painting a picture of my work world
well, you know how i was talking about a new job the other day? well this job, i was just handed. the truth is, i shouldn't have taken it. i thought i could handle it but i could not.
i knew that my anxiety would be sky-high. i knew that i would have to talk to people. i knew that it would most likely not be the best job for me, but i honestly tried.
i couldn't bring myself to come in on tuesday. i called and quit and they ask "well, maybe you can work saturdays?" and all i could think was "what part of 'NO' or 'I QUIT' do you not get?"
i used my grandmother and mother's illnesses as an excuse and that i just couldn't commit to them like i thought i could. they previously knew how much stress i was under about this anyway, because it's the truth. (although i insinuated that my grandmother needed me right away when i'm still not completely certain when she needs me to take her to phoenix to see the cancer center and i have to take care of her. [this is the same grandma i wrote about before, btw. what a messed up situation i'm in, i have to take care of this woman that neglected and emotionally abused me my whole life? well.. maybe it's that chance i was hoping for to bond with her, but i have a good idea she'll be too busy being sick from all the chemo she's gonna go have.. and this is another run off, i apologise.])
i still feel shameful for not trying harder.. but i know that i've been told several times "your happiness is what matters most" and i think i need to take from that sometimes. this feel like one of those times.
what i don't think i've talked about here is the job i've had on and off for the past four or five years.
i've been a camgirl for a very long time. which would, mean that i am a sex worker. for anyone that doesn't know what this is; i strip, i tease, i masturbate (and i share some random, non-sexual parts of my life with interweb people too,) via my webcam, in the saftey and comfort of my own home.
and i love it. i can work as little or as much as i like or need to. i am non-religious so it doesn't clash with any beliefs that i have and morally speaking, i feel like it's empowering and not degrading to myself because i enjoy it. if it was unpleasant i would not do it, and there are things in which i do not do because they are uncomfortable.
to have gone from this to any of the other jobs i have had has been tough, but i promise i've been trying hard. it's not easy when your employer talks to you like you're fucking stupid all the time, though. i think people get most impatient with me for having an auditory cognition problem. i mean, i can hear fine, but it's the putting noises into a sentence that is tough- and it's most difficult over the phone.
as a sex worker, i have tried to offer phone sex too, but the phone anxiety is too much. so i do not offer such services anymore. (which would be an example of things that i do not do because they make me uncomfortable.)
i have talked to other camgirls extensively about mental illness and disorders, we've all shared what we've been formally diagnosed with and what we think we may have and it's very interesting that there are so many girls from different walks of life that are in this industry. what i find particularly interesting, is that a large majority of them that have a psychologist to talk to, don't talk about what they do on the internet with them. this makes me most curious.
i don't tell extended family members for a whole list or reasons, but among important people to talk to about it, i kind of feel that it would be most beneficial for a psychologist to know what i do? no?
i am only speculating that i may get the opportunity to speak with a psychologist about this and i say speculating because i've still had a hard time seeing anyone about my possible ASD, but i still imagine that letting them know that i can only seem to hold a job in which i'm my own boss so to speak is important in proving my severe anxiety. even if i'm not paid attention to specifically for ASD i still know that i need help with my anxiety. whether it's pills or just more talking about stuff, i need help. my anxiety has gotten so bad that i sometimes can't even work from home like i so love. there are sometimes i'm talking with a member of a site i'm on and a can't tell if they're making fun of me or not, and i chose to ignore it- i'm often told "wow, you're so smooth! people talk shit to you but you just don't care! that's so sexy!" which is good, i think i like that- it means that a.) i'm gonna be more popular with my audience and b.)i'm obviously good at hiding my inner panic and freak outs. however, it's really frustrating because sometimes people will troll my ass even harder just to get a raise out of me. which i am so glad hasn't worked, but the panic is still there. when i look back at cetain situations my blood boils still from the thought of all the bullying that i still can't seem to escape, but i find it comical that they still couldn't nudge me. now if i had phone anxiety and or personal-one-on-one-IRL anxiety, i might lose my shit.. i feel like for now, this is the perfect job for me. but it doesn't pay well unless you extend all your energy to be on multiple adult sites and reading modeling contracts is VERY important- so the more sites you're on, the more money you make, but the more sites you're on, the more frustrating things can get.
