Shout My Name (at heaven's gate) J2, R, part 18?
Title: Shout My Name (at heaven's gate) J2, R, part 18?
Pairings/Characters: Jared/Jensen
Author: roxymissrose
Rating: R
Word Count: 7334
Summary: Anno Domini 1951, fifty years after the failed Fertility experiments, the world still deals (somewhat successfully) with the mutations the experiments brought. With the advent of successful mechanical wombs, and a resurgence of female fertility, Carriers finally won full civil rights, and a new type slavery was abolished. Still, in many small towns and rural parts of America, in isolated communities, carriers were still viewed with suspicion, distaste, or horror.
This is the world Jared finds himself having to navigate.
Story at AO3
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Dear Mr. Jim Beaver,
I hope this letter finds you well! This month's payment is little larger than prior payments as I now have another job! The extra money helps to pay for the new apartment I told you about. Mr. Jim, it's a wonderful place-a real blessing. I have a bedroom big enough to hold a bed and a desk, a private bathroom, and doors to shut and my very own kitchen to cook in. There's nothing like fixing a breakfast that you actually want to eat, and being able to eat it in silence and peace. With spring leaning hard on summer now, I can open my bedroom and my kitchen windows and the warm breeze blows right through, and carries nothing but the sound of the street below my window and the scent of the flowers the landlady grows in the garden. It's so nice, Mr. Jim.
This warmer weather brings comfort, but also reminds me of less pleasant things, such as the fact that June is bearing down on me like a bull with a bee-sting nose; I'll have to make decisions about my future, and I'm just not ready. I'm still trying to decide between punishment or freedom and hoping that referring to it as such isn't further sin. Life is so complicated these days; sometimes I find myself wishing that I was still home and able to call on the elders for advice, but then I remember that the last time I received advice from the elders, it was to condemn me to wander alone and unprepared in a winter wood until I died.
I'm sorry
I'm
that was spiteful of m
Mr. Jim, I pondered tearing up this letter, but you're the only one I can say anything to, and not have to suffer well-meaning advice, or worse, sympathy. I trust that you won't mind if I give in to bitterness from time to time.
Speaking of a complicated life, I ran into someone recently who knew the old me-only slightly, but enough that it has sent my thoughts into a spiral of unhappiness, as you may notice. I'm missing my home, or perhaps missing my life when it was simple and I thought everything was well. I have to keep reminding myself that Elder Padalecki drove me out of their lives himself, and that no one wondered if I lived or died.
Mr. Jim, I'm so sorry. How about I share what is good now in my life?
As I said, my apartment really is a blessing. I love having a shower and tub and not having to waddle down a hallway, dripping wet, in my ugly old robe. I can use as much hot water as I like, though I find if I want to feel good after bathing, lukewarm water it is. And here I'll stop sharing things that are entirely odd cat too personal things with you!
The apartment also has a garden the residents share, there's a picnic table and a grill that no one has used yet. There's also a very odd cat who I think might live here. Somewhere. It stalks me from time to time. It never speaks or comes close, but it watches everything I do. It's really very funny. I like sitting in the garden watching The Cat watch me. That's The Cat I've drawn on the sides of this letter.
Yesterday, I made chicken soup using ingredients I bought myself at the extra job which is a grocery. I bought a cookbook at one of the stalls and it's been such a useful thing, The Women's Home Companion, and it's full of wonderful pictures of so many foods I'll never cook. I confess, I'm not at all a chef, not by far. But it's been fun trying and the book has so much information! I can say with great confidence, if the need arises, I can set a table perfectly. And that's my good news. *laughing*
Until next time, your very good friend, Jay
Jared folded the pages into an envelope...he hesitated a moment, and then, shrugged, drew The Cat peering at the world from one corner. He licked a stamp and pressed it to the envelope. "There."
Feeling accomplished, he moved to the open window with his journal. It felt good; warm air tickled his neck, his cheek. Jared smiled to himself, smoothing the page he'd opened to. He'd been working on the current page, on and off, a mix of words and little sketches. Thoughts regarding his current life, little observations about the diner customers, the food, funny moments...it helped settle him, especially nowadays, the way his emotions ambushed him, made him feel like he was sitting in a gray boat on a gray lake with no shore in sight...he sighed and tapped the page with the pencil.
A bell ringing frantically in the street below pulled Jared out of his funk and directed his attention outside.
A young bike messenger made a dramatic stop at the curb, tires screeching as she applied the brakes, and then hopped off to hand Mrs. Kawa an envelope. Jared smiled at the cocky way she tipped her cap back, wiping her sweaty forehead against her sleeve, and not being subtle in the least about waiting for a tip, which she finally did get. She grinned wide at an unimpressed Mrs. Kawa before leaping on her bike and speeding off again.
Jared closed his journal, trapping his pencil between the pages, and leaned on his windowsill, to better see Mrs. Kawa. She was frowning, eyeing the slim brown envelope she held like it might just explode. Jared's chest pinched. He hoped she wasn't receiving bad news. She opened it, and Jared felt a brief lick of relief at the smile that lit her face. She read it quickly, nodded sharply, then folded the letter back into the envelope.
Jared watched her come away from the curb-flailed back from the window when suddenly she stopped and looked right into his eyes, before walking out of sight. He slid down his chair, squeaking out an embarrassed laugh at being caught-served him right for being a nosy parker.
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The swish-swish of the broom against the pavement was almost hypnotic-so was the sweeping motion. Between the warmth of the sun beating down on him and the weirdly soothing sound of the straw broom on the sidewalk, Jared was almost asleep on his feet. Filled with a sense of contentment, however fleeting, he began humming quietly to himself, "I don't want to set the world, on fire…"
The darn song absolutely would not leave him alone, and he blamed it on Candy for singing it at him constantly. He laughed to himself, and sang on, quietly, under his breath. As he did, he thought about school in an idle way, wondering what steps, if any, to take after graduating secondary, tinkering with the idea of going on in his education, or whether he should stay at the diner where it was safe, and more or less comfortable….
Blinking back to the here and now, he snagged the tail-end of one of those errant thoughts. Maybe he should talk to Mrs. Stern about what choices were open to him, concerning his education. Back in Mountain Grove, he would already have reached the highest point he could, education-wise, and would be deciding whether to stay home or go on to a boarding school in the Outside, something he might have done as a teacher, maybe for a year or two.
Jared swung the broom around in a wide arc, not really paying attention to what he was doing-making more of a show of cleaning instead of actually cleaning. Last night had been a rough one as far as sleep went; Thing had done its level best to keep him from sleeping, or being comfortable at all, punching and kicking him all night long. At least the god-awful tea Mrs. Kawa insisted on bringing him daily helped to relax him somewhat.
He stopped, leaned on the broom, squinting in thought. Hmmm. Could be it was all in his head, she was yenza after all. They were awfully good at spells, but also good at knowing just what string to pull when you needed knots in your brain untangled. At least, that's what his mo-the old women used to say. Headology. Certainly the evil smirk Mrs. Kawa wore every time she dropped off a cup made it easy to believe she was yanking at some string.
He refused to admit that a tiny part of him was somewhat pleased by her attention.
Jared shook his head, took a deep breath and gave the broom a hearty swing-felt the impact before he saw just what-or who-he'd whacked.
"Yowch!"
Face blazing with embarrassment, Jared dropped the broom and reached out for the poor person he'd assaulted. "Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, are you okay? I wasn't paying attention-"
"No, no, it's okay, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, either." The person he'd hit smiled at him, even though he'd cocked his leg to rest his ankle on the opposite knee, and was steadily rubbing at it, rubbing and grinning at Jared, blinding Jared with a beautiful smile, and sparkling eyes. Jared wasn't looking at that though.
Sugar- The face, the voice, the eyes; it was definitely him. Again. Jack. Jensen. Whatever begus thing he called himself. He'd been hoping not to have to deal with him right now, or ever-Jared whirled around and scooted quickly as he could back into the diner, letting the door slam behind him in his rush. He scuttled behind the counter, and hoped like heck Jensen wouldn't come after. He wouldn't follow would he? He wouldn't. Oh, he hoped he wouldn't. Jared made his way up and down the counter, shakily refilling mugs for their regulars, giving out smiles that probably looked more like grimaces because the Lord knew they felt like something horrible on his face.
The bell jangled and the door pushed open and of course Jack was standing in the doorway, the absolute picture of irritation; his head thrust forward, his hands planted on his hips, feet wide-planted. He was frowning, not the slightest hint of that beautiful smile in the thinned curve of his mouth, no smile in his voice, and it was weird that Jared could hear the absence of it, considering that he barely knew the man. "Hey! You always slam the door in your customers' faces?" he barked.
