(no subject)
It's hard to understand that there is no such thing as all better. Since I was a kid I've always wanted to remake myself and just completely change everything about how I do and how I feel.
School is pretty rough. I.e., I'm not that good at school.
This term I've tried to be both more and less serious than I was last term. To be clear, I've tried to reconcile myself to being sneaky, going for the easy solution--writing papers on books I haven't finished reading, sleeping through class if I know the teacher doesn't take attendance, and so on. My grades are fine, and I haven't had the levels of dissociation, panic, and exhaustion I was experiencing last term, but I also haven't not experienced those things at all.
When I was a kid, I remember reading a short story that described a character as "always knowing what she needed." This was presented in the story as almost a superpower, and I didn't understand at the time, but I do now. When I'm really worn out and I decide to sleep instead of going to class, or buy some kind of food I really like even though it would be more practical to eat in the dining hall, or just read a book instead of stressing about homework, it's not really true that this is going to give me more energy and make me perform better in school at some future date. It's just something I want to do. If my goal is just to be a better student, absolutely none of this stuff is really going to help. They're just things I want to do, not medicine.
(Except maybe the sleep because I just can't handle the not sleeping thing. Every time I almost get all caught up I end up staying up all night again. There are some nights when I go to bed at eleven and I think I'm finally going to get myself on a good schedule, but then I guess I have so much sleep debt that I sleep for twelve hours.)
It is a little comforting to think that maybe I'm just not that good at being in school and that also school isn't incredibly important to me and I don't have to feel like a bad person because I have so much trouble focusing on it. My current just-hanging-on state isn't going to be apparent in my transcript. No one's going to know how ridiculous I was.
On my own time I've been reading a book about girls in segregated "emotional disturbance" special ed settings, and writing, obviously. I have also had two longish blog posts developing for a while--one exploring/debunking the idea that "social skills" are an objective ability, and another about intersections of sexual minority/trans issues, and various disabilities. (Basically I feel that "queer identity" can become too much of a culture or social group, to the extent that people who consider themselves queer activists only support queer/trans people who they can easily relate to or who can easily fit into the culture--which leaves many people out.)
Once I graduate I guess my activities will be:
1. working some kind of staff/teaching job with PWDDs. Sort of funny because some people think that this kind of job is "depressing" or "tiring" because they don't feel that progress ever happens, especially with people who have severe disabilities, but I feel completely the other way around. It's sort of the instant gratification that makes that type of work most appealing to me.
2. writing fiction and maybe some music
3. continuing to write disability stuff (blog and supplements)
These are all things I really love and care about so I think--hope--that I will be less stressed than I am now, especially because I won't have to prioritize so much. I have found that when I'm spending all my time on one or two projects I really love--like during winter term--I can focus in a way I usually never can.
I'm writing this for my mom to read partly. Hi! I'm okay. I'm not depressed or failing out of school or in danger. Liam is teaching me to rollerblade. Tomorrow the classics department is having a Greek vs. Trojans kickball game. Maybe I'll call you when I finish writing this.
School is pretty rough. I.e., I'm not that good at school.
This term I've tried to be both more and less serious than I was last term. To be clear, I've tried to reconcile myself to being sneaky, going for the easy solution--writing papers on books I haven't finished reading, sleeping through class if I know the teacher doesn't take attendance, and so on. My grades are fine, and I haven't had the levels of dissociation, panic, and exhaustion I was experiencing last term, but I also haven't not experienced those things at all.
When I was a kid, I remember reading a short story that described a character as "always knowing what she needed." This was presented in the story as almost a superpower, and I didn't understand at the time, but I do now. When I'm really worn out and I decide to sleep instead of going to class, or buy some kind of food I really like even though it would be more practical to eat in the dining hall, or just read a book instead of stressing about homework, it's not really true that this is going to give me more energy and make me perform better in school at some future date. It's just something I want to do. If my goal is just to be a better student, absolutely none of this stuff is really going to help. They're just things I want to do, not medicine.
(Except maybe the sleep because I just can't handle the not sleeping thing. Every time I almost get all caught up I end up staying up all night again. There are some nights when I go to bed at eleven and I think I'm finally going to get myself on a good schedule, but then I guess I have so much sleep debt that I sleep for twelve hours.)
It is a little comforting to think that maybe I'm just not that good at being in school and that also school isn't incredibly important to me and I don't have to feel like a bad person because I have so much trouble focusing on it. My current just-hanging-on state isn't going to be apparent in my transcript. No one's going to know how ridiculous I was.
On my own time I've been reading a book about girls in segregated "emotional disturbance" special ed settings, and writing, obviously. I have also had two longish blog posts developing for a while--one exploring/debunking the idea that "social skills" are an objective ability, and another about intersections of sexual minority/trans issues, and various disabilities. (Basically I feel that "queer identity" can become too much of a culture or social group, to the extent that people who consider themselves queer activists only support queer/trans people who they can easily relate to or who can easily fit into the culture--which leaves many people out.)
Once I graduate I guess my activities will be:
1. working some kind of staff/teaching job with PWDDs. Sort of funny because some people think that this kind of job is "depressing" or "tiring" because they don't feel that progress ever happens, especially with people who have severe disabilities, but I feel completely the other way around. It's sort of the instant gratification that makes that type of work most appealing to me.
2. writing fiction and maybe some music
3. continuing to write disability stuff (blog and supplements)
These are all things I really love and care about so I think--hope--that I will be less stressed than I am now, especially because I won't have to prioritize so much. I have found that when I'm spending all my time on one or two projects I really love--like during winter term--I can focus in a way I usually never can.
I'm writing this for my mom to read partly. Hi! I'm okay. I'm not depressed or failing out of school or in danger. Liam is teaching me to rollerblade. Tomorrow the classics department is having a Greek vs. Trojans kickball game. Maybe I'll call you when I finish writing this.