COMUNICATION
Does anyone here have problems with coming across as too intense or aggressive? My family says that I intimidate people because I am too aggressive. I have tried to not do this, but I can't figure out what it is that I am doing wrong. I have asked my family to explain what I am doing wrong, but I just don't understand why people feel the way
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The basic concept that really helps me not to come across as aggressive, even though I'm intense, is to remember that almost everyone is insecure and wants to be liked, no matter how "normal" they are, and it doesn't come easy for anyone even if it seems that way to us.
How that translates into softening my interaction with people is:
1. give signals that you are listening when it's their turn to talk. You don't have to stare into their eyes, but watch their mouth if that's comfortable, or if not, nod and say "mm-hmm" or similar at appropriate times and at least glance at their face from time to time.
2. give signals that you don't despise them or look down on them even though you disagree with them -- I will sometimes briefly touch their arm, or smile, if possible acknowledge something they said that's right or an innovative way of looking at something, even if overall they're wrong.
3. when it's your turn to talk, rather than starting out with "that's b.s., you don't know what you're talking about" (or even "no, that's wrong, and I'll tell you why..."), I will say "I see it differently ... the way I understand it is that ....", or "Actually, I've done some research on that issue, and what I have found is that...". The difference is that you start out with the focus on you and what you think or know, instead of focusing on what they've said. Instead of reacting, you are reciprocating, you see? It makes people much less defensive.
Hope that helps.
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