Title: Shout My Name (at heaven's gate) J2, R, part 13/?
Title: Shout My Name (at heaven's gate) J2, R, part 13 /?
Pairings/Characters: Jared/Jensen
Author: roxymissrose
Rating: R
Word Count: 4076
Summary: Anno Domini 1951, fifty years after the failed Fertility experiments, the world still deals (somewhat successfully) with the mutations the experiments brought. With the advent of successful mechanical wombs, and a resurgence of female fertility, Carriers finally won full civil rights, and a new type slavery was abolished. Still, in many small towns and rural parts of America, in isolated communities, carriers were still viewed with suspicion, distaste, or horror.
This is the world Jared finds himself having to navigate.
Story at AO3
Jared made himself a mug of herbal tea and sat in the deep sill of his window
Jared sat cross-legged on his bed, the weak morning light falling on the innocuous-seeming piece of paper Mrs. Stern had given him before she left to make way for the morning shift. He held it so tightly, it crumbled in his fist. He knew it was probably ridiculous of him to be worried, but the note had so casually announced another change in his life, one that he wasn't so sure about. It seemed simple enough on the surface-the note informed him he was being assigned a different doctor. He knew that a choice of doctor was out of his hands, and really, the shelter was good enough to provide doctors free of charge so it was rather rude of him to question their choices. It was just...why now, he wondered? Why change his doctor now?
He'd gotten used to Dr. Adler, the spare, silver-haired, old woman who was-who'd been- his doctor, doctor to most of the girls here as well. Dr. Adler had seen him every other week-which had meant seeing him more often than she saw the girls, but she'd said since he was male, no one was taking what he was going through for granted, not on her watch, whatever that meant. Jared thought maybe it was a military term-a tattoo of a bow and arrow crossed by some sort of rifle on her wrist made it plain she'd been military. He was a little sorry for whoever had been on her team, or whatever a group of solders was called-she was a tough, no-fooling-around lady, that one.
So Dr. Adler was serious, humorless, and definitely not one for chit-chat-but despite being taciturn, she freely answered any direct questions. She gave him unambiguous rules to follow, even as she'd warned him that while the average doctor these days had a good working understanding of carriers in general, there were so many things that could go wrong with male carriers. Knowledge concerning their care was always a work in progress.
"Relatively speaking, there are few male carriers, Jared. To be honest with you, we're not sure if male carrier numbers are dropping, or if their numbers remain level. There are still sections of the population that are convinced male carriers are a crime against nature-"
She'd made a hooking motion with the index finger on both hands-from the way her lip quirked, he was pretty sure she didn't think too highly of that idea. It made his chest feel less tight.
"There hasn't been enough research, and that my friend, is a goddamn crime. I'll treat you to the best of my ability, have no doubt about that."
All in all, she'd been gruff but honest, and even caring in a reserved way. He'd really appreciated her, but now she was gone.
=+=
He'd had one of his restless nights, so this morning in place of his usual coffee, Jared made himself a mug of herbal tea and sat in the deep sill of his window, watching the sun rise as he sipped it. The little courtyard below was slowly starting to lose the bleak look brought on by winter thaw. As much as he hated winter thaw, he did look forward to seeing the little square come back to life-he could see the bones of it, the ice drawing back from the flower beds. He couldn't wait 'til it was in bloom.
All too soon, it was time to start the day. Jared set his empty cup down with a sigh-and winced. He'd sounded just like Silvia Padalecki for a moment, tired and…he shook his head violently. These were memories he did not want to visit, especially not today. He had enough to worry abut, what with having to deal with another stranger poking and prodding at him.
With his appointment on his mind, Jared took a thorough shower, making sure every bit of him was clean. He was not about to be judged on sketchy hygiene….
=+=
Nerves twisted his stomach into knots, so he skipped breakfast, but stopped in the kitchen to let the staff know he had an unexpected doctor's appointment this morning and he wouldn't be in. He was surprised, and glad that the staff was fine with it-seemed Mrs. Stern had alerted the staff the previous evening. With nothing stopping him, Jared headed to the shelter's small private clinic in an older building-older than St. Margret's-that had once been free-standing, but had been attached to the main hall many years ago.
What that meant was that the clinic was cold and drafty, with small rooms, windows high on the wall-too high for a view, just wide enough to let air circulate. The thought drifted through his mind that the windows were also too small to climb out of, a ridiculous thought he quickly squelched.
Thank goodness there was a small heater grate on the wall doing its best to pump out warm air, or he would have frozen to death in this little, pea-soup green box made of tiled walls and carpeting that looked like it had been crafted entirely out of dust, flattened and glued to the floor. He had a few seconds to laugh at himself before a knock came at the door; it flew open as the new doctor let himself in, a man Jared had never seen before.
"Good morning, Jared."