*shrug* i suppose i felt it necessary for me to share this all with you because i had a question or two: what would be any good reason to not mention to a psychologist what i do? and how many of you have worked in the sex industry? (strippers, camgirls, models, escorts..?)
i am most interested in the second answer and have been for a long time.. because i know that a lot of you/us? are rather sexual. in my case, i'm insatiably sexual. i can't help but have a one track mind.
on a related note, i think that i'm more knowledgeable and capable of things of a sexual nature than most "normal" people. this might have been because sex has always been an obsession of mine from a very young age and still is. (obviously.) i'm curious how many of you have also considered being in the sex industry if you haven't actually done it?
i didn't particularly bring this up for a flame war- i hope that anyone that is offended by my line of work can understand that what's not right for some, may be fine for others. though i'm pretty positive that i am talking to a large number of very intelligent people, so i'm sure i'm not gonna hear something about how i'm making baby jesus cry, but.. you never know.. i never know, anyway. that's for certain. which is why i don't talk about this very often: i respect a great lot of you so much i don't wish to offend so i haven't mentioned it earlier. in my most recent work related question, i was told "do what you like/love" and "i know that being my own boss helped me." and i was overwhelmed to say "i agree!" or "well you see, i had that and still do.. but now i don't have time for my favorite job now that i fucked myself over by accepting another job that seems to want more of me than they said they did."
okay i think i'm finally done with this post. recap of questions i have:
1.) what would be any good reason to not mention to a psychologist what i do?
2.) how many of you have worked in the sex industry? (strippers, camgirls, models, escorts..?)
3.) how many of you have considered being in the sex industry?
*later edited to have comment screening so that i'm the only one with sensitive answers. thanks!
i knew that my anxiety would be sky-high. i knew that i would have to talk to people. i knew that it would most likely not be the best job for me, but i honestly tried.
i couldn't bring myself to come in on tuesday. i called and quit and they ask "well, maybe you can work saturdays?" and all i could think was "what part of 'NO' or 'I QUIT' do you not get?"
i used my grandmother and mother's illnesses as an excuse and that i just couldn't commit to them like i thought i could. they previously knew how much stress i was under about this anyway, because it's the truth. (although i insinuated that my grandmother needed me right away when i'm still not completely certain when she needs me to take her to phoenix to see the cancer center and i have to take care of her. [this is the same grandma i wrote about before, btw. what a messed up situation i'm in, i have to take care of this woman that neglected and emotionally abused me my whole life? well.. maybe it's that chance i was hoping for to bond with her, but i have a good idea she'll be too busy being sick from all the chemo she's gonna go have.. and this is another run off, i apologise.])
i still feel shameful for not trying harder.. but i know that i've been told several times "your happiness is what matters most" and i think i need to take from that sometimes. this feel like one of those times.
what i don't think i've talked about here is the job i've had on and off for the past four or five years.
i've been a camgirl for a very long time. which would, mean that i am a sex worker. for anyone that doesn't know what this is; i strip, i tease, i masturbate (and i share some random, non-sexual parts of my life with interweb people too,) via my webcam, in the saftey and comfort of my own home.
and i love it. i can work as little or as much as i like or need to. i am non-religious so it doesn't clash with any beliefs that i have and morally speaking, i feel like it's empowering and not degrading to myself because i enjoy it. if it was unpleasant i would not do it, and there are things in which i do not do because they are uncomfortable.
to have gone from this to any of the other jobs i have had has been tough, but i promise i've been trying hard. it's not easy when your employer talks to you like you're fucking stupid all the time, though. i think people get most impatient with me for having an auditory cognition problem. i mean, i can hear fine, but it's the putting noises into a sentence that is tough- and it's most difficult over the phone.
