realizations

Jun 05, 2012 22:44

im trying to remember the monumental realizations that ive had in the past. such as the realization that every bit of paranoia instilled in me by my mother was simply urban myth, that my parents were once as young and clueless as i was, that nobody really ever knows what the fuck is going on. that i was a judgmental fuck. that i was capable as being just as ass backwards and wrong as every other sorry fuck ive ever loathed or dispised. ive always done things my own way, talked dressed and acted my own way. never fucked a girl i didnt love. never popped pills or got high. shit, i never even got drunk until i moved out of my parents house and started living on my own. so was that all for a sense of control over myself? who knows. maybe to other people, what i always viewed as giving up self control reLly gives them a sense of control over their own life, or something. that feeling of rebellion through substance abuse and sleazing around never really made much sense to me. to me it would be a breach of integrity and self respect, one of the few forms of self esteem ive ever been able to attain. but no matter which way you look at the cookie crumbling, it all comes down to control. from abortion rights to noise laws and moterfucking science and religion.

the point of this jibberish is that the realization that you have no control is the hardest one of all, to which we bend over backwards in denial

so how long will it take to realize that the concept of a soul mate is utter crap. a made up word to give a sense of security in your destiny or some bullshit. you realize you dont really even fully understand your "other half" and you never really will. its not even the shortcomings and flaws. you can learn those. its the enigma of a completely different person existing outside of the context of them you have developed inside your head. you realize theres a difference between loving someone and loving the idea of someone. loving someone lies within the realm of the known, and therefore gives a sense of control. the idea is in your head. you arent doing much more than loving yourself after all. and when it doesnt work out you just fill in the blanks with the next person you stumble across. musical chairs

but to realize you are loving into the unknown, outwardly, controll-lessly, giving far more than taking, falling into a zone that is completely unkown, shit, that takes balls. thats growing up. thats learning. thats the meaning of true love. there will always be two sorry fucks in love with the idea of love, but it could just as easily be another her, another him.

real love is merely loving yourself less, letting go of safe illusions, accepting the unknown
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