Jared greeted him back and then just couldn't stop himself from asking, "Where is Dr. Adler and her nurse?"
The new doctor looked annoyed, but the expression flitted across his face so quickly, Jared wasn't sure if he was just projecting his own feelings on the man. "Oh, she's still here." At Jared's look, the doctor went on with a sigh. "Dr. Adler and Nurse Spatz have been transferred to the older mothers ward. I'm taking on your case. We look forward to working with you. Now...I'll call the nurse in and we can get started with a thorough exam."
Jared quietly removed his clothes and took the paper gown the nurse handed him. With a deep breath and a brief prayer begging for strength, he lay back on the table.
"Feet in stirrups, please," the doctor muttered and Jared did as he asked. The doctor didn't explain what he was doing-Jared knew what to expect from all his other exams of course, but apparently this doctor didn't waste time with what was a courtesy that Dr. Adler never minded extending.
The doctor barked out notes to the nurse, who quickly tapped everything into the electronic book. "He seems slightly bigger than I'd expect at this point of the pregnancy, but he's also rather thinner than normal, so...there are some pigmentation changes here and here, all in normal range..." He pressed down on Jared's belly, ignoring the sharp intake of air; Thing retaliated by kicking Jared squarely in the bladder.
"No development in breast tissue, also not unusual, failure of the experiment perhaps? Have you experienced any leakage?"
It took a few moments for it to register that the doctor was now talking to him. "No!" Jared barked. Maybe it was stupid of him but it had never occurred to him that such a thing was a possibility. He felt queasy. Holerah! What kind of gobnaw was that? What a horror! He resented this thing enough, was he now going to have to suffer through-through bosoms as well?
The doctor's voice cut through his panicked thoughts, but not in any way meant to be soothing. "It's not unusual for no change to take place at all. There's no real, definitive male carrier-there are so many varying ways in which they present. There really is no 'norm', you know."
Jared nodded silently. The man sounded cheerful, as if he'd opened a box full of interesting puzzles. Jared was sure the doctor was just thinking out loud, and Jared might as well be a potted plant for all the doctor cared.
The doctor turned away to take a tube-like thing from the metal table at Jared's bedside, bending his knees so that his legs were wider, he guided the tube between his legs. Jared caught a slightly surprised look on the nurse's face, quickly quelled when she caught Jared's eyes.
The thing piercing him hurt-Jared heard a ratcheting sound, could feel the tube opened wider, and he cried out-it was always uncomfortable to have something in him that way, but this felt like he was being ripped open.
"Jared, contain yourself-a mature person should demonstrate better self-control than that."
Jared lay still as possible, biting his lip savagely, hating that tears formed in the corners of his eyes and ran down his cheeks just because he was laying on his back, that's all, and...and. Jared sniffed quietly, heard the doctor make an irritated noise. It felt as though the doctor pressed harder on his belly.
He tilted his head back to make the tears stop falling, trying to avoid the eyes of the doctor and nurse as he did so. That position let him see, just on the edge of his eyesight, an enlarged, open version of the electronic books he'd seen in bookstores and offices, tethered to a machine dripping wires.
Finally the doctor let up. Jared could breathe again, sipping shallow breaths of air. He scrubbed the back of his hand across his face, trying to wipe tears away. The nurse dropped a piece of paper toweling on his chest when the doctor turned away to make some notes. Shamefaced, sure that he'd reacted like a spoiled brat, Jared quietly cleaned up and waited for what was next.
Next was the doctor dropping a dollop of ice-cold gel on his stomach. The chill startled Jared, likewise the doctor suddenly pressing an ice-cold object, connected to a thick wire, onto his belly. He began moving it over the swell, back and forth, up and down. The pressure distracted Jared at first, but then he heard a small, whooshing sound, and saw movement on the electronic book's screen. He had no idea what it was, a grainy smudge on a black background.
"Subject is at six months, I see the fetus is small, but no cause for alarm, seems to be common in regards to male pregnancy."
Fetus...that smudge was Thing. The thing that changed his life. He stared at it, waiting to feel something-hatred, interest, some sense of it belonging to him, anything-but all he felt was an exhausted kind of blankness. That was it. A distant sort of queasy feeling crept around the outside of the blankness, but died away. He realized the sound he heard was a heartbeat. Of course there'd be one. As far as he could tell, it was steady.
The doctor never addressed any remark to Jared, never explained what he was doing. Jared took what he could from the information the doctor recited for the nurse. Thing seemed healthy. Jared stared at the smudge until his eyes felt dry, and then closed them, waiting for it all to be over.
The exam went on, cold, clinical, and sometimes painful, thoroughly invasive. He was prodded to sitting while the nurse took blood, and then took his blood pressure. It was almost admirable, the way she managed to do that without actually making eye contact.
