Something I've been thinking
I've been having a little hard time with controlling my emotions. I mean most days its not as bad but I always feel like my mind has brain fog and I can't even get my mind to bend to my will. I can barely even make my own desicions and its almost like things spiral out of control. But I always sit here with a blank stare and yet not shed a tear... is this even normal?
One of my friends suggested that I might be bipolar because of that too. But I always wonder if its more autistic-driven. Still, I do wonder every time I look at the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder and they do fit me quite well.
But I don't know the likelihood of having both autism and bipolar disorder is. It doesn't help having moderate to severe autism... which my parents 'claim' to be getting worse. I can't get the help I need because I'm over 22 and I should already be more capable of functioning and being able to live on my own.
It just gets to me because I do want to be capable yet everyone thinks I already am. It's like I have to try harder and not get any help to try harder. My mind spirals totally out of control until I'm either cutting myself or having some massive meltdown/outburst.
So anyway, onto the bipolar subject...
Symptoms of depression include:
• Intense feelings of sadness, despair and worthlessness
• Lack of interest in playing with friends (I can find it easy to be with one friend but in a whole group... I will withdraw completely because of the lack of social skills and overwhelming stimulation)
• An increase or decrease in sleeping and/or eating
• Feeling tired all the time
• Thoughts of death and/or suicide
• Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure
• Crying spells
• Irritability and/or fighting
• Physical complaints, like muscle aches and headaches or stomachaches
• Failing grades in school
• Difficulty concentrating
• In young children, having great difficulty separating from parents (I'm twenty two years old and I still can't be alone without having my parents with me... even if one of them is in the hospital and they have those one visitor only rules, I meltdown until they realize I can't be unsupervised and have to be with the one going in.)
Symptoms of mania include:
• Defiance and rage (This is more mild than severe but it depends. My mom tells me to do something and I just won't do it until she is screaming at me and I'm screaming at her... and I end up having massive outbursts by throwing things or slamming the door and locking it)
• Severe changes in mood, either extremely irritable or overly silly (My moods change everyday. One moment I could be squealing and laughing uncontrollably and the next I could be whimpering and sprawled on my bed filled with such emotion and everything)
• Increased energy
• Decreased need for sleep, ability to go with very little or no sleep for days without tiring (Whenever I am tired, I fall into this huge anxiety/depression spell where I want to die...)
• Increased talking, talks too much, too fast; changes topics too quickly; cannot be interrupted
• Distractibility, attention moves constantly from one thing to the next
• Physical agitation
• Disregard of risk, excessive involvement in risky behaviors or activities
Noticing this does make me realize that I have a lot of excessive anger. Its gotten to the point where my parents and others have found me rude for those outbursts and as for the depressive states... its harder to really express it properly without coming off as just having an anxiety attack or being depressed.
I've always wondered about my outbursts and uncontrolled emotions. There are days when it can be so bad that I literally just get all teary and start digging my nails into my skin. Nothing makes me happy in these spells and I know its not part of autism... unless it is and I just don't know it?
Another thing is that stress, even in the most mildest of forms, can cause me to just through the worst meltdowns. In school, I was always crying for my mom to come and get me out of school and bring me home because I hated school that much. I always feel like I want to crawl into a hole and be left alone.
I mena is this just something that could be part of autism or is there really a possibility my friend is right and I have Bipolar DIsorder? My friend was diagnosed with it as well... and what she's told me about the things she goes through pretty much seems relatable to me.
One of my friends suggested that I might be bipolar because of that too. But I always wonder if its more autistic-driven. Still, I do wonder every time I look at the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder and they do fit me quite well.
But I don't know the likelihood of having both autism and bipolar disorder is. It doesn't help having moderate to severe autism... which my parents 'claim' to be getting worse. I can't get the help I need because I'm over 22 and I should already be more capable of functioning and being able to live on my own.
It just gets to me because I do want to be capable yet everyone thinks I already am. It's like I have to try harder and not get any help to try harder. My mind spirals totally out of control until I'm either cutting myself or having some massive meltdown/outburst.
So anyway, onto the bipolar subject...
Symptoms of depression include:
• Intense feelings of sadness, despair and worthlessness
• Lack of interest in playing with friends (I can find it easy to be with one friend but in a whole group... I will withdraw completely because of the lack of social skills and overwhelming stimulation)
• An increase or decrease in sleeping and/or eating
• Feeling tired all the time
• Thoughts of death and/or suicide
• Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure
• Crying spells
• Irritability and/or fighting
• Physical complaints, like muscle aches and headaches or stomachaches
• Failing grades in school
• Difficulty concentrating
• In young children, having great difficulty separating from parents (I'm twenty two years old and I still can't be alone without having my parents with me... even if one of them is in the hospital and they have those one visitor only rules, I meltdown until they realize I can't be unsupervised and have to be with the one going in.)
Symptoms of mania include:
• Defiance and rage (This is more mild than severe but it depends. My mom tells me to do something and I just won't do it until she is screaming at me and I'm screaming at her... and I end up having massive outbursts by throwing things or slamming the door and locking it)
• Severe changes in mood, either extremely irritable or overly silly (My moods change everyday. One moment I could be squealing and laughing uncontrollably and the next I could be whimpering and sprawled on my bed filled with such emotion and everything)
• Increased energy
• Decreased need for sleep, ability to go with very little or no sleep for days without tiring (Whenever I am tired, I fall into this huge anxiety/depression spell where I want to die...)
• Increased talking, talks too much, too fast; changes topics too quickly; cannot be interrupted
• Distractibility, attention moves constantly from one thing to the next
• Physical agitation
• Disregard of risk, excessive involvement in risky behaviors or activities
Noticing this does make me realize that I have a lot of excessive anger. Its gotten to the point where my parents and others have found me rude for those outbursts and as for the depressive states... its harder to really express it properly without coming off as just having an anxiety attack or being depressed.
I've always wondered about my outbursts and uncontrolled emotions. There are days when it can be so bad that I literally just get all teary and start digging my nails into my skin. Nothing makes me happy in these spells and I know its not part of autism... unless it is and I just don't know it?
Another thing is that stress, even in the most mildest of forms, can cause me to just through the worst meltdowns. In school, I was always crying for my mom to come and get me out of school and bring me home because I hated school that much. I always feel like I want to crawl into a hole and be left alone.
I mena is this just something that could be part of autism or is there really a possibility my friend is right and I have Bipolar DIsorder? My friend was diagnosed with it as well... and what she's told me about the things she goes through pretty much seems relatable to me.