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Gonna watch the Silent Hill movie now, I've been putting it off due to how much I love Silent Hill and hate watching my loved ones get raped.
I'll report back with appropriate bitching as things piss me off.
0:00:40 - Bitch running around in a tanktop and short shorts, screaming. Great start.
0:01:36 - When looking for your daughter the obvious path should be front yard, haunted forrest, troll bridge, and then to the waterfall on the two mile deep gorge.
0:02:10 - Don't fall into Saruman's underground workshop!
0:02:18 - Sean Bean plays CGI Frogger.
0:06:45 - Better not go to Silent Hill guys, I just Googled it. That place is fucked.
0:08:35 - I'm looking for John Connor.
0:14:43 - Ashes eh? Thanks, woulda never deduced that on my own. What with snow being black and all.
0:19:42 - That's a really good lighter. I can't run full speed in the rain with any of mine.
0:20:15 - BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAAAHAA
0:21:10 - CG + CG = Video Game, People + CG = Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
0:22:00 - Jukeboxes in Silent Hill play ironic Johnny Cash songs.
0:24:30 - No I don't have any spare change creepy Oracle of Silent Hill.
0:25:40 - Don't go to Silent Hill mister, got a death curse on it! Sometiiimes, dead is betta.
0:31:38 - What is this shit? This isn't Evil Dead 2, no one gets trapped in Silent Hill, they go willingly or are called there. It's not a death trap.
0:33:15 - The part of Cybil Bennet will be played by Ellen Degeneres.
0:34:52 - How annoying would the game have been if Harry screamed "CHERYL!!!" every five minutes?
0:50:35 - lol "Help meeee! Help meeeeeee!"
0:53:29 - So Silent Hill is on a timer I guess. "What A Terrible Night For A Curse!"
0:57:18 - Oh yeah lady, Silent Hill is PACKED with people.
0:58:48 - Rose, does your daughter always draw pictures of foreshadowing?
0:59:30 - Yeah a place with confidential police records probably wouldn't have an alarm.
1:06:40 - Oh my god, "look at me, I'm burrrrning." That was six kinds of gay.
1:08:40 - RAHHHHHN GET TO THE CHOPPA!!! RAHHHHNNNNN!!!
1:09:11 - Are you fucking kidding me? The population of Silent Hill is "whoever wanders into it", not 90.
1:11:20 - Wow, her skin came off easier than her clothes did. He must be REALLY STRONG.
1:11:45 - Bread! Apples! Very small rocks! Cider! Gravy! Cherries! Mud! Churches! Churches! Lead! . . . . "A duck!"
1:21:45 - Take this magical bow and quiver, aim for the gem in the demons forehead. Up up down down left right left right B A Start.
1:23:38 - They kicked her ass so bad DRIED blood came out of her mouth?
1:26:03 - Look out! Light sends them into funky chicken mode!
1:27:10 - Bubblehead Catfight! Bubblehead Catfight!!!
1:27:40 - Congratulations Neo, you found The Architect.
1:28:20 - Enjoy this home video I made to explain the shoddy inconsistant backstory.
1:31:21 - Silent Hill was created due to a faulty chain breaking during a child burning. Right-o.
1:35:40 - Blah blah blah "The sleeper must awaken!" zzz
1:44:05 - "WITCH! SHES A WITCH" "WITCH!" "WITCH!" This is getting fucking retarded.
1:49:43 - Barbed wire up the vagina. The big exclamation point on the end of the "This movie sucks!" I desperately needed to express.
1:58:08 - Stupid movie. At least the credits remind me of Silent Hill, sorta (could be because it's just using the theme from SH3 but hey...)
At first I honestly had high hopes, that it would be handled well, that it was in good hands. But like pretty much every other pre-existing premise movie, it was handled by third graders with safety scissors and a weekend to complete it.
Too much time was spent trying to wrap everything up in a neat, easy to understand box. The whole home video explination of what happened to Alessa was garbage, as was every one of the Holy Grail extras screaming "WITCH! BURN HER".
So Silent Hill was created by breaking a little girls heart, pretty much.
This film was bullshit, an addled, cheap feeling, CGI ridden travesty that treads all over one of the few things I can say I honestly love and have incredible amounts of artistic appreciation for.
4 / 10 (and I'm only giving it that much from the perspective of a person who has never even heard of the games)