(no subject)
Still feeling rather down. But for a different reason. At least I think it is a different reason. Tomorrow is my anniversary. Six years. Robert and I were supposed to go out this afternoon/evening. We had a deal with the babysitter to drop the kids off at 3 and come get them at 9. It had the promise of being a wonderful day. But Monday Leland started acting sick. Coughing, runny/stuffy nose, the works. That afternoon he woke from his nap with a fever of 102. The fever only lasted a couple of hours and then he was fine, but it still scared me. About that same time I started feeling poorly. Then Ayanna came down with it. Then Robert started coughing. Anyway, the kids spent the entire week crying at the slightest provocation. I think they spent more time in tears this week than otherwise. That would have been hard on me in the best of circumstances. With me being sick too, even though it is just a bad cold, it was ten times harder. But I was able to handle it because in the back of my mind was the promise of six hours kid-free, six hours of just me and Robert. But this morning Ayanna was still acting really sick, and around noon SHE spiked a fever. So we had to cancel. And all the stress I had been burying to be dealt with by this time away overflowed. I fell apart. I have been crying all day about it. Really stupid, I know, but I used up all my reserves handling this horrid week and had absolutely none left to be strong about this latest disappointment with.
One of my friends recently described her autistic daughter's moods as a bank account. It really struck a chord with me. I only have so much emotional "money" in my bank account, and the slightest thing has the potential of requiring a withdrawal. This week Leland getting sick was a large withdrawal. My getting sick was another. Thinking about allthatjazmyne was yet another withdrawal. By the time Ayanna started acting sick the daily withdrawals because of my cold, Leland's cold, and Jaz had caused a slight overdraft. So I started borrowing from my emotional credit card which, in this case, was "It's ok. Just get through the week and then you have six whole hours without the kids to recuperate from it all". So, after borrowing heavily from my emotional credit card, I woke up Saturday morning to find that my credit card had been canceled and the bank was requiring payment in full. And it all came crashing down. I had Robert give me a blessing and am feeling a little more stable after that, but I am still kinda feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment. I have to go to church alone tomorrow because I have to play my violin with the choir in Sacrament meeting (worry about that would be yet another withdrawal, particularly since I can't vouch for my voice with this cold) and the prospect of yet another week with sick children is almost more than I can bear. Especially since there is no emotional "credit card" to borrow from this week.
I realize a lot of this sounds like a pity party, but I have to get it out somewhere. And I did want to record that analogy because it fit so well. Hopefully something will happen to make next week a little more bearable.
One of my friends recently described her autistic daughter's moods as a bank account. It really struck a chord with me. I only have so much emotional "money" in my bank account, and the slightest thing has the potential of requiring a withdrawal. This week Leland getting sick was a large withdrawal. My getting sick was another. Thinking about allthatjazmyne was yet another withdrawal. By the time Ayanna started acting sick the daily withdrawals because of my cold, Leland's cold, and Jaz had caused a slight overdraft. So I started borrowing from my emotional credit card which, in this case, was "It's ok. Just get through the week and then you have six whole hours without the kids to recuperate from it all". So, after borrowing heavily from my emotional credit card, I woke up Saturday morning to find that my credit card had been canceled and the bank was requiring payment in full. And it all came crashing down. I had Robert give me a blessing and am feeling a little more stable after that, but I am still kinda feeling like I could burst into tears at any moment. I have to go to church alone tomorrow because I have to play my violin with the choir in Sacrament meeting (worry about that would be yet another withdrawal, particularly since I can't vouch for my voice with this cold) and the prospect of yet another week with sick children is almost more than I can bear. Especially since there is no emotional "credit card" to borrow from this week.
I realize a lot of this sounds like a pity party, but I have to get it out somewhere. And I did want to record that analogy because it fit so well. Hopefully something will happen to make next week a little more bearable.