The regulars turned towards the doorway. They saw a red-faced boy directing a scowl at Jared, while growling at him in a very rude tone of voice. At the rear of the diner, sitting at the table that they'd staked a lifetime claim on, Ralph and Carl swiveled to face the stranger, glaring at the intrusion. The boy didn't seem to notice. Stepping into the doorway, waving at Jared as if there was a chance he might be unaware that Jack wanted to talk to him, he called out, "Come on...you're still not going to speak to me, Jared?"
"My name is Jay," Jared growled, "and we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. Get out."
"What?" Jack's eyes went wide, and round. "You can't throw me out for no reason. This is a public place!"
The diner went quiet; even the clack-crash of crockery from the kitchen died down. Everyone's attention was trained on them-Jared could feel his face heat with embarrassment. Jack was being stubborn and loud, so Jared reached out to his secret weapons. He called out to Carl and Ralph, who were beginning to push back from their tables. "Guys-this person is bothering me."
The two of them cleared their chairs and moved as one up the aisle. Jared smirked as Jack's face fell and he began shifting in the doorway. Carl and Ralph looked like moving walls of muscle, barreling down on Jack. Jack backpedaled, obviously no fool. He smiled weakly, trying to look inoffensive as he searched behind him for the door handle-Jared felt a tiny twinge of sympathy for him. He didn't really deserve the negative attention, it was just...Jared just couldn't talk to him, not now, maybe not ever.
"Look, whatever the problem is, we can work it out, right? Jar-Jay?" Jack called out, trying to catch Jared's eyes over Ralph's shoulder. "Just tell me what I did and we'll talk it out. Or, y'know, I can just leave," Jack said quickly when Ralph took another step towards him. He wheeled around and pushed out the door. The minute the door closed behind him, righteous anger rushed out of Jared; an achy sadness flooded him instead.
Seconds later, Addie appeared at his side. She coaxed Jared to sit-sitting across from him, she took his hands. Jared was shocked to note that they were shaking so that he couldn't squeeze her hands back.
"Jared, what's-" she began, then froze. Her eyes went wide, and she whispered "Oh!" Some sort of realization flashed in her eyes. She pulled Jared into ta hug before asking, "Jay...was that...was that him?"
Caught out, sailing through another one of his sudden emotional squalls, he pushed back from her, needing breathing space. He managed a trembling, "Yes," before choking off a sob, wiping his arm across his face. He was sweating, and holerah, was he crying? Whatever for-?
Ralph and Carl, plus a few other regulars surged towards the door again. "We're going to hunt that fucker down, and kill him-slow," Ralph growled, "Damn it, Jay, you shoulda said when he first stepped in. We'd never let him get away."
"What?" Jared gulped, and jerked his head up. "Kill him? No-oh! No, no, he's not...he didn't...he, he's not the guy..." He stuttered to a stop. "Not the one. He was there, though, when. When it happened."
"'When it happened'?" Addie eyed Jared, and tucked her receipt book back into her apron."After work, you and I need to talk." She reached out and cupped his cheek. "Okay?"
"Well…" Jared hesitated, his thoughts scurrying madly in circles-did he want to talk? Could he tell anyone? Could he live with his friends knowing everything, because as much as he loved her, he knew Addie probably wouldn't keep what he told her to herself. She'd tell Candy, and Lando, and...and he realized he didn't care. He kind of welcomed the idea that all those awful secrets he hadn't even told Mr. Jim Beaver would be out and done with and, maybe with the weight of those secrets lessened, he'd feel lighter in his spirit. These were his friends, they weren't going to hurt him. And even if somehow they did...he had practice in surviving that, didn't he? He raised his head and told Addie that, "Yes, I think it's something I need to do."
Jared met Addie after his shift at the grocery; they took the trolley together back to his apartment. She made approving noises at how he'd brightened up the new place as Jared made tea for the both of them. She admired a little print Jared had hung in the kitchen, something he'd done playing with colored pencils and ink-a winged calico cat chasing little birds through a green sky. She liked it so much Jared made a mental note to gift it to her.
He could tell Addie was really concerned-she was nearly as chatty as Candy, keeping up a non-stop flow of words while she emptied a bag bulging with enough food to feed a small army: work, the weather, how the Interconnect cafe they favored had added a new flavor to the ice-creams this season, the current movie playing at The Bijou and how it was just the best-Singing In The Rain, and they really should go-
Jared let her chirpy stream of blather float right over him as he stared at the wrapped sandwiches, the mounds of fried, sliced potatoes, a pair of the bright green, garlicky dill pickles he'd fallen in love with lately. The sight of it all made his insides roll unpleasantly. He gulped. "I don't think I can eat. My - my stomach is in knots."
"Oh, Jay, if you're worried about what to say or what I might think, well, don't. I've lived in Nice all my life, and there are a million stories out there, and I've heard a ton of them. Sure, the State says we're all equal: men, women, carriers, that race and religious beliefs aren't important, and who we love means nothing-but real life?" She shrugged. "It's different when it's not words read to us on Freedom Day; all I can say is we're all still working towards that."
"I'm not worried you'd judge me, not really. And even though it's tied up with being a carrier, there's more to the story than that." Jared sighed deeply; he pulled his hair back, twisted it into a little knot, undid it, twisted it again before anxiously raking his fingers through it, and finally dropping his hands to the table. Snagging a sweet roll from the bag, he plucked and picked at it with nervous fingers as he talked.
"I haven't talked about what happened since it happened, not the whole story-about what went on the night my whole life disappeared. The boy at the diner today, his name is Jack, and I met him last October on my Runround-do you know what that means?" She nodded, and he went on. "My reaction to him made you all think he was the problem, but you know, I actually think he's a nice guy. I remember him trying to help me; I think he suspected something bad had happened even though I didn't say. Couldn't say. At the time, my brother thought I was drunk which was bad on its own. When they found out I was, that I had...been with a boy, my family blamed me for this, this steaming pile of gobnaw." Jared stared at the pile of crumbs in front of him. Addie, her lunch forgotten, sat quietly waiting for Jared to speak again.
"Runround was supposed to help me decide whether I wanted to choose Family in all ways. I wanted Home, I thought it was the right thing to choose. I'd already made up my mind, planned my future. I was just going through the motions before saying yes, because you know, that's what one does." He laughed sadly. "And then, the bottom dropped out of my world."
Addie slid her chair closer, taking Jared's trembling hand in a loose grip-just letting him know she was there in whatever way he wanted her to be.
A tear rolled down his cheek. He scrubbed it away before beginning to share the trail of events that landed him alone in Nice. How Runround had been a camping trip with Outsider boys and girls, and that night, he'd gotten drunk for the first time in his life. He told Addie that he'd found the boys attractive, much more so than the girls, and a pretty boy named Riley most of all. Realized that that deep down he'd always known it was boys, not girls for him. What with being tipsy-well, smashed, really-he'd been open to kissing Riley, but Riley had changed, going from sweet to...mean. Hurtful. He'd been unable to stop what was happening partly because he really hadn't been sure what Riley was doing until he did it. And how it hurt him.
"He just pushed, and pushed, and took; I didn't know what was happening to me. I didn't know about myself being a carrier then. That came later. I just thought that, well, that I'd committed a sin by having sex with that boy." He looked up at her, the world blurring with tears he tried to hold back. "I was so scared."
Addie wiped her eyes and nodded, murmured something Jared didn't catch, but he went on, afraid that if he stopped he'd never finish, and he wanted to finish. "I passed out afterwards, and woke up...oh Lord in heaven. I woke up in Jack's tent, the boy at the diner. I guess...I was drunk and I suppose some part of my brain decided that crawling into his tent was a good idea." Jared blushed a hot red, put his hands over his face, queasy with embarrassment. He mumbled, "Jack tried to help me. He asked if I was okay. He was kind to me; at least he was the only one who wasn't mad at me, or laughed at me. I guess I forgot about that part after everything that happened."
Addie took it all in quietly, her face set and serious. When Jared paused, she asked "Are you embarrassed to see him? Because he knows?" she asked.
Jared thought about that. "Maybe. Yes, maybe. I had no idea what I was doing, or what it would mean afterward. Jack seemed like the only person who was worried about me. I'd rather have been with him. Oh my Lord, I'm such a terrible person," Jared cried. "How could I wish such a thing?"
"Jared…" Addie sighed and threw an arm around his shoulders. "Terrible is the very last thing you are. Now, you've already run into him twice, odds are you'll see him again. If he was as nice as you claim, maybe you should talk to him. But if you don't want to, you don't have to deal with him at all. The boys will make sure of that."
