I think I'm having a mid-life crisis...
Some my think it odd since I'm only 38 but, considering the odds of me living past 50 is pretty slim, I'm post-due for this crisis, I guess. I took swim classes. I've always could swim, growing up on an island, you have to know how to swim but I've never been a strong swimmer. I'm more of a body surfer but I took classes to change this. First of all, it's so much harder in a pool. I'm used to the salt holding me up but the pool water just sinks even my fat ass. It's so much more work but I can feel the growth in my shoulders and back and my pants have actually grown loser so I decided to stick with it after the swim classes end. There's free swim in the mornings from 5am to 8am, which works great because I work third shift (That's hospital talk for 3p to midnight) and it's great to wake up early, swim some laps, then come back and work on some chores and homework before going to work. For some odd reason, the pool is much busier on weekday mornings than weekend mornings. And, the locker room is totally different on weekday mornings too. On weekends, it's all quick change artists. On weekdays, they hang around naked talking about stuff. It's not a gay thing but a very old-school masculine thing. Like today, the talk was about how The Dodgers are being put up on a auction block. I love baseball. Some of my best papers are about connecting society and baseball and my professors say I have a really good knack at that. They even bring up the p-word, getting published. I would love that! That would make for a killer grad school application and would help me land a good school job while getting my grad school degree. The would be a fucking dream come true. But the point of my whole babble is that I miss this kind of masculinity. Since coming out of the closet and being in a long term relationship, most of my friends have shifted from straight guys to gay guys. Like I still have a couple of straight friends but most of my friends are now gay and I miss talking about baseball. I know. I know. There are other gay guys out there who love baseball but I can't find them in my state. Instead of going to baseball games, I go to IKEA now. Instead of talking about baseball, I talk about Project: Runway. Instead of going to bar to drink tap beer, I drink martinis. I know this is my fault. I allowed my self to change because I wanted people to see my true self but somehow, along the way, my true self got changed to something else and I'm not sure I like it too much. Maybe, I'm just getting old. I remember when I would fight to the death but now I just compromise. My greatest fear is to die in a hospital bed but I feel this reality coming closer and closer every day. I have to change things before it gets too late.
I wrote his in one solid block to invoke Saint Kerouac.
I wrote his in one solid block to invoke Saint Kerouac.