gasping breath,
i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt
'cause i'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
this'll be the last chance you get to drop my name.
if i'm just bad news, then you're a liar.
my life, as of now, is the most confusing piece of shit ever. college is totally kicking my ass. i'm 2 for 2 now with the acceptances, butthat's about to change reallllyy soon because:
1) i'm an idiot & totally slacked off 1st semester, so mid-yearreports are also kicking my ass
2) i set my standards too high, they're practically unattainable now
3) i know i'm just setting myself up for an extreme let-down
4) i am probably just jinxing myself even more now, just by talking about it.
5) i'm just a complete idiot. the end.
nothing's really going my way right now. which sucks, but hey i'll live. school sucks as always, life at home is the usual and actually improving a little [my mom and i are super close, i've always wanted
her to be there for me as a best friend, and it's really working. haha. she and i now have the kind of relationship i used to admire when watching other girls and their moms acting the way she and i act
now. aww.] as for the guys, *sigh*. i always want the ones i can't have. and i never want the ones i can. i like the chase, and i like the challenge. but this one right now is really pissing me off. haha.
i'm going to do a recap of the last couple of months and the last couple of boys in my life:
[i actually started typing this like a week or so ago, and just finished the rest of it right now..& i'm not putting any names because i know some of the jackasses i'm writing about read this. i don't know who the hell would actually read all this nonsense anyway, this portion was really just done for my own satisfaction.]
--reading over this now, i seem really conceited. or really into myself. fuck i'm so vain sometimes..whateva--
dude what the fuck is up with guys?!
i'm really getting used to living without them. it's just that, when i'm not looking for one, one finds me. and i'm really not good at letting people down easily. but shit, everything always comes back to bite me in the ass.
let's see my recent boy situations:
boy #1: i liked this boy a lot. i liked him so much i scared myself, convincing myself he would never like somebody like me. i pushed him away instead of slowly letting my guard down and letting him in. he ended up thinking that my shyness around him (which was really me being intimidated by him) was because i wasn't into him. bummer. then he started being a real jackass. so whatever. i think deep down i really still do like him though. that's what his friend was telling me when i was talking to him the other day. i seem to compare everyone to him. i don't know why. but he was really just, way up there-- in my mind. *sigh* you win some, you lose some. i just seem to lose most of the time.
boy #2: he was really nice. i guess. he was into me, but i wasn't into him as much. he was like, my reserve. which sucks because nobody wants to be somebody else's second option...that’s a nice way to put it. he was really my last resort in a way. and i told myself i wouldn't do that to somebody because i know how it feels, but i guess that's why i got bitten in the ass with boy #1.
boy #3: he's cool. i know all he wants to do is hook up, and i know that i don't want a boyfriend. but there has to be some sort of middle ground because shit, i won't just hook up with you whenever you feel like. and i am a very jealous person which means if you're hooking up with me, i'm the only one you're hooking up with. that sounds like some sort of commitment though, which i don't like. but shit, there's no room for HOES in here. anyway back to the boy, he's a sweetheart. he's funny too. he gets a lot of girls though, and i know that gets to his head. kind of like with guy #1, which probably means he has a little bit (or a lot) of asshole inside of him.
boy #4: i think i'm starting to like him. i never paid much attention to him before, but i seem to like how he pays attention to me. so maybe i just like the attention, and not really him. but then i think i could get that attention from other people so maybe i really do like him? but it's different..and hmm...i'm really just confusing myself more now. he's an awesome guy, from what i know. you know they say, "you always want what you can't have"? that's true. i think i took advantage of the attention he was giving me and then when he started backing off, i started gaining more interest in him. sooo i really don't know whether i really do have feelings for him or not. he's playing too many games, being too tricksy. & he's really messing with my head. actually, yeah, i think i'm lying to myself. i'm in denial. i really do like this guy. it sucks though, i doubt he even likes me anymore. but it was nice while it lasted...another one lost. probably. i have no clue what i'm going to do about this one. i kind of planned it though. even if he doesn't like me anymore, i plan on telling him how i feel about him anyway. if he doesn't give me the response i want, well then, i don't know. i guess i get rejected.. damn. i need to grow some balls though because i really need to do this. just to get it over with. he's sooo cute though! gah. i'm gonna be really really sad when he turns me down.
boy #5: he's just there. he confuses me a lot. other times he doesn't. i don't think he knows what he wants, and neither do i. but we're both completely fine with that. our relationship is great, as i see it. it's just a little...weird. whateva.
boy #6: don't know him very well. he's a chill guy, i just don't know what's going to happen though i don't think i really like him, or i don't even think i'm really giving him a fair chance because i'm too hung up on boy #4. that bastard. well he and i hung out and he kind of talks about himself a lot. & our conversations consisted mainly of me listening to him talk. and talk. and talk some more. i really don't know what to do with him, i suppose i'll tell him i'm not looking for anything right now. or maybe i'll just run away from it and pretend my little problem doesn't exist. what the hell am i talking about now?! i need to stop thinking so much...
keep praying for me. i need it. thank you.