Snarry - A Certain Kind of Fool (Chapter 11) Part 5 of 6
To view the header, see "chapter one"
Part Eleven: What Do I Do With My Heart
A sniff, a stir, a look at color and viscosity, and Severus nodded at his diminutive prodigy.
"Did I do it right?" Albus asked. He scampered over to Severus's cauldron and peered in before returning to his own.
"Is it the same color as mine?" The boy needed to learn to judge all aspects of a potion.
Albus darted between the cauldrons again. When he looked at his this time, he frowned and shook his head. "Mine's darker."
"Yes, it is. Why might that be?" Severus certainly didn't expect this small child to know the answer, but in asking he'd guide Albus to critical thinking.
"Don't know."
"What don't you know, Al?" Harry walked into the laboratory. "I thought you knew everything about potions."
"No one knows everything about potions," Severus said.
Harry grinned. "Not even you, Severus?" He walked up, ruffled Albus's hair, and squeezed Severus's hand.
Severus jerked away. It was bad enough that they were prime fodder for the rumor mill, but to have Potter acting as if there was easy familiarity between them was just too much. The small touches and private smiles Potter had been bestowing for days would have been welcome from a lover, but from… well, from whatever Harry Potter was to Severus (and lover didn't come close to being on the short list, though in Severus's dreams, it might be top), it was not. Severus's brain was having a hard time quashing what his libido wanted. He and Harry would have to talk. Soon. It was time the man remembered his place, and that place wasn't within touching distance.
Harry looked more closely at Albus's cauldron then spun to glare at Severus. "You're letting him use fire? He's only four, Severus!"
"There are spells in place to protect Albus from burns, but he cannot learn potions without heat. There are so few that are mixed without the benefit of fire that I'm afraid he's run through them all."
"Yeah, look, daddy!" Albus waved his little hand near the magical fire burning under his cauldron. No matter how he tried, his hand couldn't get near the flame.
"His stirring rod is also sufficiently long enough that his hand never nears the steam - and is also, I might add, spelled to keep his fingers and face at a safe distance."
Harry scowled. "It'd be nice if you let me know what's going on in these lessons. Next I'm going to find out you've been letting him use your chopping blades!
Albus shook his head. "I rip up 'gredients and a smash them with the petal, but no knives."
"You grind them with a pestle."
Albus nodded. "I grind 'em with a pesthal. When can I start cutting?" He looked from his father to Severus and back again.
"When you're eleven and in the proper classroom," Harry said.
Severus wanted to argue that the child's motor skills should be up to safety knives and soft ingredients by the time he was eight, but thought it might be best to save that argument for when the time arrived. That thought caught him off guard. He'd almost convinced himself that the Potters, and Albus especially, were in his life for the long-term, but to be thinking about a future several years away, to see it so clearly in his mind, was frightening. Surely, though, he was safe from losing Albus. Potter might be many things, but he wasn't a father who would hurt his child.
"Okay, Al, come on. We have to leave. Teddy's offered to stop by to play with you lot while I grade papers."
Before the Potter boys could leave, Severus said, "Harry, I need a word with you. Will you be visiting later?" With their myriad school obligations, Potter didn't visit every night, but at least a couple of evenings a week were spent sharing horror stories from the classroom, or sitting silently working on lesson plans and grading.
"I thought I'd be able to get away tonight." Potter smiled. Blindingly. "I'm sometimes not sure how welcome I really am down here, so it's nice to know you want to see me." He swung an arm around Severus's shoulders, giving a one-armed hug.
Severus stiffened, but didn't say anything. The time for that would be tonight when they were alone.
~**~**~**~
Harry collapsed into the chair and scrubbed his hands across his face.
"You look as if you've aged five years since earlier this evening," Severus observed.
"Ha! You think?" Harry shook his head, but then nodded at Severus's offer of a small drink. When Severus was settled into his own chair, sipping on the somewhat larger portion of alcohol, Harry said, "I was grading those papers I'd mentioned, but they were all rubbish, and then Teddy and the boys got so loud I could barely concentrate, and then Lily started howling and it turns out she's teething and was running a fever."
Severus grimaced. He might fantasize about being part of the Potter family (not being a Potter, of course, but at least cohabitating with them), but stories such as this only proved how un-idyllic it would actually be. Because he thought he was supposed to, he asked, "And how is Lily, now? Did you take her to Poppy?"
"Yeah. She's fine. The fever was low-grade and nothing to worry about. Poppy rubbed some sort of cream on her gums and it calmed her right down."
Severus nodded. The dental pain cream was one he brewed for Poppy to help with the odd toothache or presenting molar. He silently ran through the ingredients, satisfying himself that it would be safe for a baby.
Harry took a swallow from his glass, emptying it in one. He glanced at Severus, but seemed to think better of asking for more. He plonked his glass down on the side table, laid his head on the chair back, and groaned. "I really didn't think working and being a single dad would be so damned hard."
"You hadn't worked in a few years, had you?"
"No." Harry closed his eyes. "I tried. After the war I tried to work. I couldn't see sitting around idly while everyone else went on with their lives. I had enough money that I didn't need to work if I didn't want to."
Severus had heard rumors of Potter having a fortune. "I didn't think your parents were so well off."
"They weren't. Well, not really, at least. Dad was an only child and the Potter line is an ancient one, so he inherited everything. But just because we've been around for a while, doesn't mean we're filthy rich like the Malfoys. It was a tidy little sum, and it was enough to give me a good start on life. But then Sirius's money, the Black fortune, came to me."
The Black money. Really? Strange. "But Black had living relatives. It shouldn't have gone to you." Magical bloodlines were more influential in deciding the disposition of family fortunes than the whims of dying heirs.
Harry opened his eyes. "I know."
Severus nodded. "Ted Lupin's grandmother. And the Malfoys."
Potter grimaced. "Sirius died before Ted was even thought of, of course, or else I'm sure things would've been different. But as it was, he'd had some lawyer make up this tricky little document that somehow circumvented bloodlines in lieu of giving his fortune to his godson. There's a clause in there that no one with Black blood can ever possess any of the money, so I can't even give it to Teddy."
Severus thought about what even a fraction of that fortune would mean for Draco and his family, but quickly pushed those thoughts away. If the Black fortune would have been in the Malfoy coffers at the end of the war, it would have been confiscated along with most of the other family's money. No, best not to dwell on such things. And as it was, Draco had done well for himself. Scorpius certainly didn't live in poverty. "Which, knowing you, you would have done if possible."
Harry nodded. "I've put aside all that was left of the Potter money in trust for Teddy and…." He blushed and looked away.
"And what?" Severus could only imagine the ideas Harry would have come up with in an attempt to be fair and self-sacrificing.
"My pay."
"Your pay? Do you mean your Hogwarts pay goes into an account for Lupin?" It was like the man was working for free, the idiot. Severus almost laughed at the thought of it: Lupin was being paid for attending school.
"Yeah. I don't need it and neither will my kids. The Black money is that much." He shook his head. "Not that the money hasn't come in useful. Like I said, I tried to work at first. The Auror Department took me right in, put me in the training program, but it wasn't working out. It didn't take people long to suspect something was wrong with my magic. So, Ron left Wheezes just to try to help me in the Aurors."
"But you left and he stayed."
"Yeah. Ron says it's the best thing that ever happened to him." Harry chuckled. "The Aurors, not me leaving them. He liked helping George at Wheezes, but being an Auror is what he's cut out to be. He's a brilliant strategist, did you know?" Harry was sitting forward now, not looking nearly as exhausted.
Severus couldn't imagine the gangly Weasley as an excellent strategist. He shook his head.
Harry smiled, as if knowing what Severus was thinking. "You should play him at chess sometime. You're good, but I think he might be better."
If there was one thing Severus loved it was a challenge, especially one that involved intelligence, but he wasn't about to get caught up in some commitment involving a Weasley. "But Ginevra kept working, even though you had money."
Harry laughed again. "The Weasleys aren't a lazy lot, are they?" The humor slid away. "She offered to stay home with me, said she'd be fine with it. But really, I could handle the kids and home when she was playing Quidditch, and if I needed something while she was away, Molly was there for me." His attention seemed to be drifting to another time. "I had already tied her down enough. I'm glad I didn't have to stifle her any more."
Severus cleared his throat, drawing Harry back to the present. "Stifle her?"
Harry slumped back in his chair and let out a long breath of air. "I… nobody outside the family know this… I can trust… of course I can trust you."
Severus nodded.
"Ginny and I dated a bit when we were in school, though that wasn't the most important thing on my mind in those days."
Severus nearly snorted at the understatement, but kept it to himself.
"We were fond of each other, really we were, and we might have ended up married anyway… later. But…."
"But with your magical problems, and being who you are, and the way the media chased you down at every turn…."
Harry nodded. "It was Ginny's idea, actually. When it was apparent that I was stuck with wonky magic, she stepped up and proposed we get married. That way, we could always be seen together, we could always be touching when we were out in public, and she could help dampen my magic without anyone being the wiser."
Severus knew sacrifice, and, so it seemed, did Ginevra Potter.
"Don't get me wrong, we were close before the marriage, like I said, we might have even ended up there anyway."
"But not quite as young."
"Yes." Harry closed his eyes, rested his hands in his lap, took a few deep breaths, looked as relaxed as Severus had seen him in a while - speaking this truth to someone who wasn't a family member seemed to offer catharsis. "We loved each other. I wouldn't want anyone, especially the children, to think we didn't."
"I don't doubt it. But I can't imagine Arthur and Molly didn't have something to say about the matter." It was one thing for a couple of teens to concoct such a plan, another for the adults in their lives to go along with it.
"I think Arthur had objections, but Molly always thought Ginny and I were destined or something. Plus, she was so gung-ho over family after the war - after Fred - that she was all for the idea. Between Ginny and her mum, Arthur didn't stand a chance. And as long as it was all right with their parents, Ginny's brothers didn't bother about it. They all had their own lives to manage without worrying overly about ours."
"And Ronald? What of him and Miss Granger."
"Ron always wanted me to be an official part of the family." Harry's smile was sad. "Hermione gave her opinion on the subject, but Ginny and I convinced her that we were happy, so she was appeased. She and Ron got married shortly after we did, in fact. Hermione was never one to let anyone get too much of a jump on her, though Ginny and I did manage to get James born before Hermione even thought of getting pregnant."
This was all so odd, so unbelievably strange, that Severus really didn't know what to say. The Weasleys had been carrying this huge secret, protecting it from the outside, all the while looking as if everything was fine. On second thought, maybe it wasn't so strange. Hadn't Severus himself done the same for years?
When Severus remained silent, Harry smiled wanly and stood. "I better get back to my rooms. Thanks for listening, Severus." As he passed Severus's chair, Harry leaned down and brushed his lips across Severus's cheek. "Don't judge us all too harshly, yeah?"