With a grunt indicating Jared should get dressed, doctor and nurse left the room. A further ten minutes passed before the doctor returned. He sat at the small desk in the corner of the exam room and poked at the compact electronic book he held. Finally he looked at Jared and asked, "Have you considered what comes after you give birth?"
Jared licked dry lips, his mouth working as he tried to compose an answer, finally stuttered out, "I'm not sure. I've thought about it and. Well, I'm inclined towards giving it up for adoption. If that's possible. If anyone would want it." If doing so wasn't dodging punishment.
The doctor smiled. "Well, that is very mature-and just the level of common sense I expected from you. Acknowledging you're in no position to take care of a child shows intelligence. I'll bring more information the next time we meet which should be in a month, if all goes well.
Jared was surprised-Dr. Adler had been firm in stating she wanted to see him every two weeks but this doc just tutted. "You're fine. Healthy, well developed. No reason to take up valuable time for unnecessary exams."
He sent Jared off feeling as if he'd barely passed some sort of test. While Dr. Adler hadn't been warm and cozy, she'd never made him feel like a brainless specimen either. Jared shuddered. This was going to be a trial.
He went home and quickly showered, desperate to get rid of the horrible, squishy feeling between his legs, and the touch of strangers from his skin, then took the trolley to work. He hated to admit that what had been a lovely brisk stroll to work had begun to be an exhausting tramp through a purgatory of gray, wet streets. Winter thaw, the promise of spring, he thought. He hated spring.
=+=
Other changes were taking place in Jared's life as well, changes that were very much more pleasant than what was going on with his body.
Jared had friends now. And friends, he knew, visited each other. They took lunch together, they talked about their hopes and dreams, and, okay, Jared had none beyond surviving these next few months, but still-if he'd had the freedom to dream, and if he chose to, he had friends he could share his hopes with. And he wanted to have a friend to visit, like some of the girls here did.
It took a bit of convincing on his part before Mrs. Mond finally agreed to allow Jared to have a visitor-a female visitor-to his room. She'd finally agreed that she was holding onto outmoded ideas of what was proper, that she certainly didn't have to worry about canoodling since female guests were hardly canoodling material for Jared. Jared thought that was a fact obvious to all, but it still took more convincing than he thought it should.
Eventually, Mrs. Mond caved, and Jared was able to invite his coworker to lunch in his very own room.
On a lovely, sunny afternoon, Candy walked with Jared to the shelter. Jared carried a bag full of rolls and cookies, cheese and luncheon meat, which was thin slices of roast beef, or of chicken, or ham. They called it a fancy name, but the sandwiches they made were the same kind they made in his former community. He would have bought all that himself, was certainly prepared to. However Lando, who was an enormous busybody, had forced it all on him, claiming that he'd just have to throw it away if Jared wouldn't take it. He did let Jared buy two slices of cake, which Jared took as a victory for his dignity.
Sunny as the day was, it was still early spring, which meant it was also rather chilly; they were both red-nosed and tingling with the cold by the time they walked up the stone steps. Jared stood ready to lead Candy in through St, Margaret's big, slightly intimidating doors, but she stopped a moment to read the inscription carved above the doors. "'Shelter the little poor ones.' Hunh. You know, I've lived close by all my life, but never ever stopped to actually look at this building? I always felt like I'd be intruding."
"Well, now you're here as my guest."
"That's true," she smiled. They walked in and of course, they had to cross the dining hall, mercifully almost empty on a Saturday mid-morning. There was a low hiss, as if someone had dropped a bag of snakes in the hall, or as if a few dozen busy-body girls were gossiping about him before he'd even made his way to the steps leading to the attic.
Candy followed Jared up the narrow staircase, through the narrow little door that Jared had to tilt his head down in order not to brain himself walking in. They stepped out into his room at a perfect moment. The sun sent long bars of soft lemon-tinted light over his striped rug, turning the colors to jewel tones. His bed was neat, his new blanket tucked tight around it, and the extra pillows-an extravagance the Family would have thought was a decadent, sinful waste, which of course made them even more lovely-set carefully on top. He'd cleaned and shined everything, and set a vase of flowers on his dresser top. He'd made some room at the little table (that did double duty as his desk) to set a couple of dishes and glasses out for them to enjoy a nice lunch. He turned back to her, proud of what he'd made out of his little corner of the world, only to catch the look of shock on Candy's face.
"Oh my gosh, you live in an attic. You're pregnant and single and you live in an attic!"
Jared's heart broke; his face burned with embarrassment. What a fool he was, showing off this poor room. He looked around again, and saw that his dresser was chipped and gouged, the curtains in his window were obviously some old sheets cut to fit, his worn blanket was only new to him and...and….
Candy grabbed him into a chest-crushing hug.
"Oh my god, I love you so much. You are so brave." She let him go and looked around. "And you've made this attic into a beautiful little home, Jay."