as a sex worker, i have tried to offer phone sex too, but the phone anxiety is too much. so i do not offer such services anymore. (which would be an example of things that i do not do because they make me uncomfortable.)
i have talked to other camgirls extensively about mental illness and disorders, we've all shared what we've been formally diagnosed with and what we think we may have and it's very interesting that there are so many girls from different walks of life that are in this industry. what i find particularly interesting, is that a large majority of them that have a psychologist to talk to, don't talk about what they do on the internet with them. this makes me most curious.
i don't tell extended family members for a whole list or reasons, but among important people to talk to about it, i kind of feel that it would be most beneficial for a psychologist to know what i do? no?
i am only speculating that i may get the opportunity to speak with a psychologist about this and i say speculating because i've still had a hard time seeing anyone about my possible ASD, but i still imagine that letting them know that i can only seem to hold a job in which i'm my own boss so to speak is important in proving my severe anxiety. even if i'm not paid attention to specifically for ASD i still know that i need help with my anxiety. whether it's pills or just more talking about stuff, i need help. my anxiety has gotten so bad that i sometimes can't even work from home like i so love. there are sometimes i'm talking with a member of a site i'm on and a can't tell if they're making fun of me or not, and i chose to ignore it- i'm often told "wow, you're so smooth! people talk shit to you but you just don't care! that's so sexy!" which is good, i think i like that- it means that a.) i'm gonna be more popular with my audience and b.)i'm obviously good at hiding my inner panic and freak outs. however, it's really frustrating because sometimes people will troll my ass even harder just to get a raise out of me. which i am so glad hasn't worked, but the panic is still there. when i look back at cetain situations my blood boils still from the thought of all the bullying that i still can't seem to escape, but i find it comical that they still couldn't nudge me. now if i had phone anxiety and or personal-one-on-one-IRL anxiety, i might lose my shit.. i feel like for now, this is the perfect job for me. but it doesn't pay well unless you extend all your energy to be on multiple adult sites and reading modeling contracts is VERY important- so the more sites you're on, the more money you make, but the more sites you're on, the more frustrating things can get.
*shrug* i suppose i felt it necessary for me to share this all with you because i had a question or two: what would be any good reason to not mention to a psychologist what i do? and how many of you have worked in the sex industry? (strippers, camgirls, models, escorts..?)
i am most interested in the second answer and have been for a long time.. because i know that a lot of you/us? are rather sexual. in my case, i'm insatiably sexual. i can't help but have a one track mind.
on a related note, i think that i'm more knowledgeable and capable of things of a sexual nature than most "normal" people. this might have been because sex has always been an obsession of mine from a very young age and still is. (obviously.) i'm curious how many of you have also considered being in the sex industry if you haven't actually done it?
i didn't particularly bring this up for a flame war- i hope that anyone that is offended by my line of work can understand that what's not right for some, may be fine for others. though i'm pretty positive that i am talking to a large number of very intelligent people, so i'm sure i'm not gonna hear something about how i'm making baby jesus cry, but.. you never know.. i never know, anyway. that's for certain. which is why i don't talk about this very often: i respect a great lot of you so much i don't wish to offend so i haven't mentioned it earlier. in my most recent work related question, i was told "do what you like/love" and "i know that being my own boss helped me." and i was overwhelmed to say "i agree!" or "well you see, i had that and still do.. but now i don't have time for my favorite job now that i fucked myself over by accepting another job that seems to want more of me than they said they did."
okay i think i'm finally done with this post. recap of questions i have:
1.) what would be any good reason to not mention to a psychologist what i do?
2.) how many of you have worked in the sex industry? (strippers, camgirls, models, escorts..?)
3.) how many of you have considered being in the sex industry?
*later edited to have comment screening so that i'm the only one with sensitive answers. thanks!