Severus would have said something, would have begun that talk about proper conduct and personal space, but Harry was already gone, and tonight didn't seem the proper time for such a conversation, really.
He rubbed his fingertips over his cheek before heading off to bed.
~**~**~**~
Harry didn't visit Severus's rooms in the evening again for several days. Between that and the fact that the man was keeping his hands (and lips) to himself, it was enough to appease Severus. Perhaps the uncomfortable talk wouldn't be necessary.
Albus now came to Severus's laboratory nearly every night that Severus didn't have detentions to oversee, as well as for a few hours on the weekend. James asked for another broom ride, which Severus granted. Lily toddled up to him more and more lately, holding her arms up to be held. Severus had noticed she only did that with a select number of people, and that number was terribly low: Harry, Molly, Severus, Belfry. Not even Lupin was counted in that number, though he sat for the children at least once a week.
A knock on Severus's door a week after Harry had made his confessions, came at an earlier hour than Harry usually visited, but perhaps the children had retired early. It was odd, though, when the knock sounded again. Usually after one perfunctory rap, Harry would simply walk in and make himself comfortable. Severus flicked his wand toward the door, opening it from a distance.
Arthur Weasley strolled in. He waved and said, "Sorry to bother you, Severus, but I had hoped we could talk."
Severus nodded. He summoned the whiskey bottle and two glasses from his cupboard and waved Arthur to the chair Harry usually occupied.
"We're up visiting Harry and the grandkids," Arthur said. He accepted the drink with a nod, and groaned as he lowered himself into the chair. "The tykes are growing fast, aren't they?"
"I haven't much to compare them with as I haven't known them so very long," Severus said. They seemed much the same as when they'd first arrived at Hogwarts, though now that he thought about it, he was certain Lily was getting taller, and Albus was filling out, not looking so skinny.
"You see them every day. You don't notice how big a child is getting unless you only see them here and there." Arthur sipped his drink and smacked his lips.
"Do you and Molly feel you don't see the Potter children enough?" Severus asked, careful to keep any annoyance from his voice. Was the man here to challenge Severus's right to be in his grandchildren's lives? Had he already insisted to Harry that the children spend more time at the Burrow? That might just destroy Harry, and Severus wasn't afraid to tell Arthur as much if it became necessary.
But Arthur waved his hand dismissively, almost sloshing the amber liquid from his glass. "We see Harry's kids more than we see some, less than others. It all works out in the end, doesn't it? We know our children and their spouses are good parents, so we don't worry. Well, not anymore, at least."
It seemed like a leading statement, so Severus followed. "Not anymore?"
"After Ginny died," Arthur frowned, "Molly and I worried about Harry and the children. They were shut up in the house most of the time, wards in place to inhibit magic." He shook his head. "What if some lunatic tried to break in? There are still those who'd hurt Harry, you know."
Severus nodded. He realized as much. In truth, there were far more candidates applying to hurt him than Harry, but he didn't have offspring to worry about.
Arthur's gaze darted away, before he said. "And what about the children? I can only hope there's been no permanent damage from all the magic-deadening spells."
"Spells to constrict Harry's magic would have no effect on the children."
Arthur still wouldn't meet his gaze. His face reddened and he stumbled a bit on his words. "The spells to dampen only the magic of one individual are terribly hard to cast. No one who knew of Harry's condition was up to the task."
"Miss Granger? Excuse me, Mrs. Weasley - Ronald's wife - couldn't she have learned the magic?"
"She's still so young. Give her another few years and there'll be nothing our Hermione can't do. She tried, but in the end, we were afraid she was going to either kill herself or Harry if she kept getting it wrong, so we settled on complete magic suppression, hoping to find an alternative before too long."
Severus nodded. So Harry's children couldn't have grown magically in the Potter house despite how powerful they may or may not be. Many children are born to Muggles and don't learn about magic until they are older, but their magic is still allowed to flow, to pop out when needed or at odd moments. Harry's children didn't even have that until they'd arrived at Hogwarts. "Now that their magic is no longer dampened, do you see a difference in the children?"
Arthur shook his head. "Harry says that James is showing some magic, but no one else has seen it yet. Not that I think Harry'd make it up, but perhaps he's looking too hard. I don't want to push, so I don't ask for specifics. I know he already feels guilty for keeping the children out of the world for so long. I don't want him to also worry that he might have inadvertently caused magical damage."
Sod Harry Potter's feelings! How dare the man put his children through that? Severus's own father might have forbid him to do magic, but he could still feel his power coursing through him, knew it was at his fingertips when needed. Well, he certainly wouldn't have any difficulty talking to Harry about this problem. He wasn't Arthur Weasley, he didn't care whose feelings he hurt.
And anyway, being angry at Potter might be healthier than being in lust with him. Severus ground his teeth. He would've liked to stalk through the castle right now, find Potter, and throw his accusations. There would be something satisfying about that. At least if he was angry, he could stopper the desperate need for Potter that seemed to grow every day.
"Now, Severus," Arthur said, "don't get too angry with Harry. He didn't know. Really he didn't."
"Any imbecile should have been able to figure it out."
"I only told you," Arthur said quietly, "because I was hoping you could watch the children, judge if there might have been damage. Maybe test them a little on the sly."
Severus looked at Arthur directly when he said, "If there is damage, the blame won't fall solely on Potter, will it?"
Arthur could only nod. His guilty expression unmistakable.
~**~**~**~
Potter looked sheepish as he entered Severus's rooms. "So, are you ready to call me a fool and all that, then?"
Severus glanced at Potter before setting his quill down and standing. Oh, yes, the man was certainly a fool and Severus planned on letting him know as much. "What do you feel you've done to deserve that title?"
"You know, what we talked about before, how me and Ginny got married so she could help me out. How I've lived like I'm homebound for most of the last several years. How there was a pretty easy fix, but we were all too thick to see it." Harry's eyes sparkled, as if it was some kind of bloody game, as if his illness, as it were, hadn't also harmed his children. Well, Severus would gladly set him straight.
Severus sat on the edge of his desk and narrowed his eyes. "I can't blame you for not finding the cure. You haven't been around enough young witches and wizards to see the signs. And I don't think the Weasleys were horribly remiss in not catching the root of your problem, either. After all, they are good people, but no one ever accused them of having an overabundance of brains." Well, that might be unfair - Molly and Arthur, as well as several of their children were quite intelligent - but Severus was in the mood to hurt, and disparaging the Weasleys would do the trick.
"Hey!" The gleam went out of Potter's eyes. He clenched his fists at his sides. "What's this all about? The Weasleys aren't dumb, you know." He nodded. "You know that."
"Well, one of them was dumb enough to marry you, wasn't she?" Now that he'd hit below the belt, it was easier to continue doing damage.
Potter's body was so tense it almost appeared to be vibrating. Good. Severus didn't want to be the only angry one in the room. It was hard to carry on a one-sided argument.
"How can you say that? I thought we were friends. I thought that maybe we were…."
"Well, as your friend, Potter, I must tell you that I've never met anyone in my life as bloody selfish as you."
Potter snorted. "Says the man who guards his privacy as if it were gold."
Severus took a step forward and then another until he could poke Potter's chest. "This is not about me."
Potter swatted Severus's hand away. "Then perhaps," he said through gritted teeth, "you had better tell me what this is about." A vein in his forehead stood in relief, the pulse juttering through it. "Because I don't' see why you're so mad about the choices I've made."
"Because those choices have hurt your children, and I will not let that pass. Not anymore. Not when I…."
Potter backed away a step. "Not when you what, Severus? Not when you care about them? Not when maybe you could love them?"
"Not when they are part of my life," Severus spat.
Taking a deep breath, Potter ran a hand through his hair, before saying, "I know it wasn't right for me to keep them home all the time, but there wasn't much else I could do. They had their cousins, though, so it's not like they never got to play with other kids."
Merlin, would the man never understand his own actions? "This has nothing to do with whether they visited Diagon Alley or had friends over for play dates. This is about their magic, Potter. No one has ever studied what magic dampening can do to newly forming powers. Do you think keeping them shut in a house, wards poisoning their magic, could be good for them?" Severus lowered his voice. "I had been under the impression that only your magic was dampened. Imagine my chagrin to find out otherwise."
Potter's eyes widened. "It was what we had to do, but no one said it might hurt the children., and I… I hadn't thought about it. It couldn't really hurt them, though, could it?"
"Are you really so very dense? Didn't you ever consider those three? I suppose not. Too busy worrying about yourself, I'm sure. What? Were you afraid your uncontrolled magic would embarrass you in front of toddlers?" Severus was breathing hard, his face felt as if it was on fire, and he was standing toe-to-toe with Potter. He'd be damned, though, if he was taking a step back. This was too important.
Potter looked conflicted for a moment, but then his face set in hard angles. He put a hand on Severus's chest and pushed a little, though not enough to move Severus. "How dare you accuse me of doing anything to intentionally harm my children. I'd give up anything for them."
"Yes, even their magic, it seems."
"Enough!" Potter removed his hand, but didn't step away. "James has been having stutters of magic, and I'm sure the other two will be fine as well. I'll have them tested. I'll prove they're fine. Don't lay your doom and gloom at my feet, Snape. My life's been dark enough. I don't have room for more."
Severus snorted. "Getting melodramatic on me now, are you, Potter? Save it for the ladies. Maybe they'll care." He hadn't meant to say that. It felt too much like tipping his hand.
Potter's hand shot up again, this time his fingers curled into the robes covering Severus's chest. "Well, it'd be lost on the ladies, yeah? After all, the only person I seem to think about lately is an old, mean-tempered Potions Master."
Severus batted Potter's hand away. Had the man gone mental? Severus's anger notched up another level. First Potter plays fast and loose with Ginny Weasley and then with his children - all to protect his own pathetic little secret. And now he was doing what? Flirting with Severus to keep his secret safe once more? Choosing to use Severus to lean on? Impossible. Unforgivable. "What are you on about?"
Potter stood his ground, his jaw clenched so tightly it looked as if he had to make a concerted effort to speak. "I thought there was something happening between us. I thought maybe we were heading toward a relationship." He pointed his finger, though the effect was lost by the near press of their bodies. "I thought you felt it, too. No. I know you feel something - I see the way you look at me."
Severus's eyes widened. Had he been so transparent that even Potter had read him? Well, what couldn't be proven shouldn't be admitted to. "You're delusional. What would I want with a former student - a former straight student?"
Potter chuckled, though there seemed no humor in it. He shook his head, but said no more, just crowded the last bit of space between them, pressing their bodies together.
Severus tried to pull away, but Potter wound his arms around Severus's waist.
"Unhand me, Potter."
"You want me. I know you do. I know what Molly meant by your proclivities. I've seen the fire in your eyes when you look at me." Potter had the audacity to give him a cheeky grin.