He looked at the bed's gray and yellow blanket that was second-hand, okay, but it was so soft and clean. Looked at the bright yellow vase on the dresser, holding a few stalks of flowers from the courtyard garden. They filled the room with the scent of hyacinth. There was a picture of mountains, carefully cut from a magazine and tacked to the wall, next to another of a stream threading through a green meadow. Jared knew that in this room, he felt warm and safe and his friend thought it was nice, too. Jared laughed along with her when she grabbed him by the arms, and danced around the room with him.
Gasping and giggling, she finally let him go, and they sat together at the little table. While they ate, Jared shared where he'd found his treasures, and how much he enjoyed decorating a space all his own, something he'd never known before. Candy was a good listener, knowing when to speak up, knowing when all Jared needed was a nod, or a soft, sympathetic hand over his.
"Jay, this is so comfy, and St. Maggie's is so great, but you need a place that's really all your own, nobody looking over your shoulder-except us, of course. And maybe sooner rather than later-I saw the looks we got when we came in and let me tell you, those girls are for shi-shinola."
Jared thought about not ever having to deal with cold shoulders and whispered insults, of being able to come and go as he pleased, but... "I don't think so,"Jared said. "This is good. I like having people around." Sort of, he thought. The only people here who cared about him were Mrs. Mond and Mrs. Stern. Maybe...maybe looking for a place his alone was something that bore thinking about. Later.
Candy smirked, like she was reading his mind. She flipped back her ponytail in that way she had that said she'd won the last word. They shared a slice of cake between them, and while Jared was pouring coffee, said, "Oh hey, Lando wants to extend our hours for the holiday-are you able to take extra hours?"
"Holiday?"
"Yeah, sure, Freedom Day. You know." She narrowed her eyes at him, tiny snub nose wrinkling as she studied him.
"I...don't?" he replied, confusion making his statement more of a question. "What is a freedom day?"
"Not a freedom day, the Freedom Day! When we united with Europa, and formed the Western Pact?" Candy continued at Jared's wrinkled brow. "Then we joined with Pacificana, and Etheop, which finally ended the war?"
Jared just stared, and she went on incredulously, "The end of world-wide war between nations, when we created the Pledge of the Two Hundred Year Peace?"
She stared at him, eyebrows raised, then nodded and smiled when Jared finally reacted.
"Oh!" Right. He'd heard of the War Between Nations. He knew that war was a sinful pursuit, that many nations had gone against the will of the Lord and set themselves above his teaching. He knew that the war had brought illness, and plague...and birthed monsters and chimera, like himself. He knew that the nations had vowed two hundred years of peace, and that the vow itself was sinful because only the Lord could grant peace. Jared shrugged.
"We were taught things important to our lives. Outsider history and their conflicts had little to do with us. What I know about the war is that the Elders went to the president of the nation at that time, and explained that not taking part in armed conflict was the law given to us by the Lord, and after that, we never had to concern ourselves with this nation's wars again. In our-in the communities, it was charged there be prayers for the souls of those sinners at every meeting of the Families forever."
Candy sat across the table, elbows planted firmly and her chin propped on her hands. She nodded-when she spoke, it was nothing like what Jared expected. He'd been sure she was going to say something about how war was a necessary evil, or that the Families owed the country their help, something like that, but no. She just sighed softly and said, "It's hard being different, isn't?"
There was something in her voice, her eyes, that made Jared want to share with her, personal things that were none of her business and he had no idea why he was even bringing it up, but-
"My grandfather came to Mountain Grove from the Outside. It's rare, but it happens, if an outsider can show definitely that they whole-heartedly bend their neck to the Lord and come to Family then…" he wound down, staring at his feet. "I overheard m-my-mother and father talking about him," he whispered, shamed that he'd spied on his parents, however inadvertently; ashamed that he knew something about the family that no one else knew. A shameful bit of family history-until he came long, that is. "I think that's why I'm different than the rest of them."
Candy nodded, her expression softening even more. "I think I get it, sort of. My granddad came here from a small city off an island of Pacificana, not long after The Two Hundred Year pledge was formed. Things were difficult for him-we looked different, and sometimes people treated granddad badly because of it. Not that many years had passed since Pacificana was the enemy, and people held that against him, too. Eventually, times changed, they're still changing."
She twisted a section of her thick black hair so tightly around her finger that Jared reached out to stop her-she let it drop, and shrugged. "Anyway, that's the holiday...so! Let's see what we can do to introduce you to the fun parts of it!"
She quickly shook off the somber mood and reverted back to her sunny personality, and that helped Jared forget all about his grandfather, whom he'd never met, helped him ignore his thoughts of Family, and even the Thing in his gut. He decided enough with counting down his days of freedom-at least for today.
