Friendship and Spouse advice for my trouble
I am a border-line aspie. I have 2 kids with aspergers and although not diagnosed as such, I have quite a few aspie traits. They sometimes get me in trouble. Days like today.
I have a friend who has kids on the spectrum too. We have had issues in the past between myself, her and her 19 year aspie daughter(fairly low functioning, about the level of my 11 year old daughter who is her best friend). I overstepped my bounds and said something to her daughter and she accused me of trying to criticize her parenting or trying to parent the daughter myself.
Today we went to a talent and art show put on by our local Autism group. The daughter (S.) was there with her family. S and both my kids performed. We were having fun, but it seems S has a crush on a "boy". He's really not a boy but a man of about 20 or so and is on the spectrum as well. S. was following him around and generally running after him. He seemed oblivious to her attraction to him. But to any spectator it was very apparent. She even wrote a song and sang it about having a crush on a guy and wanting him to kiss her. It was a very sweet song and I truly felt bad for her.
Anyways I was talking to her Mom afterwards and I mentioned maybe I should say something to her about how boys don't like girls who chase them. She said that she has had that conversation with her.
Now I remember a long time ago feeling like S and remembered how I felt. At that time I got that same advice from my Mom but also from my Aunts and friend's Moms and other adults in my life. They all said the same thing and I guess I felt I benefited from their advice. Especially since I felt my Mom was so old and out of touch with things. After all she had dated my Dad in the stoneage. At least that's how it felt to me. But everyone said the same thing so it must be true.
With those thoughts in my mind I asked if she thought I should reinterate the message. My friend accused me of trying to either tell her how to parent her child or of trying to parent S myself.
That is not what I intended, so I said OK I won't say anything, but I tried to explain why I thought it was more of a girl friend type conversation and would reinforce what she had already told her. She told me again I was trying to tell her how to parent her child, in a rather scolding manner. I admit my feelings were hurt. I was not trying to parent S. Since we both agreed that the advice was the right advice I just felt like she had slapped me in the face. I started to get a little teary and told her if it was my daughter and I agreed with the advice I would have no problem with her saying something to my daughter. She said it wasn't her place to say anything. I tried to explain my thoughts but I was getting more upset.
At about this time my husband wandered over and said what ever I was doing I should stop it. I tried to explain it to him and he just shook his head and told me to quit interfering. I was getting more upset so I just said "Fine it doesn't matter" "My feelings don't matter" She followed me out and said that my feelings do matter and she said she wants us to be friends and cares about our friendship.
I just felt like road kill. First I can't say anything to her for fear I'll say something wrong, then my husband doesn't ever have my back.
He says that I have no right to say anything to S about anything. Because he feels that way he can't back me up. He has his opinion and if I don't agree he won't back me up.
In a marriage I thought that's what people do, back each other up, even if you don't agree 100%. I have defended him to my family even if I don't agree 100% with him. I also go along with his wishes concerning his family even if I think he's sort of wrong about things. He's my husbnd and I thought we were a team. I guess we are only on the same side if he thinks I'm totally correct. (Plus he's a person who avoids conflict at any cost)
So 2 questions
Am I wrong to expect my husband to "have my back" and give me moral support when I am stressed(even if he doesn't agree 100% with me)?
Because I'm a parent I can't give "auntie,sisterly,girl-friendy,adult woman to young woman" advice to another person's 19 year old daughter?
Constructive help would be appreciated...
I have a friend who has kids on the spectrum too. We have had issues in the past between myself, her and her 19 year aspie daughter(fairly low functioning, about the level of my 11 year old daughter who is her best friend). I overstepped my bounds and said something to her daughter and she accused me of trying to criticize her parenting or trying to parent the daughter myself.
Today we went to a talent and art show put on by our local Autism group. The daughter (S.) was there with her family. S and both my kids performed. We were having fun, but it seems S has a crush on a "boy". He's really not a boy but a man of about 20 or so and is on the spectrum as well. S. was following him around and generally running after him. He seemed oblivious to her attraction to him. But to any spectator it was very apparent. She even wrote a song and sang it about having a crush on a guy and wanting him to kiss her. It was a very sweet song and I truly felt bad for her.
Anyways I was talking to her Mom afterwards and I mentioned maybe I should say something to her about how boys don't like girls who chase them. She said that she has had that conversation with her.
Now I remember a long time ago feeling like S and remembered how I felt. At that time I got that same advice from my Mom but also from my Aunts and friend's Moms and other adults in my life. They all said the same thing and I guess I felt I benefited from their advice. Especially since I felt my Mom was so old and out of touch with things. After all she had dated my Dad in the stoneage. At least that's how it felt to me. But everyone said the same thing so it must be true.
With those thoughts in my mind I asked if she thought I should reinterate the message. My friend accused me of trying to either tell her how to parent her child or of trying to parent S myself.
That is not what I intended, so I said OK I won't say anything, but I tried to explain why I thought it was more of a girl friend type conversation and would reinforce what she had already told her. She told me again I was trying to tell her how to parent her child, in a rather scolding manner. I admit my feelings were hurt. I was not trying to parent S. Since we both agreed that the advice was the right advice I just felt like she had slapped me in the face. I started to get a little teary and told her if it was my daughter and I agreed with the advice I would have no problem with her saying something to my daughter. She said it wasn't her place to say anything. I tried to explain my thoughts but I was getting more upset.
At about this time my husband wandered over and said what ever I was doing I should stop it. I tried to explain it to him and he just shook his head and told me to quit interfering. I was getting more upset so I just said "Fine it doesn't matter" "My feelings don't matter" She followed me out and said that my feelings do matter and she said she wants us to be friends and cares about our friendship.
I just felt like road kill. First I can't say anything to her for fear I'll say something wrong, then my husband doesn't ever have my back.
He says that I have no right to say anything to S about anything. Because he feels that way he can't back me up. He has his opinion and if I don't agree he won't back me up.
In a marriage I thought that's what people do, back each other up, even if you don't agree 100%. I have defended him to my family even if I don't agree 100% with him. I also go along with his wishes concerning his family even if I think he's sort of wrong about things. He's my husbnd and I thought we were a team. I guess we are only on the same side if he thinks I'm totally correct. (Plus he's a person who avoids conflict at any cost)
So 2 questions
Am I wrong to expect my husband to "have my back" and give me moral support when I am stressed(even if he doesn't agree 100% with me)?
Because I'm a parent I can't give "auntie,sisterly,girl-friendy,adult woman to young woman" advice to another person's 19 year old daughter?
Constructive help would be appreciated...