It was just too much. "What do you know of men wanting each other? What could you possibly know about wrapping your hands, your lips, around another cock?" Severus wriggled his arms between them and pushed back on Potter's chest. He'd teach the whelp a lesson he wouldn't soon forget. Severus moved the man just far enough so he could slip his hand into his own robes and loosen them with a muttered spell. He ran a hand over the placket of his trousers, making sure Potter saw the move.
Potter licked his lips and stared.
"Do you really think you're ready to handle this?"
Potter nodded. The imbecile - pushing stupid bravery to the end. Well, Severus could push right back.
He worked his button and zip, freed his half-hard cock from the confines of his pants, banishing any embarrassment to the dark back corners of his mind. "Touch it, then. If you think you're so damned brave, then touch it. Prove you're not the straight boy we both know you are." That should send him running.
Potter reached out and stroked his fingers along Severus's shaft and then up, brushing the head teasingly.
Severus bit back a moan. His cock filled, swelling treacherously.
Potter wrapped his hand around Severus's erection, too lightly to give any real satisfaction. With his free hand, he struggled with the fronts of his own denims. "Hold on, I just…." He pulled out his cock and squeezed it in time with the strokes he was bestowing on Severus.
Who did Potter think he was to come on to him like this… to take Severus's hidden desires and expose them? Well, Potter might not mind a bit of mutual wanking. Really, most boys got up to as much in boarding school, but Severus would not be fodder for Potter's need for someone to take care of him, to give up their lives to buffer his wild magic. Severus grabbed Potter's shoulders and shoved him backward until Potter's back slammed against the wall and Potter's hands fell away from their cocks. "Do you think this is a game? Do you think you can experiment with your sexuality on me? Let me show you what you're playing with." Severus pressed up against Potter, bending his knees to lower himself to Potter's level. He roughly thrust his cock against Potter's, worried only for taking his own pleasure, for teaching Potter a much-needed lesson. He leaned forward and rested his elbows against the wall, neck bent, face nearly brushing Potter's shoulder. "You're damned lucky… unnnn… you pulled this stunt with me, not some other man." Severus's cock head stuttered to the top of Potter's, bumped the ridge and then went further, skittering through pre-come before making its descent. "Any other gay man would've taken even more… ahh… more liberties than this."
Potter wrapped his arms around Severus's waist - pulled their bodies closer, whispered, "Yessss."
Severus could smell sweat and sex. The sliver of air between them was humid and ripe. "Any other man would have swung you around and buried himself in," oh! Just the very thought… "your tight little arse."
Potter gasped and then keened.
Severus felt warmth soak through his shirt to his abdomen. His next up-thrust caught a pulse of Potter's spunk, hot and slick. He swallowed a groan as he shifted his weight back and then thrust forward again, his prick skittering through Potter's come, hitting Potter's stomach, exploding there, right there, as Severus's hips twitched and his nose sank into Potter's neck, breathing in all that was between them.
He allowed himself only a moment of recovery, an instant or two to allow his mind to clear, his senses to take in the feelings and scents, before he pushed away. Severus hastily tucked his spent cock into his pants, grimacing at the damp and stickiness.
Potter grinned. "A little cleaning spell maybe, Severus?"
"If you want to be clean, do it yourself."
The grin disappeared, only to return moments later. "Oh! I should practice, that's true, but I don't remember any good cleaning charms. It's been too long since I've used them and I wouldn't want to bollix it up."
Why must Potter go on nattering away as if nothing had happened, as if nothing had changed? Everything had just changed. In the time it took to find physical pleasure, any wisp of friendship that had remained between them had dissipated. "Leave." It was the one word Severus could force past his tight throat.
"Pardon?" Potter finally put his bits away and straightened his clothes. He shrugged. "It is getting late, I suppose, but the children are sleeping and they won't notice if I stay a little longer than usual. I gotta say, that was brilliant, Severus. The angry stuff caught me off guard - you're not still mad are you? - but in the end, it was all just dead sexy."
"Angry stuff? Do you still imagine I'm playing games, Potter?" Severus had found his voice again - it issued forth as a scream.
Potter jumped like a startled deer. His hands came up reflexively, plaintively. "I… I guess I don't know what's going on. I mean, we just… you know… and that means something, doesn't it? It has to mean something, Severus."
It took all of Severus's willpower not to hex the man on the spot. Of course, this was his fault as well, he'd been the one to press even when he knew how wrong it was. He'd tested Potter, but now he had no idea if Potter had passed or failed. As for himself, he had failed miserably. "Get this straight, Potter. What just happened between us meant nothing. I am not going to be your new crutch."
"My what? Crutch?" Potter lowered his arms. He scowled. "I'm not looking for a crutch. I can handle myself just fine, thank you very much."
Severus snorted. "Tell that to your late wife."
"How can you say that? I told you what happened and you're still going to throw it in my face?" Said face was red with rage.
Good. Angry was better than whatever it was Potter thought he had felt before.
Stepping toward Potter, hoping to menace the man into giving up and leaving, Severus said, "I am a man, Potter. I don't have a vagina. I don't sport breasts. I have a cock. Just like you."
"What? Don't you think I already know that? I just felt it. I'm wearing your spunk, in case you've forgotten."
Severus crowded into Harry's space, but the man held his ground. "You, on the other hand, are straight. You've had a wife. Girlfriends before that, I assume. I've never heard even a whisper of you being interested in men, of being bisexual. I won't be your experiment, Potter. I won't be the person you put up with so you can handle your own magic." He deserved more that that, damn it. He deserved real love, a real life. He'd dreamt of that far too often recently, damn it!
Potter folded his arms over his chest, his wrists brushing over Severus's stomach to reach their destination (his stomach that was still covered with semen-soaked cloth). "So that's what this is all about?" Potter was calmer, his anger seemingly fled.
"This what?"
"This anger. This argument. This Severus-is-going-to-send-me-away-and-pout garbage."
Severus retreated a few steps. "I do not pout. Now get out of my rooms!"
Potter shrugged. He moved toward the door. As he stood on the threshold, he said, "I'll leave as soon as I say my piece. I thought - no, I still think - we could be good with each other. Merlin help me, but I like you and would like to find out if it could be more between us. Sometimes I even think there already is more." He held up a hand when Severus opened his mouth to speak. "I'll only be here longer if you interrupt."
Severus snapped his jaw closed.
"And this has nothing to do with helping with my magic. It's loads better already. Which you already know." Potter leaned against the doorjamb. "This has to do with seeing the side of you that would befriend a child, that would set your own activities aside to make him happy, that would try like hell to accept the rest of that child's family because you know it's the right thing to do."
Severus didn't want to hear all this. He knew it for what it was. Potter might disillusion himself - he might believe what he said, but Severus knew better. Potter only wanted someone to lean on. Pure and simple.
"It also has to do with the amount of time we've spent together in these very rooms, how we've gotten to know each other, how you've helped me adjust to being a professor. I like what I've gotten to know. I thought maybe you did, too."
Too much so.
Potter straightened and opened the door. He took a step through and then turned back. "As for being straight, I wouldn't be so sure of that." He shrugged again, looking as if he was trying for nonchalance, but the grin he wore told another story - looked too triumphant. "As a matter of fact, I would have been as likely to marry Ron as Ginny, if he wasn't straight as a new arrow."
Potter let the door bang shut as he left.
Severus looked down his front at the drying stain decorating his clothing. Potter was deceiving himself, that's all. Severus wouldn't get pulled into making any more mistakes, in trusting what shouldn't be trusted. With a sigh, he walked into the bathroom and turned on the bathtub taps.
~**~**~**~
Severus imagined meals would be uncomfortable after their encounter, but other than Potter being a bit quieter than normal, they were much the same. Albus chattered, James clowned about, and Lily crammed just as many vegetables into her mouth as she always had.
If anyone else noticed Potter's stoicism, they didn't mention it, at least not to Severus.
Potter didn't speak to him, which Severus had to admit, he missed. He stopped himself on several occasions from making an observation or posing a question to Potter as he had in the past. In fact, Severus was beginning to realize just how much of his meals had been previously spent chatting with Potter. The way it was now was the way it'd been for years - Severus partaking in a quiet meal (well as quiet as it could get with James making farting noises whenever the inspiration struck) - and trying mightily to convince himself he preferred it this way.
On the second night after their ill-conceived tryst, Lily crawled into Severus's lap during dinner. She pulled a carrot from his plate, and held it to his mouth.
Severus pursed his lips and then turned his head so the vegetable was no longer in contact with him. "No, thank you," Severus said, eying her potato-encrusted hand.
"Peas?" Lily jabbed the carrot back at the general location of Severus's mouth.
He shook his head. "It's a carrot, not a pea."
Potter snorted, the first noise he'd made in Severus's direction since that night.
Severus glared at him.
Potter gave him a mischievous look. Not angry then, Severus supposed. When Potter winked at him, Severus turned away.
"Peas." Lily said, a bit more demandingly this time.
Severus sighed. He pointed to the bit of vegetable that was starting to disintegrate in her grip, adding orange to the gloppy white already covering her fist. "Carrot."
"Peas!" Lily squawked.
Since when had she even learned to speak, much less attempt to classify plant matter?
Before Severus could carry the argument further, he felt a tug on his sleeve. He turned toward Albus.
"She's saying 'please,' not 'peas,'" the boy whispered.
Of course she was. No wonder Potter found it all so amusing. Severus dared a glance at his colleagues. To a person, they were holding back laughter. Some were less obvious than others, but Longbottom was the worst. His sides were shaking, he held a hand over his mouth, his face was red, and tears were streaming down his cheeks.
Severus glared at the man, but that only made Longbottom finally burst. His snort of laughter fairly echoed off the walls.
He turned back to Lily, only to have his nose collide with her still offered fist. She looked as if she was about ready to crumble into tears.
"She won't give up until you take it," James said. "It's gross, but it has to be done or she'll start crying."
Wonderful.
Severus tried to take the decimated carrot from her hand to his, but she pulled it away and shoved it closer to his mouth again.
Fine. If there was only one way to end this mess, Severus could be man enough to do it. He opened his mouth and, with only the slightest contact between Lily's fingers and his lips, took about half of the proffered food. He didn't bother chewing, just swallowed the vile vegetable before he could think too hard on what was actually in his mouth.
Lily clapped her hands, spraying what was left of the carrot all over Severus's robes. As she climbed off his lap, she wiped even more goo on him in the process.
Minerva leaned forward and loudly said, "Whoever thought you couldn't make a good father, Severus, was sadly mistaken."
When Potter answered Minerva, he looked directly at Severus. "He'd make a brilliant father, I think." And then, while Severus was still looking at Potter, the man mouthed, "Or step-father."