He nodded, turning the thought over in his head. Was there a point in talking to Jack? Jensen? Despite the awful things that had happened to him that night, Jared knew that Jack was a kind person, he could feel it. Out of everyone there that night, he'd been the only one who showed honest concern.
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Sunday, a day Jared was still getting used to not spending the whole of in church, was being spent sitting in Mrs. Kawa's garden. At the moment, he was busy making faces at The Cat that he was still not sure lived there. He held one of his journals open on his lap-what there was of it-and whenever the cat ignored him, he'd write down snippets of whatever floated through his head: poetry, observations and thoughts about the diner, the city, what he was feeling about life in general. There were doodles in the corners, of birds, flowers, cats...he smiled at the weird little thing peering at him, before it whisked away under the bushes and off to who knows where.
A metallic screech made him jump, he looked over to the side of the yard just as Mrs Kawa was shutting the small gate that separated her private garden from the tenants' space. She carried an umbrella and a stand for it, dropping it at Jared's chair side. She opened the large, colorful umbrella and jabbed the pointed end of it into the stand, like she was going for it's heart, Jared thought.
When she had it settled to her satisfaction, she dragged another chair over to the spot Jared sat, and plopped down on it. She snapped, "Whatever makes you sit out here in the sun, wearing short sleeves?"
"Because...it's warm?" Jared replied, confused by her question.
Mrs. Kawa snorted, an impressive volume of noise. "Too much sun is no good for you."
"That might be, but I've had enough darkness," he snapped, and bit his lip. He felt a mix of regret and embarrassment for being so rude. And maybe a lick of fear-yenza, after all.
Her eyebrows raised, at his tone, but she only nodded. When Mrs. Kawa spoke again, the conversation took a completely different tack. "My other border returns this week, so the house might not be as quiet as it's been. He's not very loud, but." She shrugged, as though Jared knew exactly what she meant. "He's a teacher. Sometimes he has students in the garden. He's very polite, you two should get along. If you meet."
"Oh, a teacher?" Jared said. "There was a time I thought I was going to be a teacher one day."
"Do you like children?" she asked, and that surprised Jared. Most people just assumed that of course he did, what with being pregnant and all. He took a moment before answering.
"I don't dislike children. Becoming a teacher was my best choice of occupation, really. My family made a living from the land, and I was not suited to farming, and my skills didn't run towards carpentry. My...my father was skilled there, though the land was his primary concern. His eldest son was a farmer as well…" Jared blinked hard. "Being a teacher would have been acceptable to him. But now," he forced a smile and shrugged. "I don't know what the future will bring."
"Being a parent is a hard job-it won't be easy doing it alone."
"I'm not sure I'm going to be a parent."
Mrs. Kawa inhaled sharply and leaned back in her chair. "I see." She stood, and smoothed down the apron she wore over her dress. "Well, it's time I get to cleaning up the apartment. Put a little Coppertone on that skin. You might be used to the sun loving you, but the skin changes when you're pregnant."
Jared watched her leave. She was a puzzle. Was she repulsed because he didn't want to be a parent? She seemed more...surprised instead of judgmental. She was a weird old bird-witches went their own way, though, and no one could say what they were thinking.
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A van pulled up as Jared was about to cross the street to his apartment building, making him pull up short. The sharp movement laced a quick stab of pain though his hip bones, just another source of irritation, like the darn bag of begus oranges banging annoyingly against his knees due to his sway-backed walk. He swore, it felt like everything from his shoulders down to his hips was killing him.
Jared crossed the street and nearly lost the darn bag, he was that startled by a man in dusty overalls jumping out of the back of the van. The man didn't spare a second to look his way, he quickly began unloading a couple of large boxes, along with a rusty old bicycle.
Mrs Kawa came hurrying past Jared. "Be careful," she shouted when one of the boxes nearly tipped over. "I swear, how you continue to get business, ham-handed thing that you are…" She signed for them while the man stood by, grinning-totally ignoring the huffs and glares she directed at him.
Jared reluctantly turned away from the minor drama and headed towards the stairs, once again having to avoid the man as he hauled a box bigger than he was up the same stairs, like some sort of ant...man, or something. Rude, and annoying.
He was just letting himself inside his apartment when the man hustled past him and out. So, he was delivering for the new tenant, or not-so-new tenant, Jared supposed. After showering off the smell of 'Just Like Ma's Fried Chicken' day, he threw on a shirt and a pair of loose pants, pushed his very grateful feet into his fuzzy cow slippers, grabbed a pillow and headed off to sit in the garden with his bag of oranges.
He settled on one of the chairs, pillow supporting his back and peeled oranges, one after the other. They were so good, sweet, tart, and juicy-and since he couldn't bear the thought of eating anything else, this evening, they were his dinner. He was enjoying one and thinking of getting a cup of tea when the van man flew through Mrs. Kawa's gate, carrying a rug. Jared could hear Mrs. Kawa calling out-
"Don't make a mess of this job, you hear!"
Jared could see the man's eyes roll from where he sat; he flung the rug over the clothesline so hard the rug made a clapping sound. He then whaled away at it enthusiastically with a wicker carpet beater. His bright smile made Jared snort. He had an inkling as to what the man was thinking while he whacked the carpet.
Jared picked at his orange, listening to the thump-thump-thump of the beater hitting the rug...a wave of loss rushed through him. The sound of the beater, the quiet grunts of effort, reminded Jared of spring cleaning and his mother and sister airing the rugs. He could see her clearly; her face red with effort but smiling at his sister, the two of them laughing at some joke. His mother tucking wispy strands of silver hair back into the crown of braids she wore every day whenever they took a break….
A young girl suddenly appeared at the gate, calling out to the van man. "Come on then, Aunt Ruta says it's lunch time, and then we've got to get to the windows!"
The van man yanked the rug off the clothesline and quickly rolled it up before throwing it across his shoulder. He turned, and seeing Jared, jumped as if it was the first time he'd noticed him. The man snorted and muttered, just loud enough for Jared to hear, "Pity you living with Ruta, She's a busybody and a nag, that one."
Jared started at him open-mouthed-how dare he say something like that about a yenza-and out loud, for goodness sake!
The man laughed at Jared's expression, and winked. "I can say what I like 'cause she's my sister," he chuckled and Jared laughed too, glad to be distracted from memories.
=+=
After what passed for dinner, Jared decided to take a walk in the park, check to see what was blooming, and people-watch. Outsiders were still fascinating to him after all these months. He'd pulled his too-long hair back to let what breeze there was cool his neck, thinking he really ought to cut it. Getting up every morning to comb through tangles, then braiding it, or twisting it into a bun was becoming a real chore nowadays. As soon as he bought a pair of scissors, and he had enough time, he was going to chop it off onto a proper haircut again.
Strolling slowly along the outer edge of the park, he plucked a leaf here and there from the bushes that lined the walks, rubbing some between his fingers to release their oils.He loved the scent on his skin, loved the warmth the sun, loved walking on a good day, when his feet and back and hips agreed it was a good thing to do. He'd practically had to force his friends to let him walk out by himself. He had a whole two months to go and they were acting like...well. Acting like he was a high-risk pregnancy who shouldn't be doing as much as he did. He huffed. Dr Adler had already asked him to consider taking a leave of absence, just to be safe, but he felt fine. Really, he did.
Mostly.
Peanuts...logically, he was going to have to take her advice. He understood how dangerous it could be, and understood that a lot of the pain he was feeling wasn't just the normal pain of physical changes. If the baby had...problems...because he wasn't taking proper care of himself, he was sure he'd be committing a sin as great, maybe greater, than his original sin.
Jared walked most of the way around the small park, then taking his doctor's advice, sat to take a break. He was comfortably parked on a bench, eating a delicious strawberry ice-cream, when footsteps in the gravel distracted him from the frozen berry he was trying to worry out of the ice-cream, while also avoiding getting ice-cream on the end of his nose.
He was just reaching up to rub his nose clean, when-
Oh for…. Jared smelled him before he saw him, and then was peeved that he recognized that scent after only having been close to him once. Twice. Begus!
"Jared...Jay...hi."
"Jack," Jared sighed, and shook his head. Well, he might as well speak to the man; Jared had the feeling that the giant city of Nice had suddenly become village-sized, as far as his desire to avoid Jack went. He scooted a bit so that Jack could sit if he chose, which he did. Jack quietly for a few seconds, running his fingers over the back of his neck, along his chin, wiping over his mouth before finally letting out a tiny sigh.
