asdfjkl;!!! GUH!!!
I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but man I had a rough day. It occurred to me today that my main problem with work (well these days, it's LACK of it, har har, but I mean in regards to the issues I've had with various jobs) is that I suck at separating personal from professional...in other words, if my boss or whoever, is a douche to me, I take it personally, when perhaps I shouldn't. And also, I had a really awkward conversation today that, the whole time it was happening, I thought to myself, "I really shouldn't be having this conversation RIGHT HERE, RIGHT THIS MINUTE." And yet, I couldn't seem to say, "Can we talk about this later?" It was just a bad situation.
Basically, I worked for this hack film school, let's just say it rhymes with Jew York Film Academy, and while I was there, I had a bad encounter with one of the teachers (I was a teaching assistant) in a class I was working in. He yelled at me in front of the whole class and called me a fucking idiot. I lost it and left the room and started crying, not in front of everyone, but a few students saw me. I spoke to one of the higher-ups at the school and was assured that my job was safe and that something would be done about it. Of course, nothing happened and this guy still teaches there. A few months went by and during this time, I wouldn't have been working for them anyway, since the schedule didn't require it...so I kinda figured things had blown over. I then decided to make amends with this teacher and just let it go, which I told him, and I told the two people I'd talked to already. Everything seemed cool.
Prior to this, I'd had another incident where I was working on a shoot with a camera from the school, and I happened to lose one of the pieces of equipment, a small camera accessory that costs about $300. It was Panavision equipment and since you can't buy Panavision gear, I offered to pay for a replacement FOR Panavision, since they were lending the camera to the school and I didn't want to 1) jeopardize the school's relationship with Panavision and 2) make it seem to the school like I didn't care that this had happened. Again, between one thing and another, this incident got lost in the shuffle and all I said was that eventually I would write the school a check.
Which, might I add, is above and beyond what most people would do. Things like this get lost on jobs all the time, stuff gets broken, shit happens, and insurance covers it. It's not like the school or Panavision do not have insurance. So for me to offer to do this, was pretty atypical, which I don't think the school realized. I just figured it was the right thing to do and that it would keep me in their good graces.
Except that I forgot about it, until today when on a whim, I went over to the school to stick my head in the door and try to kinda clear the air formally. The last time I'd spoken to the guy who does the scheduling, I was told that despite having made amends with this teacher, it was requested by higher-ups at the school that I NOT work with him again. So first of all, I was essentially lied to in regards to the safety and security of my job there...and second of all, I was left high and dry with no work. This was back in August. So when I showed up today, I thought, well, I'll see what happens, maybe that one teacher is not there anymore anyway.
This was where the conversation went super-awkward. The scheduling/equipment supervisor reminded me again of that piece of Panavision equipment and accused me of "dodging" the school. I said that part of why I can't pay for it yet is because of the hours I lost at the school anyway. I offered to essentially work it off, and I guess that was just a ridiculous idea, because he completely dismissed it, and then said that I'm considered a 'freelance' employee of the school anyway, so my issue with them taking me off the schedule is moot...(funny, I still was able to get unemployment from them) and that by going BACK on my complaint about this teacher, I made HIS life harder since he had to deal with all the repercussions of getting the teacher in trouble and so on.
The whole time we were going around and around in circles about this, people were starting to kinda wonder what the hell was happening and though I tried to hide it, I'm sure they could tell from my body language that it wasn't a good conversation and it definitely wasn't a good time. I should have trusted my instincts and just stayed away from these people, but poverty makes you do strange things. I wrote the equipment guy an email apologizing for putting him on the spot and said that when I thought about it, he was right anyway, and that's that.
But the fact remains that he took this really passive-aggressive stance about the money I apparently owe the school ("Don't worry about it, everyone forgot about it"- but obviously HE didn't, so what the fuck?!) and that this is all something he should have, as I pointed out, simply TOLD ME three months ago. I'm annoyed that I wasted my time, I'm embarrassed that I made such an impression to these fucking people, and I'm sad and sickened with myself for continually getting into situations like these. I wanted to sink into the goddamn floor and die. I feel like I can't win.
So, what the fuck? I mean, is the whole thing truly absurd, am I at fault, what is the deal? I need outsiders' opinions. I'm really sick of myself right now. I'm really trying to work on how I deal with people, especially professionally, and shit like this doesn't make it easier. I give myself credit for being civil, not yelling, not crying, not saying anything ridiculous, and I've pretty much let it go already, but I still just sort of have this sick feeling in my stomach. I would LOVE to disconnect myself as much as possible from everyone I work with unless I know it'll be a positive connection, but why does everyone else have to make it so fucking hard for me to be the ice-cold professional that I know I should be?