With his appetite completely destroyed, Severus left the table.
~**~**~**~
It was no surprise to Severus that Albus came for his next scheduled visit. After all, Potter seemed intent on continuing with whatever lunacy had overcome him. It would all be so easy if Severus hadn't already been fantasizing about a quaint little family life with the Potter brood. He'd have to come up with some other tactic to scare the man off. Best to protect his heart before it became too entangled… although, he mused, as he looked at Albus, it might already be too late for that.
Unable to stop himself, he asked Albus, "Why didn't your father bring you down?"
Albus shrugged. "Daddy's been gone a lot lately."
"Gone? Where would your father possibly go?" Severus almost added, when he doesn't trust himself to step outside Hogwarts, but stopped just in time.
"Dunno."
Perhaps the man had found someone else to practice his magic with. Perhaps he was in the room they'd used for weeks now. Maybe it was a Weasley. "Have any of your uncles come around lately?"
Albus glanced away from the toy dragon he was playing with. "Uncles?"
"Ronald… Percy…. " Severus eyed the dragon, "Charlie…."
Albus shook his head and zoomed the dragon around the room.
"Anyone else visit lately?"
"Teddy watched us last night."
"Oh?" As worried about Teddy as Severus had been, the boy did seem to care well for the Potter children. "Anyone else?"
"No. Do you wanna come over? 'Cause Teddy says he wants you to show him how to do the barrel thing on his broom."
"Tell Teddy no. The head of Slytherin will certainly not teach a Gryffindor his tricks. Why, he might be on his house team in a year or two."
Albus's brow furrowed in the way it did when a random thought worried him. "What if I'm Gryffindor?"
"You're Slytherin."
"Okay."
~**~**~**~
Severus couldn't tell how often Potter was away, which was a bit annoying. He wanted to know what was going on. Potter no longer made visits to Severus's rooms at night, so Severus could only imagine what the man was getting up to. Perhaps that comment at dinner the other night hadn't been serious. Perhaps Potter had changed his mind, had seen how ridiculous he was being, and was looking elsewhere for a partner.
The thought soured Severus's stomach. He knew he couldn't really be with Potter, but imagining that someone else would be - that Potter might marry, might bring someone else in to help parent his children, might share his body and his bed with someone other than Severus, nearly made Severus sick with longing. If only Potter really wanted him… not just someone to lean on….
Yes, he had definitely fallen too far. Fool!
Severus's fears were confirmed a few nights later. It was a Saturday, had been a long day as Severus had chaperoned a Hogsmeade weekend along with Ronald Weasley. Weasley had been next to useless, preferring to tell tales of his own Hogwarts days instead of actually keeping the students in line. Severus was exhausted from being the only disciplinarian to a gaggle of hormone-ridden teenagers.
At dinner, when all he really wanted to do was relax, eat his food, and return to his quarters (and a hot bath), Potter's absence from the table was jarring. All three children were present. Albus and James were carrying on as normal, but Lily was refusing to eat anything Belfry offered her.
"Where's your father?" Severus growled at James.
"He went out. Said he'd be home before dark."
"Out? Out where?"
"Harry said he was going to London," Minerva interjected.
London? The man didn't dare go to Hogsmeade by himself. What was he doing in London? Severus gritted his teeth. More importantly, who did he go with? Whose arm was he clinging to? Severus pushed his own plate away and grabbed Lily's from Belfry. The house-elf's scraping and fussing was setting Severus on edge. "I will feed her. Go back to the Potters' quarters and wait to be called."
The elf's bulbous eyes widened. "Master Potter told me to bring the childrens to their meal. He says I should make sure Mistress Lily eats."
"Hasn't Potter also told you that you can leave the children with me any time?"
Belfry nodded.
"Leave."
With a soft pop, Belfry was gone.
Severus stood and lifted Lily out of her booster chair and into his lap. He banished the food that was on her plate and refilled it. "That blasted elf doesn't even know what you like."
Lily was soon aggressively scooping food into her mouth, gurgling happily.
When the three children had finished their meals, Severus was about to call Belfry to take them to their rooms (and a much-needed cleaning-up for Lily), when Potter strutted into the Great Hall through the staff door. Well, at least the man was back. He could tend to his own children as soon as Severus obtained some answers.
Someone followed Potter into the room. The man was tall and muscular, blond, and from the way he was gormlessly eying everything, Severus assumed he possessed more muscle than brains.
Potter nudged the man and pointed toward the Head Table, striding forward.
What was the man thinking? Had he completely lost his mind? Was he so desperate for companionship he'd introduce his children to his new lover so soon? And a man, no less! Why, if Severus had known Potter actually wanted a man, he would have….
Severus stood, pulling Lily onto his hip. "Come with me, boys. Immediately," he barked at the other two. He might not be able to stop this train wreck from happening, but he could at least delay it. Since the children hadn't yet seen their father and his doltish companion, the boys followed obediently.
Tracking through the hall to the Gryffindor table, Severus said, "Mr. Lupin, take the children to their quarters."
When the boy didn't immediately jump out of his seat, Severus narrowed his eyes and said, "Now."
"I'm not done, yet, Professor."
"If you get them out of here this instant, I will teach you the barrel roll."
Lupin shot out of his seat and pulled Lily into his arms. "Promise?" he asked as he strode away, the boys following behind like baby ducks.
When the doors closed behind the children, Severus turned around to find himself face-to-face with Potter and the blond.
"What was that all about, Severus?" Potter asked.
"I was attempting to delay the stupidity you seem ready to unload upon your children." Severus glanced from Harry to his companion. "What were you thinking?" he hissed.
"This is the bloke ya told me about, Harry?" The blond sounded dumber than he looked. Quite an accomplishment.
Harry nodded. "Yeah, though I don't know what he's going on about. What are you going on about, Severus?"
"You know very well what I'm on about."
Potter rubbed a hand over his eyes. "Sometimes you're so damned tiring, I don't know why I even try to keep up."
"Apparently you don't."
"Listen, I'll come down to your rooms so we can talk later, yeah? For now, we want to go visit the children."
Severus couldn't believe the man's stupidity! Hadn't Potter figured this out yet? Well, just in case he hadn't: stepping closer to Potter and lowering his voice to a whisper, Severus said, "Do you know how damaging it can be for children to see a string of lovers coming and going in their parent's life? If you must date, Potter, then leave your offspring in the dark about it."
Potter choked. Well, good for him to finally see the error of his ways. It was a moment before Severus realized Potter's choke was not from alarm, but from laughter. Severus felt his blood rising. He'd thought Potter to be a good father, a mature man (mostly). How had he ever dreamed they could be together if Potter was really like this?
Potter grabbed Severus's arm and pulled him toward the Entrance Hall. Severus, too gobsmacked to resist, allowed himself to be led. When the doors had shut behind them, Severus wrenched his arm away from Potter. "I fail to see what's so humorous in this situation." Even as he said the words, he felt something was just wrong. He swung toward the other man. "I can't feel your magic."
The man smiled. "I'm what you magical types call a Muggle. Isn't that right, Harry?"
Harry smiled at the man and then turned to Severus. "Severus, meet my cousin, Dudley."
Severus was just about to explode about how insane it was to bring a Muggle into Hogwarts, how perverted it was to date one's own cousin, but just as the words were ready to boil over, he snapped his mouth closed.
Perhaps he'd gotten it wrong.
"Dudley Dursley, sir," the man said, holding out a huge hand. "I'd say that I think you know my mum, but that might not reflect well on me."
When Severus ignored the proffered hand, Dursley dropped it. "Dursley? Petunia's son?"
"The very one," Potter said.
Severus's mind was racing with questions, but the first one that came to mind was, "Don't the two of you hate each other?"
"We mended fences years ago," Potter said. "Dudley's one of the few visitors other than the Weasleys who came around when I couldn't leave the house without Ginny. The kids are fond of him." Potter raised his eyebrows. "And I'm sure they'd love to see him this evening."
Oh. Well.
"So, Severus, you sent my children scurrying off because you were afraid I was going to parade a lover in front of them? Some stranger? I thought you knew me better than that."
"I thought I did as well." Now that the truth was out, Severus felt a bit dim. Of course, he couldn't berate himself really, the two men shared no family resemblance. Thank Merlin!
"I think I'll wait over here," Dudley said. He moved to the other side of the corridor and started whistling.
"Albus said you've been often gone recently."
Potter nodded. "I've been practicing magical control."
"By yourself?" As much as he might not want to admit it, Severus had enjoyed sharing Potter's triumphs, had been proud that he was the one who had helped bring them about.
"It was the only way to prove myself to you. That's why I went out today without you as well. And with a Muggle. You think I'm only interested in you as a crutch, as someone to help me with my magic. I had to show you that's not true. I've been working like mad to finish getting my magic under control." Potter grinned. "And I finally have. So to test it, I went out in London all day with Dudley. I didn't have a single problem, Severus!" Potter reached out and wrapped his hand around Severus's arm. "I don't want you because I need help with my magic. I proved that today, didn't I? I want to be with you because of all those things I said in your rooms the other night - all those and more. I want to be with you because I finally see in you what Albie does - a good man, someone I want to spend every moment I can with."
Oh, how Severus would have liked to use Legilimency to delve into Potter's mind and root out the truth, but he supposed that would be frowned upon. He knew hope often bred pain, but still, he couldn't stop the feelings that were being prodded out by Potter's words.
When Potter… Harry… realized Severus probably wasn't going to answer right away, he smiled softly. "Just think about it, yeah? Let me know when you want to talk. In the meantime, Dudley has some little cousins he wants to visit." Harry raised his voice louder and, toward Dudley, said, "And no teaching the boys any more boxing moves. James almost gave me a black eye last time."
Dudley laughed.
"I hope to see you later, Severus," Harry said as he turned away.
Falling in step with Harry, Dudley called over his shoulder. "Nice to meet you."
Severus could only nod. He listened to the two men as they retreated.
"Blimey, Harry, the woman in that picture just giggled and waved at me."
"Which one? Oh, yeah, she's a slag, that one."
"But she shouldn't move."
"Oh, around here all the paintings move. They talk as well."
"Blimey."
"And wait until you run into one of the ghosts…."
Severus stood in the corridor, knowing he had to eventually move. He couldn’t remain stuck in this moment forever, indecision freezing him to the spot. The stairway to take him to the dungeons was to his left, the corridor that would lead him in the direction of Gryffindor Tower was to his right. But still he stood, his mind working so fast it seemed to sap his body's energy.
The doors to the Great Hall banged open and a sea of students emerged, breaking the silence.
What did all these children think, seeing their teacher standing in the hallway looking lost? They'd probably think him a fool, and they'd be right. Severus knew he was a certain kind of fool: one that would stride forward regardless of how unguarded it might leave his heart, of how unpredictable his life might become.