He smiled wide and said, "Alright, Candy, show me what we do to celebrate."
=+=
14
Pairings/Characters: Jared/Jensen
Author: roxymissrose
Rating: R
Word Count: 4076
Summary: Anno Domini 1951, fifty years after the failed Fertility experiments, the world still deals (somewhat successfully) with the mutations the experiments brought. With the advent of successful mechanical wombs, and a resurgence of female fertility, Carriers finally won full civil rights, and a new type slavery was abolished. Still, in many small towns and rural parts of America, in isolated communities, carriers were still viewed with suspicion, distaste, or horror.
This is the world Jared finds himself having to navigate.
Story at AO3
Jared made himself a mug of herbal tea and sat in the deep sill of his window
Jared sat cross-legged on his bed, the weak morning light falling on the innocuous-seeming piece of paper Mrs. Stern had given him before she left to make way for the morning shift. He held it so tightly, it crumbled in his fist. He knew it was probably ridiculous of him to be worried, but the note had so casually announced another change in his life, one that he wasn't so sure about. It seemed simple enough on the surface-the note informed him he was being assigned a different doctor. He knew that a choice of doctor was out of his hands, and really, the shelter was good enough to provide doctors free of charge so it was rather rude of him to question their choices. It was just...why now, he wondered? Why change his doctor now?
He'd gotten used to Dr. Adler, the spare, silver-haired, old woman who was-who'd been- his doctor, doctor to most of the girls here as well. Dr. Adler had seen him every other week-which had meant seeing him more often than she saw the girls, but she'd said since he was male, no one was taking what he was going through for granted, not on her watch, whatever that meant. Jared thought maybe it was a military term-a tattoo of a bow and arrow crossed by some sort of rifle on her wrist made it plain she'd been military. He was a little sorry for whoever had been on her team, or whatever a group of solders was called-she was a tough, no-fooling-around lady, that one.
So Dr. Adler was serious, humorless, and definitely not one for chit-chat-but despite being taciturn, she freely answered any direct questions. She gave him unambiguous rules to follow, even as she'd warned him that while the average doctor these days had a good working understanding of carriers in general, there were so many things that could go wrong with male carriers. Knowledge concerning their care was always a work in progress.
"Relatively speaking, there are few male carriers, Jared. To be honest with you, we're not sure if male carrier numbers are dropping, or if their numbers remain level. There are still sections of the population that are convinced male carriers are a crime against nature-"
She'd made a hooking motion with the index finger on both hands-from the way her lip quirked, he was pretty sure she didn't think too highly of that idea. It made his chest feel less tight.
"There hasn't been enough research, and that my friend, is a goddamn crime. I'll treat you to the best of my ability, have no doubt about that."
All in all, she'd been gruff but honest, and even caring in a reserved way. He'd really appreciated her, but now she was gone.
=+=
He'd had one of his restless nights, so this morning in place of his usual coffee, Jared made himself a mug of herbal tea and sat in the deep sill of his window, watching the sun rise as he sipped it. The little courtyard below was slowly starting to lose the bleak look brought on by winter thaw. As much as he hated winter thaw, he did look forward to seeing the little square come back to life-he could see the bones of it, the ice drawing back from the flower beds. He couldn't wait 'til it was in bloom.
All too soon, it was time to start the day. Jared set his empty cup down with a sigh-and winced. He'd sounded just like Silvia Padalecki for a moment, tired and…he shook his head violently. These were memories he did not want to visit, especially not today. He had enough to worry abut, what with having to deal with another stranger poking and prodding at him.
With his appointment on his mind, Jared took a thorough shower, making sure every bit of him was clean. He was not about to be judged on sketchy hygiene….
=+=
Nerves twisted his stomach into knots, so he skipped breakfast, but stopped in the kitchen to let the staff know he had an unexpected doctor's appointment this morning and he wouldn't be in. He was surprised, and glad that the staff was fine with it-seemed Mrs. Stern had alerted the staff the previous evening. With nothing stopping him, Jared headed to the shelter's small private clinic in an older building-older than St. Margret's-that had once been free-standing, but had been attached to the main hall many years ago.
What that meant was that the clinic was cold and drafty, with small rooms, windows high on the wall-too high for a view, just wide enough to let air circulate. The thought drifted through his mind that the windows were also too small to climb out of, a ridiculous thought he quickly squelched.
Thank goodness there was a small heater grate on the wall doing its best to pump out warm air, or he would have frozen to death in this little, pea-soup green box made of tiled walls and carpeting that looked like it had been crafted entirely out of dust, flattened and glued to the floor. He had a few seconds to laugh at himself before a knock came at the door; it flew open as the new doctor let himself in, a man Jared had never seen before.
"Good morning, Jared."
Jared greeted him back and then just couldn't stop himself from asking, "Where is Dr. Adler and her nurse?"
