(no subject)
I've long suspected that I didn't actually have ADHD. If you have the altered brain chemistry associated with the disease, then Ritalin or it's sister Concerta (methylphenidate) shouldn't do anything but set you back on the right track. If you're wondering why I bothered with the whole name of the drug, just look at the first four letters of it. Meth. That's what it does to someone with normal brain chemistry. In 1999, the second semester of my 8th grade year, they upped my dosage of Ritalin to 40mg once in the morning. I was probably about 5'10-210 at that point, but even that was more than enough to seriously fuck me up. I didn't eat at school, I felt like a zombie, and I just generally felt awful for five days out of the week.
I refused to go on medication ever since. Something in my mind told me that these drugs aren't supposed to do that, but I said nothing because feelings, intuitions, and other such problems just weren't discussed in my family. Janniece thinks that some of the things they put me through are tantamount to emotional abuse, which to this day makes it hard for me to open up, even to Lindsey.
But of all people, my loopy grandmother in Illinois (Dad's mom) thought that some of the exhibited behaviors were more along the lines of autism. Autism is a spectrum that catches a whole lot of behaviors, and there is a subset of it named for the Austrian psychologist who discovered autism independently of the American research a year earlier.
Asperger's syndrome. The first time I heard it was when Dad called Lacee "Dumbass burgers." I didn't know that he was referring to the idea that Janniece and Grandma had about me. The "geek syndrome." A form of autism that accompanies normal-to-above-average intelligence. Not officially recognized by the American Psychological Association's bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Psychological Disorders until 1994's fourth edition (or the DSM-IV, as we hack amateur AP psych kids like to call it).
A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
(1) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction
(2) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
(3) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
(4) lack of social or emotional reciprocity
B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
(1) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
(2) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
(3) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)
(4) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects
C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years).
E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.
F. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.
What does all that mean? Yeah, I would exhibit some behaviors of ADHD, especially some of the AD parts, but that would only be part of the problem, especially since a good 30% of cases are codiagnosed with Asperger's. And if it was a misdiagnosis, especially since the first round of batteries run on me started in 1994, the year it was officially recognized, they never took me back except to change me from Ritalin to Adderall. It's not that I blame them for the misdiagnosis. But I do fault them for not taking me back when the drugs didn't work. All they heard was that I wasn't acting up in class, and they assumed all was well. I tried to tell them I was fucked up, and was summarily told to shut up, go to my room, and actually do my work.
The typical symptoms of Asperger's read like a damned biography: "Limited interests or preoccupation with a subject to the exclusion of other activities (video games and computers)," "repetitive behaviors or rituals (Turning into the apartment when I know I'm headed to the 1128 Sonic from parts east because it's what I do more)," "peculiarities in speech and language (TELL me I don't have that...)," "socially and emotionally inappropriate behavior and interpersonal interaction (If I come off like a prick sometimes, I mean well...)," "problems with nonverbal communication (I can't read people for shit, and have only recently gotten any better about it)," and "clumsy and uncoordinated motor movements (". . . . . .")."
Here's the plan of attack. I'm going to try to get back on Mom's insurance and then go get myself tested. I don't think it would be good to let her know that I'm going to get the tests done, but if they are conclusive, I will. Either way, at long last, I'll know. After all, they didn't mention my super-fucking-genius IQ until I was 17. Didn't mention the depression diagnosis until I was 21. Hell, aside from this idea, I might never know if this is the truth. It makes sense to me, and I want to do this so I can get some closure.
Everything is pretty good otherwise. I'm gonna move to get to work to Janniece and Lindsey so we can get a few hours in before hitting the road. Phone is back up, if you ever knew it was down. Gimme a call sometime, we can do something. As if I have shit else better to do. ^_^
I refused to go on medication ever since. Something in my mind told me that these drugs aren't supposed to do that, but I said nothing because feelings, intuitions, and other such problems just weren't discussed in my family. Janniece thinks that some of the things they put me through are tantamount to emotional abuse, which to this day makes it hard for me to open up, even to Lindsey.
But of all people, my loopy grandmother in Illinois (Dad's mom) thought that some of the exhibited behaviors were more along the lines of autism. Autism is a spectrum that catches a whole lot of behaviors, and there is a subset of it named for the Austrian psychologist who discovered autism independently of the American research a year earlier.
Asperger's syndrome. The first time I heard it was when Dad called Lacee "Dumbass burgers." I didn't know that he was referring to the idea that Janniece and Grandma had about me. The "geek syndrome." A form of autism that accompanies normal-to-above-average intelligence. Not officially recognized by the American Psychological Association's bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Psychological Disorders until 1994's fourth edition (or the DSM-IV, as we hack amateur AP psych kids like to call it).
A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
(1) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction
(2) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
(3) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
(4) lack of social or emotional reciprocity
B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
(1) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
(2) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
(3) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)
(4) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects
C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years).
E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.
F. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.
What does all that mean? Yeah, I would exhibit some behaviors of ADHD, especially some of the AD parts, but that would only be part of the problem, especially since a good 30% of cases are codiagnosed with Asperger's. And if it was a misdiagnosis, especially since the first round of batteries run on me started in 1994, the year it was officially recognized, they never took me back except to change me from Ritalin to Adderall. It's not that I blame them for the misdiagnosis. But I do fault them for not taking me back when the drugs didn't work. All they heard was that I wasn't acting up in class, and they assumed all was well. I tried to tell them I was fucked up, and was summarily told to shut up, go to my room, and actually do my work.
The typical symptoms of Asperger's read like a damned biography: "Limited interests or preoccupation with a subject to the exclusion of other activities (video games and computers)," "repetitive behaviors or rituals (Turning into the apartment when I know I'm headed to the 1128 Sonic from parts east because it's what I do more)," "peculiarities in speech and language (TELL me I don't have that...)," "socially and emotionally inappropriate behavior and interpersonal interaction (If I come off like a prick sometimes, I mean well...)," "problems with nonverbal communication (I can't read people for shit, and have only recently gotten any better about it)," and "clumsy and uncoordinated motor movements (". . . . . .")."
Here's the plan of attack. I'm going to try to get back on Mom's insurance and then go get myself tested. I don't think it would be good to let her know that I'm going to get the tests done, but if they are conclusive, I will. Either way, at long last, I'll know. After all, they didn't mention my super-fucking-genius IQ until I was 17. Didn't mention the depression diagnosis until I was 21. Hell, aside from this idea, I might never know if this is the truth. It makes sense to me, and I want to do this so I can get some closure.
Everything is pretty good otherwise. I'm gonna move to get to work to Janniece and Lindsey so we can get a few hours in before hitting the road. Phone is back up, if you ever knew it was down. Gimme a call sometime, we can do something. As if I have shit else better to do. ^_^