He turned to the right and moved toward his future.
"Epilogue"
Part Eleven: What Do I Do With My Heart
A sniff, a stir, a look at color and viscosity, and Severus nodded at his diminutive prodigy.
"Did I do it right?" Albus asked. He scampered over to Severus's cauldron and peered in before returning to his own.
"Is it the same color as mine?" The boy needed to learn to judge all aspects of a potion.
Albus darted between the cauldrons again. When he looked at his this time, he frowned and shook his head. "Mine's darker."
"Yes, it is. Why might that be?" Severus certainly didn't expect this small child to know the answer, but in asking he'd guide Albus to critical thinking.
"Don't know."
"What don't you know, Al?" Harry walked into the laboratory. "I thought you knew everything about potions."
"No one knows everything about potions," Severus said.
Harry grinned. "Not even you, Severus?" He walked up, ruffled Albus's hair, and squeezed Severus's hand.
Severus jerked away. It was bad enough that they were prime fodder for the rumor mill, but to have Potter acting as if there was easy familiarity between them was just too much. The small touches and private smiles Potter had been bestowing for days would have been welcome from a lover, but from… well, from whatever Harry Potter was to Severus (and lover didn't come close to being on the short list, though in Severus's dreams, it might be top), it was not. Severus's brain was having a hard time quashing what his libido wanted. He and Harry would have to talk. Soon. It was time the man remembered his place, and that place wasn't within touching distance.
Harry looked more closely at Albus's cauldron then spun to glare at Severus. "You're letting him use fire? He's only four, Severus!"
"There are spells in place to protect Albus from burns, but he cannot learn potions without heat. There are so few that are mixed without the benefit of fire that I'm afraid he's run through them all."
"Yeah, look, daddy!" Albus waved his little hand near the magical fire burning under his cauldron. No matter how he tried, his hand couldn't get near the flame.
"His stirring rod is also sufficiently long enough that his hand never nears the steam - and is also, I might add, spelled to keep his fingers and face at a safe distance."
Harry scowled. "It'd be nice if you let me know what's going on in these lessons. Next I'm going to find out you've been letting him use your chopping blades!
Albus shook his head. "I rip up 'gredients and a smash them with the petal, but no knives."
"You grind them with a pestle."
Albus nodded. "I grind 'em with a pesthal. When can I start cutting?" He looked from his father to Severus and back again.
"When you're eleven and in the proper classroom," Harry said.
Severus wanted to argue that the child's motor skills should be up to safety knives and soft ingredients by the time he was eight, but thought it might be best to save that argument for when the time arrived. That thought caught him off guard. He'd almost convinced himself that the Potters, and Albus especially, were in his life for the long-term, but to be thinking about a future several years away, to see it so clearly in his mind, was frightening. Surely, though, he was safe from losing Albus. Potter might be many things, but he wasn't a father who would hurt his child.
"Okay, Al, come on. We have to leave. Teddy's offered to stop by to play with you lot while I grade papers."
Before the Potter boys could leave, Severus said, "Harry, I need a word with you. Will you be visiting later?" With their myriad school obligations, Potter didn't visit every night, but at least a couple of evenings a week were spent sharing horror stories from the classroom, or sitting silently working on lesson plans and grading.
"I thought I'd be able to get away tonight." Potter smiled. Blindingly. "I'm sometimes not sure how welcome I really am down here, so it's nice to know you want to see me." He swung an arm around Severus's shoulders, giving a one-armed hug.
Severus stiffened, but didn't say anything. The time for that would be tonight when they were alone.
~**~**~**~
Harry collapsed into the chair and scrubbed his hands across his face.
"You look as if you've aged five years since earlier this evening," Severus observed.
"Ha! You think?" Harry shook his head, but then nodded at Severus's offer of a small drink. When Severus was settled into his own chair, sipping on the somewhat larger portion of alcohol, Harry said, "I was grading those papers I'd mentioned, but they were all rubbish, and then Teddy and the boys got so loud I could barely concentrate, and then Lily started howling and it turns out she's teething and was running a fever."
Severus grimaced. He might fantasize about being part of the Potter family (not being a Potter, of course, but at least cohabitating with them), but stories such as this only proved how un-idyllic it would actually be. Because he thought he was supposed to, he asked, "And how is Lily, now? Did you take her to Poppy?"
"Yeah. She's fine. The fever was low-grade and nothing to worry about. Poppy rubbed some sort of cream on her gums and it calmed her right down."
Severus nodded. The dental pain cream was one he brewed for Poppy to help with the odd toothache or presenting molar. He silently ran through the ingredients, satisfying himself that it would be safe for a baby.
Harry took a swallow from his glass, emptying it in one. He glanced at Severus, but seemed to think better of asking for more. He plonked his glass down on the side table, laid his head on the chair back, and groaned. "I really didn't think working and being a single dad would be so damned hard."
"You hadn't worked in a few years, had you?"
"No." Harry closed his eyes. "I tried. After the war I tried to work. I couldn't see sitting around idly while everyone else went on with their lives. I had enough money that I didn't need to work if I didn't want to."
Severus had heard rumors of Potter having a fortune. "I didn't think your parents were so well off."
"They weren't. Well, not really, at least. Dad was an only child and the Potter line is an ancient one, so he inherited everything. But just because we've been around for a while, doesn't mean we're filthy rich like the Malfoys. It was a tidy little sum, and it was enough to give me a good start on life. But then Sirius's money, the Black fortune, came to me."
The Black money. Really? Strange. "But Black had living relatives. It shouldn't have gone to you." Magical bloodlines were more influential in deciding the disposition of family fortunes than the whims of dying heirs.
Harry opened his eyes. "I know."
Severus nodded. "Ted Lupin's grandmother. And the Malfoys."
Potter grimaced. "Sirius died before Ted was even thought of, of course, or else I'm sure things would've been different. But as it was, he'd had some lawyer make up this tricky little document that somehow circumvented bloodlines in lieu of giving his fortune to his godson. There's a clause in there that no one with Black blood can ever possess any of the money, so I can't even give it to Teddy."
Severus thought about what even a fraction of that fortune would mean for Draco and his family, but quickly pushed those thoughts away. If the Black fortune would have been in the Malfoy coffers at the end of the war, it would have been confiscated along with most of the other family's money. No, best not to dwell on such things. And as it was, Draco had done well for himself. Scorpius certainly didn't live in poverty. "Which, knowing you, you would have done if possible."
Harry nodded. "I've put aside all that was left of the Potter money in trust for Teddy and…." He blushed and looked away.
"And what?" Severus could only imagine the ideas Harry would have come up with in an attempt to be fair and self-sacrificing.
"My pay."
"Your pay? Do you mean your Hogwarts pay goes into an account for Lupin?" It was like the man was working for free, the idiot. Severus almost laughed at the thought of it: Lupin was being paid for attending school.
"Yeah. I don't need it and neither will my kids. The Black money is that much." He shook his head. "Not that the money hasn't come in useful. Like I said, I tried to work at first. The Auror Department took me right in, put me in the training program, but it wasn't working out. It didn't take people long to suspect something was wrong with my magic. So, Ron left Wheezes just to try to help me in the Aurors."
"But you left and he stayed."
"Yeah. Ron says it's the best thing that ever happened to him." Harry chuckled. "The Aurors, not me leaving them. He liked helping George at Wheezes, but being an Auror is what he's cut out to be. He's a brilliant strategist, did you know?" Harry was sitting forward now, not looking nearly as exhausted.
Severus couldn't imagine the gangly Weasley as an excellent strategist. He shook his head.
Harry smiled, as if knowing what Severus was thinking. "You should play him at chess sometime. You're good, but I think he might be better."
If there was one thing Severus loved it was a challenge, especially one that involved intelligence, but he wasn't about to get caught up in some commitment involving a Weasley. "But Ginevra kept working, even though you had money."
Harry laughed again. "The Weasleys aren't a lazy lot, are they?" The humor slid away. "She offered to stay home with me, said she'd be fine with it. But really, I could handle the kids and home when she was playing Quidditch, and if I needed something while she was away, Molly was there for me." His attention seemed to be drifting to another time. "I had already tied her down enough. I'm glad I didn't have to stifle her any more."
Severus cleared his throat, drawing Harry back to the present. "Stifle her?"
Harry slumped back in his chair and let out a long breath of air. "I… nobody outside the family know this… I can trust… of course I can trust you."
Severus nodded.
"Ginny and I dated a bit when we were in school, though that wasn't the most important thing on my mind in those days."
Severus nearly snorted at the understatement, but kept it to himself.
"We were fond of each other, really we were, and we might have ended up married anyway… later. But…."
"But with your magical problems, and being who you are, and the way the media chased you down at every turn…."
Harry nodded. "It was Ginny's idea, actually. When it was apparent that I was stuck with wonky magic, she stepped up and proposed we get married. That way, we could always be seen together, we could always be touching when we were out in public, and she could help dampen my magic without anyone being the wiser."
Severus knew sacrifice, and, so it seemed, did Ginevra Potter.
"Don't get me wrong, we were close before the marriage, like I said, we might have even ended up there anyway."
"But not quite as young."
"Yes." Harry closed his eyes, rested his hands in his lap, took a few deep breaths, looked as relaxed as Severus had seen him in a while - speaking this truth to someone who wasn't a family member seemed to offer catharsis. "We loved each other. I wouldn't want anyone, especially the children, to think we didn't."
"I don't doubt it. But I can't imagine Arthur and Molly didn't have something to say about the matter." It was one thing for a couple of teens to concoct such a plan, another for the adults in their lives to go along with it.
"I think Arthur had objections, but Molly always thought Ginny and I were destined or something. Plus, she was so gung-ho over family after the war - after Fred - that she was all for the idea. Between Ginny and her mum, Arthur didn't stand a chance. And as long as it was all right with their parents, Ginny's brothers didn't bother about it. They all had their own lives to manage without worrying overly about ours."
"And Ronald? What of him and Miss Granger."
"Ron always wanted me to be an official part of the family." Harry's smile was sad. "Hermione gave her opinion on the subject, but Ginny and I convinced her that we were happy, so she was appeased. She and Ron got married shortly after we did, in fact. Hermione was never one to let anyone get too much of a jump on her, though Ginny and I did manage to get James born before Hermione even thought of getting pregnant."
This was all so odd, so unbelievably strange, that Severus really didn't know what to say. The Weasleys had been carrying this huge secret, protecting it from the outside, all the while looking as if everything was fine. On second thought, maybe it wasn't so strange. Hadn't Severus himself done the same for years?
When Severus remained silent, Harry smiled wanly and stood. "I better get back to my rooms. Thanks for listening, Severus." As he passed Severus's chair, Harry leaned down and brushed his lips across Severus's cheek. "Don't judge us all too harshly, yeah?"