"What is it that you want, Jack? Why are you here?" Jared said, struggling, probably not very successfully, to keep the irritation out of his voice.
"Jared, Jay, could I ask-I mean, well, here's the thing-Jensen really is my name. Jack, that's what the people you met before called me. I'm not crazy about the name, though I guess it is better than Jen, I mean I really hate Jen, too...aaand you don't care about all that. Sorry."
Kind of tickled despite himself at Jack--Jensen's nervous babbling, Jared turned slightly towards him, and bit his lip. Holerah. Why did the man have to be so darn good-looking? His thick crown of sun-streaked brown hair, the straight slope of his nose, perfect as a Greek statue, leading to the plush curve of his rose-tinted lips, the sharp cut of his chin which offset his lashes, long and thick as a girl's; it was ridiculous just how gorgeous he was. Oh, and then the way everything was dusted with the most beautiful little flecks of copper everywhere...how was Jared supposed to just sit next to him and breathe like everything was normal?
Jared gulped. This beautiful boy wasn't just a soldier-he was a knight of King Arthur's court brought to life. Lancelot, regal and, and, just too perfect. He pinched himself hard, trying to rein in his ridiculous thoughts. "Then Jensen it is." Of course his name was Jensen, exotic and fit for a knight. Still- "Why are you following me, Jensen?"
"Because I saw you and I know you, and. Well. You're a carrier, and that means...probably means...it's the reason you're here in Nice of all places, Jared. Jay, I mean. I'm sorry," Jensen said, shaking his head. "I've been messing this up from the start. Jared...can I help?"
Jared wanted to scream when his crazy hormones made his eyes tear up instantly. He swallowed around what felt like a flaming coal stuck in his throat.
"Oh, god, Jay, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Can I get you something-water, a coffee?"
"Thank you, Jensen, I'm not supposed to have coffee, which is completely begus." He raised his eyes to Jensen's and said,"A medium one, with extra milk and three sugars, and a little hazelnut-flavored syrup please? And you can call me Jared, I suppose."
"Begus?" Jensen looked confused for a moment, then snickered, "Do you mean bogus?" Jensen rubbed his lip,obviously trying not to laugh out loud, his eyes sparkling like Jared had done something adorable, which was no end of irritating. Jared was not adorable, or dumb, and he just really felt like poking Jensen right in his stupidly beautiful eye.
Jensen reached across the small space and gently prodded Jared's shoulder, totally unaware of the danger his eyeball was in. "Well, Jared, not to worry. You're certainly not drinking coffee, that's for sure. Not with three sugars plus syrup. Like my uncle always says, 'coffee isn't coffee unless it's black and sugar free. Anything else is a kid's drink'," he said gruffly, full of mock severity. He blushed bright red and smiled when Jared's mouth betrayed him and let loose the laugh he tried to smother.
=+=
Jared sipped the coffee and let Jensen walk with him, another circle around the tiny park, a little slower this turn. Jensen asked him a lot of questions, nothing that felt too intrusive, just the usual getting-to-know-you questions; how Jared was adjusting to city life, his jobs; he was very interested in Jared's schooling as well.
"I can help sometimes, you know. I'm a teacher. Well, not quite yet, it's been a while since I've been in a classroom, actually. I've applied to teach first levels at a school in Nice city center, though. I'm confident I'll be employed before the end of the summer."
A teacher? Jared's heart dropped. "Oh, really?" Suddenly, Jared had a very bad feeling. He squashed it down. After all, the city had to be chock full of teachers.
"Yep. I did my year service, which means I've got preference when it comes to being hired. I was an assistant before I left, and finished classes while in service. I love kids," he smiled at Jared, his green eyes sweeping him up and down, smile growing. Jared's heart sank a bit more. "There's something so great about watching kids learn, they're so eager, open to everything-I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Stop me whenever."
Jared looked down into his cup, trying to keep a smile on his own face. "My family used to beg me to stop talking. Make a joke about how I could babble on and on..." He stopped, broadsided with another unwelcome wave of emotion. "I don't talk much anymore."
"Oh, Jared…" Jensen laid a tentative hand on Jared's arm. When Jared didn't push him away, he squeezed softly before dropping his hand again. Jared appreciated that Jensen didn't just invade his space...and he had to admit, it did feel good.
They walked to the entrance of the park, and there Jensen left him. "I'm sorry, I have some errands to do, but maybe we can meet again, to talk? Have you been to the library yet? It's not far from here."
"Oh yes, the library is wonderful. I love it there."
They set a day to meet again, and separated. Jared felt a little dizzy with how rapidly he and Jensen seemed to form a friendship, or the beginning of one, anyway. They'd only talked for a little while, but he felt like he'd spent the afternoon with a good friend. He'd told Addie he felt Jensen was a nice guy. It seemed like he'd been right about that.
Back in his apartment, Jared did some chores, and thought about what his family was doing at this moment. He'd spent a lot of time pretending that he didn't have a family, but now, somehow, the appearance of Jensen in his life made him think of them a lot, even though Jensen had just the slightest connection to his old life. He walked around the room, hands roaming over his belly, trying to quell Thing's somersaults. Times like this, when he had no one who knew the person he was before this happened to him, he missed Jesse most….
"Jesse." He said the name aloud, smiling when a memory of him popped up, so clear. He clearly heard his brother's laugh, remembered how he smelled, like horses and hay. Like home.
"Jesse," he murmured, again. Wandering into his bedroom, he sat on the bed, he said out loud, just to hear it, "Jesse, I miss you."
He didn't expect it to hurt. Leaning over the lump of his middle, he sobbed his brother's name until he finally cried himself out, exhausted from trying to keep quiet as he could. He was a solid ache, from head to toe. Felt like Mercury had thrown him, and that was something he remembered well, suddenly going butt over barrel, staring up into his horse's eyes from flat on his back in the dirt. He snorted, then giggled, and giggling turned into laughing which horribly turned to crying again. His darn eyes hurt from so much begus crying. They throbbed in time with the headache that was drumming behind his brow bone as well.
He threw himself back on the bed, thinking how sometimes it felt like he was dying for lack of having anyone who really understood what it all felt like. His friends, they tried, they really did, but unless they'd gone through it, how could they understand this pain?
"Oh, my Lord, I'm so sorry, I really am-I miss my family so much, and I hate them as much as I miss them, and I'm so confused. How can I get past this sin? What can I do to deserve your blessing again?"
=+=
That Sunday morning, feeling weak and sad, he stood at his window watching the sun rise. An emphatic knock rattled his door. Mrs. Kawa stood in the doorway, her eyes narrowed as if he'd done something to annoy her. Before he could ask what brought her to his door, she crooked her finger at him and said in a no-nonsense tone, "Come with me."
He followed her into the garden. The sun was turning the sky pink and slate blue, the grass still sparkling with dew, like diamonds scattered on the lawn. She turned him to face the sun, and said, "Pray. Pray here, pray in your room, pray at work. God hears you, no matter where you are. If you believe, then believe with your whole spirit. No man can take him from you. Do you understand?"
Jared gasped. Nodded yes to her, the words caught in his throat because he was terrified of her, because she knew. Somehow, she'd looked into his mind, had found and yanked that particular thread like the yenza she was.
Mrs. Kawa squeezed his hand. "You're just lost for the moment but you'll find a way; you have a good soul." She laid her hand on his heart. "I can feel it. I know."
The touch of her hand on him made him startle-a ripple went down his back, his heart clenched once, hard, painful, and then….
It felt like the sun was filling him. He felt light as a feather. He felt, not at peace, just...lighter. Better. She must be a powerful yenza, stronger than any at home. Jared belatedly remembered his manners, bowed his head to her.
"Thank you, Mrs. Kawa. I haven't got much, but please ask and it will be yours." At home, they would have sneaked a woman like her a few eggs, a good cut of meat, a few loaves of bread, or they would have gone to her home and done whatever light work she needed. Maybe he couldn't do much right now, but he remembered his manners, and knew to be respectful. "As soon as I'm on my feet again, whatever you need, I'll do." he said.
She looked confused for a moment, searching out Jared's meaning-then startled him by throwing her head back and laughing, a surprising sound that, quick as it was, sounded delighted. Not something Jared ever imagined coming from her. "Oh, my little friend," she laughed, wiping at the corners of her eyes. "You confuse me with women much wiser than I am. I just know what it is to be told to believe an untruth."