The new doctor looked annoyed, but the expression flitted across his face so quickly, Jared wasn't sure if he was just projecting his own feelings on the man. "Oh, she's still here." At Jared's look, the doctor went on with a sigh. "Dr. Adler and Nurse Spatz have been transferred to the older mothers ward. I'm taking on your case. We look forward to working with you. Now...I'll call the nurse in and we can get started with a thorough exam."
Jared quietly removed his clothes and took the paper gown the nurse handed him. With a deep breath and a brief prayer begging for strength, he lay back on the table.
"Feet in stirrups, please," the doctor muttered and Jared did as he asked. The doctor didn't explain what he was doing-Jared knew what to expect from all his other exams of course, but apparently this doctor didn't waste time with what was a courtesy that Dr. Adler never minded extending.
The doctor barked out notes to the nurse, who quickly tapped everything into the electronic book. "He seems slightly bigger than I'd expect at this point of the pregnancy, but he's also rather thinner than normal, so...there are some pigmentation changes here and here, all in normal range..." He pressed down on Jared's belly, ignoring the sharp intake of air; Thing retaliated by kicking Jared squarely in the bladder.
"No development in breast tissue, also not unusual, failure of the experiment perhaps? Have you experienced any leakage?"
It took a few moments for it to register that the doctor was now talking to him. "No!" Jared barked. Maybe it was stupid of him but it had never occurred to him that such a thing was a possibility. He felt queasy. Holerah! What kind of gobnaw was that? What a horror! He resented this thing enough, was he now going to have to suffer through-through bosoms as well?
The doctor's voice cut through his panicked thoughts, but not in any way meant to be soothing. "It's not unusual for no change to take place at all. There's no real, definitive male carrier-there are so many varying ways in which they present. There really is no 'norm', you know."
Jared nodded silently. The man sounded cheerful, as if he'd opened a box full of interesting puzzles. Jared was sure the doctor was just thinking out loud, and Jared might as well be a potted plant for all the doctor cared.
The doctor turned away to take a tube-like thing from the metal table at Jared's bedside, bending his knees so that his legs were wider, he guided the tube between his legs. Jared caught a slightly surprised look on the nurse's face, quickly quelled when she caught Jared's eyes.
The thing piercing him hurt-Jared heard a ratcheting sound, could feel the tube opened wider, and he cried out-it was always uncomfortable to have something in him that way, but this felt like he was being ripped open.
"Jared, contain yourself-a mature person should demonstrate better self-control than that."
Jared lay still as possible, biting his lip savagely, hating that tears formed in the corners of his eyes and ran down his cheeks just because he was laying on his back, that's all, and...and. Jared sniffed quietly, heard the doctor make an irritated noise. It felt as though the doctor pressed harder on his belly.
He tilted his head back to make the tears stop falling, trying to avoid the eyes of the doctor and nurse as he did so. That position let him see, just on the edge of his eyesight, an enlarged, open version of the electronic books he'd seen in bookstores and offices, tethered to a machine dripping wires.
Finally the doctor let up. Jared could breathe again, sipping shallow breaths of air. He scrubbed the back of his hand across his face, trying to wipe tears away. The nurse dropped a piece of paper toweling on his chest when the doctor turned away to make some notes. Shamefaced, sure that he'd reacted like a spoiled brat, Jared quietly cleaned up and waited for what was next.
Next was the doctor dropping a dollop of ice-cold gel on his stomach. The chill startled Jared, likewise the doctor suddenly pressing an ice-cold object, connected to a thick wire, onto his belly. He began moving it over the swell, back and forth, up and down. The pressure distracted Jared at first, but then he heard a small, whooshing sound, and saw movement on the electronic book's screen. He had no idea what it was, a grainy smudge on a black background.
"Subject is at six months, I see the fetus is small, but no cause for alarm, seems to be common in regards to male pregnancy."
Fetus...that smudge was Thing. The thing that changed his life. He stared at it, waiting to feel something-hatred, interest, some sense of it belonging to him, anything-but all he felt was an exhausted kind of blankness. That was it. A distant sort of queasy feeling crept around the outside of the blankness, but died away. He realized the sound he heard was a heartbeat. Of course there'd be one. As far as he could tell, it was steady.
The doctor never addressed any remark to Jared, never explained what he was doing. Jared took what he could from the information the doctor recited for the nurse. Thing seemed healthy. Jared stared at the smudge until his eyes felt dry, and then closed them, waiting for it all to be over.
The exam went on, cold, clinical, and sometimes painful, thoroughly invasive. He was prodded to sitting while the nurse took blood, and then took his blood pressure. It was almost admirable, the way she managed to do that without actually making eye contact.