Severus would have said something, would have begun that talk about proper conduct and personal space, but Harry was already gone, and tonight didn't seem the proper time for such a conversation, really.
He rubbed his fingertips over his cheek before heading off to bed.
~**~**~**~
Harry didn't visit Severus's rooms in the evening again for several days. Between that and the fact that the man was keeping his hands (and lips) to himself, it was enough to appease Severus. Perhaps the uncomfortable talk wouldn't be necessary.
Albus now came to Severus's laboratory nearly every night that Severus didn't have detentions to oversee, as well as for a few hours on the weekend. James asked for another broom ride, which Severus granted. Lily toddled up to him more and more lately, holding her arms up to be held. Severus had noticed she only did that with a select number of people, and that number was terribly low: Harry, Molly, Severus, Belfry. Not even Lupin was counted in that number, though he sat for the children at least once a week.
A knock on Severus's door a week after Harry had made his confessions, came at an earlier hour than Harry usually visited, but perhaps the children had retired early. It was odd, though, when the knock sounded again. Usually after one perfunctory rap, Harry would simply walk in and make himself comfortable. Severus flicked his wand toward the door, opening it from a distance.
Arthur Weasley strolled in. He waved and said, "Sorry to bother you, Severus, but I had hoped we could talk."
Severus nodded. He summoned the whiskey bottle and two glasses from his cupboard and waved Arthur to the chair Harry usually occupied.
"We're up visiting Harry and the grandkids," Arthur said. He accepted the drink with a nod, and groaned as he lowered himself into the chair. "The tykes are growing fast, aren't they?"
"I haven't much to compare them with as I haven't known them so very long," Severus said. They seemed much the same as when they'd first arrived at Hogwarts, though now that he thought about it, he was certain Lily was getting taller, and Albus was filling out, not looking so skinny.
"You see them every day. You don't notice how big a child is getting unless you only see them here and there." Arthur sipped his drink and smacked his lips.
"Do you and Molly feel you don't see the Potter children enough?" Severus asked, careful to keep any annoyance from his voice. Was the man here to challenge Severus's right to be in his grandchildren's lives? Had he already insisted to Harry that the children spend more time at the Burrow? That might just destroy Harry, and Severus wasn't afraid to tell Arthur as much if it became necessary.
But Arthur waved his hand dismissively, almost sloshing the amber liquid from his glass. "We see Harry's kids more than we see some, less than others. It all works out in the end, doesn't it? We know our children and their spouses are good parents, so we don't worry. Well, not anymore, at least."
It seemed like a leading statement, so Severus followed. "Not anymore?"
"After Ginny died," Arthur frowned, "Molly and I worried about Harry and the children. They were shut up in the house most of the time, wards in place to inhibit magic." He shook his head. "What if some lunatic tried to break in? There are still those who'd hurt Harry, you know."
Severus nodded. He realized as much. In truth, there were far more candidates applying to hurt him than Harry, but he didn't have offspring to worry about.
Arthur's gaze darted away, before he said. "And what about the children? I can only hope there's been no permanent damage from all the magic-deadening spells."
"Spells to constrict Harry's magic would have no effect on the children."
Arthur still wouldn't meet his gaze. His face reddened and he stumbled a bit on his words. "The spells to dampen only the magic of one individual are terribly hard to cast. No one who knew of Harry's condition was up to the task."
"Miss Granger? Excuse me, Mrs. Weasley - Ronald's wife - couldn't she have learned the magic?"
"She's still so young. Give her another few years and there'll be nothing our Hermione can't do. She tried, but in the end, we were afraid she was going to either kill herself or Harry if she kept getting it wrong, so we settled on complete magic suppression, hoping to find an alternative before too long."
Severus nodded. So Harry's children couldn't have grown magically in the Potter house despite how powerful they may or may not be. Many children are born to Muggles and don't learn about magic until they are older, but their magic is still allowed to flow, to pop out when needed or at odd moments. Harry's children didn't even have that until they'd arrived at Hogwarts. "Now that their magic is no longer dampened, do you see a difference in the children?"
Arthur shook his head. "Harry says that James is showing some magic, but no one else has seen it yet. Not that I think Harry'd make it up, but perhaps he's looking too hard. I don't want to push, so I don't ask for specifics. I know he already feels guilty for keeping the children out of the world for so long. I don't want him to also worry that he might have inadvertently caused magical damage."
Sod Harry Potter's feelings! How dare the man put his children through that? Severus's own father might have forbid him to do magic, but he could still feel his power coursing through him, knew it was at his fingertips when needed. Well, he certainly wouldn't have any difficulty talking to Harry about this problem. He wasn't Arthur Weasley, he didn't care whose feelings he hurt.
And anyway, being angry at Potter might be healthier than being in lust with him. Severus ground his teeth. He would've liked to stalk through the castle right now, find Potter, and throw his accusations. There would be something satisfying about that. At least if he was angry, he could stopper the desperate need for Potter that seemed to grow every day.
"Now, Severus," Arthur said, "don't get too angry with Harry. He didn't know. Really he didn't."
"Any imbecile should have been able to figure it out."
"I only told you," Arthur said quietly, "because I was hoping you could watch the children, judge if there might have been damage. Maybe test them a little on the sly."
Severus looked at Arthur directly when he said, "If there is damage, the blame won't fall solely on Potter, will it?"
Arthur could only nod. His guilty expression unmistakable.
~**~**~**~
Potter looked sheepish as he entered Severus's rooms. "So, are you ready to call me a fool and all that, then?"
Severus glanced at Potter before setting his quill down and standing. Oh, yes, the man was certainly a fool and Severus planned on letting him know as much. "What do you feel you've done to deserve that title?"
"You know, what we talked about before, how me and Ginny got married so she could help me out. How I've lived like I'm homebound for most of the last several years. How there was a pretty easy fix, but we were all too thick to see it." Harry's eyes sparkled, as if it was some kind of bloody game, as if his illness, as it were, hadn't also harmed his children. Well, Severus would gladly set him straight.
Severus sat on the edge of his desk and narrowed his eyes. "I can't blame you for not finding the cure. You haven't been around enough young witches and wizards to see the signs. And I don't think the Weasleys were horribly remiss in not catching the root of your problem, either. After all, they are good people, but no one ever accused them of having an overabundance of brains." Well, that might be unfair - Molly and Arthur, as well as several of their children were quite intelligent - but Severus was in the mood to hurt, and disparaging the Weasleys would do the trick.
"Hey!" The gleam went out of Potter's eyes. He clenched his fists at his sides. "What's this all about? The Weasleys aren't dumb, you know." He nodded. "You know that."
"Well, one of them was dumb enough to marry you, wasn't she?" Now that he'd hit below the belt, it was easier to continue doing damage.
Potter's body was so tense it almost appeared to be vibrating. Good. Severus didn't want to be the only angry one in the room. It was hard to carry on a one-sided argument.
"How can you say that? I thought we were friends. I thought that maybe we were…."
"Well, as your friend, Potter, I must tell you that I've never met anyone in my life as bloody selfish as you."
Potter snorted. "Says the man who guards his privacy as if it were gold."
Severus took a step forward and then another until he could poke Potter's chest. "This is not about me."
Potter swatted Severus's hand away. "Then perhaps," he said through gritted teeth, "you had better tell me what this is about." A vein in his forehead stood in relief, the pulse juttering through it. "Because I don't' see why you're so mad about the choices I've made."
"Because those choices have hurt your children, and I will not let that pass. Not anymore. Not when I…."
Potter backed away a step. "Not when you what, Severus? Not when you care about them? Not when maybe you could love them?"
"Not when they are part of my life," Severus spat.
Taking a deep breath, Potter ran a hand through his hair, before saying, "I know it wasn't right for me to keep them home all the time, but there wasn't much else I could do. They had their cousins, though, so it's not like they never got to play with other kids."
Merlin, would the man never understand his own actions? "This has nothing to do with whether they visited Diagon Alley or had friends over for play dates. This is about their magic, Potter. No one has ever studied what magic dampening can do to newly forming powers. Do you think keeping them shut in a house, wards poisoning their magic, could be good for them?" Severus lowered his voice. "I had been under the impression that only your magic was dampened. Imagine my chagrin to find out otherwise."
Potter's eyes widened. "It was what we had to do, but no one said it might hurt the children., and I… I hadn't thought about it. It couldn't really hurt them, though, could it?"
"Are you really so very dense? Didn't you ever consider those three? I suppose not. Too busy worrying about yourself, I'm sure. What? Were you afraid your uncontrolled magic would embarrass you in front of toddlers?" Severus was breathing hard, his face felt as if it was on fire, and he was standing toe-to-toe with Potter. He'd be damned, though, if he was taking a step back. This was too important.
Potter looked conflicted for a moment, but then his face set in hard angles. He put a hand on Severus's chest and pushed a little, though not enough to move Severus. "How dare you accuse me of doing anything to intentionally harm my children. I'd give up anything for them."
"Yes, even their magic, it seems."
"Enough!" Potter removed his hand, but didn't step away. "James has been having stutters of magic, and I'm sure the other two will be fine as well. I'll have them tested. I'll prove they're fine. Don't lay your doom and gloom at my feet, Snape. My life's been dark enough. I don't have room for more."
Severus snorted. "Getting melodramatic on me now, are you, Potter? Save it for the ladies. Maybe they'll care." He hadn't meant to say that. It felt too much like tipping his hand.
Potter's hand shot up again, this time his fingers curled into the robes covering Severus's chest. "Well, it'd be lost on the ladies, yeah? After all, the only person I seem to think about lately is an old, mean-tempered Potions Master."
Severus batted Potter's hand away. Had the man gone mental? Severus's anger notched up another level. First Potter plays fast and loose with Ginny Weasley and then with his children - all to protect his own pathetic little secret. And now he was doing what? Flirting with Severus to keep his secret safe once more? Choosing to use Severus to lean on? Impossible. Unforgivable. "What are you on about?"
Potter stood his ground, his jaw clenched so tightly it looked as if he had to make a concerted effort to speak. "I thought there was something happening between us. I thought maybe we were heading toward a relationship." He pointed his finger, though the effect was lost by the near press of their bodies. "I thought you felt it, too. No. I know you feel something - I see the way you look at me."
Severus's eyes widened. Had he been so transparent that even Potter had read him? Well, what couldn't be proven shouldn't be admitted to. "You're delusional. What would I want with a former student - a former straight student?"
Potter chuckled, though there seemed no humor in it. He shook his head, but said no more, just crowded the last bit of space between them, pressing their bodies together.
Severus tried to pull away, but Potter wound his arms around Severus's waist.
"Unhand me, Potter."
"You want me. I know you do. I know what Molly meant by your proclivities. I've seen the fire in your eyes when you look at me." Potter had the audacity to give him a cheeky grin.
