Don't know how to say it...
Well, here I am wallowing in some kind of strange misery... I feel really shitty about something that happened this weekend and I don't know how to feel good about everything again. Somehow, I have the strange suspicion that I deserve to feel this way... that my actions of late have only been building up to this sort-of break... Don't be too concerned, what I am talking about is not something that actually happened as opposed to something that has been going on internally for a long time. I feel a little afloat... the old Protestant in me immediately wants to know what it is that I have done. (I hear this question in my head in my mother's voice. "I heard a crash in the kitchen, Robin. What are you into?") So there's this element of guilt, of course, and an opposing element, the knowledge of grace, the reality of forgiveness in the face of perfection. (I might assert this very struggle to be the greatest conflict of the human race.) The problem with God's perfect grace is that I am tempted to take and take and never give anything in return... I am tempted to let everything be ok, to never improve upon myself, to take advantage of the fact that Daddy will always bail me out and I'll never make anything of myself... I even have a problem with the phrase "make smtg of myself" because I know that ANYTHING of value that I will ever do or become is going to be ONLY due to the grace of God... So, well, what do I do? Who do I try to be? Who is out there to care but the "faceless man?"
Or does He care either?
Yes, I know He does, but it doesn't stop this wild, whipping doubt. And it certainly doesn't stop the guilt... even when He whispers in my ear, "Robin, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
I've taken upon myself the job of "Role Model." I feel like I need to have the answers and I freak out when I don't... What if someone needs me while I am here in this lonely, unsure place? I should be the one to have it all together.
I'm no different than everyone else. I feel a little scared...
Or does He care either?
Yes, I know He does, but it doesn't stop this wild, whipping doubt. And it certainly doesn't stop the guilt... even when He whispers in my ear, "Robin, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
I've taken upon myself the job of "Role Model." I feel like I need to have the answers and I freak out when I don't... What if someone needs me while I am here in this lonely, unsure place? I should be the one to have it all together.
I'm no different than everyone else. I feel a little scared...