With a grunt indicating Jared should get dressed, doctor and nurse left the room. A further ten minutes passed before the doctor returned. He sat at the small desk in the corner of the exam room and poked at the compact electronic book he held. Finally he looked at Jared and asked, "Have you considered what comes after you give birth?"
Jared licked dry lips, his mouth working as he tried to compose an answer, finally stuttered out, "I'm not sure. I've thought about it and. Well, I'm inclined towards giving it up for adoption. If that's possible. If anyone would want it." If doing so wasn't dodging punishment.
The doctor smiled. "Well, that is very mature-and just the level of common sense I expected from you. Acknowledging you're in no position to take care of a child shows intelligence. I'll bring more information the next time we meet which should be in a month, if all goes well.
Jared was surprised-Dr. Adler had been firm in stating she wanted to see him every two weeks but this doc just tutted. "You're fine. Healthy, well developed. No reason to take up valuable time for unnecessary exams."
He sent Jared off feeling as if he'd barely passed some sort of test. While Dr. Adler hadn't been warm and cozy, she'd never made him feel like a brainless specimen either. Jared shuddered. This was going to be a trial.
He went home and quickly showered, desperate to get rid of the horrible, squishy feeling between his legs, and the touch of strangers from his skin, then took the trolley to work. He hated to admit that what had been a lovely brisk stroll to work had begun to be an exhausting tramp through a purgatory of gray, wet streets. Winter thaw, the promise of spring, he thought. He hated spring.
=+=
Other changes were taking place in Jared's life as well, changes that were very much more pleasant than what was going on with his body.
Jared had friends now. And friends, he knew, visited each other. They took lunch together, they talked about their hopes and dreams, and, okay, Jared had none beyond surviving these next few months, but still-if he'd had the freedom to dream, and if he chose to, he had friends he could share his hopes with. And he wanted to have a friend to visit, like some of the girls here did.
It took a bit of convincing on his part before Mrs. Mond finally agreed to allow Jared to have a visitor-a female visitor-to his room. She'd finally agreed that she was holding onto outmoded ideas of what was proper, that she certainly didn't have to worry about canoodling since female guests were hardly canoodling material for Jared. Jared thought that was a fact obvious to all, but it still took more convincing than he thought it should.
Eventually, Mrs. Mond caved, and Jared was able to invite his coworker to lunch in his very own room.
On a lovely, sunny afternoon, Candy walked with Jared to the shelter. Jared carried a bag full of rolls and cookies, cheese and luncheon meat, which was thin slices of roast beef, or of chicken, or ham. They called it a fancy name, but the sandwiches they made were the same kind they made in his former community. He would have bought all that himself, was certainly prepared to. However Lando, who was an enormous busybody, had forced it all on him, claiming that he'd just have to throw it away if Jared wouldn't take it. He did let Jared buy two slices of cake, which Jared took as a victory for his dignity.
Sunny as the day was, it was still early spring, which meant it was also rather chilly; they were both red-nosed and tingling with the cold by the time they walked up the stone steps. Jared stood ready to lead Candy in through St, Margaret's big, slightly intimidating doors, but she stopped a moment to read the inscription carved above the doors. "'Shelter the little poor ones.' Hunh. You know, I've lived close by all my life, but never ever stopped to actually look at this building? I always felt like I'd be intruding."
"Well, now you're here as my guest."
"That's true," she smiled. They walked in and of course, they had to cross the dining hall, mercifully almost empty on a Saturday mid-morning. There was a low hiss, as if someone had dropped a bag of snakes in the hall, or as if a few dozen busy-body girls were gossiping about him before he'd even made his way to the steps leading to the attic.
Candy followed Jared up the narrow staircase, through the narrow little door that Jared had to tilt his head down in order not to brain himself walking in. They stepped out into his room at a perfect moment. The sun sent long bars of soft lemon-tinted light over his striped rug, turning the colors to jewel tones. His bed was neat, his new blanket tucked tight around it, and the extra pillows-an extravagance the Family would have thought was a decadent, sinful waste, which of course made them even more lovely-set carefully on top. He'd cleaned and shined everything, and set a vase of flowers on his dresser top. He'd made some room at the little table (that did double duty as his desk) to set a couple of dishes and glasses out for them to enjoy a nice lunch. He turned back to her, proud of what he'd made out of his little corner of the world, only to catch the look of shock on Candy's face.
"Oh my gosh, you live in an attic. You're pregnant and single and you live in an attic!"
Jared's heart broke; his face burned with embarrassment. What a fool he was, showing off this poor room. He looked around again, and saw that his dresser was chipped and gouged, the curtains in his window were obviously some old sheets cut to fit, his worn blanket was only new to him and...and….
Candy grabbed him into a chest-crushing hug.
"Oh my god, I love you so much. You are so brave." She let him go and looked around. "And you've made this attic into a beautiful little home, Jay."