It was just too much. "What do you know of men wanting each other? What could you possibly know about wrapping your hands, your lips, around another cock?" Severus wriggled his arms between them and pushed back on Potter's chest. He'd teach the whelp a lesson he wouldn't soon forget. Severus moved the man just far enough so he could slip his hand into his own robes and loosen them with a muttered spell. He ran a hand over the placket of his trousers, making sure Potter saw the move.
Potter licked his lips and stared.
"Do you really think you're ready to handle this?"
Potter nodded. The imbecile - pushing stupid bravery to the end. Well, Severus could push right back.
He worked his button and zip, freed his half-hard cock from the confines of his pants, banishing any embarrassment to the dark back corners of his mind. "Touch it, then. If you think you're so damned brave, then touch it. Prove you're not the straight boy we both know you are." That should send him running.
Potter reached out and stroked his fingers along Severus's shaft and then up, brushing the head teasingly.
Severus bit back a moan. His cock filled, swelling treacherously.
Potter wrapped his hand around Severus's erection, too lightly to give any real satisfaction. With his free hand, he struggled with the fronts of his own denims. "Hold on, I just…." He pulled out his cock and squeezed it in time with the strokes he was bestowing on Severus.
Who did Potter think he was to come on to him like this… to take Severus's hidden desires and expose them? Well, Potter might not mind a bit of mutual wanking. Really, most boys got up to as much in boarding school, but Severus would not be fodder for Potter's need for someone to take care of him, to give up their lives to buffer his wild magic. Severus grabbed Potter's shoulders and shoved him backward until Potter's back slammed against the wall and Potter's hands fell away from their cocks. "Do you think this is a game? Do you think you can experiment with your sexuality on me? Let me show you what you're playing with." Severus pressed up against Potter, bending his knees to lower himself to Potter's level. He roughly thrust his cock against Potter's, worried only for taking his own pleasure, for teaching Potter a much-needed lesson. He leaned forward and rested his elbows against the wall, neck bent, face nearly brushing Potter's shoulder. "You're damned lucky… unnnn… you pulled this stunt with me, not some other man." Severus's cock head stuttered to the top of Potter's, bumped the ridge and then went further, skittering through pre-come before making its descent. "Any other gay man would've taken even more… ahh… more liberties than this."
Potter wrapped his arms around Severus's waist - pulled their bodies closer, whispered, "Yessss."
Severus could smell sweat and sex. The sliver of air between them was humid and ripe. "Any other man would have swung you around and buried himself in," oh! Just the very thought… "your tight little arse."
Potter gasped and then keened.
Severus felt warmth soak through his shirt to his abdomen. His next up-thrust caught a pulse of Potter's spunk, hot and slick. He swallowed a groan as he shifted his weight back and then thrust forward again, his prick skittering through Potter's come, hitting Potter's stomach, exploding there, right there, as Severus's hips twitched and his nose sank into Potter's neck, breathing in all that was between them.
He allowed himself only a moment of recovery, an instant or two to allow his mind to clear, his senses to take in the feelings and scents, before he pushed away. Severus hastily tucked his spent cock into his pants, grimacing at the damp and stickiness.
Potter grinned. "A little cleaning spell maybe, Severus?"
"If you want to be clean, do it yourself."
The grin disappeared, only to return moments later. "Oh! I should practice, that's true, but I don't remember any good cleaning charms. It's been too long since I've used them and I wouldn't want to bollix it up."
Why must Potter go on nattering away as if nothing had happened, as if nothing had changed? Everything had just changed. In the time it took to find physical pleasure, any wisp of friendship that had remained between them had dissipated. "Leave." It was the one word Severus could force past his tight throat.
"Pardon?" Potter finally put his bits away and straightened his clothes. He shrugged. "It is getting late, I suppose, but the children are sleeping and they won't notice if I stay a little longer than usual. I gotta say, that was brilliant, Severus. The angry stuff caught me off guard - you're not still mad are you? - but in the end, it was all just dead sexy."
"Angry stuff? Do you still imagine I'm playing games, Potter?" Severus had found his voice again - it issued forth as a scream.
Potter jumped like a startled deer. His hands came up reflexively, plaintively. "I… I guess I don't know what's going on. I mean, we just… you know… and that means something, doesn't it? It has to mean something, Severus."
It took all of Severus's willpower not to hex the man on the spot. Of course, this was his fault as well, he'd been the one to press even when he knew how wrong it was. He'd tested Potter, but now he had no idea if Potter had passed or failed. As for himself, he had failed miserably. "Get this straight, Potter. What just happened between us meant nothing. I am not going to be your new crutch."
"My what? Crutch?" Potter lowered his arms. He scowled. "I'm not looking for a crutch. I can handle myself just fine, thank you very much."
Severus snorted. "Tell that to your late wife."
"How can you say that? I told you what happened and you're still going to throw it in my face?" Said face was red with rage.
Good. Angry was better than whatever it was Potter thought he had felt before.
Stepping toward Potter, hoping to menace the man into giving up and leaving, Severus said, "I am a man, Potter. I don't have a vagina. I don't sport breasts. I have a cock. Just like you."
"What? Don't you think I already know that? I just felt it. I'm wearing your spunk, in case you've forgotten."
Severus crowded into Harry's space, but the man held his ground. "You, on the other hand, are straight. You've had a wife. Girlfriends before that, I assume. I've never heard even a whisper of you being interested in men, of being bisexual. I won't be your experiment, Potter. I won't be the person you put up with so you can handle your own magic." He deserved more that that, damn it. He deserved real love, a real life. He'd dreamt of that far too often recently, damn it!
Potter folded his arms over his chest, his wrists brushing over Severus's stomach to reach their destination (his stomach that was still covered with semen-soaked cloth). "So that's what this is all about?" Potter was calmer, his anger seemingly fled.
"This what?"
"This anger. This argument. This Severus-is-going-to-send-me-away-and-pout garbage."
Severus retreated a few steps. "I do not pout. Now get out of my rooms!"
Potter shrugged. He moved toward the door. As he stood on the threshold, he said, "I'll leave as soon as I say my piece. I thought - no, I still think - we could be good with each other. Merlin help me, but I like you and would like to find out if it could be more between us. Sometimes I even think there already is more." He held up a hand when Severus opened his mouth to speak. "I'll only be here longer if you interrupt."
Severus snapped his jaw closed.
"And this has nothing to do with helping with my magic. It's loads better already. Which you already know." Potter leaned against the doorjamb. "This has to do with seeing the side of you that would befriend a child, that would set your own activities aside to make him happy, that would try like hell to accept the rest of that child's family because you know it's the right thing to do."
Severus didn't want to hear all this. He knew it for what it was. Potter might disillusion himself - he might believe what he said, but Severus knew better. Potter only wanted someone to lean on. Pure and simple.
"It also has to do with the amount of time we've spent together in these very rooms, how we've gotten to know each other, how you've helped me adjust to being a professor. I like what I've gotten to know. I thought maybe you did, too."
Too much so.
Potter straightened and opened the door. He took a step through and then turned back. "As for being straight, I wouldn't be so sure of that." He shrugged again, looking as if he was trying for nonchalance, but the grin he wore told another story - looked too triumphant. "As a matter of fact, I would have been as likely to marry Ron as Ginny, if he wasn't straight as a new arrow."
Potter let the door bang shut as he left.
Severus looked down his front at the drying stain decorating his clothing. Potter was deceiving himself, that's all. Severus wouldn't get pulled into making any more mistakes, in trusting what shouldn't be trusted. With a sigh, he walked into the bathroom and turned on the bathtub taps.
~**~**~**~
Severus imagined meals would be uncomfortable after their encounter, but other than Potter being a bit quieter than normal, they were much the same. Albus chattered, James clowned about, and Lily crammed just as many vegetables into her mouth as she always had.
If anyone else noticed Potter's stoicism, they didn't mention it, at least not to Severus.
Potter didn't speak to him, which Severus had to admit, he missed. He stopped himself on several occasions from making an observation or posing a question to Potter as he had in the past. In fact, Severus was beginning to realize just how much of his meals had been previously spent chatting with Potter. The way it was now was the way it'd been for years - Severus partaking in a quiet meal (well as quiet as it could get with James making farting noises whenever the inspiration struck) - and trying mightily to convince himself he preferred it this way.
On the second night after their ill-conceived tryst, Lily crawled into Severus's lap during dinner. She pulled a carrot from his plate, and held it to his mouth.
Severus pursed his lips and then turned his head so the vegetable was no longer in contact with him. "No, thank you," Severus said, eying her potato-encrusted hand.
"Peas?" Lily jabbed the carrot back at the general location of Severus's mouth.
He shook his head. "It's a carrot, not a pea."
Potter snorted, the first noise he'd made in Severus's direction since that night.
Severus glared at him.
Potter gave him a mischievous look. Not angry then, Severus supposed. When Potter winked at him, Severus turned away.
"Peas." Lily said, a bit more demandingly this time.
Severus sighed. He pointed to the bit of vegetable that was starting to disintegrate in her grip, adding orange to the gloppy white already covering her fist. "Carrot."
"Peas!" Lily squawked.
Since when had she even learned to speak, much less attempt to classify plant matter?
Before Severus could carry the argument further, he felt a tug on his sleeve. He turned toward Albus.
"She's saying 'please,' not 'peas,'" the boy whispered.
Of course she was. No wonder Potter found it all so amusing. Severus dared a glance at his colleagues. To a person, they were holding back laughter. Some were less obvious than others, but Longbottom was the worst. His sides were shaking, he held a hand over his mouth, his face was red, and tears were streaming down his cheeks.
Severus glared at the man, but that only made Longbottom finally burst. His snort of laughter fairly echoed off the walls.
He turned back to Lily, only to have his nose collide with her still offered fist. She looked as if she was about ready to crumble into tears.
"She won't give up until you take it," James said. "It's gross, but it has to be done or she'll start crying."
Wonderful.
Severus tried to take the decimated carrot from her hand to his, but she pulled it away and shoved it closer to his mouth again.
Fine. If there was only one way to end this mess, Severus could be man enough to do it. He opened his mouth and, with only the slightest contact between Lily's fingers and his lips, took about half of the proffered food. He didn't bother chewing, just swallowed the vile vegetable before he could think too hard on what was actually in his mouth.
Lily clapped her hands, spraying what was left of the carrot all over Severus's robes. As she climbed off his lap, she wiped even more goo on him in the process.
Minerva leaned forward and loudly said, "Whoever thought you couldn't make a good father, Severus, was sadly mistaken."
When Potter answered Minerva, he looked directly at Severus. "He'd make a brilliant father, I think." And then, while Severus was still looking at Potter, the man mouthed, "Or step-father."
With his appetite completely destroyed, Severus left the table.
