Blame it on a simple twist of fate
So here's the thing: I'm pretty sure (read 99% positive) I'm staying in DC next year. Not because I have a job, but because I'm starting to have connections - I know people at theatres, people know me, and if they don't, when I tell them what I've been doing they'll at least know what it means and who I've been working with. I'm not expecting to get a theatre job next year, but I will hopefully get to do important un-paid theatre things while working some day-job to pay the rent. Which is what I would be doing anywhere, but here I might actually get to do so with some important places and people that, frankly, would look really good on my resume at this point in my career.
And of course, part of me just feels dreadful about abandoning Flat Earth and everyone in Boston, but after talking to both Cora and Kevin about it (where would I be without those two?) - I know that this is the time in my life where I need to do what I need to do and be where I need to be, career wise. Of course geographically, the place I *want* to be is New England - going home this past weekend for Passover definitely confirmed that. New England is just in my blood, an no matter how long I live anywhere else, it will always be home to me. But I do like DC, and it will be nice to live somewhere for more than a year....
None of the specifics are set yet, having only made this decision in the past month or so; all I know is that my current job ends on July 10. I'm thinking after that I'll put my stuff in storage and take a vacation for the rest of the summer - considering that between now and then I will have a total of I think 4 days off - and then come back to DC and move somewhere (I don't want to think about it now) and get a job (another thing I don't want to think about right now). This is all very subject to change... but if I do take a month and a half vacation, I expect to spend some of it visiting all of you!
So anyway, that's the big life-decision that's happened to me recently. The job itself is kind of insane and stressful, and there are certain elements of it that I certainly will not miss. But I've been AD-ing the Acting Fellows project, which is an adaptation of Hamlet, and it's been nice to actually be involved in a creative process again - I'd forgotten how much I missed that. And then I get to be the second assistant director (the assistant to the AD, basically) on King Lear, which is a remount of the 2006 Goodman production directed by Bob Falls and starring Stacy Keach - and that promises to be an incredibly awesome experience. Of course, I have to keep up with all my office work on top of that, so it means I get to pull a whole lot of 15 hour days and work 7 days a week for a month and a half, but hey - it's not like I have anything else going on in my life.
I did finally talk to the boy (the one who is kind of the man I want to marry - no joke, unfortunately), and after a few confrontations, I just in the past week got to the base truth of the matter: he and his girlfriend have been going through a rough patch, but they've been together for five and a half years, and that's probably not going to change anytime soon. And that is the final answer. Yes, there was mutual interest, yes, there was very much mutual attraction, but he's not going to leave that long-term relationship for someone he more or less just met. And that's not me projecting, that is, after actual conversation about it, the solid truth of the situation.
And of course, it breaks my heart, because I've never quite been in this situation before - I have never felt quite this way about someone I've met, even the people I've dated. But that's the way things are. And as much as I may regret bringing the issue out in the open and therefore bringing about the end to it all, I know it's better this way - because the longer I pretended that things might work out in my favor, the more hurt I would have been when they didn't. The longer you dream, the harder you fall, and this way, even though the landing was painful, I'll survive it.
(I go through this struggle over and over again - false hope vs. no hope. And I always decide on no hope, and make the move so that false hope is irrevocably lost. And then I regret it, deeply. But I know, in the end, no hope is better than false - because while the former may let you down, it is the latter that will leave you flat.)
So anyhow, we're going to be friends. Because I like him too much to let go of him completely. And we hung out, and it wasn't awkward, and we talked about it, and we even joked about it, had fun with it. And although of course it was painful, I'm man enough to fake it 'til I make it.
And it does make me feel better that they've been in a relationship for that long - because I would hope that he would take serious consideration before leaving that much of a commitment for someone he's only known for four months. (And, due to my obsession with dates, I of course just noticed that it is four months ago to the day that I first met him....) And it seems he did take consideration, and decided to stick with his five and a half years. And those are the facts I need to accept and live with - just because he seems to be Mr. Right to me doesn't mean I'm Ms. Right to him.
So now I bury myself in work, as described above.
And, you know, I am staying in DC, so just in case things don't work out with his girlfriend... (Don't worry, I'm not actually banking on that - and that's certainly not the reason I'm staying, so you don't need to start harassing me about it!)
And, because I have a song to go with everything (and 95% of the time, it's Dylan - with the pronoun genders switched, as usual):
They sat together in the park
As the evening sky grew dark,
She looked at him and he felt a spark tingle to his bones.
'Twas then he felt alone and wished that he'd gone straight
And watched out for a simple twist of fate.
They walked along by the old canal
A little confused, I remember well
And stopped into a strange hotel with a neon burnin' bright.
He felt the heat of the night hit him like a freight train
Moving with a simple twist of fate.
A saxophone someplace far off played
As she was walkin' by the arcade.
As the light bust through a beat-up shade where he was wakin' up,
She dropped a coin into the cup of a blind man at the gate
And forgot about a simple twist of fate.
He woke up, the room was bare
He didn't see her anywhere.
He told himself he didn't care, pushed the window open wide,
Felt an emptiness inside to which he just could not relate
Brought on by a simple twist of fate.
He hears the ticking of the clocks
And walks along with a parrot that talks,
Hunts her down by the waterfront docks where the sailers all come in.
Maybe she'll pick him out again, how long must he wait
Once more for a simple twist of fate.
People tell me it's a sin
To know and feel too much within.
I still believe she was my twin, but I lost the ring.
She was born in spring, but I was born too late
Blame it on a simple twist of fate.
