Doc, give me some Ativan.
I'm over here again because it's time for me to vent about my most recent doctor visit. I didn't even realize that I had a doctor's appointment until I checked my calendar last night. I thought it was Wednesday, but sure enough, there was my handwritten message on Tuesday. I woke up, sat around for a while, and went. I was there for an hour and a half again. I hate how he gets so overbooked. I think there were at least two people ahead of me today. I got weighed. It's still 181. It makes me sick. I want it to go down more. I really hate how I gained ten pounds and barely lost any of it since our last winter. My blood pressure wasn't that great. 132/86. Now, as far as I know, normal is 140/80 or less. I had one high number and one number that wasn't so great and the nurse said it was good. It isn't good to me. I've been sitting here, thinking about it. It makes me nervous. I always think that I'm dying from something, but I don't know exactly what it is. We got around to talking about adjusting my meds. He was talking about putting me on Ativan or something along that line and I told him that nobody would pay for it, so we got off that subject pretty fast. I really wish that I could, though. I need something to help me..anything. These stupid budget cuts are stressing me out. Whenever I go into my therapist's office, I end up crying somewhere within the 45 minutes. I'm so tired of crying. It seems like that's all I do. I feel really weak and powerless. I don't know how to control my life anymore. I don't think I ever did. After that, he gave me this big speech about meditation, then an analogy. I asked him how a case manager is going to benefit me if I have to see one. He says that some of them are trained in therapy. I just don't know about this entire thing. I don't want to leave my current therapist. I feel that if I do, there is going to be a huge setback and it scares me. My obsessions are through the roof right now. I obsess constantly over weight and germs. I obsess over the fact that I feel like everyone is abandoning me, even if it's not happening. I live in fear. It's a huge part of my life and I honestly don't know how I can break the cycle. I'm trying so many things here, but yet, it's not getting through all that much. My depression has been bothering me a lot lately. There haven't been that many up periods for me. I can think of maybe one and that is about it. I feel tired all the time. I want to sleep a lot, I don't even want to get out of bed. I always have to force myself to do things, it seems. I don't want to have to do that anymore. My self-esteem is dangerously low. I spoke to the doctor about that as well. He was telling me how it won't even matter anymore after I reach a certain point. It matters to me. I feel like I'm crap. I feel like I'm not worth anything as a person. I feel like I'm not worth anything at all. I am becoming tired..tired of trying to battle all these things within me. A lot of times, I wish I could just give up completely. Hide in a room, all alone, so nobody has to look at me anymore. I feel like I mess up everything. I feel like a total failure, even when it has been pointed out that I'm not. I want to cry now that I type this, but I don't want anyone to see me. I hate when people see me cry. Some have, though. It's too hard to control a lot of times. It's hard being a highly emotional person. I'm facing the facts and everyone else needs to face them, too. I'm a loser. I'm fat, ugly, worthless, and everything else negative that I have said up there. I can't understand how people that talk to me can see other qualities than those. I ask myself that question all the time, always coming up answerless. I obviously strayed from the subject. I know that all I do is whine. Maybe that's all I know how to do anymore. I let all these things consume me and I don't do anything about it. I'm unmotivated and I don't care about myself. I understand this is all my fault.