He looked at the bed's gray and yellow blanket that was second-hand, okay, but it was so soft and clean. Looked at the bright yellow vase on the dresser, holding a few stalks of flowers from the courtyard garden. They filled the room with the scent of hyacinth. There was a picture of mountains, carefully cut from a magazine and tacked to the wall, next to another of a stream threading through a green meadow. Jared knew that in this room, he felt warm and safe and his friend thought it was nice, too. Jared laughed along with her when she grabbed him by the arms, and danced around the room with him.
Gasping and giggling, she finally let him go, and they sat together at the little table. While they ate, Jared shared where he'd found his treasures, and how much he enjoyed decorating a space all his own, something he'd never known before. Candy was a good listener, knowing when to speak up, knowing when all Jared needed was a nod, or a soft, sympathetic hand over his.
"Jay, this is so comfy, and St. Maggie's is so great, but you need a place that's really all your own, nobody looking over your shoulder-except us, of course. And maybe sooner rather than later-I saw the looks we got when we came in and let me tell you, those girls are for shi-shinola."
Jared thought about not ever having to deal with cold shoulders and whispered insults, of being able to come and go as he pleased, but... "I don't think so,"Jared said. "This is good. I like having people around." Sort of, he thought. The only people here who cared about him were Mrs. Mond and Mrs. Stern. Maybe...maybe looking for a place his alone was something that bore thinking about. Later.
Candy smirked, like she was reading his mind. She flipped back her ponytail in that way she had that said she'd won the last word. They shared a slice of cake between them, and while Jared was pouring coffee, said, "Oh hey, Lando wants to extend our hours for the holiday-are you able to take extra hours?"
"Holiday?"
"Yeah, sure, Freedom Day. You know." She narrowed her eyes at him, tiny snub nose wrinkling as she studied him.
"I...don't?" he replied, confusion making his statement more of a question. "What is a freedom day?"
"Not a freedom day, the Freedom Day! When we united with Europa, and formed the Western Pact?" Candy continued at Jared's wrinkled brow. "Then we joined with Pacificana, and Etheop, which finally ended the war?"
Jared just stared, and she went on incredulously, "The end of world-wide war between nations, when we created the Pledge of the Two Hundred Year Peace?"
She stared at him, eyebrows raised, then nodded and smiled when Jared finally reacted.
"Oh!" Right. He'd heard of the War Between Nations. He knew that war was a sinful pursuit, that many nations had gone against the will of the Lord and set themselves above his teaching. He knew that the war had brought illness, and plague...and birthed monsters and chimera, like himself. He knew that the nations had vowed two hundred years of peace, and that the vow itself was sinful because only the Lord could grant peace. Jared shrugged.
"We were taught things important to our lives. Outsider history and their conflicts had little to do with us. What I know about the war is that the Elders went to the president of the nation at that time, and explained that not taking part in armed conflict was the law given to us by the Lord, and after that, we never had to concern ourselves with this nation's wars again. In our-in the communities, it was charged there be prayers for the souls of those sinners at every meeting of the Families forever."
Candy sat across the table, elbows planted firmly and her chin propped on her hands. She nodded-when she spoke, it was nothing like what Jared expected. He'd been sure she was going to say something about how war was a necessary evil, or that the Families owed the country their help, something like that, but no. She just sighed softly and said, "It's hard being different, isn't?"
There was something in her voice, her eyes, that made Jared want to share with her, personal things that were none of her business and he had no idea why he was even bringing it up, but-
"My grandfather came to Mountain Grove from the Outside. It's rare, but it happens, if an outsider can show definitely that they whole-heartedly bend their neck to the Lord and come to Family then…" he wound down, staring at his feet. "I overheard m-my-mother and father talking about him," he whispered, shamed that he'd spied on his parents, however inadvertently; ashamed that he knew something about the family that no one else knew. A shameful bit of family history-until he came long, that is. "I think that's why I'm different than the rest of them."
Candy nodded, her expression softening even more. "I think I get it, sort of. My granddad came here from a small city off an island of Pacificana, not long after The Two Hundred Year pledge was formed. Things were difficult for him-we looked different, and sometimes people treated granddad badly because of it. Not that many years had passed since Pacificana was the enemy, and people held that against him, too. Eventually, times changed, they're still changing."
She twisted a section of her thick black hair so tightly around her finger that Jared reached out to stop her-she let it drop, and shrugged. "Anyway, that's the holiday...so! Let's see what we can do to introduce you to the fun parts of it!"
She quickly shook off the somber mood and reverted back to her sunny personality, and that helped Jared forget all about his grandfather, whom he'd never met, helped him ignore his thoughts of Family, and even the Thing in his gut. He decided enough with counting down his days of freedom-at least for today.
He smiled wide and said, "Alright, Candy, show me what we do to celebrate."
=+=
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