Choices
"Don’t die without trying the job you want to do.
And living is continuous choosing.
When you’re making the choice, decide which is tougher and harder.
Then choose the tough and hard one without hesitation.
The reward for that will be greater. There will be value in what you win."
(GACKT in his blog, translated by amaia here)
As it has happened several times before, his words strike a chord. But very often, the hardest part is to judge which is the more difficult, and therefore, more courageous path to choose.
I told my boss today that i wanted to quit. He dismissed it - told me to explain why, why i thought that the new job was 'better'. I couldn't tell him that i thought that things were not going to go anywhere under his leadership. I couldn't tell him that i felt there was no growth working under or with him. How could i say anything without being directly rude? So he told me to think about it, and dismissed me. when i went back to him later, he said, 'i don't have time today, can we do this tomorrow?' I felt so infuriated. I'm losing out on precious time here. If he can't be bothered to speak to me, why doesn't he let me resign? if he DOES care about me, why leave me hanging, dismiss me so nonchalantly today? I don't understand and I feel so mad.
But coming back to Gaku's words here. they got me thinking - am I taking the easy way out? But then, what is easy? Staying where I am right now - this is a space which I'm familiar with, where I have made friends, and even if my work and opportunities aren't that awesome, I can manage. i can plod along happily. On the other hand, I'll be moving somewhere where i don't know too many people, am not comfortable at all - but the salary is much higher, and the opportunities for proving myself will come more often and i have the chance of performing really well or, LOL, goofing up really badly.
My boss wants me to believe that i am actually running away from challenges. that the lack of opportunities and paucity of work in my present organization poses a challenge which i need to face and overcome instead of running away from it.
But that's not true. the fact that I'm moving somewhere far more established and structured is a challenge by itself. It'll be a new experience altogether, which, again, is a challenge.
I still don't know if it's the most courageous step to take. but I've made up my mind that this is what i need to do and this is where i need to go. and harking back to the first line - don't die without trying the job you want to do. well, i want to try now, and i want to take that leap which will help me do what i want to do.
This issue has been bothering me a lot today. i just needed some clarity of thought. I think reading G's blog, and 'thinking aloud' here really helped.
I hope I'll be able to be clear about what i want tomorrow, when i meet him. Clear, without being rude.
So... thank you, Mr Camui, for being there for me once again. :)
