weird mood..
Lately I've been a weird mood.. It doesn't help that I haven't been feeling too good lately.. I feel bad I just lectured someone about cutting them self and their dependance on a knife, when I myself have been rather bad in that area..
I'v been feeling lonely and isolated.. I don't know why? I just feel so angry at everything and everyone around me. I can't stand people, but I hold it in by expressing anger in other ways. I've been writing poetry, rather depressing and frightening.. I'm scared of it, yet it comes from my darkend thoughts. I am still in confusion as to how I have gotten this way. I've always felt depressed and down, but as of right now, I have deffinatly hit rock bottom. I see no good in my life, which is bullshit because I have great friends. I have a "fun" day and "good" things happen, but I can't recall any sense of "hooray!" in me.. It seems that lately I feel I would be better off in a looney bin or go away for the dirt nap. I contemplate life and death a lot. Suicide is on my mind. I'm not sure if it is that I want to commit suicide or that I have attempted it in that past and feel as though I could fully commit.. My mind has been taken over by a gloomy, dejected being that has no sense of beginning and ending.
I can't help but wonder where my life has gone. The days move by so slow and so much is happening around me, but I can't remember the expressions, the feeling, the sense of liveliness. I'm not quite sure if I ever have felt any of that. I feel like I am a living lie. I put on a happy face and cheer others up, totally pushing my misfortunate loss of feeling to the side. I'm trying harder to feel, but the harder I try the more I forget the feeling. Do I know love? Is there such thing a feeling? I don't know?¿
It is like I need someone to tell me when I should feel exciting, quixotic, sadness, happiness, or even love. I have no sense of direction. People can tell me it is a faze of I'm just in an odd state of mind right now. I guess, I will only truely ever know the deadness which lies underneath an expression of fake smiles.
Tomorrow will be my shortest day of the year..
In a coffin of beauty..~kendra
I'v been feeling lonely and isolated.. I don't know why? I just feel so angry at everything and everyone around me. I can't stand people, but I hold it in by expressing anger in other ways. I've been writing poetry, rather depressing and frightening.. I'm scared of it, yet it comes from my darkend thoughts. I am still in confusion as to how I have gotten this way. I've always felt depressed and down, but as of right now, I have deffinatly hit rock bottom. I see no good in my life, which is bullshit because I have great friends. I have a "fun" day and "good" things happen, but I can't recall any sense of "hooray!" in me.. It seems that lately I feel I would be better off in a looney bin or go away for the dirt nap. I contemplate life and death a lot. Suicide is on my mind. I'm not sure if it is that I want to commit suicide or that I have attempted it in that past and feel as though I could fully commit.. My mind has been taken over by a gloomy, dejected being that has no sense of beginning and ending.
I can't help but wonder where my life has gone. The days move by so slow and so much is happening around me, but I can't remember the expressions, the feeling, the sense of liveliness. I'm not quite sure if I ever have felt any of that. I feel like I am a living lie. I put on a happy face and cheer others up, totally pushing my misfortunate loss of feeling to the side. I'm trying harder to feel, but the harder I try the more I forget the feeling. Do I know love? Is there such thing a feeling? I don't know?¿
It is like I need someone to tell me when I should feel exciting, quixotic, sadness, happiness, or even love. I have no sense of direction. People can tell me it is a faze of I'm just in an odd state of mind right now. I guess, I will only truely ever know the deadness which lies underneath an expression of fake smiles.
Tomorrow will be my shortest day of the year..
In a coffin of beauty..~kendra