She left him in the garden, and he thought long and hard about what he'd gone through so far, and felt a little more confident about his future, and more certain about his possible choices. As the air grew warmer and the sun grew brighter, he imagined himself telling Jensen about this morning, and he smiled.
part 19
Pairings/Characters: Jared/Jensen
Author: roxymissrose
Rating: R
Word Count: 7334
Summary: Anno Domini 1951, fifty years after the failed Fertility experiments, the world still deals (somewhat successfully) with the mutations the experiments brought. With the advent of successful mechanical wombs, and a resurgence of female fertility, Carriers finally won full civil rights, and a new type slavery was abolished. Still, in many small towns and rural parts of America, in isolated communities, carriers were still viewed with suspicion, distaste, or horror.
This is the world Jared finds himself having to navigate.
Story at AO3
=+=
Dear Mr. Jim Beaver,
I hope this letter finds you well! This month's payment is little larger than prior payments as I now have another job! The extra money helps to pay for the new apartment I told you about. Mr. Jim, it's a wonderful place-a real blessing. I have a bedroom big enough to hold a bed and a desk, a private bathroom, and doors to shut and my very own kitchen to cook in. There's nothing like fixing a breakfast that you actually want to eat, and being able to eat it in silence and peace. With spring leaning hard on summer now, I can open my bedroom and my kitchen windows and the warm breeze blows right through, and carries nothing but the sound of the street below my window and the scent of the flowers the landlady grows in the garden. It's so nice, Mr. Jim.
This warmer weather brings comfort, but also reminds me of less pleasant things, such as the fact that June is bearing down on me like a bull with a bee-sting nose; I'll have to make decisions about my future, and I'm just not ready. I'm still trying to decide between punishment or freedom and hoping that referring to it as such isn't further sin. Life is so complicated these days; sometimes I find myself wishing that I was still home and able to call on the elders for advice, but then I remember that the last time I received advice from the elders, it was to condemn me to wander alone and unprepared in a winter wood until I died.
I'm sorry
I'm
that was spiteful of m
Mr. Jim, I pondered tearing up this letter, but you're the only one I can say anything to, and not have to suffer well-meaning advice, or worse, sympathy. I trust that you won't mind if I give in to bitterness from time to time.
Speaking of a complicated life, I ran into someone recently who knew the old me-only slightly, but enough that it has sent my thoughts into a spiral of unhappiness, as you may notice. I'm missing my home, or perhaps missing my life when it was simple and I thought everything was well. I have to keep reminding myself that Elder Padalecki drove me out of their lives himself, and that no one wondered if I lived or died.
Mr. Jim, I'm so sorry. How about I share what is good now in my life?
As I said, my apartment really is a blessing. I love having a shower and tub and not having to waddle down a hallway, dripping wet, in my ugly old robe. I can use as much hot water as I like, though I find if I want to feel good after bathing, lukewarm water it is. And here I'll stop sharing things that are entirely odd cat too personal things with you!
The apartment also has a garden the residents share, there's a picnic table and a grill that no one has used yet. There's also a very odd cat who I think might live here. Somewhere. It stalks me from time to time. It never speaks or comes close, but it watches everything I do. It's really very funny. I like sitting in the garden watching The Cat watch me. That's The Cat I've drawn on the sides of this letter.
Yesterday, I made chicken soup using ingredients I bought myself at the extra job which is a grocery. I bought a cookbook at one of the stalls and it's been such a useful thing, The Women's Home Companion, and it's full of wonderful pictures of so many foods I'll never cook. I confess, I'm not at all a chef, not by far. But it's been fun trying and the book has so much information! I can say with great confidence, if the need arises, I can set a table perfectly. And that's my good news. *laughing*
Until next time, your very good friend, Jay
Jared folded the pages into an envelope...he hesitated a moment, and then, shrugged, drew The Cat peering at the world from one corner. He licked a stamp and pressed it to the envelope. "There."
Feeling accomplished, he moved to the open window with his journal. It felt good; warm air tickled his neck, his cheek. Jared smiled to himself, smoothing the page he'd opened to. He'd been working on the current page, on and off, a mix of words and little sketches. Thoughts regarding his current life, little observations about the diner customers, the food, funny moments...it helped settle him, especially nowadays, the way his emotions ambushed him, made him feel like he was sitting in a gray boat on a gray lake with no shore in sight...he sighed and tapped the page with the pencil.
A bell ringing frantically in the street below pulled Jared out of his funk and directed his attention outside.
A young bike messenger made a dramatic stop at the curb, tires screeching as she applied the brakes, and then hopped off to hand Mrs. Kawa an envelope. Jared smiled at the cocky way she tipped her cap back, wiping her sweaty forehead against her sleeve, and not being subtle in the least about waiting for a tip, which she finally did get. She grinned wide at an unimpressed Mrs. Kawa before leaping on her bike and speeding off again.
Jared closed his journal, trapping his pencil between the pages, and leaned on his windowsill, to better see Mrs. Kawa. She was frowning, eyeing the slim brown envelope she held like it might just explode. Jared's chest pinched. He hoped she wasn't receiving bad news. She opened it, and Jared felt a brief lick of relief at the smile that lit her face. She read it quickly, nodded sharply, then folded the letter back into the envelope.
Jared watched her come away from the curb-flailed back from the window when suddenly she stopped and looked right into his eyes, before walking out of sight. He slid down his chair, squeaking out an embarrassed laugh at being caught-served him right for being a nosy parker.
=+=
The swish-swish of the broom against the pavement was almost hypnotic-so was the sweeping motion. Between the warmth of the sun beating down on him and the weirdly soothing sound of the straw broom on the sidewalk, Jared was almost asleep on his feet. Filled with a sense of contentment, however fleeting, he began humming quietly to himself, "I don't want to set the world, on fire…"
The darn song absolutely would not leave him alone, and he blamed it on Candy for singing it at him constantly. He laughed to himself, and sang on, quietly, under his breath. As he did, he thought about school in an idle way, wondering what steps, if any, to take after graduating secondary, tinkering with the idea of going on in his education, or whether he should stay at the diner where it was safe, and more or less comfortable….
Blinking back to the here and now, he snagged the tail-end of one of those errant thoughts. Maybe he should talk to Mrs. Stern about what choices were open to him, concerning his education. Back in Mountain Grove, he would already have reached the highest point he could, education-wise, and would be deciding whether to stay home or go on to a boarding school in the Outside, something he might have done as a teacher, maybe for a year or two.
Jared swung the broom around in a wide arc, not really paying attention to what he was doing-making more of a show of cleaning instead of actually cleaning. Last night had been a rough one as far as sleep went; Thing had done its level best to keep him from sleeping, or being comfortable at all, punching and kicking him all night long. At least the god-awful tea Mrs. Kawa insisted on bringing him daily helped to relax him somewhat.
He stopped, leaned on the broom, squinting in thought. Hmmm. Could be it was all in his head, she was yenza after all. They were awfully good at spells, but also good at knowing just what string to pull when you needed knots in your brain untangled. At least, that's what his mo-the old women used to say. Headology. Certainly the evil smirk Mrs. Kawa wore every time she dropped off a cup made it easy to believe she was yanking at some string.
He refused to admit that a tiny part of him was somewhat pleased by her attention.
Jared shook his head, took a deep breath and gave the broom a hearty swing-felt the impact before he saw just what-or who-he'd whacked.
"Yowch!"
Face blazing with embarrassment, Jared dropped the broom and reached out for the poor person he'd assaulted. "Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, are you okay? I wasn't paying attention-"
"No, no, it's okay, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, either." The person he'd hit smiled at him, even though he'd cocked his leg to rest his ankle on the opposite knee, and was steadily rubbing at it, rubbing and grinning at Jared, blinding Jared with a beautiful smile, and sparkling eyes. Jared wasn't looking at that though.
Sugar- The face, the voice, the eyes; it was definitely him. Again. Jack. Jensen. Whatever begus thing he called himself. He'd been hoping not to have to deal with him right now, or ever-Jared whirled around and scooted quickly as he could back into the diner, letting the door slam behind him in his rush. He scuttled behind the counter, and hoped like heck Jensen wouldn't come after. He wouldn't follow would he? He wouldn't. Oh, he hoped he wouldn't. Jared made his way up and down the counter, shakily refilling mugs for their regulars, giving out smiles that probably looked more like grimaces because the Lord knew they felt like something horrible on his face.
The bell jangled and the door pushed open and of course Jack was standing in the doorway, the absolute picture of irritation; his head thrust forward, his hands planted on his hips, feet wide-planted. He was frowning, not the slightest hint of that beautiful smile in the thinned curve of his mouth, no smile in his voice, and it was weird that Jared could hear the absence of it, considering that he barely knew the man. "Hey! You always slam the door in your customers' faces?" he barked.
