retrospect
what is retrospect. i realize i dont do it much. i hardly regress or express my personal thoughts and experiences. i just exist, keep breathing, sit. most of the ways i do communicate any deep kind of feelings or emotions are never verbal to the point that i sometimes wonder if anyone out there even ever understands me at all. i used to live very secluded. i usually dont mind solitude. but sometimes i drown in it. i dont think i would be here at all if it wasnt for loud music, loud guns, big cities. kind of funny or kind of sad? but what isnt
my view of love has become pretty jaded. it used to be my only motivation to every time try to talk or be a functional member of society. like a driving force or an engine. but now i just exist with it. i dont analyze it. i dont let it effect me the same way. i feel like i could be alone or belong alone forever because if i am changing who i am to feel like i am with someone i belong with, its not really where i belong at all. you can get bored of me and my quietness and leave. i am not wrong for not being what you want. you are not wrong for not wanting who i am. its just a fact. facts i can relate to. facts dont need to be expressed, retrospected or put into words. facts just exist and either you comprehended them, or you didnt. either you exist with them, or you just arent thinking the right way. not everyone is good with logic, its simple to invent your own perspective.
sometimes i wonder if everyone is only trapped in their own version of how they look at the world.
i feel middle aged. i will be 40 in 14 years. i cant figure out of thats a long time, or a short time. i cant figure out how i feel about where i am. other than content and happy but im not afraid like before, like usually. i am not afraid of a girl walking away. that is a first, probably. a strange thing for me, not to have that usual desperation or anything... i feel incredibly self centered just now. thats why i dont write like this much. people should get out of their own self infatuation and use their hands more. be creative sometime. how is it possible that just writing can make me feel sick. am i avoiding it? avoiding words, avoiding speech. avoiding conversation. avoiding people.
fuck your narrow minded little view that you hold over any and everything else, i have never and will never relate to you.
my view of love has become pretty jaded. it used to be my only motivation to every time try to talk or be a functional member of society. like a driving force or an engine. but now i just exist with it. i dont analyze it. i dont let it effect me the same way. i feel like i could be alone or belong alone forever because if i am changing who i am to feel like i am with someone i belong with, its not really where i belong at all. you can get bored of me and my quietness and leave. i am not wrong for not being what you want. you are not wrong for not wanting who i am. its just a fact. facts i can relate to. facts dont need to be expressed, retrospected or put into words. facts just exist and either you comprehended them, or you didnt. either you exist with them, or you just arent thinking the right way. not everyone is good with logic, its simple to invent your own perspective.
sometimes i wonder if everyone is only trapped in their own version of how they look at the world.
i feel middle aged. i will be 40 in 14 years. i cant figure out of thats a long time, or a short time. i cant figure out how i feel about where i am. other than content and happy but im not afraid like before, like usually. i am not afraid of a girl walking away. that is a first, probably. a strange thing for me, not to have that usual desperation or anything... i feel incredibly self centered just now. thats why i dont write like this much. people should get out of their own self infatuation and use their hands more. be creative sometime. how is it possible that just writing can make me feel sick. am i avoiding it? avoiding words, avoiding speech. avoiding conversation. avoiding people.
fuck your narrow minded little view that you hold over any and everything else, i have never and will never relate to you.