off again.
What has it been, two days since we "got back together?" Well, said status has been reversed. A-fucking-gain.
More is behind the cut. I dissolve into a whirl in here and I'm not sure I said things in the way I mean them, so take things with a grain of salt or something.
Patsy was the girl who broke his heart the summer before he went to college. Patsy has spent the past year in a foreign country, which has a name starting with "P" but the rest escapes me. Patsy is going to college in Boston in August. Patsy, while hanging out with William last night, told him the reason she couldn't be with him when they were together was because of relationship issues, not how she felt about him. William, despite just so recently asking me back out, engaged her in discussion on this topic.
Suddenly a whole load of trust I had in him has dissolved.
He says everyone around him thinks that maybe he should end up with me, but right now he should see other people and "find out what's out there." He said in a perfect world he could date other people and I could date other people and we could date each other and he wouldn't be jealous and feel like he was losing me. He also said his feelings for me were very intense but he didn't know where to put them right now.
I was really considering doing the just dating thing, I really think I could have accepted it. I don't, however, want to do it if it feels like I'm jumping through hoops and bending over backwards and making all the concessions to do it. After all those long emotion-twisting phone calls and holding him as he cried and being the strong supporting shoulder, I guess I just wanted someone to put in a little effort for me this time. That icy calm "I do want to date you, I wish you'd remember that and not keep bringing it up every time we talk" and "I can't make the decision, you do it" of his really doesn't ring true to me right now.
"I want you...I want to completely severe the relationship...I want to just be on break instead...I want to be your boyfriend...I want to see other people to find want I want from life and you can decide if you want to still date or not." Only an English major would think words speak louder than actions right now. He says all that proves that he's thinking about his actions and not just jumping into a relationship.
He at one point said that maybe I should find someone who will just say "yes" to being in a relationship even if they're not sure if that's right, if that's what I want. I at the time, was not suggesting anything like that and had already said, more than once, that clearly we could not be in an exclusive relationship at this time. He probably had come up with that little snip-it before and just wanted to stick it in there somewhere, wanted to demonize me just a little so his actions would be easier. I really like to think all that strength and understanding and patience I've been draining myself of for him would show I didn't want some yes-man relationship and cared about his well-being.
I want respect, I want to be wanted and cared about, I don't want to be tossed about like a rag doll for the sake of someone else's quest. I don't want to have the responsibility of shoved on me so I can be blamed.
I am not a wounded little puppy. I am a woman scorned. I am emotion and brimstone.
Being the calm, stone, all-forgiving goddess is nice and all, but lord it feels nice to just be a human at this moment. Fuck all that calm rational talk. Fuck trying to be considerate and making things work. Fuck being tossed around from status to status and then having some sort of blame for that being shoved on me.
Mind you, I'm not bitter about being that statuesque figure. I didn't mind it at all, I wanted to be there for him. I'm just a little melted right now and that's okay too.
I'm not saying I hate him or he's an asshole, I don't feel like that at all. I am saying that I'm angry. And, hell, maybe I'm reveling in my right to be angry right now. Please, if you care about me, don't try to rationalize me out of these feelings - I'm damn good at doing that kind of thing on my own, I'm sure when the time comes I will.
For the time being, we are broken up. As a credit to my self respect, I said the words (in the "real shit going down" phone conversation we had today). I still care about him, but I don't want to have to chase him down right now.
I got mom and Steve a Creme Brulee torch set for their wedding gift and tonight I get to help them test it out for the first time. Yah!
Also, everytime I try to go to my friend's page the window locks up and has to shut down. What up?
More is behind the cut. I dissolve into a whirl in here and I'm not sure I said things in the way I mean them, so take things with a grain of salt or something.
Patsy was the girl who broke his heart the summer before he went to college. Patsy has spent the past year in a foreign country, which has a name starting with "P" but the rest escapes me. Patsy is going to college in Boston in August. Patsy, while hanging out with William last night, told him the reason she couldn't be with him when they were together was because of relationship issues, not how she felt about him. William, despite just so recently asking me back out, engaged her in discussion on this topic.
Suddenly a whole load of trust I had in him has dissolved.
He says everyone around him thinks that maybe he should end up with me, but right now he should see other people and "find out what's out there." He said in a perfect world he could date other people and I could date other people and we could date each other and he wouldn't be jealous and feel like he was losing me. He also said his feelings for me were very intense but he didn't know where to put them right now.
I was really considering doing the just dating thing, I really think I could have accepted it. I don't, however, want to do it if it feels like I'm jumping through hoops and bending over backwards and making all the concessions to do it. After all those long emotion-twisting phone calls and holding him as he cried and being the strong supporting shoulder, I guess I just wanted someone to put in a little effort for me this time. That icy calm "I do want to date you, I wish you'd remember that and not keep bringing it up every time we talk" and "I can't make the decision, you do it" of his really doesn't ring true to me right now.
"I want you...I want to completely severe the relationship...I want to just be on break instead...I want to be your boyfriend...I want to see other people to find want I want from life and you can decide if you want to still date or not." Only an English major would think words speak louder than actions right now. He says all that proves that he's thinking about his actions and not just jumping into a relationship.
He at one point said that maybe I should find someone who will just say "yes" to being in a relationship even if they're not sure if that's right, if that's what I want. I at the time, was not suggesting anything like that and had already said, more than once, that clearly we could not be in an exclusive relationship at this time. He probably had come up with that little snip-it before and just wanted to stick it in there somewhere, wanted to demonize me just a little so his actions would be easier. I really like to think all that strength and understanding and patience I've been draining myself of for him would show I didn't want some yes-man relationship and cared about his well-being.
I want respect, I want to be wanted and cared about, I don't want to be tossed about like a rag doll for the sake of someone else's quest. I don't want to have the responsibility of shoved on me so I can be blamed.
I am not a wounded little puppy. I am a woman scorned. I am emotion and brimstone.
Being the calm, stone, all-forgiving goddess is nice and all, but lord it feels nice to just be a human at this moment. Fuck all that calm rational talk. Fuck trying to be considerate and making things work. Fuck being tossed around from status to status and then having some sort of blame for that being shoved on me.
Mind you, I'm not bitter about being that statuesque figure. I didn't mind it at all, I wanted to be there for him. I'm just a little melted right now and that's okay too.
I'm not saying I hate him or he's an asshole, I don't feel like that at all. I am saying that I'm angry. And, hell, maybe I'm reveling in my right to be angry right now. Please, if you care about me, don't try to rationalize me out of these feelings - I'm damn good at doing that kind of thing on my own, I'm sure when the time comes I will.
For the time being, we are broken up. As a credit to my self respect, I said the words (in the "real shit going down" phone conversation we had today). I still care about him, but I don't want to have to chase him down right now.
I got mom and Steve a Creme Brulee torch set for their wedding gift and tonight I get to help them test it out for the first time. Yah!
Also, everytime I try to go to my friend's page the window locks up and has to shut down. What up?