I'm sure it's indicative of some psychological issue that I can't process anything that happens in my personal life without a song (or several) with which to define it....
Anyhow, that's me from the past... however long it's been since I last updated. To conclude: you all should come visit me in DC. That is not a request, it is a command!
And of course, part of me just feels dreadful about abandoning Flat Earth and everyone in Boston, but after talking to both Cora and Kevin about it (where would I be without those two?) - I know that this is the time in my life where I need to do what I need to do and be where I need to be, career wise. Of course geographically, the place I *want* to be is New England - going home this past weekend for Passover definitely confirmed that. New England is just in my blood, an no matter how long I live anywhere else, it will always be home to me. But I do like DC, and it will be nice to live somewhere for more than a year....
None of the specifics are set yet, having only made this decision in the past month or so; all I know is that my current job ends on July 10. I'm thinking after that I'll put my stuff in storage and take a vacation for the rest of the summer - considering that between now and then I will have a total of I think 4 days off - and then come back to DC and move somewhere (I don't want to think about it now) and get a job (another thing I don't want to think about right now). This is all very subject to change... but if I do take a month and a half vacation, I expect to spend some of it visiting all of you!
So anyway, that's the big life-decision that's happened to me recently. The job itself is kind of insane and stressful, and there are certain elements of it that I certainly will not miss. But I've been AD-ing the Acting Fellows project, which is an adaptation of Hamlet, and it's been nice to actually be involved in a creative process again - I'd forgotten how much I missed that. And then I get to be the second assistant director (the assistant to the AD, basically) on King Lear, which is a remount of the 2006 Goodman production directed by Bob Falls and starring Stacy Keach - and that promises to be an incredibly awesome experience. Of course, I have to keep up with all my office work on top of that, so it means I get to pull a whole lot of 15 hour days and work 7 days a week for a month and a half, but hey - it's not like I have anything else going on in my life.
I did finally talk to the boy (the one who is kind of the man I want to marry - no joke, unfortunately), and after a few confrontations, I just in the past week got to the base truth of the matter: he and his girlfriend have been going through a rough patch, but they've been together for five and a half years, and that's probably not going to change anytime soon. And that is the final answer. Yes, there was mutual interest, yes, there was very much mutual attraction, but he's not going to leave that long-term relationship for someone he more or less just met. And that's not me projecting, that is, after actual conversation about it, the solid truth of the situation.
And of course, it breaks my heart, because I've never quite been in this situation before - I have never felt quite this way about someone I've met, even the people I've dated. But that's the way things are. And as much as I may regret bringing the issue out in the open and therefore bringing about the end to it all, I know it's better this way - because the longer I pretended that things might work out in my favor, the more hurt I would have been when they didn't. The longer you dream, the harder you fall, and this way, even though the landing was painful, I'll survive it.
(I go through this struggle over and over again - false hope vs. no hope. And I always decide on no hope, and make the move so that false hope is irrevocably lost. And then I regret it, deeply. But I know, in the end, no hope is better than false - because while the former may let you down, it is the latter that will leave you flat.)
So anyhow, we're going to be friends. Because I like him too much to let go of him completely. And we hung out, and it wasn't awkward, and we talked about it, and we even joked about it, had fun with it. And although of course it was painful, I'm man enough to fake it 'til I make it.
And it does make me feel better that they've been in a relationship for that long - because I would hope that he would take serious consideration before leaving that much of a commitment for someone he's only known for four months. (And, due to my obsession with dates, I of course just noticed that it is four months ago to the day that I first met him....) And it seems he did take consideration, and decided to stick with his five and a half years. And those are the facts I need to accept and live with - just because he seems to be Mr. Right to me doesn't mean I'm Ms. Right to him.
So now I bury myself in work, as described above.
And, you know, I am staying in DC, so just in case things don't work out with his girlfriend... (Don't worry, I'm not actually banking on that - and that's certainly not the reason I'm staying, so you don't need to start harassing me about it!)
And, because I have a song to go with everything (and 95% of the time, it's Dylan - with the pronoun genders switched, as usual):
They sat together in the park
As the evening sky grew dark,
She looked at him and he felt a spark tingle to his bones.
'Twas then he felt alone and wished that he'd gone straight
And watched out for a simple twist of fate.
They walked along by the old canal
A little confused, I remember well
And stopped into a strange hotel with a neon burnin' bright.
He felt the heat of the night hit him like a freight train
Moving with a simple twist of fate.
A saxophone someplace far off played
As she was walkin' by the arcade.
As the light bust through a beat-up shade where he was wakin' up,
She dropped a coin into the cup of a blind man at the gate
And forgot about a simple twist of fate.
He woke up, the room was bare
He didn't see her anywhere.
He told himself he didn't care, pushed the window open wide,
Felt an emptiness inside to which he just could not relate
Brought on by a simple twist of fate.
He hears the ticking of the clocks
And walks along with a parrot that talks,
Hunts her down by the waterfront docks where the sailers all come in.
Maybe she'll pick him out again, how long must he wait
Once more for a simple twist of fate.
People tell me it's a sin
To know and feel too much within.
I still believe she was my twin, but I lost the ring.
She was born in spring, but I was born too late
Blame it on a simple twist of fate.
I'm sure it's indicative of some psychological issue that I can't process anything that happens in my personal life without a song (or several) with which to define it....
Anyhow, that's me from the past... however long it's been since I last updated. To conclude: you all should come visit me in DC. That is not a request, it is a command!