~**~**~**~
It was no surprise to Severus that Albus came for his next scheduled visit. After all, Potter seemed intent on continuing with whatever lunacy had overcome him. It would all be so easy if Severus hadn't already been fantasizing about a quaint little family life with the Potter brood. He'd have to come up with some other tactic to scare the man off. Best to protect his heart before it became too entangled… although, he mused, as he looked at Albus, it might already be too late for that.
Unable to stop himself, he asked Albus, "Why didn't your father bring you down?"
Albus shrugged. "Daddy's been gone a lot lately."
"Gone? Where would your father possibly go?" Severus almost added, when he doesn't trust himself to step outside Hogwarts, but stopped just in time.
"Dunno."
Perhaps the man had found someone else to practice his magic with. Perhaps he was in the room they'd used for weeks now. Maybe it was a Weasley. "Have any of your uncles come around lately?"
Albus glanced away from the toy dragon he was playing with. "Uncles?"
"Ronald… Percy…. " Severus eyed the dragon, "Charlie…."
Albus shook his head and zoomed the dragon around the room.
"Anyone else visit lately?"
"Teddy watched us last night."
"Oh?" As worried about Teddy as Severus had been, the boy did seem to care well for the Potter children. "Anyone else?"
"No. Do you wanna come over? 'Cause Teddy says he wants you to show him how to do the barrel thing on his broom."
"Tell Teddy no. The head of Slytherin will certainly not teach a Gryffindor his tricks. Why, he might be on his house team in a year or two."
Albus's brow furrowed in the way it did when a random thought worried him. "What if I'm Gryffindor?"
"You're Slytherin."
"Okay."
~**~**~**~
Severus couldn't tell how often Potter was away, which was a bit annoying. He wanted to know what was going on. Potter no longer made visits to Severus's rooms at night, so Severus could only imagine what the man was getting up to. Perhaps that comment at dinner the other night hadn't been serious. Perhaps Potter had changed his mind, had seen how ridiculous he was being, and was looking elsewhere for a partner.
The thought soured Severus's stomach. He knew he couldn't really be with Potter, but imagining that someone else would be - that Potter might marry, might bring someone else in to help parent his children, might share his body and his bed with someone other than Severus, nearly made Severus sick with longing. If only Potter really wanted him… not just someone to lean on….
Yes, he had definitely fallen too far. Fool!
Severus's fears were confirmed a few nights later. It was a Saturday, had been a long day as Severus had chaperoned a Hogsmeade weekend along with Ronald Weasley. Weasley had been next to useless, preferring to tell tales of his own Hogwarts days instead of actually keeping the students in line. Severus was exhausted from being the only disciplinarian to a gaggle of hormone-ridden teenagers.
At dinner, when all he really wanted to do was relax, eat his food, and return to his quarters (and a hot bath), Potter's absence from the table was jarring. All three children were present. Albus and James were carrying on as normal, but Lily was refusing to eat anything Belfry offered her.
"Where's your father?" Severus growled at James.
"He went out. Said he'd be home before dark."
"Out? Out where?"
"Harry said he was going to London," Minerva interjected.
London? The man didn't dare go to Hogsmeade by himself. What was he doing in London? Severus gritted his teeth. More importantly, who did he go with? Whose arm was he clinging to? Severus pushed his own plate away and grabbed Lily's from Belfry. The house-elf's scraping and fussing was setting Severus on edge. "I will feed her. Go back to the Potters' quarters and wait to be called."
The elf's bulbous eyes widened. "Master Potter told me to bring the childrens to their meal. He says I should make sure Mistress Lily eats."
"Hasn't Potter also told you that you can leave the children with me any time?"
Belfry nodded.
"Leave."
With a soft pop, Belfry was gone.
Severus stood and lifted Lily out of her booster chair and into his lap. He banished the food that was on her plate and refilled it. "That blasted elf doesn't even know what you like."
Lily was soon aggressively scooping food into her mouth, gurgling happily.
When the three children had finished their meals, Severus was about to call Belfry to take them to their rooms (and a much-needed cleaning-up for Lily), when Potter strutted into the Great Hall through the staff door. Well, at least the man was back. He could tend to his own children as soon as Severus obtained some answers.
Someone followed Potter into the room. The man was tall and muscular, blond, and from the way he was gormlessly eying everything, Severus assumed he possessed more muscle than brains.
Potter nudged the man and pointed toward the Head Table, striding forward.
What was the man thinking? Had he completely lost his mind? Was he so desperate for companionship he'd introduce his children to his new lover so soon? And a man, no less! Why, if Severus had known Potter actually wanted a man, he would have….
Severus stood, pulling Lily onto his hip. "Come with me, boys. Immediately," he barked at the other two. He might not be able to stop this train wreck from happening, but he could at least delay it. Since the children hadn't yet seen their father and his doltish companion, the boys followed obediently.
Tracking through the hall to the Gryffindor table, Severus said, "Mr. Lupin, take the children to their quarters."
When the boy didn't immediately jump out of his seat, Severus narrowed his eyes and said, "Now."
"I'm not done, yet, Professor."
"If you get them out of here this instant, I will teach you the barrel roll."
Lupin shot out of his seat and pulled Lily into his arms. "Promise?" he asked as he strode away, the boys following behind like baby ducks.
When the doors closed behind the children, Severus turned around to find himself face-to-face with Potter and the blond.
"What was that all about, Severus?" Potter asked.
"I was attempting to delay the stupidity you seem ready to unload upon your children." Severus glanced from Harry to his companion. "What were you thinking?" he hissed.
"This is the bloke ya told me about, Harry?" The blond sounded dumber than he looked. Quite an accomplishment.
Harry nodded. "Yeah, though I don't know what he's going on about. What are you going on about, Severus?"
"You know very well what I'm on about."
Potter rubbed a hand over his eyes. "Sometimes you're so damned tiring, I don't know why I even try to keep up."
"Apparently you don't."
"Listen, I'll come down to your rooms so we can talk later, yeah? For now, we want to go visit the children."
Severus couldn't believe the man's stupidity! Hadn't Potter figured this out yet? Well, just in case he hadn't: stepping closer to Potter and lowering his voice to a whisper, Severus said, "Do you know how damaging it can be for children to see a string of lovers coming and going in their parent's life? If you must date, Potter, then leave your offspring in the dark about it."
Potter choked. Well, good for him to finally see the error of his ways. It was a moment before Severus realized Potter's choke was not from alarm, but from laughter. Severus felt his blood rising. He'd thought Potter to be a good father, a mature man (mostly). How had he ever dreamed they could be together if Potter was really like this?
Potter grabbed Severus's arm and pulled him toward the Entrance Hall. Severus, too gobsmacked to resist, allowed himself to be led. When the doors had shut behind them, Severus wrenched his arm away from Potter. "I fail to see what's so humorous in this situation." Even as he said the words, he felt something was just wrong. He swung toward the other man. "I can't feel your magic."
The man smiled. "I'm what you magical types call a Muggle. Isn't that right, Harry?"
Harry smiled at the man and then turned to Severus. "Severus, meet my cousin, Dudley."
Severus was just about to explode about how insane it was to bring a Muggle into Hogwarts, how perverted it was to date one's own cousin, but just as the words were ready to boil over, he snapped his mouth closed.
Perhaps he'd gotten it wrong.
"Dudley Dursley, sir," the man said, holding out a huge hand. "I'd say that I think you know my mum, but that might not reflect well on me."
When Severus ignored the proffered hand, Dursley dropped it. "Dursley? Petunia's son?"
"The very one," Potter said.
Severus's mind was racing with questions, but the first one that came to mind was, "Don't the two of you hate each other?"
"We mended fences years ago," Potter said. "Dudley's one of the few visitors other than the Weasleys who came around when I couldn't leave the house without Ginny. The kids are fond of him." Potter raised his eyebrows. "And I'm sure they'd love to see him this evening."
Oh. Well.
"So, Severus, you sent my children scurrying off because you were afraid I was going to parade a lover in front of them? Some stranger? I thought you knew me better than that."
"I thought I did as well." Now that the truth was out, Severus felt a bit dim. Of course, he couldn't berate himself really, the two men shared no family resemblance. Thank Merlin!
"I think I'll wait over here," Dudley said. He moved to the other side of the corridor and started whistling.
"Albus said you've been often gone recently."
Potter nodded. "I've been practicing magical control."
"By yourself?" As much as he might not want to admit it, Severus had enjoyed sharing Potter's triumphs, had been proud that he was the one who had helped bring them about.
"It was the only way to prove myself to you. That's why I went out today without you as well. And with a Muggle. You think I'm only interested in you as a crutch, as someone to help me with my magic. I had to show you that's not true. I've been working like mad to finish getting my magic under control." Potter grinned. "And I finally have. So to test it, I went out in London all day with Dudley. I didn't have a single problem, Severus!" Potter reached out and wrapped his hand around Severus's arm. "I don't want you because I need help with my magic. I proved that today, didn't I? I want to be with you because of all those things I said in your rooms the other night - all those and more. I want to be with you because I finally see in you what Albie does - a good man, someone I want to spend every moment I can with."
Oh, how Severus would have liked to use Legilimency to delve into Potter's mind and root out the truth, but he supposed that would be frowned upon. He knew hope often bred pain, but still, he couldn't stop the feelings that were being prodded out by Potter's words.
When Potter… Harry… realized Severus probably wasn't going to answer right away, he smiled softly. "Just think about it, yeah? Let me know when you want to talk. In the meantime, Dudley has some little cousins he wants to visit." Harry raised his voice louder and, toward Dudley, said, "And no teaching the boys any more boxing moves. James almost gave me a black eye last time."
Dudley laughed.
"I hope to see you later, Severus," Harry said as he turned away.
Falling in step with Harry, Dudley called over his shoulder. "Nice to meet you."
Severus could only nod. He listened to the two men as they retreated.
"Blimey, Harry, the woman in that picture just giggled and waved at me."
"Which one? Oh, yeah, she's a slag, that one."
"But she shouldn't move."
"Oh, around here all the paintings move. They talk as well."
"Blimey."
"And wait until you run into one of the ghosts…."
Severus stood in the corridor, knowing he had to eventually move. He couldn’t remain stuck in this moment forever, indecision freezing him to the spot. The stairway to take him to the dungeons was to his left, the corridor that would lead him in the direction of Gryffindor Tower was to his right. But still he stood, his mind working so fast it seemed to sap his body's energy.
The doors to the Great Hall banged open and a sea of students emerged, breaking the silence.
What did all these children think, seeing their teacher standing in the hallway looking lost? They'd probably think him a fool, and they'd be right. Severus knew he was a certain kind of fool: one that would stride forward regardless of how unguarded it might leave his heart, of how unpredictable his life might become.
He turned to the right and moved toward his future.
"Epilogue"