re-calibrate.
the guilt is easy.
its our fall back and our excuse.
"well, im just a shitty dude. i told you from the beginning."
these words have fallen from my lips more than i would care to admit. somewhere along the line this self-deprecation role we play, perpetuated by the music and rockstars we look up to, became commonplace and it became just one more excuse to add to our collection of, "oh, i cant do that because im a ____"
social awkwardness and our inability to articulate our feelings to our best friends. how many times have you, yourself been with what you refer to as "the greatest people in the world" and not had the balls to speak your mind?
the social circles you refer to as your "best friends" should be just that. they should be your rock and confidant. "they" more than anyone, should understand.
if not, maybe you need to get new friends.
but thats not what this is about.
this is about the easy way out. this is about how when called upon to be a real friend, a real genuine solid motherfucker we fail.
there are 3 types of people in this world:
1. genuinely good people who do occasionally do bad things.
2. genuinely bad people who occasionally do good things.
3. genuine people who know that you cant categorize the world into 3 groups.
we have all failed. as have i.
i have failed me.
by not using more of my opportunities to make a better life for me and those i love.
i have failed my family.
by selfishly taking year after year and not realizing or appreciating the time, love, tears and effort it took to make me the person i am today.
i have failed my friends.
by not living up to my words about standing by them in their times of need and giving up on them.
i have failed the lurkers.
by taking advantage of your loyalty (but know that as fucked up as it sounds, it was always meant to challenge).
i have failed the world, the future and the generations to come.
by not fighting against ignorance every chance i got, by letting the hatred of racism, sexism and homophobia go unchallenged, by not using the resources i have to educate, by not using my time more efficiently and by not giving people the real chris the moment they sit across from me.
and i have failed each and every person i have ever felt an ounce of love for by not expressing myself with the passion and intensity with which they have deserved.
but what i do have is daylight and ambition.
i have a limited amount of days left in this soiled diaper of a life...and sure, its shitty but guess what? its fucking mine and its all i got.
so from this day forward i will apologize, i will make right, i will keep swinging for the fences and i will make more of an attempt to use this dirty and broken machine of an old boy.
despite the damage bad friends, open handed slaps and shitty parenting skills, uneducated teachers, misguided spiritual leaders, sexual abuse of treacherous adults and disappointing idols have done...
i will not give up. on you. on them or on me.
it is my promise to you.
and i will not sit back and let these "excuses" determine the course of MY life, nor will i let the actions of a few shitty people smudge my mirror.
so its time to let go.
its time to wash up, push myself away from the dinner table of a lifetime of misconduct and shame, wipe my mouth and say 'good day'.
because i have some catching up to do.
and while i am juvenile, egotistical, over the top and villainous...
i am yours.
and to you...i will give you everything i have and i will continue to give you my heart on this stupid livejournal.
while you leave your criticisms, back handed compliments and fuming words...
remember, its my heart i put up here as a target.
(and yes, i have read each and every last comment you have ever left)
so keep taking your shots.
but just remember, im on your team.
i always have been.
-christopher.
its our fall back and our excuse.
"well, im just a shitty dude. i told you from the beginning."
these words have fallen from my lips more than i would care to admit. somewhere along the line this self-deprecation role we play, perpetuated by the music and rockstars we look up to, became commonplace and it became just one more excuse to add to our collection of, "oh, i cant do that because im a ____"
social awkwardness and our inability to articulate our feelings to our best friends. how many times have you, yourself been with what you refer to as "the greatest people in the world" and not had the balls to speak your mind?
the social circles you refer to as your "best friends" should be just that. they should be your rock and confidant. "they" more than anyone, should understand.
if not, maybe you need to get new friends.
but thats not what this is about.
this is about the easy way out. this is about how when called upon to be a real friend, a real genuine solid motherfucker we fail.
there are 3 types of people in this world:
1. genuinely good people who do occasionally do bad things.
2. genuinely bad people who occasionally do good things.
3. genuine people who know that you cant categorize the world into 3 groups.
we have all failed. as have i.
i have failed me.
by not using more of my opportunities to make a better life for me and those i love.
i have failed my family.
by selfishly taking year after year and not realizing or appreciating the time, love, tears and effort it took to make me the person i am today.
i have failed my friends.
by not living up to my words about standing by them in their times of need and giving up on them.
i have failed the lurkers.
by taking advantage of your loyalty (but know that as fucked up as it sounds, it was always meant to challenge).
i have failed the world, the future and the generations to come.
by not fighting against ignorance every chance i got, by letting the hatred of racism, sexism and homophobia go unchallenged, by not using the resources i have to educate, by not using my time more efficiently and by not giving people the real chris the moment they sit across from me.
and i have failed each and every person i have ever felt an ounce of love for by not expressing myself with the passion and intensity with which they have deserved.
but what i do have is daylight and ambition.
i have a limited amount of days left in this soiled diaper of a life...and sure, its shitty but guess what? its fucking mine and its all i got.
so from this day forward i will apologize, i will make right, i will keep swinging for the fences and i will make more of an attempt to use this dirty and broken machine of an old boy.
despite the damage bad friends, open handed slaps and shitty parenting skills, uneducated teachers, misguided spiritual leaders, sexual abuse of treacherous adults and disappointing idols have done...
i will not give up. on you. on them or on me.
it is my promise to you.
and i will not sit back and let these "excuses" determine the course of MY life, nor will i let the actions of a few shitty people smudge my mirror.
so its time to let go.
its time to wash up, push myself away from the dinner table of a lifetime of misconduct and shame, wipe my mouth and say 'good day'.
because i have some catching up to do.
and while i am juvenile, egotistical, over the top and villainous...
i am yours.
and to you...i will give you everything i have and i will continue to give you my heart on this stupid livejournal.
while you leave your criticisms, back handed compliments and fuming words...
remember, its my heart i put up here as a target.
(and yes, i have read each and every last comment you have ever left)
so keep taking your shots.
but just remember, im on your team.
i always have been.
-christopher.