The regulars turned towards the doorway. They saw a red-faced boy directing a scowl at Jared, while growling at him in a very rude tone of voice. At the rear of the diner, sitting at the table that they'd staked a lifetime claim on, Ralph and Carl swiveled to face the stranger, glaring at the intrusion. The boy didn't seem to notice. Stepping into the doorway, waving at Jared as if there was a chance he might be unaware that Jack wanted to talk to him, he called out, "Come on...you're still not going to speak to me, Jared?"
"My name is Jay," Jared growled, "and we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. Get out."
"What?" Jack's eyes went wide, and round. "You can't throw me out for no reason. This is a public place!"
The diner went quiet; even the clack-crash of crockery from the kitchen died down. Everyone's attention was trained on them-Jared could feel his face heat with embarrassment. Jack was being stubborn and loud, so Jared reached out to his secret weapons. He called out to Carl and Ralph, who were beginning to push back from their tables. "Guys-this person is bothering me."
The two of them cleared their chairs and moved as one up the aisle. Jared smirked as Jack's face fell and he began shifting in the doorway. Carl and Ralph looked like moving walls of muscle, barreling down on Jack. Jack backpedaled, obviously no fool. He smiled weakly, trying to look inoffensive as he searched behind him for the door handle-Jared felt a tiny twinge of sympathy for him. He didn't really deserve the negative attention, it was just...Jared just couldn't talk to him, not now, maybe not ever.
"Look, whatever the problem is, we can work it out, right? Jar-Jay?" Jack called out, trying to catch Jared's eyes over Ralph's shoulder. "Just tell me what I did and we'll talk it out. Or, y'know, I can just leave," Jack said quickly when Ralph took another step towards him. He wheeled around and pushed out the door. The minute the door closed behind him, righteous anger rushed out of Jared; an achy sadness flooded him instead.
Seconds later, Addie appeared at his side. She coaxed Jared to sit-sitting across from him, she took his hands. Jared was shocked to note that they were shaking so that he couldn't squeeze her hands back.
"Jared, what's-" she began, then froze. Her eyes went wide, and she whispered "Oh!" Some sort of realization flashed in her eyes. She pulled Jared into ta hug before asking, "Jay...was that...was that him?"
Caught out, sailing through another one of his sudden emotional squalls, he pushed back from her, needing breathing space. He managed a trembling, "Yes," before choking off a sob, wiping his arm across his face. He was sweating, and holerah, was he crying? Whatever for-?
Ralph and Carl, plus a few other regulars surged towards the door again. "We're going to hunt that fucker down, and kill him-slow," Ralph growled, "Damn it, Jay, you shoulda said when he first stepped in. We'd never let him get away."
"What?" Jared gulped, and jerked his head up. "Kill him? No-oh! No, no, he's not...he didn't...he, he's not the guy..." He stuttered to a stop. "Not the one. He was there, though, when. When it happened."
"'When it happened'?" Addie eyed Jared, and tucked her receipt book back into her apron."After work, you and I need to talk." She reached out and cupped his cheek. "Okay?"
"Well…" Jared hesitated, his thoughts scurrying madly in circles-did he want to talk? Could he tell anyone? Could he live with his friends knowing everything, because as much as he loved her, he knew Addie probably wouldn't keep what he told her to herself. She'd tell Candy, and Lando, and...and he realized he didn't care. He kind of welcomed the idea that all those awful secrets he hadn't even told Mr. Jim Beaver would be out and done with and, maybe with the weight of those secrets lessened, he'd feel lighter in his spirit. These were his friends, they weren't going to hurt him. And even if somehow they did...he had practice in surviving that, didn't he? He raised his head and told Addie that, "Yes, I think it's something I need to do."
Jared met Addie after his shift at the grocery; they took the trolley together back to his apartment. She made approving noises at how he'd brightened up the new place as Jared made tea for the both of them. She admired a little print Jared had hung in the kitchen, something he'd done playing with colored pencils and ink-a winged calico cat chasing little birds through a green sky. She liked it so much Jared made a mental note to gift it to her.
He could tell Addie was really concerned-she was nearly as chatty as Candy, keeping up a non-stop flow of words while she emptied a bag bulging with enough food to feed a small army: work, the weather, how the Interconnect cafe they favored had added a new flavor to the ice-creams this season, the current movie playing at The Bijou and how it was just the best-Singing In The Rain, and they really should go-
Jared let her chirpy stream of blather float right over him as he stared at the wrapped sandwiches, the mounds of fried, sliced potatoes, a pair of the bright green, garlicky dill pickles he'd fallen in love with lately. The sight of it all made his insides roll unpleasantly. He gulped. "I don't think I can eat. My - my stomach is in knots."
"Oh, Jay, if you're worried about what to say or what I might think, well, don't. I've lived in Nice all my life, and there are a million stories out there, and I've heard a ton of them. Sure, the State says we're all equal: men, women, carriers, that race and religious beliefs aren't important, and who we love means nothing-but real life?" She shrugged. "It's different when it's not words read to us on Freedom Day; all I can say is we're all still working towards that."
"I'm not worried you'd judge me, not really. And even though it's tied up with being a carrier, there's more to the story than that." Jared sighed deeply; he pulled his hair back, twisted it into a little knot, undid it, twisted it again before anxiously raking his fingers through it, and finally dropping his hands to the table. Snagging a sweet roll from the bag, he plucked and picked at it with nervous fingers as he talked.
"I haven't talked about what happened since it happened, not the whole story-about what went on the night my whole life disappeared. The boy at the diner today, his name is Jack, and I met him last October on my Runround-do you know what that means?" She nodded, and he went on. "My reaction to him made you all think he was the problem, but you know, I actually think he's a nice guy. I remember him trying to help me; I think he suspected something bad had happened even though I didn't say. Couldn't say. At the time, my brother thought I was drunk which was bad on its own. When they found out I was, that I had...been with a boy, my family blamed me for this, this steaming pile of gobnaw." Jared stared at the pile of crumbs in front of him. Addie, her lunch forgotten, sat quietly waiting for Jared to speak again.
"Runround was supposed to help me decide whether I wanted to choose Family in all ways. I wanted Home, I thought it was the right thing to choose. I'd already made up my mind, planned my future. I was just going through the motions before saying yes, because you know, that's what one does." He laughed sadly. "And then, the bottom dropped out of my world."
Addie slid her chair closer, taking Jared's trembling hand in a loose grip-just letting him know she was there in whatever way he wanted her to be.
A tear rolled down his cheek. He scrubbed it away before beginning to share the trail of events that landed him alone in Nice. How Runround had been a camping trip with Outsider boys and girls, and that night, he'd gotten drunk for the first time in his life. He told Addie that he'd found the boys attractive, much more so than the girls, and a pretty boy named Riley most of all. Realized that that deep down he'd always known it was boys, not girls for him. What with being tipsy-well, smashed, really-he'd been open to kissing Riley, but Riley had changed, going from sweet to...mean. Hurtful. He'd been unable to stop what was happening partly because he really hadn't been sure what Riley was doing until he did it. And how it hurt him.
"He just pushed, and pushed, and took; I didn't know what was happening to me. I didn't know about myself being a carrier then. That came later. I just thought that, well, that I'd committed a sin by having sex with that boy." He looked up at her, the world blurring with tears he tried to hold back. "I was so scared."
Addie wiped her eyes and nodded, murmured something Jared didn't catch, but he went on, afraid that if he stopped he'd never finish, and he wanted to finish. "I passed out afterwards, and woke up...oh Lord in heaven. I woke up in Jack's tent, the boy at the diner. I guess...I was drunk and I suppose some part of my brain decided that crawling into his tent was a good idea." Jared blushed a hot red, put his hands over his face, queasy with embarrassment. He mumbled, "Jack tried to help me. He asked if I was okay. He was kind to me; at least he was the only one who wasn't mad at me, or laughed at me. I guess I forgot about that part after everything that happened."
Addie took it all in quietly, her face set and serious. When Jared paused, she asked "Are you embarrassed to see him? Because he knows?" she asked.
Jared thought about that. "Maybe. Yes, maybe. I had no idea what I was doing, or what it would mean afterward. Jack seemed like the only person who was worried about me. I'd rather have been with him. Oh my Lord, I'm such a terrible person," Jared cried. "How could I wish such a thing?"
"Jared…" Addie sighed and threw an arm around his shoulders. "Terrible is the very last thing you are. Now, you've already run into him twice, odds are you'll see him again. If he was as nice as you claim, maybe you should talk to him. But if you don't want to, you don't have to deal with him at all. The boys will make sure of that."
