(no subject)
What a winding road the last 6 months have been. There is a lot of good to report, and some not so good. Overall, I think the last bit of time has given me the strength to make it past the next few months without snapping mentally or breaking down physically more than I already have.
For most of you, you know me as high-strung, high-energy, hyper-efficient Aliki. While all of those hyphen happy adjectives are still true, I've been trying to take a step back in my hectic life and enjoy the simpler things. While my job is slowly trying to kill me, I still love what I do. It's a love-hate relationship that I battle every day with wanting to help people, being the best at what I do, and not drowning in my inbox that hasn't seen less than 1700 messages in almost a year. I'm at the head of some pretty massive projects, and while they are exciting, I always try to be aware of the crap that could or already has fallen off my radar due to being more minor. Those are the bits that keep me up at night. Strike one for control freakish me.
Then comes family - and this time I actually mean my parents. My father's marriage seems to be ending, and while I'm not upset about this in the slightest, I want to make sure I'm there for him more this time around so he doesn't go running off getting hitched to avoid being alone. His mood improves tremendously when he's around the kids, so I want him to be close to family. I'd feel better about it if I didn't worry so horribly that he isn't good with money and he's not getting any younger. I love my Dad dearly, but I can't live his life for him. Strike 2 for control freakish me...
My mother, on the other hand, seems to have gone off the deep end. While she is still entirely capable of handling herself financially, I think she's so emotionally neglected that she's looking in all the wrong places to fill that gap. I know the majority of this stems from the loss of her boyfriend, companion, and general best friend back a few years ago. We all took his death hard, but she's been searching for his replacement, and I have a feeling Mike was one in a million. My heart goes out to her.
My immediate family, you know... the ones I spawned myself, are doing great. I actually stop and really enjoy my 5 month old. I enjoy watching the 2 kids interact with each other. Their laughter has healing capabilities that I never knew possible. But I worry at the same time. I worry for their future, their lives, their decisions. I guess this is fairly typical of most parents, but I find that I am trying to change the way I am, the way I interact with my world so that they can have the hope of a better existence. Not a bad reason to recycle, eh?
I'd say I have a lot of friends, but I really don't anymore. I know a lot of people online, and you are all very special in each of your own ways, but I don't interact in person with to many people. There are a few of you (you know who you are) which are in the same situation as I am and meeting up for a beer or hanging out somewhere not my house... is just difficult. I find I'm growing more comfortable in this though, but it goes hand in hand with enjoying the life I have instead of lamenting the life I thought I'd have. And I don't mean that in a way that I feel my life is bad - I just thought I'd have more time to do all the stuff I wanted while doing all the stuff I do now. I realize that those aspirations where the result of immature reasoning created by an overachieving control freak. Yeah. I know.
So where do I go from here? I live my life, I save my money, I get a new dishwasher. I enjoy my time with those who will let me into their lives even for a bit, as I allow the few into mine. I smile when my babies smile at me, and I pray for their future. All in all, I'm lucky. I can't deny that.
For most of you, you know me as high-strung, high-energy, hyper-efficient Aliki. While all of those hyphen happy adjectives are still true, I've been trying to take a step back in my hectic life and enjoy the simpler things. While my job is slowly trying to kill me, I still love what I do. It's a love-hate relationship that I battle every day with wanting to help people, being the best at what I do, and not drowning in my inbox that hasn't seen less than 1700 messages in almost a year. I'm at the head of some pretty massive projects, and while they are exciting, I always try to be aware of the crap that could or already has fallen off my radar due to being more minor. Those are the bits that keep me up at night. Strike one for control freakish me.
Then comes family - and this time I actually mean my parents. My father's marriage seems to be ending, and while I'm not upset about this in the slightest, I want to make sure I'm there for him more this time around so he doesn't go running off getting hitched to avoid being alone. His mood improves tremendously when he's around the kids, so I want him to be close to family. I'd feel better about it if I didn't worry so horribly that he isn't good with money and he's not getting any younger. I love my Dad dearly, but I can't live his life for him. Strike 2 for control freakish me...
My mother, on the other hand, seems to have gone off the deep end. While she is still entirely capable of handling herself financially, I think she's so emotionally neglected that she's looking in all the wrong places to fill that gap. I know the majority of this stems from the loss of her boyfriend, companion, and general best friend back a few years ago. We all took his death hard, but she's been searching for his replacement, and I have a feeling Mike was one in a million. My heart goes out to her.
My immediate family, you know... the ones I spawned myself, are doing great. I actually stop and really enjoy my 5 month old. I enjoy watching the 2 kids interact with each other. Their laughter has healing capabilities that I never knew possible. But I worry at the same time. I worry for their future, their lives, their decisions. I guess this is fairly typical of most parents, but I find that I am trying to change the way I am, the way I interact with my world so that they can have the hope of a better existence. Not a bad reason to recycle, eh?
I'd say I have a lot of friends, but I really don't anymore. I know a lot of people online, and you are all very special in each of your own ways, but I don't interact in person with to many people. There are a few of you (you know who you are) which are in the same situation as I am and meeting up for a beer or hanging out somewhere not my house... is just difficult. I find I'm growing more comfortable in this though, but it goes hand in hand with enjoying the life I have instead of lamenting the life I thought I'd have. And I don't mean that in a way that I feel my life is bad - I just thought I'd have more time to do all the stuff I wanted while doing all the stuff I do now. I realize that those aspirations where the result of immature reasoning created by an overachieving control freak. Yeah. I know.
So where do I go from here? I live my life, I save my money, I get a new dishwasher. I enjoy my time with those who will let me into their lives even for a bit, as I allow the few into mine. I smile when my babies smile at me, and I pray for their future. All in all, I'm lucky. I can't deny that.