Sigh. Apply head to desk, with excessive force. Repeat. Thanks for listening, kids.
Basically, I worked for this hack film school, let's just say it rhymes with Jew York Film Academy, and while I was there, I had a bad encounter with one of the teachers (I was a teaching assistant) in a class I was working in. He yelled at me in front of the whole class and called me a fucking idiot. I lost it and left the room and started crying, not in front of everyone, but a few students saw me. I spoke to one of the higher-ups at the school and was assured that my job was safe and that something would be done about it. Of course, nothing happened and this guy still teaches there. A few months went by and during this time, I wouldn't have been working for them anyway, since the schedule didn't require it...so I kinda figured things had blown over. I then decided to make amends with this teacher and just let it go, which I told him, and I told the two people I'd talked to already. Everything seemed cool.
Prior to this, I'd had another incident where I was working on a shoot with a camera from the school, and I happened to lose one of the pieces of equipment, a small camera accessory that costs about $300. It was Panavision equipment and since you can't buy Panavision gear, I offered to pay for a replacement FOR Panavision, since they were lending the camera to the school and I didn't want to 1) jeopardize the school's relationship with Panavision and 2) make it seem to the school like I didn't care that this had happened. Again, between one thing and another, this incident got lost in the shuffle and all I said was that eventually I would write the school a check.
Which, might I add, is above and beyond what most people would do. Things like this get lost on jobs all the time, stuff gets broken, shit happens, and insurance covers it. It's not like the school or Panavision do not have insurance. So for me to offer to do this, was pretty atypical, which I don't think the school realized. I just figured it was the right thing to do and that it would keep me in their good graces.
Except that I forgot about it, until today when on a whim, I went over to the school to stick my head in the door and try to kinda clear the air formally. The last time I'd spoken to the guy who does the scheduling, I was told that despite having made amends with this teacher, it was requested by higher-ups at the school that I NOT work with him again. So first of all, I was essentially lied to in regards to the safety and security of my job there...and second of all, I was left high and dry with no work. This was back in August. So when I showed up today, I thought, well, I'll see what happens, maybe that one teacher is not there anymore anyway.
This was where the conversation went super-awkward. The scheduling/equipment supervisor reminded me again of that piece of Panavision equipment and accused me of "dodging" the school. I said that part of why I can't pay for it yet is because of the hours I lost at the school anyway. I offered to essentially work it off, and I guess that was just a ridiculous idea, because he completely dismissed it, and then said that I'm considered a 'freelance' employee of the school anyway, so my issue with them taking me off the schedule is moot...(funny, I still was able to get unemployment from them) and that by going BACK on my complaint about this teacher, I made HIS life harder since he had to deal with all the repercussions of getting the teacher in trouble and so on.
The whole time we were going around and around in circles about this, people were starting to kinda wonder what the hell was happening and though I tried to hide it, I'm sure they could tell from my body language that it wasn't a good conversation and it definitely wasn't a good time. I should have trusted my instincts and just stayed away from these people, but poverty makes you do strange things. I wrote the equipment guy an email apologizing for putting him on the spot and said that when I thought about it, he was right anyway, and that's that.
But the fact remains that he took this really passive-aggressive stance about the money I apparently owe the school ("Don't worry about it, everyone forgot about it"- but obviously HE didn't, so what the fuck?!) and that this is all something he should have, as I pointed out, simply TOLD ME three months ago. I'm annoyed that I wasted my time, I'm embarrassed that I made such an impression to these fucking people, and I'm sad and sickened with myself for continually getting into situations like these. I wanted to sink into the goddamn floor and die. I feel like I can't win.
So, what the fuck? I mean, is the whole thing truly absurd, am I at fault, what is the deal? I need outsiders' opinions. I'm really sick of myself right now. I'm really trying to work on how I deal with people, especially professionally, and shit like this doesn't make it easier. I give myself credit for being civil, not yelling, not crying, not saying anything ridiculous, and I've pretty much let it go already, but I still just sort of have this sick feeling in my stomach. I would LOVE to disconnect myself as much as possible from everyone I work with unless I know it'll be a positive connection, but why does everyone else have to make it so fucking hard for me to be the ice-cold professional that I know I should be?
Sigh. Apply head to desk, with excessive force. Repeat. Thanks for listening, kids.