Extinguishing trangressions
I think people put far too much stake in finding love (myself included.) We over think, we over analyze it and envision this grand, wonderful, perfect thing that we’re so sure is waiting out there. Thinking about it, makes one feel even more impatient and frustrated; finally a point comes when one feels as if she/he has simply waited too long. Meet people and fall into these fantastic, passionate, intense affairs with them without thinking twice about it. Without considering that the people themselves weren’t the great loves they were looking for; they weren’t even necessarily good for them in the first place. Simply became tired of waiting. I have had a long history of jumping right in.
So, I’ve been those people. And I don’t know when it happened, but at some point I looked in the mirror and said, “Slow the fuck down.” I was falling way too hard and way too fast, with someone who was a completely bad match for me. And the cycle repeats, I was becoming involved in failed relationship after failed relationship, all because I wanted-nay, needed!-to find The One. That undoubtedly must have been how I got myself stuck here. We loved each other but love can be a hard mistress and in this instance it has been the lowest of all, like sandpaper causing a constant friction that grinds against each other eroding the core. The passionate whirlwind has turned into a disaster cloud.
Now…do I still believe in a grand, perfect, wonderful love, an epic Shakespearean love created from the deepest oceans of destiny? Oh hell, I don’t know. Maybe? I mean, I am a girl and I do get a little misty when I watch certain movies. Or when I see that “happy old couple” somewhere who are so cute in their devotion to one another that it is poignant and moving. Especially after all the years, they have spent with one another, their love still exists. I know that I love him and he loves me. But I understand that we don't make each other laugh for hours. WE don't lay at bed at night talking. I know that we really, really love having sex with each other. But I realize despite any explanation, he doesn't understands me. And if he knew me better he would be kinder. Our fights are maddening. He said yesterday in the pale light of day that "my tone of voice makes me want to break something." I am realizing a way out, so that I can go on with a happy (single) life. I love myself enough to get out.
It’s funny, I realize that the next phase is to slow down my pace and fall out of my race for a quick and necessary romantic fix. And to realize the words of Oscar Wilde, “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
So, I’ve been those people. And I don’t know when it happened, but at some point I looked in the mirror and said, “Slow the fuck down.” I was falling way too hard and way too fast, with someone who was a completely bad match for me. And the cycle repeats, I was becoming involved in failed relationship after failed relationship, all because I wanted-nay, needed!-to find The One. That undoubtedly must have been how I got myself stuck here. We loved each other but love can be a hard mistress and in this instance it has been the lowest of all, like sandpaper causing a constant friction that grinds against each other eroding the core. The passionate whirlwind has turned into a disaster cloud.
Now…do I still believe in a grand, perfect, wonderful love, an epic Shakespearean love created from the deepest oceans of destiny? Oh hell, I don’t know. Maybe? I mean, I am a girl and I do get a little misty when I watch certain movies. Or when I see that “happy old couple” somewhere who are so cute in their devotion to one another that it is poignant and moving. Especially after all the years, they have spent with one another, their love still exists. I know that I love him and he loves me. But I understand that we don't make each other laugh for hours. WE don't lay at bed at night talking. I know that we really, really love having sex with each other. But I realize despite any explanation, he doesn't understands me. And if he knew me better he would be kinder. Our fights are maddening. He said yesterday in the pale light of day that "my tone of voice makes me want to break something." I am realizing a way out, so that I can go on with a happy (single) life. I love myself enough to get out.
It’s funny, I realize that the next phase is to slow down my pace and fall out of my race for a quick and necessary romantic fix. And to realize the words of Oscar Wilde, “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”