Wow! What a Difference a Phone Call Can Make...
So, there's been a major change in me since talking to Julia last night. I realized a few things about myself and about others. I guess the real change came when I went to bed really upset and apathy (though it was a denied apathy) from an unexpected source really made me question a lot of things. I guess I had it coming because I've been blind. Or maybe it's karma for me being so damn confused about my own feelings and emotions.
I've had something told to me by two separate people that know me best. They've said it on two separate occasions and with two different view points on the entire situation. Both people I have held in high regard when it came to what they think about people because they're usually right, even when I don't want to believe it. Even now I have a hard time believing what they said... partly because it just seems too easy. Easy because everything would make just too much sense. Easy because if I thought they were telling me something they've observed to be correct... I'd have to change a lot about myself that I'm not willing to change.
I had another post up that I took down. I wrote it between two upsetting phone calls, both of which my emotions of confusion, jealousy and anger (towards self) were responded with half-hearted attention and a lack of friendly advice/words. I understand that I have been this way a lot lately and that I might've caused some emotional immunity for the situation... but Julia made me realize something. It had nothing to do with what she said. It had everything to do with what she did. I know we were on the phone, but I still believe actions speak louder than words. I realized that a true friend, one as close to me as I have assumed only two people are, will always care deeply for the way you are feeling and show you unconditional and unending comfort and love when you need it.
I texted her at around 3:45 this morning, teary and unable to sleep, telling her that I was upset but I'd talk to her in the morning. It woke her up which made me feel awful but she told me to call. I did and she just let me tell her everything. She never made me feel bad for feeling the way I felt or thinking the way I think, but in her own way she offered what advice and wisdom she could. She helped me view the situation from an outsider's perspective. She shared with me about a friend in a similar situation who got out of it, with a price, but knew he had to and faced the problems he would encounter. We discussed problems and bumps in our own friendship in the past, how we settled them and how I could try and settle this current situation. I remember we ended up revealing something about our ill-fated romance that neither of us knew and realized just how really unprepared I was for it and I guess how unprepared she was. We've discussed how we've grown since we've known each other, how she knew that I was stronger than all this and how the way I view the world is often at odds with itself to the point that it causes me much internal pain. About an hour later, I began to feel much better about myself and the situation... that I could handle it and get through it. That I have gone through so much pain over the past year and a half that I no longer need to allow emotional baggage to weigh me down. People are either going to bulid me up or tear me down, either meaningfully or by pure nature of their relationship with me. When I begin to fully realize that, I'll be able to live my life better.
After all that, somehow the conversation turned to Harry Potter and we talked for nearly an hour about theories and character relationships and just the sheer brillance of a children's book series that could make us talk as if the characters were living, breathing people. Unfortunately her phone died which was probably a good thing or we would've talked for hours. I rolled over to say my prayers and go to sleep and thought how blessed I am to have her as a friend! Just a few hours ago I had prepared myself to fall asleep in self-doubt, depression and emotional exhaustion. Instead I went to sleep feeling I was ready for anything!
One of the things I've never understood was how when someone knows something would upset you, they tell you anyway. I'll be the first to admit that I can only blame me being upset on myself. People only upset you when you allow them to. But Julia brought up a good point- that if it's clear that my self-doubt, emotional stress and feelings of being ostracized are flared up by a certain subject, why would someone who loves me bring it up day after day, time after time, conversation after conversation? Something other than simple discussion must be going on, even if it isn’t intentional.
I of course woke up this morning feeling nervous, alone and full of self-doubt, but then I started thinking about what Julia and I talked about, the feeling I felt after the conversation. I can’t quite tell you what I’m feeling… I just feel different… like I’m viewing things another way. I’m tired of being told that I haven’t been there in the past only to have a hypocritical action of only half-heartedly listening and understanding to be shown towards me when I really needed someone. I’m tired of being someone used as a convenience. I’m tired of having thoughts like these and then being told that I’ve pretty much been brainwashed by people who want me to think that way, as if I’m not a person that can’t think for themselves. People might say things but only because they are observant. I just realized that I’m going to have to deal with the accusation that these thoughts were placed in my head and I want to just state for the record that if you look back at what I’ve said in the past… I’ve felt these things for before and recently they’ve come to a front.
I know someone very specific will feel upset and hurt by this entry but I haven’t stopped loving them in anyway. This was about me and my struggles and how I’m going to cope with them. I can’t feel this way anymore. I’m tired of it. I truly believe now when I cried out to God for help and forgiveness for my vain and selfish feelings He lead me to Julia and she comforted. I haven’t figured out what the next step is, but I’ve come to understand my feelings better and have become more aware of the things that cause them. I just want things to get better.