Step by Step, One Step at a Time
Our God truly is an awesome God! He is faithful and truly has a purpose for those who call upon His name.
First- a preface: God has really been laying on my heart recently the importance of unrepented sin in my heart and how it prevents me from truly doing what he would have me do. It had been brought to my attention more than once that it could be sin that was commited years ago that I was no longer even aware of, but the stain is still there and needs to be removed. So I had/have been praying for God to reveal those things that I needed to admit and repent of, especially since I'm doing summer missions this summer. I need to be spiritually prepared. (It'd only make sense.)
So this weekend was great! LTC (Leadership Training Conference) was held in Clinton at Mississippi College this year. Because I'm a summer missionary I had to go on Thursday (a day early) for Summer Missions Orientation seminars. When I got there, I was directed to a table where the orientation packets for international missions students were set up. While scanning the table for the folder with my name on it, I spoted one that said "David Bell." I immediately thought of this guy who was part of a group of A-listers who maliciously attacked my integrity and reputation throughout grade school. I never knew him that much until about ninth grade when we began having classes together. The things those guys did to me made lasting scars that affected everything from my sense of masculinity to a deep, intrinsic fear of girls, my aversion to sports (as I associate most with those guys) and other things. Rumors started by these guys followed me to college and are still around I'm sure. He also was a big boozer. All in all, he was the stereotypical jock, always joining in with his buds to make someone nearby to look stupid and small in comparison to them. I couldn't imagine that it was this same guy that was now doing summer missions. I ignored it and sat down.
It wasn't until a group from Southern came in late that I realized that the David Bell who was doing summer missions was indeed the same David Bell that I knew from high school. As he passed me trying to find a seat, I avoided eye contact. The first session lasted about an hour and a half. Then it was time for a break. That's when I heard it- "Jonathan!" I turned around and there he was. "Hey, man! Long time no see," I said faking the biggest smile I could. Truth be told I was being torn between an aversion to talk to him and an honest desire to be happy to see someone from high school. again. We made small talk and I found out he's going to the same region that I'm going to this summer. As we parted ways, I thought to myself that God obviously wanted me to deal with those feelings. So I "forgave" him and genuinely hoped we'd run in again. Little did I know what was in store.
That night at the hotel, I was coming from the vending machines when I heard that same voice from behind me. "Hey, Jonathan!" I gave the typical, "Hey, dude. What's up?" He said that we were going to be roommates; he had asked the front desk who else was staying in the room with him and thought it was a little crazy that we would end up together. I figured it was because we were going to the same region, though I don't know why he wasn't paired up with one of the people going to the same job. I'm the only one from Mississippi doing my job so I never expected to know anyone in my room. It then crossed my mind that we were going to have to share beds as our other two roommates, knowing each other well, offered to share a bed with each other. In my head, though I had "forgiven" him, I couldn't help but think God was playing a sick joke by sticking me with David for the weekend.
As we were sitting in the room, before he went off to eat with his school, during a new round of small talk where I focused on my Snickers so I wouldn't have to say much, David looks me in the eyes with the most sincere expression and says, "I just want you to know that I'm not the same person I used to be in high school." I didn't really know what to say so I said I wasn't either (which is VERY true). We got to talking and before I knew it, I realized he wasn't kidding. Everything was very surface level and he was in a rush so we promised to pick up the conversation when he got back.
He rolled back in around 12:30, our other roommates also back from wherever they had been. Eventually we get to talking about high school. Our roommate, Caleb, told David how him and our other roommate knew each other, but not that well. I said that David and I knew each other pretty well considering we had never been friends. That's when the flood gates opened. At first it was a trickle, then it burst open with full force. David ended up apologizing for everything he had said and done in high school, right there in front of those total strangers, telling me that if he had a chance to go back and change it he would. He also said that he felt he was worse than his friends because he thought I was cool but always went along with the ridiculing and malicious jokes just to fit in.
I just couldn't believe it. We ended up sharing our testimonies, what God was doing in our lives, our high school pasts from the perspective of time, sharing things most people don't know and ministering in the Spirit to each other. Many times I told him I couldn't believe I was having that kind of conversation with him. He agreed. We even climbed in bed at one point with every intention of going to sleep only to talk for about two more hours. It was around five thirty or so when we finally fell asleep! This same guy who no more than a week ago if I had seen him on the street I would've pretended to be texting someone to avoid eye contact! Here we were being open- completely- to each other. I shared my heart about how he and his friends affected me and how I've tried to deal. He repeatedly told me that he regrets not just me (because I wasn't an isolated case by any means) but others. I saw God in this man. I saw in him the love that is in me. I suddenly realized that there were two sides to this coin and that an unrepented sin that weighed heavily on my heart was the hatred, resentment and retaliations I felt and took out on David and his friends throughout high school. I thought I had delt with those issues, but I had only become so used to them that I no longer noticed their affects.
We ended up staying with each other the entire weekend. On Friday, the international missions students were randomly split before the session. We were put in the same group. The entire day we learned from each other as we discussed things with career missionaires. I got to see more of his heart. That night, my quiet time lead me into reading the entire book of Ephesians. The book spoke directly to my heart concerning David. Ephesians 1:15-18 seemed to speak the most to my heart about this new friend. When I got back, our roommates were asleep and he was tired (as was I) so we didn't talk but went straight to sleep.
Saturday was mostly full of stuff with our respective BSUs and that afternoon was the Summer Missions Commencement Ceremony. We didn't see each other at all but God continued to speak to me. The spirit was strong in me and as the seminars continued, I learned a lot from the speaker about true leadership and servanthood. Before the commencement, David caught me and told me to find him. So, after the long and boring ceremony where I fell asleep from boredom, David and I found each other. I asked to pray over him and he was going to ask the same. So we went into a side room. There I shared with him the verses from Ephesians that spoke to me, especially 1:15-18 (and since it was mostly about prayer I told him that I promise to try and apply that to my prayers for him). When he prayed over me I remember a few things- he said he loved me, earnestly thanked God for me and prayed that our friendship continue and grow. (THIS WAS SO WEIRD! Was this really that David from high school???) I prayed a very similar prayer, genuinely thanking God for bringing a brother in Christ into my life that I might love and share in this journey with. God knew what he was doing, that's for sure.
When we finished, we hugged and at that moment I felt the chains break free. He felt it, too, I know he did! It was written over both of our faces. As heavily as what they had done to me in the past had beening weighing on my heart, what he had done had been weighing on his. Both of us couldn't press forward because of it. Though I had become unaware of mine to a certain extent, David mentioned the guilt he had over and over. But with this hug we were no longer slaves to those experiences and those feelings. Our spirits, espeically mine, had a large hole mended. I had found reconciliation not only with David, but his friends and a lot of experiences in high school not related to him as well. David forund redemption, not just with me but with everything he was that was not of God.
I experienced, for the first time, what it means to be free in our Christ.
Wow- that was a lot. And as such I will save the other stuff for another post. To me, that