He nodded, turning the thought over in his head. Was there a point in talking to Jack? Jensen? Despite the awful things that had happened to him that night, Jared knew that Jack was a kind person, he could feel it. Out of everyone there that night, he'd been the only one who showed honest concern.
=+=
Sunday, a day Jared was still getting used to not spending the whole of in church, was being spent sitting in Mrs. Kawa's garden. At the moment, he was busy making faces at The Cat that he was still not sure lived there. He held one of his journals open on his lap-what there was of it-and whenever the cat ignored him, he'd write down snippets of whatever floated through his head: poetry, observations and thoughts about the diner, the city, what he was feeling about life in general. There were doodles in the corners, of birds, flowers, cats...he smiled at the weird little thing peering at him, before it whisked away under the bushes and off to who knows where.
A metallic screech made him jump, he looked over to the side of the yard just as Mrs Kawa was shutting the small gate that separated her private garden from the tenants' space. She carried an umbrella and a stand for it, dropping it at Jared's chair side. She opened the large, colorful umbrella and jabbed the pointed end of it into the stand, like she was going for it's heart, Jared thought.
When she had it settled to her satisfaction, she dragged another chair over to the spot Jared sat, and plopped down on it. She snapped, "Whatever makes you sit out here in the sun, wearing short sleeves?"
"Because...it's warm?" Jared replied, confused by her question.
Mrs. Kawa snorted, an impressive volume of noise. "Too much sun is no good for you."
"That might be, but I've had enough darkness," he snapped, and bit his lip. He felt a mix of regret and embarrassment for being so rude. And maybe a lick of fear-yenza, after all.
Her eyebrows raised, at his tone, but she only nodded. When Mrs. Kawa spoke again, the conversation took a completely different tack. "My other border returns this week, so the house might not be as quiet as it's been. He's not very loud, but." She shrugged, as though Jared knew exactly what she meant. "He's a teacher. Sometimes he has students in the garden. He's very polite, you two should get along. If you meet."
"Oh, a teacher?" Jared said. "There was a time I thought I was going to be a teacher one day."
"Do you like children?" she asked, and that surprised Jared. Most people just assumed that of course he did, what with being pregnant and all. He took a moment before answering.
"I don't dislike children. Becoming a teacher was my best choice of occupation, really. My family made a living from the land, and I was not suited to farming, and my skills didn't run towards carpentry. My...my father was skilled there, though the land was his primary concern. His eldest son was a farmer as well…" Jared blinked hard. "Being a teacher would have been acceptable to him. But now," he forced a smile and shrugged. "I don't know what the future will bring."
"Being a parent is a hard job-it won't be easy doing it alone."
"I'm not sure I'm going to be a parent."
Mrs. Kawa inhaled sharply and leaned back in her chair. "I see." She stood, and smoothed down the apron she wore over her dress. "Well, it's time I get to cleaning up the apartment. Put a little Coppertone on that skin. You might be used to the sun loving you, but the skin changes when you're pregnant."
Jared watched her leave. She was a puzzle. Was she repulsed because he didn't want to be a parent? She seemed more...surprised instead of judgmental. She was a weird old bird-witches went their own way, though, and no one could say what they were thinking.
=+=
A van pulled up as Jared was about to cross the street to his apartment building, making him pull up short. The sharp movement laced a quick stab of pain though his hip bones, just another source of irritation, like the darn bag of begus oranges banging annoyingly against his knees due to his sway-backed walk. He swore, it felt like everything from his shoulders down to his hips was killing him.
Jared crossed the street and nearly lost the darn bag, he was that startled by a man in dusty overalls jumping out of the back of the van. The man didn't spare a second to look his way, he quickly began unloading a couple of large boxes, along with a rusty old bicycle.
Mrs Kawa came hurrying past Jared. "Be careful," she shouted when one of the boxes nearly tipped over. "I swear, how you continue to get business, ham-handed thing that you are…" She signed for them while the man stood by, grinning-totally ignoring the huffs and glares she directed at him.
Jared reluctantly turned away from the minor drama and headed towards the stairs, once again having to avoid the man as he hauled a box bigger than he was up the same stairs, like some sort of ant...man, or something. Rude, and annoying.
He was just letting himself inside his apartment when the man hustled past him and out. So, he was delivering for the new tenant, or not-so-new tenant, Jared supposed. After showering off the smell of 'Just Like Ma's Fried Chicken' day, he threw on a shirt and a pair of loose pants, pushed his very grateful feet into his fuzzy cow slippers, grabbed a pillow and headed off to sit in the garden with his bag of oranges.
He settled on one of the chairs, pillow supporting his back and peeled oranges, one after the other. They were so good, sweet, tart, and juicy-and since he couldn't bear the thought of eating anything else, this evening, they were his dinner. He was enjoying one and thinking of getting a cup of tea when the van man flew through Mrs. Kawa's gate, carrying a rug. Jared could hear Mrs. Kawa calling out-
"Don't make a mess of this job, you hear!"
Jared could see the man's eyes roll from where he sat; he flung the rug over the clothesline so hard the rug made a clapping sound. He then whaled away at it enthusiastically with a wicker carpet beater. His bright smile made Jared snort. He had an inkling as to what the man was thinking while he whacked the carpet.
Jared picked at his orange, listening to the thump-thump-thump of the beater hitting the rug...a wave of loss rushed through him. The sound of the beater, the quiet grunts of effort, reminded Jared of spring cleaning and his mother and sister airing the rugs. He could see her clearly; her face red with effort but smiling at his sister, the two of them laughing at some joke. His mother tucking wispy strands of silver hair back into the crown of braids she wore every day whenever they took a break….
A young girl suddenly appeared at the gate, calling out to the van man. "Come on then, Aunt Ruta says it's lunch time, and then we've got to get to the windows!"
The van man yanked the rug off the clothesline and quickly rolled it up before throwing it across his shoulder. He turned, and seeing Jared, jumped as if it was the first time he'd noticed him. The man snorted and muttered, just loud enough for Jared to hear, "Pity you living with Ruta, She's a busybody and a nag, that one."
Jared started at him open-mouthed-how dare he say something like that about a yenza-and out loud, for goodness sake!
The man laughed at Jared's expression, and winked. "I can say what I like 'cause she's my sister," he chuckled and Jared laughed too, glad to be distracted from memories.
=+=
After what passed for dinner, Jared decided to take a walk in the park, check to see what was blooming, and people-watch. Outsiders were still fascinating to him after all these months. He'd pulled his too-long hair back to let what breeze there was cool his neck, thinking he really ought to cut it. Getting up every morning to comb through tangles, then braiding it, or twisting it into a bun was becoming a real chore nowadays. As soon as he bought a pair of scissors, and he had enough time, he was going to chop it off onto a proper haircut again.
Strolling slowly along the outer edge of the park, he plucked a leaf here and there from the bushes that lined the walks, rubbing some between his fingers to release their oils.He loved the scent on his skin, loved the warmth the sun, loved walking on a good day, when his feet and back and hips agreed it was a good thing to do. He'd practically had to force his friends to let him walk out by himself. He had a whole two months to go and they were acting like...well. Acting like he was a high-risk pregnancy who shouldn't be doing as much as he did. He huffed. Dr Adler had already asked him to consider taking a leave of absence, just to be safe, but he felt fine. Really, he did.
Mostly.
Peanuts...logically, he was going to have to take her advice. He understood how dangerous it could be, and understood that a lot of the pain he was feeling wasn't just the normal pain of physical changes. If the baby had...problems...because he wasn't taking proper care of himself, he was sure he'd be committing a sin as great, maybe greater, than his original sin.
Jared walked most of the way around the small park, then taking his doctor's advice, sat to take a break. He was comfortably parked on a bench, eating a delicious strawberry ice-cream, when footsteps in the gravel distracted him from the frozen berry he was trying to worry out of the ice-cream, while also avoiding getting ice-cream on the end of his nose.
He was just reaching up to rub his nose clean, when-
Oh for…. Jared smelled him before he saw him, and then was peeved that he recognized that scent after only having been close to him once. Twice. Begus!
"Jared...Jay...hi."
"Jack," Jared sighed, and shook his head. Well, he might as well speak to the man; Jared had the feeling that the giant city of Nice had suddenly become village-sized, as far as his desire to avoid Jack went. He scooted a bit so that Jack could sit if he chose, which he did. Jack quietly for a few seconds, running his fingers over the back of his neck, along his chin, wiping over his mouth before finally letting out a tiny sigh.
"What is it that you want, Jack? Why are you here?" Jared said, struggling, probably not very successfully, to keep the irritation out of his voice.
"Jared, Jay, could I ask-I mean, well, here's the thing-Jensen really is my name. Jack, that's what the people you met before called me. I'm not crazy about the name, though I guess it is better than Jen, I mean I really hate Jen, too...aaand you don't care about all that. Sorry."
Kind of tickled despite himself at Jack--Jensen's nervous babbling, Jared turned slightly towards him, and bit his lip. Holerah. Why did the man have to be so darn good-looking? His thick crown of sun-streaked brown hair, the straight slope of his nose, perfect as a Greek statue, leading to the plush curve of his rose-tinted lips, the sharp cut of his chin which offset his lashes, long and thick as a girl's; it was ridiculous just how gorgeous he was. Oh, and then the way everything was dusted with the most beautiful little flecks of copper everywhere...how was Jared supposed to just sit next to him and breathe like everything was normal?
Jared gulped. This beautiful boy wasn't just a soldier-he was a knight of King Arthur's court brought to life. Lancelot, regal and, and, just too perfect. He pinched himself hard, trying to rein in his ridiculous thoughts. "Then Jensen it is." Of course his name was Jensen, exotic and fit for a knight. Still- "Why are you following me, Jensen?"
"Because I saw you and I know you, and. Well. You're a carrier, and that means...probably means...it's the reason you're here in Nice of all places, Jared. Jay, I mean. I'm sorry," Jensen said, shaking his head. "I've been messing this up from the start. Jared...can I help?"
Jared wanted to scream when his crazy hormones made his eyes tear up instantly. He swallowed around what felt like a flaming coal stuck in his throat.
"Oh, god, Jay, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Can I get you something-water, a coffee?"
"Thank you, Jensen, I'm not supposed to have coffee, which is completely begus." He raised his eyes to Jensen's and said,"A medium one, with extra milk and three sugars, and a little hazelnut-flavored syrup please? And you can call me Jared, I suppose."
"Begus?" Jensen looked confused for a moment, then snickered, "Do you mean bogus?" Jensen rubbed his lip,obviously trying not to laugh out loud, his eyes sparkling like Jared had done something adorable, which was no end of irritating. Jared was not adorable, or dumb, and he just really felt like poking Jensen right in his stupidly beautiful eye.
Jensen reached across the small space and gently prodded Jared's shoulder, totally unaware of the danger his eyeball was in. "Well, Jared, not to worry. You're certainly not drinking coffee, that's for sure. Not with three sugars plus syrup. Like my uncle always says, 'coffee isn't coffee unless it's black and sugar free. Anything else is a kid's drink'," he said gruffly, full of mock severity. He blushed bright red and smiled when Jared's mouth betrayed him and let loose the laugh he tried to smother.
=+=
Jared sipped the coffee and let Jensen walk with him, another circle around the tiny park, a little slower this turn. Jensen asked him a lot of questions, nothing that felt too intrusive, just the usual getting-to-know-you questions; how Jared was adjusting to city life, his jobs; he was very interested in Jared's schooling as well.
"I can help sometimes, you know. I'm a teacher. Well, not quite yet, it's been a while since I've been in a classroom, actually. I've applied to teach first levels at a school in Nice city center, though. I'm confident I'll be employed before the end of the summer."
A teacher? Jared's heart dropped. "Oh, really?" Suddenly, Jared had a very bad feeling. He squashed it down. After all, the city had to be chock full of teachers.
"Yep. I did my year service, which means I've got preference when it comes to being hired. I was an assistant before I left, and finished classes while in service. I love kids," he smiled at Jared, his green eyes sweeping him up and down, smile growing. Jared's heart sank a bit more. "There's something so great about watching kids learn, they're so eager, open to everything-I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Stop me whenever."
Jared looked down into his cup, trying to keep a smile on his own face. "My family used to beg me to stop talking. Make a joke about how I could babble on and on..." He stopped, broadsided with another unwelcome wave of emotion. "I don't talk much anymore."
"Oh, Jared…" Jensen laid a tentative hand on Jared's arm. When Jared didn't push him away, he squeezed softly before dropping his hand again. Jared appreciated that Jensen didn't just invade his space...and he had to admit, it did feel good.
They walked to the entrance of the park, and there Jensen left him. "I'm sorry, I have some errands to do, but maybe we can meet again, to talk? Have you been to the library yet? It's not far from here."
"Oh yes, the library is wonderful. I love it there."
They set a day to meet again, and separated. Jared felt a little dizzy with how rapidly he and Jensen seemed to form a friendship, or the beginning of one, anyway. They'd only talked for a little while, but he felt like he'd spent the afternoon with a good friend. He'd told Addie he felt Jensen was a nice guy. It seemed like he'd been right about that.
Back in his apartment, Jared did some chores, and thought about what his family was doing at this moment. He'd spent a lot of time pretending that he didn't have a family, but now, somehow, the appearance of Jensen in his life made him think of them a lot, even though Jensen had just the slightest connection to his old life. He walked around the room, hands roaming over his belly, trying to quell Thing's somersaults. Times like this, when he had no one who knew the person he was before this happened to him, he missed Jesse most….
"Jesse." He said the name aloud, smiling when a memory of him popped up, so clear. He clearly heard his brother's laugh, remembered how he smelled, like horses and hay. Like home.
"Jesse," he murmured, again. Wandering into his bedroom, he sat on the bed, he said out loud, just to hear it, "Jesse, I miss you."
He didn't expect it to hurt. Leaning over the lump of his middle, he sobbed his brother's name until he finally cried himself out, exhausted from trying to keep quiet as he could. He was a solid ache, from head to toe. Felt like Mercury had thrown him, and that was something he remembered well, suddenly going butt over barrel, staring up into his horse's eyes from flat on his back in the dirt. He snorted, then giggled, and giggling turned into laughing which horribly turned to crying again. His darn eyes hurt from so much begus crying. They throbbed in time with the headache that was drumming behind his brow bone as well.
He threw himself back on the bed, thinking how sometimes it felt like he was dying for lack of having anyone who really understood what it all felt like. His friends, they tried, they really did, but unless they'd gone through it, how could they understand this pain?
"Oh, my Lord, I'm so sorry, I really am-I miss my family so much, and I hate them as much as I miss them, and I'm so confused. How can I get past this sin? What can I do to deserve your blessing again?"
=+=
That Sunday morning, feeling weak and sad, he stood at his window watching the sun rise. An emphatic knock rattled his door. Mrs. Kawa stood in the doorway, her eyes narrowed as if he'd done something to annoy her. Before he could ask what brought her to his door, she crooked her finger at him and said in a no-nonsense tone, "Come with me."
He followed her into the garden. The sun was turning the sky pink and slate blue, the grass still sparkling with dew, like diamonds scattered on the lawn. She turned him to face the sun, and said, "Pray. Pray here, pray in your room, pray at work. God hears you, no matter where you are. If you believe, then believe with your whole spirit. No man can take him from you. Do you understand?"
Jared gasped. Nodded yes to her, the words caught in his throat because he was terrified of her, because she knew. Somehow, she'd looked into his mind, had found and yanked that particular thread like the yenza she was.
Mrs. Kawa squeezed his hand. "You're just lost for the moment but you'll find a way; you have a good soul." She laid her hand on his heart. "I can feel it. I know."
The touch of her hand on him made him startle-a ripple went down his back, his heart clenched once, hard, painful, and then….
It felt like the sun was filling him. He felt light as a feather. He felt, not at peace, just...lighter. Better. She must be a powerful yenza, stronger than any at home. Jared belatedly remembered his manners, bowed his head to her.
"Thank you, Mrs. Kawa. I haven't got much, but please ask and it will be yours." At home, they would have sneaked a woman like her a few eggs, a good cut of meat, a few loaves of bread, or they would have gone to her home and done whatever light work she needed. Maybe he couldn't do much right now, but he remembered his manners, and knew to be respectful. "As soon as I'm on my feet again, whatever you need, I'll do." he said.
She looked confused for a moment, searching out Jared's meaning-then startled him by throwing her head back and laughing, a surprising sound that, quick as it was, sounded delighted. Not something Jared ever imagined coming from her. "Oh, my little friend," she laughed, wiping at the corners of her eyes. "You confuse me with women much wiser than I am. I just know what it is to be told to believe an untruth."
She left him in the garden, and he thought long and hard about what he'd gone through so far, and felt a little more confident about his future, and more certain about his possible choices. As the air grew warmer and the sun grew brighter, he imagined himself telling Jensen about this morning, and he smiled.
part 19